Books on marriage?

BlondeBride2016

Hello ladies,

I am looking for books to assist in a happy marriage.

My fiancé recently proposed, and we're both over the moon. Our relationship is wonderful, and we rarely have problems so I'm not looking to "fix" anything. I have read 'The Rules for Marriage' and, while good, I found it brief, so would like to supplement my reading with other books that members of this community have found helpful.

I don't have many examples of successful marriage in my life, which is why I am looking externally to literature to prepare me for this journey. I will feel calmer in the knowledge that I have done some foundation work.

I have heard good things about 'The Surrendered Wife' and 'The Fascinating Woman' books, but I read on Amazon reviews that one mentions not working outside of the home (I'm career-driven, so that advice isn't welcome) and the other is based in Christianity. I don't mind reading books that are grounded in a particular faith, but quoting scripture etc is a little "much" for my taste.

Are there any books you would recommend?

Warmest wishes for a very happy New Year.

Chloé

AddieCake

I'm not sure you "need" books. Do you use books to just be in a relationship with this person? I know people are always looking for ways or advice in this area, but I just find it a little odd that you got engaged and now think you need to do homework to have a good marriage. 

MyNameIsNot

I liked the 5 languages of love.

I would also consider pre-marital counseling. It's not there to fix something or solve problems, but a good counselor can help with developing some relationship tools and help you make sure you've walked through the long term questions. Our church required it, but i initially thought it was stupid. We actually both got quite a lot out of it (even though my H is atheist.) 

thefanciestbeckler

I second premarital counseling, and would also recommend periodic counseling throughout the course of the marriage. You don't have to have "problems" in order to attend. Going semi-regularly is more of a tune-up like taking your car for an oil change.

charlotte989875

Third vote for some pre-martial counseling. We had to do three sessions as per the church we used. H thought it was dumb at first, but we both found that it brought up things that we hadn't talked about (what happens if a parent gets sick and needs assistance, what if you have trouble getting pregnant or your child has special needs? What happens if one person is sick or injured long term, etc). And we didn't necessarily need to have answers to these things, but I think it made us talk about more things pre-marriage than what we normally would/did (finances, children, career plans).

ETA: H never would have read a book on marriage so it was good we "had" to do the sessions with the church. Not that he wouldn't have gone otherwise but it helped to have something we had to do together.

OliveOilsMom

H & I are Catholic, so in order to prepare for marriage we had to go to Pre-cana.  While it overall does have a religious theme, it can also be very helpful for non-Catholics.  There are few different topics that the counseling goes over and each topic is presented by a married couple.  The couple tells you their experiences with that topic and how things worked/didn't work for them.  You will then break off into smaller groups to continue the discussion.

It was very helpful overall, even though H & I knew each other very well, there were still some things we learned about each other.  You do not have to be Catholic to attend this, it might also be more affordable then a therapist that would conduct pre-marital counseling. 

One aspect that we went over with our priest while preparing for marriage was the FOCCUS test.  It is a completely secular test that each partner takes, it covers various topics.  After you complete the test, you send in the results and shows you where you are on the same page and where you need to have more conversations.  I believe you can take this test completely online, not sure of the cost though.

I also agree with Addie.  A book cannot prepare you for marriage.  I feel this is something that both parties need to do together.  Maybe it is both of you reading a book and talking about it, I've seen many people on here talk about the Language of Love book mentioned above, but a one sided preparation for marriage doesn't do much good, IMHO.

STARMOON44

For Better by Tara Parker Pope.

AddieCake

Thank you, @OliveOilsMom You said it better;I know my response comes off kind of "Pffft! Books!" and that's not how I meant it. 

My husband and I did our love languages thing a couple years ago, and I agree it was helpful. I just think that's something that you do together, when the idea comes up, not just by yourself, homework-style, reading up on how to make a marriage work.  

marriedwithpoodles

Another vote for Love Languages. I would also suggest doing the Myers Briggs personality test. Sounds silly, but it can explain a lot of personality differences which can lead to conflict. I know you mentioned nothing too faith based, but I just started Sacred Marriage and I love it so far! There's a devotional to go with it, and FI is doing that with me.

We also did a "marriage prep" class and enjoyed it. 

madamerwin

I fourth (fifth?) marriage counseling. H and I didn't have anything specific we were trying to "fix" other than generally working on our communication skills and learning to fight more productively (if that makes sense).

In terms of books, look up John Gottman. He has a number of really great books that are pretty matter-of-fact and based on years of research into what makes a marriage work.

holyguacamole79

Another vote for pre-marital counseling.  The FOCCUS inventory was very helpful to identify points of discussion.

Also, you can read all the books you want .... if you and your FI aren't discussing what you read, it won't do much good.  He needs to be in on this, too.

sassercake12

We liked Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It covers a lot of things we didn't think about and how to deal with re-occurring issues, in-laws, etc. 

Also going to recommend Love Languages and premarital counseling. 

hellohkb

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch is good. As is anything by John Gottman, the marriage counseling God!