Wedding Etiquette Forum

Granddaughter was to be in wedding-then she wasn't

Granddaughter's mom was told (not asked) that she would be in the wedding 8 months before wedding. (Granddaughter's dad was best man and brother of the groom).

Fast forward until 2 weeks before wedding:  both myself and the best man were told at what time to be at the rehearsal but nothing was said about  my granddaughter attending.  At the rehearsal 2 other children were in the wedding but they never said anything to us about my granddaughter not being included. Neither of us said anything at the time as we didn't want to ruin their wedding.   

It has now been over 9 months and neither of my son's have talked about what happened.  My granddaughter and daughter-in-law did attend the wedding.  The groom did say that they decided  that my granddaughter (3 years old) was to shy and they were afraid she wouldn't walk down the aisle.  But they never let any of us know this beforehand.  My daughter-in-law does not want anything to do with the new wife because of this and she would like an apology for what they did.  The groom doesn't think they did anything wrong and is upset because of the way my granddaughter's mother is treating his new wife.

Has anyone had a similar situation and if so how did you handle it?  Before this we were a somewhat close family but not now.

Re: Granddaughter was to be in wedding-then she wasn't

  • Was the couple rude for removing your granddaughter?  Yes.  

    Unless there is more of a backstory I think holding a grudge over a 3 year old being removed from the  wedding is a little immature.   I get being hurt, but in the grand scheme of things it's shouldn't be a relationship ended event.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • "What we have here is a failure to communicate" - There's no question the B&G were in the "wrong" for one thing - not communicating that they had decided NOT to have the child in the wedding regardless of their reasoning and may need to be nudged that an apology is in order for the lack of communication so that the elephant in the room is brought to light.  Next, the parents of the child need to be accepting that B&G were (choose your term for less than knowledgeable of pretty basic etiquette) and it's o.k. to move on but in the future confront the elephant in the room if a similar situation happens.  They should also have communicated with the B&G about the situation long before the wedding in regard to an outfit/attire for the little one and this could have also been avoided had they been with it for their part to know ahead of time that something had changed.  Yes it's pretty crappy what the B&G did (and if not family is typically considered a "friendship ending move"), but as a family the two parties involved need to work it out so they can at least be civil to eachother in the future..

  • It was wrong of the couple to remove your granddaughter from the wedding party, and while they owe her an apology (there's no excuse so I wouldn't need an explanation), since 9 months have gone by I think it's time to let this go and move on.
  • Granddaughter's mom was told (not asked) that she would be in the wedding 8 months before wedding. (Granddaughter's dad was best man and brother of the groom).

    Fast forward until 2 weeks before wedding:  both myself and the best man were told at what time to be at the rehearsal but nothing was said about  my granddaughter attending.  At the rehearsal 2 other children were in the wedding but they never said anything to us about my granddaughter not being included. Neither of us said anything at the time as we didn't want to ruin their wedding.   

    It has now been over 9 months and neither of my son's have talked about what happened.  My granddaughter and daughter-in-law did attend the wedding.  The groom did say that they decided  that my granddaughter (3 years old) was to shy and they were afraid she wouldn't walk down the aisle.  But they never let any of us know this beforehand.  My daughter-in-law does not want anything to do with the new wife because of this and she would like an apology for what they did.  The groom doesn't think they did anything wrong and is upset because of the way my granddaughter's mother is treating his new wife.

    Has anyone had a similar situation and if so how did you handle it?  Before this we were a somewhat close family but not now.

    My advice is to stay out of it. What the couple did was rude, and this needs to be between the B&G and your granddaughter's parents. If one of them comes to you about it, I suggest saying "I appreciate how you feel. If your problem is with Joan & Phil, then you need to discuss it with them."
  • They were wrong, but it's time to just let this go and move on.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • 9 months?!? You and your daughter should get over it.
  • Thanks for your answers.  And STARMOON44 it is my daughter-in-law not my daughter.  I am not the one that is upset.   I was only  trying to find out if anyone else had had a similar situation and a solution to try to resolve it as I had stated before that we had been a close family before this happened.  
    .  
    And yes jacques27 they had already gotten a dress for her.  That was when they were informed she was in the wedding.  When the B&G were asked more than a few times about anything happening with the wedding the reply was always "we will let you know" and letting us know was a few weeks before the wedding.

    I myself thought it was a beautiful wedding and wish nothing but the best for them.  
  • edited January 2016

    Thanks for your answers.  And STARMOON44 it is my daughter-in-law not my daughter.  I am not the one that is upset.   I was only  trying to find out if anyone else had had a similar situation and a solution to try to resolve it as I had stated before that we had been a close family before this happened.  
    .  
    And yes jacques27 they had already gotten a dress for her.  That was when they were informed she was in the wedding.  When the B&G were asked more than a few times about anything happening with the wedding the reply was always "we will let you know" and letting us know was a few weeks before the wedding.

    I myself thought it was a beautiful wedding and wish nothing but the best for them.  

    Based on what I'm reading, it sounds like this is mostly between your two daughters-in-law .... right? How do your sons feel about this? Are they upset, too?

    There was tension in my family after my sister's wedding (different situation). Things healed a few months later. Things got back to normal rather quickly.

    Hang in there!

    ETA: When I say a few months, I meant 3-4. Things were fine well before 9 months.
  • Thanks for your answers.  And STARMOON44 it is my daughter-in-law not my daughter.  I am not the one that is upset.   I was only  trying to find out if anyone else had had a similar situation and a solution to try to resolve it as I had stated before that we had been a close family before this happened.  
    .  
    And yes jacques27 they had already gotten a dress for her.  That was when they were informed she was in the wedding.  When the B&G were asked more than a few times about anything happening with the wedding the reply was always "we will let you know" and letting us know was a few weeks before the wedding.

    I myself thought it was a beautiful wedding and wish nothing but the best for them.  


    You and your daughter in law should get a life then. There's nothing to resolve. You can still be close. Just let it go.
  • I agree that the B&G were very rude with what they did. 

    But there is nothing you can do about this OP. The B&G and parents of the child involved need to deal with this openly and bury the hatchet, not continue to hold grudges. 
  • It's beyond me why this couple just couldn't be straightforward about it.  Geez.  Very immature. 
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