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Bridesmaids financial responsibilities

woodtdmwoodtdm member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I am getting married in September 2016, but I am a bridesmaid for a wedding taking place in May. I am having a hard time with all the bride's financial obligations.

I was fully expecting to pay for my dress, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, but she has now obligated her seven bridesmaids to pay for virtually everything.

We are responsible for our dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, our brooch bouquets, gifts for the stag and doe, the bridal party room reservations, the bachelorette party event (which includes an overnight stay at a hotel). She is also requesting the rehersal dinner be held at one of our houses.

This seems excessive. Am I just overreacting?
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Re: Bridesmaids financial responsibilities

  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Eeesh, she sounds like a peach. I agree with the pp's - run!

    Side question american ladies: what is a stag and doe?
                 
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    woodtdm said:
    I am getting married in September 2016, but I am a bridesmaid for a wedding taking place in May. I am having a hard time with all the bride's financial obligations. I was fully expecting to pay for my dress, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, but she has now obligated her seven bridesmaids to pay for virtually everything. We are responsible for our dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, our brooch bouquets, gifts for the stag and doe, the bridal party room reservations, the bachelorette party event (which includes an overnight stay at a hotel). She is also requesting the rehersal dinner be held at one of our houses. This seems excessive. Am I just overreacting?
    This is insane. What's the ballpark on what all of this will cost you? I'm with the PP-- head for the hills on this one.

    Take her as an example of what not to do and you and all of your BP will be sure to have a great day when you get married.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Big fat no.   I'd probably BTFO of that hot mess. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    glasgowtolondon said:
    Eeesh, she sounds like a peach. I agree with the pp's - run! Side question american ladies: what is a stag and doe?
    Basically a wedding fundraiser.  It is a big party where guests (anyone, even randos, not just wedding guests) buy tickets to attend.  There are raffles and games and drinks and food, but everything costs those attending money.  So in the end couple getting married has made a chunk of change that they then use to pay for their wedding.

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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Yes, it's excessive, and no, you are by no means overreacting.  I have never even heard of BMs being asked to pay for their own bouquets.

    This is more like extortion than any sort of honor.  Decline, decline, decline.  To paraphrase the new Dear Prudence, decline like you are a Bridezilla -declining machine whose only function is to refuse unnecessary, excessive  financial demands.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ughhhhh....she's probably the type to get hung up on equal sides and shit too. Don't let her guilt you. She's being BSC.

    Keep us updated on how it goes, and the wedding.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    woodtdm said:
    I am getting married in September 2016, but I am a bridesmaid for a wedding taking place in May. I am having a hard time with all the bride's financial obligations. I was fully expecting to pay for my dress, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, but she has now obligated her seven bridesmaids to pay for virtually everything. We are responsible for our dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, our brooch bouquets, gifts for the stag and doe, the bridal party room reservations, the bachelorette party event (which includes an overnight stay at a hotel). She is also requesting the rehersal dinner be held at one of our houses. This seems excessive. Am I just overreacting?


    Oh, hell no!

    Did you push back on any of this? what did the other BMs say?

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Maggie0829 said:


    glasgowtolondon said:

    Eeesh, she sounds like a peach. I agree with the pp's - run!

    Side question american ladies: what is a stag and doe?

    Basically a wedding fundraiser.  It is a big party where guests (anyone, even randos, not just wedding guests) buy tickets to attend.  There are raffles and games and drinks and food, but everything costs those attending money.  So in the end couple getting married has made a chunk of change that they then use to pay for their wedding.


    ----------

    Gross!!!

    Ah, I've heard this referred to as a jack and jill so hoped a stag and doe might something else.
                 
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  • TrixieJessTrixieJess member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    glasgowtolondon said:

    Eeesh, she sounds like a peach. I agree with the pp's - run!

    Side question american ladies: what is a stag and doe?

    They are "regional" and tacky as crap. Usually people who aren't invited to the wedding are invited to these. They are an etiquette disaster.
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  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    adk19 said:
    woodtdm said:
    I am getting married in September 2016, but I am a bridesmaid for a wedding taking place in May. I am having a hard time with all the bride's financial obligations. I was fully expecting to pay for my dress, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, but she has now obligated her seven bridesmaids to pay for virtually everything. We are responsible for our dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, our brooch bouquets, gifts for the stag and doe, the bridal party room reservations, the bachelorette party event (which includes an overnight stay at a hotel). She is also requesting the rehersal dinner be held at one of our houses. This seems excessive. Am I just overreacting?
    If you don't want to run, tell her you can't pay for all that.  Tell her you'll buy the dress, but you'll be wearing a pair of shoes out of your closet and will do your own makeup and hair.  You will NOT be purchasing or making a brooch bouquet, so if that's important to her, she'll have to loan you one.  You will not be attending either the stag and doe or the bachelorette party and cannot host a rehearsal dinner.  You'll pay for your own personal hotel room if you need to stay nearby for the evening of the wedding, but you will be staying there with your own fiance and not with anybody else.  

    After you tell the bride all this, if she doesn't kick you out, the other bridesmaids will probably thank you greatly for getting them off the hook too.
    ^This.  She sucks.  Yes, this is excessive.  

    As a PP said, the dress is expected to be your responsibility, but only if she's taken your budget into consideration.  Shoes, hair and makeup are on you as well, but only if she's not forcing you to buy certain shoes or requiring you to get your H/MU done.  Hotel is on you if you need one, but on your own terms, not hers.

    I LOL'ed at the brooch bouquet.  That is insane.  Fuck the stag and doe.  They are apparently in so over their heads budget-wise that they can't pay for their own wedding, but are expecting you to shell out all this money for it?  NEWP.  Bach party is paid for by the hosts (often the BMs, but not always), within the budget the collective hosts set.  This is not dictated by the bride.  It is also not a mandatory event for anyone.  NEWP to hosting her rehearsal dinner.  I would consider doing that for a close friend as a way to help them out if I could, but only for a friend who would never ask me for anything.  I wouldn't be offering this girl shit.

    OP, has she always been a demanding person (aka you could have seen this coming from her), or is this wedding making her crazy?  Either way, I'd follow adk's advice. 


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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    woodtdm said:

    I am getting married in September 2016, but I am a bridesmaid for a wedding taking place in May. I am having a hard time with all the bride's financial obligations.

    I was fully expecting to pay for my dress, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, but she has now obligated her seven bridesmaids to pay for virtually everything.

    We are responsible for our dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, our brooch bouquets, gifts for the stag and doe, the bridal party room reservations, the bachelorette party event (which includes an overnight stay at a hotel). She is also requesting the rehersal dinner be held at one of our houses.

    This seems excessive. Am I just overreacting?

    Not even close.

    It sounds to me like the bridesmaids need to have a come-to-Jesus with the bride(zilla) here and say, "We will pay for our dresses, but if you want to specify our hairstyles, makeup, and accessories, you will have to assume responsibility for the costs of those items. And that's where our responsibilities as bridesmaids end. We are not open to any further demands on our dimes or our time."
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  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    What @adk19 said.

    You need to be clear with your friend about what you are willing or not willing to pay for, and if you are willing to pay for something, what YOUR budget is.

    The only requirement of you is to show up the day of with the agreed upon dress. Yes, hair and make up may be "up to you", but that also means you are free to do your own! Yes, you would be responsible for your own hotel stay for the wedding, if needed, but it's up to you where you stay.

    As for the bacch party- that is offered by someone, according to their budget and what they are willing to host. The bride does not demand this. 

    Just no to the RD- that is alllllllll on the B&G. 

    So, I'd push back and tell her what you are willing to do/pay for, or step down (or both, if she won't see reason). 
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  • woodtdmwoodtdm member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    It ended up paying for her reception hall and we ended up doing all the work.

    She had the nerve to post on social media how much was made and then solicit additional funds for her honeymoon fund.
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  • woodtdmwoodtdm member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    There was a lot of push back by everyone. She says she understands then talks the other maids into what she wants. I think I'm just going now out. She's too much.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    woodtdm said:
    It ended up paying for her reception hall and we ended up doing all the work. She had the nerve to post on social media how much was made and then solicit additional funds for her honeymoon fund.
    I can't.  Run far away.  Far, far away.  I'd also be re-evaluating my friendship with someone who thought it was okay to solicit money from friends, demand her WP pay and work for her own fucking wedding, and then post about it on social media.  


    image
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  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    woodtdm said:
    It ended up paying for her reception hall and we ended up doing all the work. She had the nerve to post on social media how much was made and then solicit additional funds for her honeymoon fund.
    She sounds like a greedy sow, run away from this before she tries to pull more money out of your bank account to pay for things she wants.
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  • IamnowmrsjmsIamnowmrsjms member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    woodtdm said:
    It ended up paying for her reception hall and we ended up doing all the work. She had the nerve to post on social media how much was made and then solicit additional funds for her honeymoon fund.
    I'm confused.  I thought the wedding was upcoming in May?
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    woodtdm said:
    I am getting married in September 2016, but I am a bridesmaid for a wedding taking place in May. I am having a hard time with all the bride's financial obligations. I was fully expecting to pay for my dress, a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, but she has now obligated her seven bridesmaids to pay for virtually everything. We are responsible for our dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, our brooch bouquets, gifts for the stag and doe, the bridal party room reservations, the bachelorette party event (which includes an overnight stay at a hotel). She is also requesting the rehersal dinner be held at one of our houses. This seems excessive. Am I just overreacting?
    Everything I have highlighted should be paid for by the bride, or it is optional.  You are not obligated to attend any events except the rehearsal and the ceremony and reception.  You do need to pay for your dress,  If the bride is requiring a certain hairstyle and makeup, then SHE pays for it.  Otherwise, you can do your own.  Specific shoes - ditto.
    Stag and Doe parties are generally considered to be rude, especially if they involve fund raising in any way.
    I think you need to tell the bride that you cannot meet her expectations, and politely remove yourself from this horror of a wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Yea - time for a heart to checkbook reality talk with the bride.  I'd opt out or ask about a different role soon...  Maybe "Guest Book Attendant", or "Do a reading!" (preferably a "cold reading" that reminds her she's being a cheapskate)...  But step down "it's not you, it's me, I just can't afford to swing the Wedding Fundraiser (stag/doe), the hotel for the bach, and especially the bouquet."  Sorry, there's no requirement for there to be flowers of any type (fake, real, silk, toilet paper, tissue, weeds, roses, etc.) and that is IMO the tipping point combined with the bridal party room (Bach and hotel for the wedding are "suck it up" but not when "you're required to stay here for $$$ more than the hotel up the road" - that's her responsibility and if it's at the hotel in question, should be a "Comp Room".  If anything, she needs some budgeting realities, you're not responsible for paying for optional items for the wedding.  All that to say - you're not overreacting for much of that list (Dress, shoes, hair, make-up, bach, and shower gift - normal...  The rest on top NO!)
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    woodtdm said:

    Thanks to everyone! I have officially stepped down as of this morning. She decided to send an long winded email on how she doesn't feel like she is getting the support she needs and has to constantly follow up with everyone one everything that she is asking. I wasn't even nice about it. I feel kind of bad but also extremely relieved. Unfortunately she is a cousin and I am awaiting the backlash.

    Good for you! I'm glad you were able to take care of it quickly!
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