DIY Weddings

What, if anything, should I delegate to the groom?

tigerlily6tigerlily6
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edited December 2015 in DIY Weddings
We are both in grad school full time, trying to minimize debts, so I am planning the wedding on my own (utilizing my breaks as much as I can!). He has been great about offering to take on responsibilities, but I have struggled figuring out what to delegate to him. I have heard that traditionally the grooms are in charge of planning the honeymoon, which would be a huge help. Is there anything else I ought to consider handing off to him? For the record, although he's  very excited to be married,  he fully admits that he doesn't really have any opinions or much clue about weddings. Any tips from ladies who may also have had stereotypical non-opinionated grooms?
                    


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Re: What, if anything, should I delegate to the groom?

  • Honeymoon is a good idea - but really - if he has no interest in any of the other tasks specifically, just get things handled, it'll just stress you out when things aren't done.  He could take care of "Hiring a Coordinator" to help you with everything! But otherwise, the guest list for "his side" is a good thing to dictate - I mean delegate to him to get done.  Helping stuff the invitations...  There's nothing worse than being forced to do something you don't want to do except for having to do everything yourself, so make sure you're hiring the right people that you can hand off as many details to as possible (i.e caterer to take care of all linen and glassware for example)...
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
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    We are both in grad school full time, trying to minimize debts, so I am planning the wedding on my own (utilizing my breaks as much as I can!). He has been great about offering to take on responsibilities, but I have struggled figuring out what to delegate to him. I have heard that traditionally the grooms are in charge of planning the honeymoon, which would be a huge help. Is there anything else I ought to consider handing off to him? For the record, although he's  very excited to be married,  he fully admits that he doesn't really have any opinions or much clue about weddings. Any tips from ladies who may also have had stereotypical non-opinionated grooms?
     I agree with @MesmrEwe ... once the invitations are in & addressed, have him stuff them and get them to the post office.  Make sure he (or you) has them weighed when fully assembled before purchasing postage.

    What other things are you taking on?  Perhaps you can sit with him and have a list of the tasks that need to be handled and see which he would feel comfortable doing.  My husband would have no interest in helping with flowers, but if I asked him to put together the program, he'd be good at that since he's good with computers.  It all depends on your FI.

    It's great that he sounds like he wants to help (which he should!).  Sit down together and see where things can be split up.



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  • Thanks @MesmrEwe and @holyguacamole79 ! He's a wonderful guy, wedding stuff is just not his forte. He has been fervently writing his dissertation during our engagement, trying to get it set so he can graduate this May (our wedding is in July) so I know wedding planning, something he already has little interest in, is really on the back-burner a lot of the time.

    We do still need to do invitations, so I will definitely get him involved with that. I asked him early on to pick our first dance song -- he still hasn't picked anything. We also need to figure out his and groomsmen' attire, ceremony music, reception music, transportation, and wedding night accommodations for ourselves (I reserved a block for guests, but not sure if we should get a hotel room or go to our house afterwards?). I'm okay taking on flowers and centerpieces and favors on my own (and helping delegate assistance w those things to others).
                        


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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs
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    Personally, I think you should plan the honeymoon together. It's a trip you're both going to take. But I'm a control freak and I don't know that I could let someone else (even my H) plan a vacation for me without any of my input. 

    My H helped me stuff envelopes. He then took all the invitations to the post office. 
    We made our own centerpieces and he helped with that too. 
    He did the seating chart for his friends and family. He also communicated with our photographer throughout planning. He also handled the final payments and tips for our vendors. 

  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish
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    DH was in school full-time and working full-time while we were planning our wedding so I did the majority of the planning. Sure, I had him help with things like the guest list, gathering addresses, stuffing envelopes, etc. Beyond that, I showed him the list and asked him what parts he wanted to take responsibility for.

    He ended up taking things that I find annoying: he bought our booze (and had a great time despite being a non-drinker!), booked our hotel block, researched limos (which we decided against), etc. It seems like he was most comfortable with those jobs that weren't related to the look/feel of the wedding.
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  • What does he want input on?  Food?  Cake?  DJ versus band?  Find out what he feels seriously about, and give him those things.  My FH will have a strong opinion about food, drinks (particularly the beer selection), and what he gets to wear.  He'll also care a lot about what things cost, so he'll be mildly involved in any of the big-ticket purchases, i.e. "if you don't like the cost of the photographer, find another photographer that takes nice pictures and costs less and is available on that date."
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
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    DH's interests were food (menu, cake and candy bar) and music.  So he did most of the research on those.

    All the other stuff I did the research.  Picked 3 options.  Gave them to him to look at.  Together (with my mom who was paying) picked out the final option.   One or two times he hated the options I gave.  That is when I found out he actually did have interest in other things.  Together we came up with a final product.  One time he just didn't care out something and told me just to pick.

    Overall I did most of the research, but we worked together for the final product.






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  • DH didn't care about the wedding.  He wanted to get it over with ASAP.  He was very happy with it, because I kept things very small and simple.
    With daughter's wedding, FSIL didn't have any strong opinions, either, except he wanted his friends and family to be invited.  He has a huge family, so that really affected our plans and budget.  He was very open to suggestions, especially money saving ideas.  I confess, I helped him choose her ring and get it at a good price in New York.  I also led him to a good travel agent who booked their Alaska cruise honeymoon, which he loved!
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    Thanks @MesmrEwe and @holyguacamole79 ! He's a wonderful guy, wedding stuff is just not his forte. He has been fervently writing his dissertation during our engagement, trying to get it set so he can graduate this May (our wedding is in July) so I know wedding planning, something he already has little interest in, is really on the back-burner a lot of the time. We do still need to do invitations, so I will definitely get him involved with that. I asked him early on to pick our first dance song -- he still hasn't picked anything. We also need to figure out his and groomsmen' attire, ceremony music, reception music, transportation, and wedding night accommodations for ourselves (I reserved a block for guests, but not sure if we should get a hotel room or go to our house afterwards?). I'm okay taking on flowers and centerpieces and favors on my own (and helping delegate assistance w those things to others).

    Do not voluntell people to help with your wedding.  If anyone offers their assistance, you can take them up on their offer.  But your WP are not your unpaid servants.  If you need a lot of help with things, consider hiring someone to help.

    As for your original question, my H helped with everything.  He helped me make the favors, assemble and stuff invitations.  He also attended almost every meeting with a vendor, including the florist.  He may have been more quiet at the vendors where he had no real opinion on anything, but he came with me.

    I think there is a difference between picking a song and picking a vendor.  Your FI should know that picking and booking vendors needs to happen faster than picking something out that can be almost done, day of.  So why not ask your FI to investigate the transportation and reception music (DJ or bands).

    tigerlily6
  • I think it depends on the groom, how comfortable he is with planning, what he wants to help with, and how much you trust him to be in charge of that aspect. 

    H is a DJ, so when it came to the setup of lights and music he was the main guy. BUT, he was also in charge of ordering alcohol for the wedding & kinda dropped the ball on ordering the wine (it was fine - I handled it), then waaaaay over-ordered beer. Normally I'd never complain about leftover beer, but in this case it was in kegs and a lot got wasted. 

    Have a chat with him and find out what aspects of planning he's interested in. If there aren't any, either plan yourself or hire a planner to assist you. 
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    I agree if he wants to be involved more, you should ask him what aspects of planning interest him. Does he want to be actually involved in completing tasks, or does he just want input? 
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  • I agree with letting him know (or better yet, showing him a list) of what needs to be done, even if you know by what date, and figure out what most interests him and what he is good at.

    I did all the venue and vendor research, narrowed down our options to 3 and then DH came for all the appointments. Once we had the appointments, he was very involved with who we picked, based on budget and who we thought was the best vendor. Even things like flowers- he didn't care what the bouquets looked like, but he did care about the boutonnieres, who seemed the most knowledgeable, had the best price for the best quality, etc. 

    DH also designed and printed the programs, place cards and addressed the invitations because he is computer savvy. 

    I think it would be important to have completion dates with your list of things to do, because certain things are important to be done NOW while other things can literally wait until the day before. For example, picking your first dance song can wait. I can understand why'd he want to finish his dissertation first. And you never know, you may pick a song now, then 3 months from now a new song comes out that you love and you change your mind anyway- that isn't something that needs to be locked down. 
  • tigerlily6tigerlily6
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    edited January 2016
    Thank you all for the advice! I like the idea of a list with a timeline. I have one online; my MOH made one for us, and shared it with both of us -- but I don't think he really looks at the online version. So I think it might be best if I print it out and highlight the items and dates that I would like help with from him. We are on a fairly tight budget, so at this point there is no room for a wedding planner. I appreciate @OliveOilsMom's reminder -- I have avoided asking any favors or tasks of the WP (although I have asked my BMs for opinions on styles/prices of their dresses, etc), and will continue to do so! One way I got unexpected help for the holidays, however, was from the Best Man. We visited him last week at FI's hometown. It was the first time we've seen him since FI asked him on the phone to be best man. He was SO enthusiastic and talked styles and suits unpromted with me for 30 min at the bar in front of the guys -- it was great! And best of all, his enthusiasm really helped FI get excited. We came home from the trip, and now FI's planning invitations designs with me and talking about extra hotel blocks. 2016 has started well. :smile: 
                        


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