MOH/Bridesmaid Issue...

Knottie1449694350

One of my closest friends recently asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was a little worried I would be upset she didn't ask me to be MOH (we met in our 20s, and she asked one of her childhood friends) but I truly am just happy to be part of her day and do whatever she needs. 

When she asked me, she talked about how this was no reflection on who she cared about more, and between us, she believed her friend would've been upset if she had not been asked to be MOH. She explained since her MOH lives in Georgia, she'd like me to help with some of the more traditional MOH tasks...in terms of preparation and it was implied financially if needed. She also said her MOH (who I don't know as well) would probably get a little upset and might feel like her toes are being stepped on, but she just wanted things to go smoothly and maybe I should reach out to her to start on a good note. 

I want her to have the best day possible, but I also feel a little awkward  about the whole thing. She's getting married in Illinois in November 2016, and would like to do a traditional shower and bachelorette trip to Austin, so there will be lots of planning involved on our end. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! 

Maggie0829

Knottie1449694350 said:

One of my closest friends recently asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was a little worried I would be upset she didn't ask me to be MOH (we met in our 20s, and she asked one of her childhood friends) but I truly am just happy to be part of her day and do whatever she needs. 

When she asked me, she talked about how this was no reflection on who she cared about more, and between us, she believed her friend would've been upset if she had not been asked to be MOH. She explained since her MOH lives in Georgia, she'd like me to help with some of the more traditional MOH tasks...in terms of preparation and it was implied financially if needed. She also said her MOH (who I don't know as well) would probably get a little upset and might feel like her toes are being stepped on, but she just wanted things to go smoothly and maybe I should reach out to her to start on a good note. 

I want her to have the best day possible, but I also feel a little awkward  about the whole thing. She's getting married in Illinois in November 2016, and would like to do a traditional shower and bachelorette trip to Austin, so there will be lots of planning involved on our end. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! 

The only traditional MOH task is exactly the same as the BM task, and that is to show up, in the chosen attire (within your budget), on time for the wedding.  Anything else is completely up to you to help with.

Also, she may want to have a shower and bach party, but that is not up to her.  It is up to whoever (whomever) wishes to throw her a party.  Also, it needs to be within the means of the people invited, so don't go all out if you or others can't afford it.

So how much help are you willing to provide?  What do you want to help with, if anything?  If you want to help throw her a party, then I would contact the MOH and speak with her directly.

I think your friend needs to lower her expectations a bit.  If she needs help with wedding planning then she first needs to turn to her FI rather then asking you for help.  Also, don't feel pressured to help with things you don't want to help with.  So if tying bows on favors is not your cup of tea just say no.

KatWAG

Knottie1449694350 said:

One of my closest friends recently asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was a little worried I would be upset she didn't ask me to be MOH (we met in our 20s, and she asked one of her childhood friends) but I truly am just happy to be part of her day and do whatever she needs. 

When she asked me, she talked about how this was no reflection on who she cared about more, and between us, she believed her friend would've been upset if she had not been asked to be MOH. She explained since her MOH lives in Georgia, she'd like me to help with some of the more traditional MOH tasks...in terms of preparation and it was implied financially if needed. She also said her MOH (who I don't know as well) would probably get a little upset and might feel like her toes are being stepped on, but she just wanted things to go smoothly and maybe I should reach out to her to start on a good note. 

I want her to have the best day possible, but I also feel a little awkward  about the whole thing. She's getting married in Illinois in November 2016, and would like to do a traditional shower and bachelorette trip to Austin, so there will be lots of planning involved on our end. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! 

You and the MOH have no responsibilities to the bride other than showing up, on time, in the selected dress. Anything else is extra.

But I would nip this in the bud now. I would tell her what you are comfortable with doing/ spending.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1449694350 said:

One of my closest friends recently asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was a little worried I would be upset she didn't ask me to be MOH (we met in our 20s, and she asked one of her childhood friends) but I truly am just happy to be part of her day and do whatever she needs. 

When she asked me, she talked about how this was no reflection on who she cared about more, and between us, she believed her friend would've been upset if she had not been asked to be MOH. She explained since her MOH lives in Georgia, she'd like me to help with some of the more traditional MOH tasks...in terms of preparation and it was implied financially if needed. She also said her MOH (who I don't know as well) would probably get a little upset and might feel like her toes are being stepped on, but she just wanted things to go smoothly and maybe I should reach out to her to start on a good note. 

I want her to have the best day possible, but I also feel a little awkward  about the whole thing. She's getting married in Illinois in November 2016, and would like to do a traditional shower and bachelorette trip to Austin, so there will be lots of planning involved on our end. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! 

If this bride had not approached you about these "responsibilities", would you have offered to do them?  If not, then I would say "I'm really not in a position to help you with _____."  

Regarding reaching out to the MOH, if you are hosting a bachelorette party and want to see what her availability and budget is - great.  Don't contact her with expectations of her to do anything for you / bride.

Also, if you are in a position financially to organize a bachelorette party in Austin, then great.  But you shouldn't feel pressured to do so.  

Words of wisdom - don't get in between this bride and the MOH.  If you offer to do something to help her (address invites, plan a shower, etc), then do it by yourself.  If the MOH indicates that she wants to help, then great!  

glasgowtolondon

Well isn't it lovely of her to let you know you'll be helping with her wedding...and financially if needed too. Oh, and also for you to be mindful of the MOH - try not to step on her toes with all your helping!!!

I'd just echo @holyguacamole79 , would you have offered if your friend hadn't made the decision for you?

climbingsingle

RUN. 

Seriously, I'd back out of this wedding. It sounds like a lot of drama waiting to happen. 

jenna8984

climbingwife said:

RUN. 

Seriously, I'd back out of this wedding. It sounds like a lot of drama waiting to happen. 

BINGO. Send her to this site so she can learn to come back to reality and lower her expectations. She gets whatever shower and bachelorette is offered to her, whether that's a weekend in Austin, or a slumber party with pizza. She does not get to decide and make anyone spend any money they don't wish to.

Jen4948

Knottie1449694350 said:

One of my closest friends recently asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was a little worried I would be upset she didn't ask me to be MOH (we met in our 20s, and she asked one of her childhood friends) but I truly am just happy to be part of her day and do whatever she needs. 

When she asked me, she talked about how this was no reflection on who she cared about more, and between us, she believed her friend would've been upset if she had not been asked to be MOH. She explained since her MOH lives in Georgia, she'd like me to help with some of the more traditional MOH tasks...in terms of preparation and it was implied financially if needed. She also said her MOH (who I don't know as well) would probably get a little upset and might feel like her toes are being stepped on, but she just wanted things to go smoothly and maybe I should reach out to her to start on a good note. 

I want her to have the best day possible, but I also feel a little awkward  about the whole thing. She's getting married in Illinois in November 2016, and would like to do a traditional shower and bachelorette trip to Austin, so there will be lots of planning involved on our end. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated! 

The only "traditional tasks" any bridesmaid or MOH has is to acquire the designated outfit, show up to the wedding in it sober, on time, and in good spirits, go up and down the aisle and stand next to the bride during the ceremony, and pose for some photos.

Helping with setup or cleanup, DIY projects, shopping for dresses with or without the bride and other family and wedding party members, and hosting or attending parties for the bride or couple are NOT "traditional tasks" of the MOH or bridesmaids.  Nor is paying for any part of the wedding or anything other than your dress.

If you aren't able to do more than that, you don't have to offer.  If someone asks you to help with things beyond this, tell them, "I'm sorry, but this is not something I can do."  No other explanations are necessary.

CMGragain

"Traditional tasks?"  WHAT tradition is this?  I am a very traditional lady, and I would never dream of asking a member of my bridal party to help me plan my wedding.  I had enough input from my FMIL!

downtondiva

The first red flag for me was that she felt the need to give you a big explanation of why you aren't her MOH. 

But anyway, the only thing you're obligated to do as a bridesmaid is show up at the wedding in the dress agreed upon and stand up there with the bride. If there are other things you'd like to be involved in, that's nice, but it's not required and the bride shouldn't require it of you. Get involved with what you want for this wedding, but don't feel obligated to turn your life over to planning things for the bride. She needs to learn that you can't always get what you want.

thisismynickname2

I'd just like to know what "financially" means, because that's scary. You're not buying her centerpieces or contributing to her dress fund. 

You're also not footing the bill or subsidizing however many pre-wedding parties she probably thinks she's automatically entitled to-- unless you want to and would have offered anyway. 

TNDancer

thisismynickname said:

I'd just like to know what "financially" means, because that's scary. You're not buying her centerpieces or contributing to her dress fund. 

You're also not footing the bill or subsidizing however many pre-wedding parties she probably thinks she's automatically entitled to-- unless you want to and would have offered anyway. 

Ugh. My BFF is in a wedding this month where the bride had bought a dress she couldn't afford. She paid the last $250 so the bride could pick it up. There are some crazies.

[Deleted User]

I get the reaching out to the MOH, but just to say hi, I'm looking forward to meeting you and being in the wedding party together. Then offering the MOH if she needs help with anything that she may want to plan, to feel free to contact you.

The bride doesn't get to determine where the Bachlorette party or bridal shower is. And if she has an out of state one, that's not your responsibility. If you want to host a local one for her & take on the financial cost of that, then that of course is your decision. You're only financial obligation to the bride is to buy the selected dress which of course must be within the budget perimeters set by all the BM.