Mom Wants to Host Bridal Shower

tigerlily6

Hello all,

Any advice about how to handle a bridal shower in this situation would be very helpful.

My fiance and I met in graduate school, and live in and will be married in a college town in Indiana this summer. Besides the two of us, though, nearly all the rest of our guests will need to travel. My parents live in Ohio, about 4 hours east of us. My fiance's parent's live about 8 hours west of us in Missouri. All but one of my bridesmaids live even farther away (MOH is in San Francisco, others in DC, Rhode Island, Florida -- only one is in Ohio, about 3 hours away).  Several of my BMs and I are still graduate students, living off loans or on very limited budgets. I am very honored just to have them coming to the wedding, and would not expect them to plan a bridal shower. I plan on having the bachelorette party two days before the wedding so they can all travel just once (and it just so happens to be my birthday, so it seems a good excuse to have a girls' night). 

Since my fiance and I are having the wedding in Indiana, we are having a small wedding, with only family and close friends attending. We are not expecting a lot of other "hometown" friends to make the trip. However, my mother would really like to host a small bridal shower for me in my old hometown Ohio with some of our friends who likely won't be able to attend the wedding. Is this okay? I feel rather weird about it since I think at best I might only be able to have one bridesmaid join me, and probably none of the women from the groom's family can make it, either. I know usually it is faux pas for mothers to host bridal parties, but I don't think this is so much about giving gifts (between my fiance and I who both have lived on our own, we have all the appliances we need). Mostly I think my mom just wants to throw a little party to have snacks and celebrate with some of the family friends. I'm happy to attend and touched that hometown friends have been so supportive, but I also don't want my bridesmaids or the groom's family to feel left-out. 

I know I cannot be the only bride-to-be in a situation like this. How have others handled the bridal shower issue with long-distance bridesmaids and separated hometowns between the groom and bride?

ShesSoCold

Knottie1434597336 said:

Hello all,

Any advice about how to handle a bridal shower in this situation would be very helpful.

My fiance and I met in graduate school, and live in and will be married in a college town in Indiana this summer. That should seem like no big deal, but I have come to realize that in some ways it is a destination wedding -- because besides the two of us, nearly all the rest of our guests will need to travel. My parents live in Ohio, about 4 hours east of us. My fiance's parent's live about 8 hours west of us in Missouri. All but one of my bridesmaids live even farther away (MOH is in San Francisco, others in DC, Rhode Island, Florida -- only one is in Ohio, about 3 hours away).  Several of my BMs and I are still graduate students, living off loans or on very limited budgets. I am very honored just to have them coming to the wedding, and would not expect them to plan a bridal shower. I plan on having the bachelorette party two days before the wedding so they can all travel just once (and it just so happens to be my birthday, so it seems a good excuse to have a girls' night). 

Since my fiance and I are having the wedding in Indiana, we are having a small wedding, with only family and close friends attending. We are not expecting a lot of other "hometown" friends to make the trip. However, my mother would really like to host a small bridal shower for me in my old hometown Ohio with some of our friends who likely won't be able to attend the wedding. Is this okay? I feel rather weird about it since I think at best I might only be able to have one bridesmaid join me, and probably none of the women from the groom's family can make it, either. I know usually it is faux pas for mothers to host bridal parties, but I don't think this is so much about giving gifts (between my fiance and I who both have lived on our own, we have all the appliances we need). Mostly I think my mom just wants to throw a little party to have snacks and celebrate with some of the family friends. I'm happy to attend and touched that hometown friends have been so supportive, but I also don't want my bridesmaids or the groom's family to feel left-out. 

I know I cannot be the only bride-to-be in a situation like this. How have others handled the bridal shower issue with long-distance bridesmaids and separated hometowns between the groom and bride?

You're right that it is considered incorrect for a mother to host a shower for her daughter. She can host a bridal tea or luncheon or general get together. But regardless of whether or not they will attend, every person invited to this party MUST be invited to the wedding itself.

tigerlily6

Everybody she wants to invite to the party has been invited to the wedding. But I know several of them have already stated that they will not be able to make it to the wedding due to the distance, but would still like to celebrate with me in some way. Would it be better for my mother to see if one of them can host, even if they can't make it to the actual wedding?

holyguacamole79

Knottie1434597336 said:

Everybody she wants to invite to the party has been invited to the wedding. But I know several of them have already stated that they will not be able to make it to the wedding due to the distance, but would still like to celebrate with me in some way. Would it be better for my mother to see if one of them can host, even if they can't make it to the actual wedding?

Technically it's not appropriate for your mom to ask someone to host a party for you.  I've gone to several pre-wedding events where I knew I couldn't attend the wedding.  

Your mom can host a tea or some other casual social gathering where people can mingle and celebrate you.  If someone knows they won't be able to attend the wedding, they might bring a gift or something, but it should not specifically be a gift-giving event (which a shower is).

[Deleted User]

It's not a destination wedding.  You guys live there.  It's a travel-necessary location for most of your guests, but it's not a destination wedding.

You cannot throw yourself a bachelorette party.  So, unless someone else offers to host a party for you two days before your wedding, you are not having a bachelorette party.  Feel free to have a Girls Night Out on your birthday, but it is not a party related to your wedding, but just an event for the girls before you get married.  It's a fine line, but you can't throw a party in your own honor.

I personally don't care if mothers throw Showers for their daughters.  Let her throw you a shower.  However, showers are gift-giving events, so you don't suggest that people NOT bring gifts because that's what this is.  If you just want to have a get-together with people from your home town, that's fine.  Call it a Bridal Tea or something and gifts are not central to the event.  And this is very important, everyone who is invited to a pre-wedding party must be invited to the actual Wedding.  They don't have to Attend the wedding, but they have to be invited and you have to willing to host them if they can make the trip and attend.

Ask your mom how many people she is willing to host.  Look over your wedding guest list and pick the people from that list that live closest or are closest to you and your mother.  If someone from your fiance's family wants to host a shower for you in Missouri, you can entertain that idea and invite people more likely to attend that party.  You don't need to have your bridesmaids attend a shower for you, but you can let them know it's happening.  I like being left in the loop for my close friends.  

tigerlily6

Thanks! I think I will counsel my mom to just call it a "tea party" or something like that, then, since that really is the gist of the idea, anyway. She and my dad had a extremely small (about 15 people) informal wedding in the 70s, so both she and I are learning about wedding-planning and etiquette together at the same time. When I initially told her I wanted to invite 150 people, she felt completely overwhelmed! But I think in reality only about 75 people will be attending. Which is fine by me. Figuring out the planning across multiples states has been a challenge, though. 

tigerlily6

MOH is planning the bachelorette party, not me. She talked dates with me, though, and we decided right before the wedding would be best since we'll all be in town together anyway. 

[Deleted User]

Knottie1434597336 said:

Thanks! I think I will counsel my mom to just call it a "tea party" or something like that, then, since that really is the gist of the idea, anyway. She and my dad had a extremely small (about 15 people) informal wedding in the 70s, so both she and I are learning about wedding-planning and etiquette together at the same time. When I initially told her I wanted to invite 150 people, she felt completely overwhelmed! But I think in reality only about 75 people will be attending. Which is fine by me. Figuring out the planning across multiples states has been a challenge, though. 

But you have to be able to host everyone you invite.  If you invite 150 people, you damn well better have a venue that fits 150 asses.  Otherwise you're going to be here crying three weeks before your wedding when all your RSVPs start coming in and people you were sure wouldn't attend have decided to make the trip and attend!!!  You're going to feel awful praying for declines!  That's gotta be a terrible feeling to hope that your good friends and loving family decline to attend your wedding.

So, make up a guest list.  Determine your budget (do not count on promised money until the cash is in your bank account.)  Then find a venue that fits both your budget and your guest list.  Then plan the rest.  Move the wedding to lunch rather than dinner if you want to spend less and invite more people.  Or brunch.  Or just cake and punch.

[Deleted User]

Knottie1434597336 said:

MOH is planning the bachelorette party, not me. She talked dates with me, though, and we decided right before the wedding would be best since we'll all be in town together anyway. 

Perfect.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1434597336 said:

Thanks! I think I will counsel my mom to just call it a "tea party" or something like that, then, since that really is the gist of the idea, anyway. She and my dad had a extremely small (about 15 people) informal wedding in the 70s, so both she and I are learning about wedding-planning and etiquette together at the same time. When I initially told her I wanted to invite 150 people, she felt completely overwhelmed! But I think in reality only about 75 people will be attending. Which is fine by me. Figuring out the planning across multiples states has been a challenge, though. 

That sounds good!  Are there hotel(s) near your venue?  Summer in a college town shouldn't be too busy, but you expect a fair number of out-of-town guests, you may want to see about reserving rooms in a block sooner rather than later.

tigerlily6

But you have to be able to host everyone you invite.  If you invite 150 people, you damn well better have a venue that fits 150 asses.  Otherwise you're going to be here crying three weeks before your wedding when all your RSVPs start coming in and people you were sure wouldn't attend have decided to make the trip and attend!!!  You're going to feel awful praying for declines!  That's gotta be a terrible feeling to hope that your good friends and loving family decline to attend your wedding.

Fear not, I have the guest list made and have also made sure we have the space and funds in case everybody does actually attend (venue holds 200 people). I would personally love to have everybody make it, but I am also understanding if the travel deters some friends and relatives. 

[Deleted User]

Knottie1434597336 said:

But you have to be able to host everyone you invite.  If you invite 150 people, you damn well better have a venue that fits 150 asses.  Otherwise you're going to be here crying three weeks before your wedding when all your RSVPs start coming in and people you were sure wouldn't attend have decided to make the trip and attend!!!  You're going to feel awful praying for declines!  That's gotta be a terrible feeling to hope that your good friends and loving family decline to attend your wedding.

Fear not, I have the guest list made and have also made sure we have the space and funds in case everybody does actually attend (venue holds 200 people). I would personally love to have everybody make it, but I am also understanding if the travel deters some friends and relatives. 

You sound very reasonable.  You should change your username to something a bit more unique so we can recognize you.  Feel free to keep asking questions.  We're here to help.

tigerlily6

Thank you! I appreciate all the support! I am so glad I found this message board!

kmmssg

You should stick around!  You seem to have good priorities regarding  your guests and your planning so far.