Second Weddings

Wording help

edited January 2016 in Second Weddings
I am getting married in August and it is both my fiance's and my second marriage. I didn't have a first wedding, he had a HUGE $40,000 affair for his. We are keeping it low key Saturday afternoon lunch reception, just family and the wedding party for like 100 people. I have tried to include his sister but she has decided that it's a second wedding and we shouldn't have ANYTHING. She also thinks since we are doing a honey fund that we are only having the wedding for gifts. Not true since my father is 72 with cancer and never walked me down the aisle so the wedding is for ME.

To that end, sis-in-law convinced father-in-law that he should tell fiance not to invite his out of town family. Which has really hurt my fiance.

My fiance wants to invite them, and feels it will hurt their feelings if we don't. Our compromise position is to include his family in the save the date cards and put some kind of wording on the back letting his family know that we are simply letting them know he is getting married, that they are welcome if they want to come, but don't need too and gifts are not necessary.

Could you help me with some wording for this.. I am an author so I tend to be REALLY bad about this stuff :(

And the stuff about sis-inlaw was because I needed to vent we've all been there :)

Re: Wording help

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 2016
    Duplicate. My response is below.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 2016
    First, none of this is up to your SIL.

    Second, lose the honeyfund. Not only is it rude for you to ask for cash, but those "honeyfunds" don't register you for airfare, hotels, activities, or anything connected with a honeymoon (and those expenses are your responsibility, not your guests'. If you can't afford to pay for your honeymoon, save up your own funds and wait until you have enough to go). All a honeyfund is is some organization collecting the donations while helping themselves to a cut and writing you a check for the difference. Guests who want to give you cash gifts can do so directly without giving any to a honeyfund.

    Third, if I got an invitation or a save-the-date with a "you don't have to come or give us a gift if you don't want to" message, I would feel like you don't want me to come. This message feels like a slap across the face, not a gracious "out," because it comes across, regardless of your motives, like you don't really want "the honor of my presence" or the "pleasure of my company" and think I would only accept out of a sense of obligation, not out of a genuine desire to attend your happy occasion for your sake. I am capable of, and prefer, to decide for myself whether I not I will attend your wedding and whether or not doing whatever is necessary to make that happen is too much of a burden for me-not have it decided for me by the couple and/or hosts.

    As for "they don't have to give you gifts," you're right. They don't. It's not up to you whether or not you get gifts, and it's rude to mention them in any way in invitations and save-the-dates.
    STARMOON44adk19
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited January 2016
    Honeyfunds = rude.  Just don't register for gifts.  You will probably get checks as gifts.  Plan the honeymoon you can afford.
    The guest list is up to you and your FI.  Unless they are paying for your wedding, nobody else gets to choose your guests.  NOBODY!
    Here is the wording for your invitation:


    The pleasure of your company is requested
    at the marriage of
    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    Saturday, the thirteenth of August
    two thousand sixteen
    at one o'clock
    Venue Name
    123 Main Street
    Town, State

    Reception to follow


    If you are having a church wedding, then you use, "The honour of your presence is requested".  If the reception is somewhere else, then you put in a separate reception card, giving the location and time information.

    Save the Date cards are completely unnecessary!  You simply send out invitations to every one who is invited about 8 weeks before your wedding.
    The one cautionary rule is that you MUST send an invitation to everyone who receives an STD.  I wouldn't send them at all.  If you do decide to use them, send them only to the out of town guests and VIPs to give them a chance to plan their travel.

     SAVE THE DATE!
    Jane and John are getting married!
    August 13, 2016
    Town, State

    Formal invitation to follow!


    No response is required to an STD.  It is simply a notice that you will send them an invitation at a later date.  If you have a wedding website, you may include that on your STD, but no mention of gifts or (Ugh!) honeyfunds.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    lc07
  • HeffalumpHeffalump
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited January 2016

    My fiance wants to invite them, and feels it will hurt their feelings if we don't. Our compromise position is to include his family in the save the date cards and put some kind of wording on the back letting his family know that we are simply letting them know he is getting married, that they are welcome if they want to come, but don't need too and gifts are not necessary.

    Sending an invite and saying "we're just keeping you in the loop, you don't need to actually show up" is a) unnecessary, because nobody needs to attend (except the couple), and b) it comes off as insincere, as if their invitation is just a formality and you don't care if they show up, which could cause hurt feelings.

    Go with @CMGragain 's wording, above.
    STARMOON44InLoveInQueensadk19lc07
  • Is this for the after reception pool party for people that aren't invited to the wedding?

    If so you and your FI need to reevaulate your wedding and start from scratch. I'm assuming since this is a second marriage for both of you are are old enough to plan a nice wedding ceremony and recetion without tiering it or involving his family in creating a guest list.It doesn't matter how much he spent on his last wedding, unless this is a bone of contention in your relationship...which it seems like it may be.


  • Wow... ok forget I asked. Jeesh. I sort of feel attacked by all of that.

    1) It isn't a bone of contention for me but it what his father and sister are using to justify the reasoning for not inviting his family

    2) I happen to know that something like Honeyfund is perfectly acceptable etiquette wise because my aunt, the etiquette expert (like the only person who knows more etiquette than her is Emily Post) suggested it.

    3)You aren't asking for money with a Honeyfund you are asking for them to contribute to things for you to do and HOneyfund doesn't get a cut.

    4) Inixon8 - That was an old question and we aren't having that party so that was a BIT uncalled for.

    I came here for help and got totally discouraged.... I mean we need to reevaluate everything... seriously....

     perhaps you folks need to look at how you speak to people.

    wellnowrodigsorange
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member

    Wow... ok forget I asked. Jeesh. I sort of feel attacked by all of that.

    1) It isn't a bone of contention for me but it what his father and sister are using to justify the reasoning for not inviting his family

    2) I happen to know that something like Honeyfund is perfectly acceptable etiquette wise because my aunt, the etiquette expert (like the only person who knows more etiquette than her is Emily Post) suggested it.

    3)You aren't asking for money with a Honeyfund you are asking for them to contribute to things for you to do and HOneyfund doesn't get a cut.

    4) Inixon8 - That was an old question and we aren't having that party so that was a BIT uncalled for.

    I came here for help and got totally discouraged.... I mean we need to reevaluate everything... seriously....

     perhaps you folks need to look at how you speak to people.

    First bolded.  Seriously?  We are disagreeing with you, not attacking you.

    Second bolded.  Sorry but your Aunt is wrong.  Honeyfunds are rude.  Honeyfunds are a "sweet" way of asking for cash.  Asking for money in anyway is rude.  So I think your Aunt needs to stop thinking she is an etiquette expert.

    And yes you are asking for money through a Honeyfund (hence the word fund...you are asking people to fund your honeymoon with their own money). Because that is what you get.  You get a check in the mail.  You don't get that fun swimming with the dolphins excursion or that romantic dinner on the beach.  All you get is a check.  People know that money is a good gift.  That don't need some cutesy registry to tell them that.

    And we are helping you.  You just aren't happy with our answers.  No one was rude to you.  People gave you blunt advice.  Sorry but many of us don't sugar coat things.  If you are doing something that can be seen as rude we are going to tell you.

    STARMOON44InLoveInQueensadk19lc07
  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    edited January 2016
    To your point that Honeyfund is free, I'm sorry to tell you that you need to do some more research. From their site:

    "2. You may accept online payments from your gift givers via our integrated credit card solution powered by WePay (US only), or via your own PayPal account.

    WePay fees: 2.8% + $0.30
    PayPal fees: 2.8% + $0.30/transaction*. Learn more and sign up."

    Either they get a cut directly, or Paypal gets a cut and they get kickbacks. Either way, you're getting $96.90 instead of the $100 you'd get from a check, and someone else is getting the other $3.10.

    From: http://www.honeyfund.com/honeymoon-registry?gclid=CKvAtrjIp8oCFQotHwodiRsBog

    Edited for typos
    InLoveInQueensadk19
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    To your point that Honeyfund is free, I'm sorry to tell you that you need to do some more research. From their site: "2. You may accept online payments from your gift givers via our integrated credit card solution powered by WePay (US only), or via your own PayPal account. WePay fees: 2.8% + $0.30 PayPal fees: 2.8% + $0.30/transaction*. Learn more and sign up." Either they get a cut directly, or Paypal gets a cut and they get kickbacks. Either way, you're getting $96.90 instead of the $100 you'd get from a check, and someone else is getting the other $3.10. From: http://www.honeyfund.com/honeymoon-registry?gclid=CKvAtrjIp8oCFQotHwodiRsBog Edited for typos
    I believe there is also an option to not have any money go through the interwebz but rather you post your list of things you want others to pay for and then the guest prints out a picture of the excursion and then puts that along with a check for the amount of the excursion into a card and gives it to you at your wedding.  How people can still say this is not asking for cash is beyond me.

    InLoveInQueensAdirondackBride2236adk19
  • Thank you drive through
  • Honeyfunds are very controversial.  If you didn't know this before, then you do now.
    The honeyfund takes a fee  for collecting money from your gift givers.  This is deceptive, since most people who use this option think that they are actually giving you an experience, such as a dinner or an excursion.
    Many people think that honeymoon registries are fine.  Many more think that they are rude and tacky.  I guarantee that some of your guests will fall into the latter category.  Do you want to risk this?
    Many brides do not have a big honeymoon.  I was one of them.  Expensive honeymoons are a modern trend, but are not required.
    It all boils down to your guests.  If you say to your guests "We only want cash as a gift," then it is rude.  Many people think honeyfunds are exactly this.  Your first consideration is treating your guests with respect and gratitude for coming to your wedding.
    No one knows all the answers about modern etiquette.  It changes too fast.  Only a few years ago, Save the Dates were unheard of; now they are common.  In 1947, tuxedos were forbidden at weddings; now they are seen at many evening weddings.
    Honeyfunds are very new.  Maybe someday they will be universally accepted, but at this time they are new and very controversial.  If you do care about your guests and good manners, (Honestly, from your last response, you do sound like a rude person.) then you will not do a honeymoon fund.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    AdirondackBride2236adk19
  • Wow... ok forget I asked. Jeesh. I sort of feel attacked by all of that.

    1) It isn't a bone of contention for me but it what his father and sister are using to justify the reasoning for not inviting his family

    2) I happen to know that something like Honeyfund is perfectly acceptable etiquette wise because my aunt, the etiquette expert (like the only person who knows more etiquette than her is Emily Post) suggested it.

    3)You aren't asking for money with a Honeyfund you are asking for them to contribute to things for you to do and HOneyfund doesn't get a cut.

    4) Inixon8 - That was an old question and we aren't having that party so that was a BIT uncalled for.

    I came here for help and got totally discouraged.... I mean we need to reevaluate everything... seriously....

     perhaps you folks need to look at how you speak to people.

    3.And how are these people "contributing"? With money of course!

    8. You stopped responding in that thread so I assumed you were still doing that. That's why I said you need to start from scratch. My response was not uncalled for because I asked if that was still your plan.

    I have great relationships with friends family coworkers my high school students and their families because I know how to speak to people. You posted on an online forum looking for us to validate your rude ideas. 


  • "I happen to know that something like Honeyfund is perfectly acceptable etiquette wise because my aunt, the etiquette expert (like the only person who knows more etiquette than her is Emily Post) suggested it. "

    FYI, Emily Post died in 1960.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    adk19
  • If you don't want his family to think this is a rude tacky gift grab, don't have a honey fund. Pretty easy.
    InLoveInQueensAdirondackBride2236adk19
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