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How much attention are you paying to formalities?

I see a LOT on these boards about etiquette rules and customs that me, my fiance, and all of our friends involved in planning had never heard of before . Specifically I see tons of posts about how awful it is to host your own engagement party- technically our best man and maid of honor are throwing this, but we all really enjoy planning together. I also love planning it with them because I want the wedding party planning to be a bonding time, even if it seems like we are "planning something in our honor." Is it rude to discard a lot of the etiquette rules and formalities if the majority of the guests involved in them don't know about them? We are the first wedding in our friend group, and I don't know how any of this works. How formal are you all being? 

Re: How much attention are you paying to formalities?

  • justsiejustsie
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited December 2015
    My FI and I are both first to get married in our group, and I am paying lots of attention to etiquette. I've learned a whole lot lurking and participating in these boards from these ladies/men who participate on here. Most importantly I've learned that the comfort of the guests are top priority to me. I have been the one that is hurt because my SO wasn't invited to the wedding, been put off because I was bringing in the sun waiting on a ceremony and I would never want to put my guests through the same thing. The important parts about my wedding are that I get married and the people that I ask to be there get to come and enjoy themselves in the best way I can facilitate. I couldn't care less if I get gifts.

    ETA: Grammar faux pas
    image
    InLoveInQueensSP29
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I see a LOT on these boards about etiquette rules and customs that me, my fiance, and all of our friends involved in planning had never heard of before . Specifically I see tons of posts about how awful it is to host your own engagement party- technically our best man and maid of honor are throwing this, but we all really enjoy planning together. I also love planning it with them because I want the wedding party planning to be a bonding time, even if it seems like we are "planning something in our honor." Is it rude to discard a lot of the etiquette rules and formalities if the majority of the guests involved in them don't know about them? We are the first wedding in our friend group, and I don't know how any of this works. How formal are you all being? 
    I would think that there is no need for a lot of bonding time with your MOH and BM.  They are already close friends.  Ask them how many people they are comfortable hosting, provide them with the list, and then walk away. 

    You do not know how much money they want to contribute to this party.  Some of your ideas/suggestions may be more than they can or want to afford, and has the potential to put them in an awkward position.  This does actually involve your guests as well.  As a guest, I make sure to thank the hosts of a party.  I may also bring a gift for the host(s).  If I realize during or after the fact that I have thanked the wrong person, I am embarrassed and uncomfortable for me.  If I find out a couple hosted a party on their own behalf, I am embarrassed and uncomfortable for them.

    Although it is not your job to set an example, the trend of poor hosting often continues because people will assume a "that's how they did it, therefore it must be OK" mindset.

    Your question asks whether it is rude.  The simple answer is "yes".  A good host never discards etiquette; they embrace it.
    InLoveInQueensSP29[Deleted User]adk19
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya
    Moderator 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary
    mod

    The etiquette we talk about here isn't about formalities - it's not about making sure your bread plate is on the left or that you don't wear white after Labor Day. It's about treating people well and being a good, gracious host. Many people side-eye and are uncomfortable with a party hosted by the guest(s) of honor. Therefore we tell people not to do that. Same as things like cash bars and having the man who caught the garter put it on the woman who caught the bouquet - it's uncomfortable for and rude to guests.

    image
    Heffalumpadk19
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    MobKaz said:
    I see a LOT on these boards about etiquette rules and customs that me, my fiance, and all of our friends involved in planning had never heard of before . Specifically I see tons of posts about how awful it is to host your own engagement party- technically our best man and maid of honor are throwing this, but we all really enjoy planning together. I also love planning it with them because I want the wedding party planning to be a bonding time, even if it seems like we are "planning something in our honor." Is it rude to discard a lot of the etiquette rules and formalities if the majority of the guests involved in them don't know about them? We are the first wedding in our friend group, and I don't know how any of this works. How formal are you all being? 
    I would think that there is no need for a lot of bonding time with your MOH and BM.  They are already close friends.  Ask them how many people they are comfortable hosting, provide them with the list, and then walk away. 

    You do not know how much money they want to contribute to this party.  Some of your ideas/suggestions may be more than they can or want to afford, and has the potential to put them in an awkward position.  This does actually involve your guests as well.  As a guest, I make sure to thank the hosts of a party.  I may also bring a gift for the host(s).  If I realize during or after the fact that I have thanked the wrong person, I am embarrassed and uncomfortable for me.  If I find out a couple hosted a party on their own behalf, I am embarrassed and uncomfortable for them.

    Although it is not your job to set an example, the trend of poor hosting often continues because people will assume a "that's how they did it, therefore it must be OK" mindset.

    Your question asks whether it is rude.  The simple answer is "yes".  A good host never discards etiquette; they embrace it.
    Quote For Truth. 

    In regards to your engagement party co-planning arrangement. The milestone event is you and your significant other getting married. How many times must you celebrate the fact that you're getting married? If an excited family member or dear friend wants to throw a couple an engagement party, then that's very nice of them. If an excited family member or dear friend wants to host a shower to make it easier on folks to give boxed gifts (rather than cash), then great. But when a bride/groom throw themselves all these parties, it's like, holy shit I'm celebrating you at your wedding, how many times must I celebrate you (especially on gift-giving occasions?). 
    You get married at a ceremony and host your reception to thank your guests for taking part. That's it. Everything else is just a nice to have from the people that love you. 
    ________________________________


    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]100yroldblinddogadk19
  • OP, better to learn by reading the boards than by being on the receiving end of someone's poor planning (i.e. "I never thought about how awkward a tiered reception was until we arrived for dancing and drinks and realized half the guests had been there for hours and were finishing their dinners") or worse yet, making those mistakes yourself and inadvertently offending your guests.
    adk19
  • You can throw a party anytime you like.  Just don't call it an "engagement party" or expect gifts.  This is what my daughter did, since she was too far away for us to give her an engagement party.
    Engagement parties are not necessary.  Many people don't have them.  Ditto for showers and bachelorette parties.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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