Bridesmaid Kerfuffle

brideine08

My 4 bridesmaids are girls I've known since I was 5 or 6 years old, we're a tight-knit group of friends and our friendship has never wavered throughout the years despite distance. However, I'm lucky enough to have a number of close girlfriends. One of my friends from college called me the other day and was very upset that I didn't call to let her know she wasn't in the bridal party. She found out from a mutual friend.  When my fiance and I decided on having only 4 friends each in the bridal party I felt bad about not being able to include everyone but I assumed they'd understand. When this friend called me she was really angry and upset. She even started crying. I'm one of the first to get married from all my friend groups and I didn't realize it was necessary to tell people they weren't in the bridal party. Is this a thing I should have done? This friend and I are still fairly close but we've been growing apart since college. I've made an effort to keep our friendship going but she's gotten worse and worse at returning my texts and calls so I've been less active about keeping in touch.  

I apologized profusely on the phone to her. I had already invited her to go dress shopping with me and some other friends and I told her I want her to be a part of all the big events like the bachelorette party and bridal shower. I also explained how much I've valued her friendship over the years and that I simply chose the other girls because we've known each other for such a long time. I feel really bad about the situation and want to know if I should do more to apologize or if she's just overreacting.

thisismynickname2

First, a) I love the word kerfuffle. Except I thought it was more like kerfluffle. Dictionary.com tells me I'm wrong and you're right. 

b) No, it's not a thing to tell people they're not in the party. That would be really rude. 

c) Honestly, when I was 24, I was your friend (meaning that I called a bride and sadly asked why I wasn't a BM, and yeah, I cried). I was very hurt to not be asked to be a bridesmaid for a close friend, although we had grown apart a bit since college. Friendships ebb and flow as people go throw different phases of life at different times, or get other interests. It was a lesson I had to learn. My friend handled it in a very classy manner to her credit, and we're still close 8 years later. I got over it, and your friend will too. You have apologized and explained you still value her friendship. Time to move on! 

holyguacamole79

brideine08 said:

My 4 bridesmaids are girls I've known since I was 5 or 6 years old, we're a tight-knit group of friends and our friendship has never wavered throughout the years despite distance. However, I'm lucky enough to have a number of close girlfriends. One of my friends from college called me the other day and was very upset that I didn't call to let her know she wasn't in the bridal party. She found out from a mutual friend.  When my fiance and I decided on having only 4 friends each in the bridal party I felt bad about not being able to include everyone but I assumed they'd understand. When this friend called me she was really angry and upset. She even started crying. I'm one of the first to get married from all my friend groups and I didn't realize it was necessary to tell people they weren't in the bridal party. Is this a thing I should have done? This friend and I are still fairly close but we've been growing apart since college. I've made an effort to keep our friendship going but she's gotten worse and worse at returning my texts and calls so I've been less active about keeping in touch.  

I apologized profusely on the phone to her. I had already invited her to go dress shopping with me and some other friends and I told her I want her to be a part of all the big events like the bachelorette party and bridal shower. I feel really bad about the situation and want to know if I should do more to apologize or if she's just overreacting.

I assume (hope) you said nothing to her about being a bridesmaid before.  If that's the case, then she had no reason to get upset with you and get so emotional.  You honestly don't owe her an apology and you did the right thing by not tellling her that she's not a bridesmaid.

CMGragain

brideine08 said:

My 4 bridesmaids are girls I've known since I was 5 or 6 years old, we're a tight-knit group of friends and our friendship has never wavered throughout the years despite distance. However, I'm lucky enough to have a number of close girlfriends. One of my friends from college called me the other day and was very upset that I didn't call to let her know she wasn't in the bridal party. She found out from a mutual friend.  When my fiance and I decided on having only 4 friends each in the bridal party I felt bad about not being able to include everyone but I assumed they'd understand. When this friend called me she was really angry and upset. She even started crying. I'm one of the first to get married from all my friend groups and I didn't realize it was necessary to tell people they weren't in the bridal party. Is this a thing I should have done? This friend and I are still fairly close but we've been growing apart since college. I've made an effort to keep our friendship going but she's gotten worse and worse at returning my texts and calls so I've been less active about keeping in touch.  

I apologized profusely on the phone to her. I had already invited her to go dress shopping with me and some other friends and I told her I want her to be a part of all the big events like the bachelorette party and bridal shower. I also explained how much I've valued her friendship over the years and that I simply chose the other girls because we've known each other for such a long time. I feel really bad about the situation and want to know if I should do more to apologize or if she's just overreacting.

Your friend owes YOU an apology.  She had no right to assume that she would be in your bridal party.
...But, WHAT?  You are having an entourage go dress shopping with you?  Terrible idea!  Now that you have already invited friends, you have to go through with it.  Many bridal shops do not have the space for more than two shopping companions.  Check with the stores.  I think having a large group of people accompanying you will be confusing.  You want the dress that YOU love, not the one that they love.

brideine08

Thank you so much guys! My kerfuffle (I thought it was kerfluffle at first, too) has been solved. I was really beating myself up over this one and just having trouble moving on. I hope my friend doesn't stay angry at me much longer, I really would hate for this to end our friendship.

Don't worry CMGragain, it's not an entourage, just 3 girls. One friend basically invited herself and I thought it would be nice to invite along the other 2 since they all are friends and to avoid anyone getting hurt feelings. It's a bridal store I'm not too serious about. I'm going to the one where I think I'll find THE dress with just my mom.

PrettyGirlLost

Where did this arbitrary number of 4 ppl on each side come from?

If there's not a budget issue, I would have invited my closest friends to be in my bridal party, regardless of what that final number ended up being.

AddieCake

I, too, was guilty of doing this to a friend who got married when I was young and dumb. You didn't need to let her know, so you've done nothing wrong. I'm not sure I would be including her in dress shopping, though.

brideine08

PrettyGirlLost, my fiance only has 4 really close guy friends and we didn't want an uneven number of guys/girls in our bridal party. I feel like adding her on would just lead to other friends that I'm maybe a little closer to feeling jilted. We're also trying to stick to a budget, my fiance and I are paying for the wedding,  and adding more girls on would just be a little to expensive for us.

holyguacamole79

brideine08 said:

PrettyGirlLost, my fiance only has 4 really close guy friends and we didn't want an uneven number of guys/girls in our bridal party. I feel like adding her on would just lead to other friends that I'm maybe a little closer to feeling jilted. We're also trying to stick to a budget, my fiance and I are paying for the wedding,  and adding more girls on would just be a little to expensive for us.

Uneven sides shouldn't be a reason. If you are happy with 4 bridesmaids because it fits in your budget, then that's your call.

CMGragain

You do not owe anyone an explanation about who is included in your wedding party.  Please do not use the "even sides" excuse, though, because it won't fly.

SP29

No one is "owed" a spot in your wedding party. I would have been rude of you to point out who is not in your bridal party. I think it was kind of you to state how much you value her friendship, but you don't owe her any reasons or an apology. 

themosthappy91

PrettyGirlLost said:

Where did this arbitrary number of 4 ppl on each side come from? If there's not a budget issue, I would have invited my closest friends to be in my bridal party, regardless of what that final number ended up being.

I mean, you have to cut it off somewhere. It sounds like OP has lots of close girlfriends, even beyond the 4 that are BM's and the fifth who is upset.

I have close friends I didn't ask to be BM's because as much as I love all those girls, I just wanted a smaller group that day. Plus a lot of times it makes more sense to do these things in tiers- I have seven girlfriends I would consider close friends but two who are clearly my BFF's, so expanding beyond those two would be a huge jump in numbers that could present both a budgetary and logistical challenge. OP doesn't have to justify just wanting four- not to her other friends, not to you. 

AddieCake

I agree she doesn't have to justify the four. It's not like it's a case where she deliberately left someone out because her fiancé only had four and ZOMG even sides. They decided on four, so she has four. 

TheCheeseWench

While you certainly shouldn't call to tell someone that they are not included, do you think that perhaps she erroneously assumed that she was going to be included in the wedding party since you had already invited her to join in the dress shopping? As CMG said, that usually isn't something that you include anyone in who isn't in your very innermost circle. I only took my Mother, and had I thought that anyone else would have cared to go, it only would have been people close enough to be in my WP. Not saying that what you did was wrong, or that she should have assumed she would be included, but I can see how she may have been confused.

SP29

I disagree you cannot invite people who aren't in your WP to a dress fitting. I don't think one should ever assume to be in someone's WP unless actually asked. 

Similar to the OP, at the time of my wedding, I had 3 groups of close friends, for a total of 9. In one group of 4, I was closer to 2 of them. I asked 3 ladies to be in my WP, 2 accepted. It was kind of one of those "pick some or all", but if I had picked all of them, who would I have had actually sitting in the ceremony seats? And I didn't want a large party. 2 worked out perfectly.

At the time we lived away from our hometown, where we were getting married, so my mom and MOH were not local for dress shopping. I asked the woman who was my BM, as well as a couple other friends who are still close friends, and generally enjoyed weddings. 3 of my friends, one of whom was my BM, threw me a bachelorette party- I didn't ask, they offered, even though they weren't in the BP. 

Relationships ebb and flow. At the time, I asked the people who I'd call up if I REALLY needed something (you know, like to bury a body ). 2 years later, except for my MOH, I would choose slightly different, but I am still friends with the other 2 women I asked to be BMs. 

Also similarly, the woman who was my MOH, who has been my best friend since we were 14/15, got married this summer and didn't have a WP. Myself and my other 2 friends still threw her a shower and bacchelorette party- I didn't think I was in her WP, because she never asked. 

PrettyGirlLost

themosthappy91 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Where did this arbitrary number of 4 ppl on each side come from?

If there's not a budget issue, I would have invited my closest friends to be in my bridal party, regardless of what that final number ended up being.

I mean, you have to cut it off somewhere. It sounds like OP has lots of close girlfriends, even beyond the 4 that are BM's and the fifth who is upset.

I have close friends I didn't ask to be BM's because as much as I love all those girls, I just wanted a smaller group that day. Plus a lot of times it makes more sense to do these things in tiers- I have seven girlfriends I would consider close friends but two who are clearly my BFF's, so expanding beyond those two would be a huge jump in numbers that could present both a budgetary and logistical challenge. OP doesn't have to justify just wanting four- not to her other friends, not to you. 

So we're not allowed to ask questions now? Got it. No more discussions on a discussion forum. I'll be sure to keep my responses to validation only.

The reason I wanted to know where the number 4 came from is because often times people decide on a number for the sake of even sides, and we used to tell ppl that even sides are unnecessary and that if you have the budget for it, you should ask whomever you want to be in your wedding party, regardless of numbers and even sides.

themosthappy91

PrettyGirlLost said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Where did this arbitrary number of 4 ppl on each side come from? If there's not a budget issue, I would have invited my closest friends to be in my bridal party, regardless of what that final number ended up being.

I mean, you have to cut it off somewhere. It sounds like OP has lots of close girlfriends, even beyond the 4 that are BM's and the fifth who is upset.

I have close friends I didn't ask to be BM's because as much as I love all those girls, I just wanted a smaller group that day. Plus a lot of times it makes more sense to do these things in tiers- I have seven girlfriends I would consider close friends but two who are clearly my BFF's, so expanding beyond those two would be a huge jump in numbers that could present both a budgetary and logistical challenge. OP doesn't have to justify just wanting four- not to her other friends, not to you. 

So we're not allowed to ask questions now? Got it. No more discussions on a discussion forum. I'll be sure to keep my responses to validation only. The reason I wanted to know where the number 4 came from is because often times people decide on a number for the sake of even sides, and we used to tell ppl that even sides are unnecessary and that if you have the budget for it, you should ask whomever you want to be in your wedding party, regardless of numbers and even sides.

@PrettyGirlLost sorry, I think my response to you came off as more snarky than I meant it to- I get where you are coming from but it just seemed to me there were a lot of indicators that the even sides issue was not a major factor here. My larger point was I don't think it's fair to expect everyone to want to include all their close friends in their bridal party because a lot of people have pretty large close friend groups that would get unwieldy- so yeah, the final configurations may seem somewhat "arbitrary" to an outsider. My bad if my response seemed chilling to the overall discussion. 

brideine08

I had the big dress appointment yesterday. My friend who called me about not being a bridesmaid was there and had a fake sincerity throughout the appointment. And to make things worse the other friend I had invited, who's also not a bridesmaid, confronted me after the appointment that she was also upset I didn't tell her she wasn't in the wedding. You guys were probably right, I shouldn't have had them at the appointment. Luckily I didn't find THE dress, the next appointment is just going to be with my mom. I thought I was showing them how important their friendship was to me by including them in events but it just turned into a big mess that put a slight damper on the day.  Gosh, weddings are more stressful than I ever imagined.

holyguacamole79

brideine08 said:

I had the big dress appointment yesterday. My friend who called me about not being a bridesmaid was there and had a fake sincerity throughout the appointment. And to make things worse the other friend I had invited, who's also not a bridesmaid, confronted me after the appointment that she was also upset I didn't tell her she wasn't in the wedding. You guys were probably right, I shouldn't have had them at the appointment. Luckily I didn't find THE dress, the next appointment is just going to be with my mom. I thought I was showing them how important their friendship was to me by including them in events but it just turned into a big mess that put a slight damper on the day.  Gosh, weddings are more stressful than I ever imagined.

Ugh, I'm sorry. It sounds like things are going to be awkward with them for a bit. Avoid wedding talk with both of them.

brideine08

Agreed holyguac! I think I'll have to steer-clear of wedding talk with them.

Scribe95, one of the girls said she couldn't wait to go dress shopping with me (without me inviting her on an appointment) and I figured it would be a nice way to show both of them they're important to me even though I didn't pick them to be bridesmaids. I'm the first of all my friends to get married so I didn't realize it wasn't a thing to invite girls not in the bridal party. I now see that it didn't really help them to see how much I appreciate their friendship, it was just an opportunity for them to make me feel like crap for not having them be bridesmaids. Should have just gone with my mom. Lesson learned.

VicTim328

brideine08 said:

I had the big dress appointment yesterday. My friend who called me about not being a bridesmaid was there and had a fake sincerity throughout the appointment. And to make things worse the other friend I had invited, who's also not a bridesmaid, confronted me after the appointment that she was also upset I didn't tell her she wasn't in the wedding. You guys were probably right, I shouldn't have had them at the appointment. Luckily I didn't find THE dress, the next appointment is just going to be with my mom. I thought I was showing them how important their friendship was to me by including them in events but it just turned into a big mess that put a slight damper on the day.  Gosh, weddings are more stressful than I ever imagined.

Honestly, if I had been invited to a dress shopping event, and had not been asked to be a BM, I may have assumed you were waiting to ask me...

It's absolutely wrong on their part to assume they are BM and then expect you to burst their bubble or tell them they aren't... 

Don't ask them to participate in the wedding things.  You'll save yourself a lot of stress.  They can be invited to the shower etc., but if it is supposed to be a more intimate thing (getting ready for wedding, rd etc) I wouldn't extend the invitation.

Please don't try to compensate these ladies with other "honors," like guest book, or wedding day coordinator.

SP29

@brideine08 I invited non-WP friends to try on dresses and I never had anyone pout or yell at me about why hadn't I told them they weren't in the WP... 

Even with my friend who didn't have a WP- I did look forward to being part of her WP if she had one, but she never asked me to be in it, so I never assumed I was, nor did I expect her to let me know I wasn't. Obviously the day she got married and I wasn't standing up at the front with her was pretty clear I wasn't in it . I still continued to ask how her planning was going and how I could help regardless...

Sorry it didn't go as well as you hoped. At this point, I would keep the wedding talk to a minimum. Beyond that, not much else you can do. 

Jen4948

brideine08 said:

I had the big dress appointment yesterday. My friend who called me about not being a bridesmaid was there and had a fake sincerity throughout the appointment. And to make things worse the other friend I had invited, who's also not a bridesmaid, confronted me after the appointment that she was also upset I didn't tell her she wasn't in the wedding. You guys were probably right, I shouldn't have had them at the appointment. Luckily I didn't find THE dress, the next appointment is just going to be with my mom. I thought I was showing them how important their friendship was to me by including them in events but it just turned into a big mess that put a slight damper on the day.  Gosh, weddings are more stressful than I ever imagined.

I'm very sorry that happened.  But yes, "including" them without making them bridesmaids apparently doesn't work with them, so going forward, I wouldn't "include" them in your wedding plans other than just inviting them as guests and letting it go at that.  As PPs suggest, don't talk with them about your wedding or invite them to other wedding-related events other than your wedding itself.

huskypuppy14

I've been invited to dress shopping with a friend when I wasn't a BM. I enjoyed it and never assumed I was a BM. You can invite whoever you want. Just because people are butthurt over it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. 

On the other hand, you also don't have to invite anyone dress shopping even if they are a BM. I didn't invite my best friend and BM dress shopping with me because I already had my 2 sisters and my mom.