Ok to invite some but not all?

HonorBlossom

Hi,

I have some cousins that I'm closer to than others within the same family. Is it ok to invite the ones I'm closer to and not the others? Or is it all or none?

Thank you.

knottie2b256f5c2ae42586

I would imagine there would be some hurt feelings among the cousins because some were invited while others were not.

Would you have the budget to accommodate the whole family?
How old are your cousins?

lyndausvi

It's okay.    Doesn't mean there will not be hurt feelings, but it's still okay.   Only you can decide if it's worth it or not to not invite them.    For example, if you still see them 1-2 times a year, maybe not.  If  you haven't see them in years, then you have nothing to lose.

HonorBlossom

We're trying to keep the guest list around 150 which it's already over. There are 10 of them plus significant others so that would be an additional 20 people. They're all older adults. Plus, not all of them get along with each other either.

lyndausvi

Bottom line is you are the only one who knows your family dynamic.     I personally didn't want to go there and invited all 48 of them (24+SOs).   

Other people decide to deal with the consequences (if there are any).

Maggie0829

We invited some cousins and not others.  The ones we didn't invite we only see, maybe, once a year, if that.  One of the cousins FB messaged us about 6 months prior to our wedding to tell us that he was sorry but he wouldn't be able to make it.  Well that is good because you weren't getting an invite anyways.

Like Lynda said, only you know your family dynamics.  Inviting in circles is just a general rule, but if you rarely see these people and really have no relationship with them outside of them just being your cousin, then don't invite them.

[Deleted User]

We faced this same thing... Hubby has 30+ first cousins..  There were some my husband hadn't spoken to in over 10 years. We invited the ones we have relationships with. It's common in his family however since there are so many. Know one cared.  

HonorBlossom

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

Jen4948

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

In this situation, you need to invite everyone without making exceptions, because leaving someone out will cause hurt feelings.

If your venue has a capacity limitation that doesn't allow for that, then you need to find another venue. If there's a budget issue, then you have to reconsider your budget and perhaps cut some things down or out to allow you to invite everyone. If both, then you need to do both.

This is why we advise getting guest lists and budgets finalized before choosing venues - so you don't have to try to eliminate people to fit predetermined capacity or budget caps.

lyndausvi

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

So you are basically not invited one whole family.  Yeah, that does make it trickier.  

Not something I would do, but it's not against etiquette either.  Again it comes down to are you willing to deal with the possible consequences of not inviting them.

STARMOON44

Jen4948 said:

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

In this situation, you need to invite everyone without making exceptions, because leaving someone out will cause hurt feelings.

If your venue has a capacity limitation that doesn't allow for that, then you need to find another venue. If there's a budget issue, then you have to reconsider your budget and perhaps cut some things down or out to allow you to invite everyone. If both, then you need to do both.

This is why we advise getting guest lists and budgets finalized before choosing venues - so you don't have to try to eliminate people to fit predetermined capacity or budget caps.

I completely disagree. She stated that all of the cousins are older adults. They should be fine with understanding that they don't get invited to every party. Sure, someone's feelings might get hurt, but the possibility of an adult you aren't close to being a crybaby doesn't mean she "needs" to invite them, nor does it mean she has done a bad job planning her venue or budget. She can afford to invite all the people she wants to attend, and that is sufficient.

holyguacamole79

FutureG said:

Hi,

I have some cousins that I'm closer to than others within the same family. Is it ok to invite the ones I'm closer to and not the others? Or is it all or none?

Thank you.

FutureG said:

We're trying to keep the guest list around 150 which it's already over. There are 10 of them plus significant others so that would be an additional 20 people. They're all older adults. Plus, not all of them get along with each other either.

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

It totally depends on the family dynamics.  I'm not close with the cousins on my mom's side of the family.  I only considered inviting one cousin (and her husband).  She has 3 siblings, and I wasn't close to the others.  It would not have been catastrophic had I invited her and not her brothers/sisters.

However, DH's cousins on his mom's side are INCREDIBLY close.  If we had invited Aunt Helen's adult children and not Aunt Dorothy's adult children, things would be SUPER messy.

I would tread VERY lightly with inviting only some members of an immediate family, though.

spockforprez

My feelings (and my parents') were very hurt when I was not invited to my cousin's wedding but my other first cousins were. When we got engaged we truly intended to include him and his sister but once we discovered the guest list was pushing 120 people we absolutely had to make cuts and, well, they were cut because of the hurt feelings.

Ultimately I'm glad, because earlier this year his sister (my cousin) got engaged and married very quickly (military) and my entire family was invited except me and my brothers. So, this way, it keeps it nice and clean and we all know where we stand, ha.

It still rankles me from time to time because of the sense of "Well THEY started it!" (and their parents went to my cousin's - who is getting married in March and I'm a bridesmaid - engagement party but not mine) but I just remember there's more than enough to worry about in the world and I don't need to add petty family issues with people I'm not even super close to. I see them a couple times a year and smile and hug and catch up and that's all that's required of us.

Edited bc too many cousins in this post.

jacques27

I think it's fine as long as they aren't in the same household and being split up. As in, you're inviting the cousin but not the spouse, or you're inviting the adults and oldest minor child but not the youngest. Your wedding is not a family reunion - there should be no expectation that every single relative gets an invite. I personally have no qualms about excluding cousins to events I throw if we aren't close. If we don't maintain a relationship the other 364 days of the year, I'm not going to pretend this one day or event means our linked DNA takes precedence over other closer relationships I have. But then again, I tend to be pretty straightforward and clear about where people stand and I don't feel the need to coddle people.

You know your family dynamic. It's totally possible there will be hurt feelings or guilt trips or some other fallout. Really only you can decide if it's worth that risk and something you can handle, but from an etiquette standpoint you would not be doing anything wrong so long as you aren't splitting households/social units in the process.

cupcait927

We only invited some of H's cousins and not others. All of them are adults, and we made sure not to split up families. He grew up with the younger half of his cousins and they all live locally, so we invited that set. The other, older half of his cousins live out of town (as in, would require a long drive or plan ride) and he sees them once a year, if that, and didn't seem them much as a kid either - there's no close relationship. I still feel a little twinge of guilt for not inviting everyone but we didn't get any push back from the family on the decision. 

Just don't do what H's cousin did, which was split up families. H, myself and my in-laws were all invited but my SIL was not (she lives in NC). Turns out, his cousin only invited people that lived in the area because she just assumed anyone that lived far away wouldn't have come anyway. So some children from some families were invited and others weren't, which was awkward for everyone.

madamerwin

Jen4948 said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

In this situation, you need to invite everyone without making exceptions, because leaving someone out will cause hurt feelings. If your venue has a capacity limitation that doesn't allow for that, then you need to find another venue. If there's a budget issue, then you have to reconsider your budget and perhaps cut some things down or out to allow you to invite everyone. If both, then you need to do both. This is why we advise getting guest lists and budgets finalized before choosing venues - so you don't have to try to eliminate people to fit predetermined capacity or budget caps.

This is not true, you do not NEED to invite them all. Etiquette-wise, as long as they are all adults, you can choose who to invite. That doesn't mean there won't be hurt feelings, but you can indeed invite the ones you are close to and not others. Or you can choose only to invite the adults, but not the underage ones.

The only time you would NEED to invite them all is if not doing so would split up a family with young kids. For example: If the kids were ages 1, 2, 5, 6, 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, and 17, it would be rude to invite the 5, 10, 12, and 15 year olds but not the rest.

If these are all adults, you send them separate invitations to their separate homes, but be prepared for hurt feelings. If they do not all get along and/or don't speak to each other often (or at all), then maybe no one will even raise a fuss.

As PPs have said, only you know your family dynamic. If you think it will cause a huge stink not to invite them all, you may want to try to invite all of them. I personally chose to invite all cousins to my wedding to avoid hurt feelings, and funny enough, in the end, only the ones I was close to attended anyway.

SP29

As per etiquette, adults get their own invite and one is not tied to another (beyond inviting SOs). So yes, you absolutely can invite some cousins but not others.

If and how you decide to do this is ultimately up to you. It is recommended to invite in circles, to avoid hurt feelings, but that is not a requirement.

Yes, some of your cousins may have hurt feelings, but you have decide how important that is to you. 

MobKaz

FutureG said:

We're trying to keep the guest list around 150 which it's already over. There are 10 of them plus significant others so that would be an additional 20 people. They're all older adults. Plus, not all of them get along with each other either.

***BOX***
If you are ALREADY over your guest limit, why would you even consider adding twenty more to it?

[Deleted User]

Typically families are invited by circles. In this case, because they all come from the same immediate family it is typically all or none.

If you decide to ultimately split up who is invited, be prepared for hurt feelings or even divided families that may never speak with you again. Some people do take it to that level and they deserve it.  I like to say treat others as you would expect them to treat you. I support the other posts that due to this consequence of exclusion, will not invite family members to their wedding or their children's wedding, because they excluded them on purpose from theirs.

It's up to you.

huskypuppy14

Everafterstar said:

Typically families are invited by circles. In this case, because they all come from the same immediate family it is typically all or none.

If you decide to ultimately split up who is invited, be prepared for hurt feelings or even divided families that may never speak with you again. Some people do take it to that level and they deserve it.  I like to say treat others as you would expect them to treat you. I support the other posts that due to this consequence of exclusion, will not invite family members to their wedding or their children's wedding, because they excluded them on purpose from theirs.

It's up to you.

NO. Once you are an adult, your invitation is not contingent on your siblings' invitation. Not all families are close, and even if they are you are still not required to invite them.

And where do you draw the line, is it first cousins you have to invite everyone? My dad has a big family. I only invited one of my first cousin's - though to be fair every other cousin on that side that has gotten married has also only invited her.  She has a step brother, so even though I invited her parents (my aunt and uncle), I didn't invite my step cousin because I haven't seen him in over 20 years. 

I invited one of my dad's uncles (and his wife), because we are closer to him and his wife. But my dad has 13 aunts and uncles, was I required to invite all of my grandmother's siblings because I invited one?? No.

JoanE2012

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

I could never invite some from one family and not others - even if they are all adults.  To me, it's not worth the possible hurt feelings.  I planned the guest list (and budget!) before finding a venue so I could accommodate everyone.

madamerwin

JoanE2012 said:

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

I could never invite some from one family and not others - even if they are all adults.  To me, it's not worth the possible hurt feelings.  I planned the guest list (and budget!) before finding a venue so I could accommodate everyone.

I get that you're just giving your opinion, but everyone's family dynamic is different - just because you can't/wouldn't invite some cousins and not others, it doesn't mean that is true for everyone. I have cousins that I have not spoken to in years, whose siblings I do keep in touch with on a regular basis. It would not have caused hard feelings if I didn't invite the ones I don't speak with. In fact, I was not invited to a couple of cousin's weddings but my sister was - because she is close to these cousins - and there were no hard feelings.

princessleia22

FutureG said:

We're trying to keep the guest list around 150 which it's already over. There are 10 of them plus significant others so that would be an additional 20 people. They're all older adults. Plus, not all of them get along with each other either.

If you are already over your guest limit, I'd suggest just not inviting any of them.  That saves you from causing any hurt feelings over some being invited, but not others.  And if you aren't close enough to them to include them in your initial list, just skip them.  I was in similar situation where I had a couple of cousins that I wouldn't mind having attend my wedding, but really didn't want to invite all of them (it would have doubled my list).  But, I decided it was easiest to just eliminate all of them from my list. 

AddieCake

If you're over your limit, you need to scale back on the entire guest list or find a bigger venue. These people are irrelevant to the equation until you figure that out. 

VicTim328

Only you know your family dynamic.  If you think inviting some from that family would create hard feelings, then it probably will.  You just have to consider the scale of hard feelings and if it will have any relational ramifications, and the scale of drama it will create.  Or, if any hurt relationship will bother you, or nana, or your parents. Aunts and Uncles can be very vocal to their siblings when their adult kids are involved.

What do your parents say? More than likely, they will also know what type of reaction to expect.  Plus, if any of your relationships are affected, chances are, there's will be too.

If you are already pushing your limit (is it budgetary or venue), and there won't be too much of a problem, I'd say don't worry about them.

[Deleted User]

Set a budget and then go from there.  Those are great ideas and helpful in your planning.

JoanE2012

madamerwin said:

JoanE2012 said:

FutureG said:

Just to clarify the 10 cousins are all from the same immediate family (my uncle) they are all brothers and sisters. 

I could never invite some from one family and not others - even if they are all adults.  To me, it's not worth the possible hurt feelings.  I planned the guest list (and budget!) before finding a venue so I could accommodate everyone.

I get that you're just giving your opinion, but everyone's family dynamic is different - just because you can't/wouldn't invite some cousins and not others, it doesn't mean that is true for everyone. I have cousins that I have not spoken to in years, whose siblings I do keep in touch with on a regular basis. It would not have caused hard feelings if I didn't invite the ones I don't speak with. In fact, I was not invited to a couple of cousin's weddings but my sister was - because she is close to these cousins - and there were no hard feelings.

You're right, each person's family dynamics are different.  My family dynamic means that all cousin's within the same family got invited.  It wasn't worth possible hurt feelings among cousins (or aunts, uncles or my own parents!)