BM and MOH Fashion Advice

collegechic

Because, as I already said, I AM NOT FORCING THEM. They don't normally like wearing jewlery because they lose it very easily. But they DON'T CARE about making a sacrifice for a day, especially since it's only simple jewlery for a day that they don't even have to buy and I'm not asking them to abandon their morals or change their religion!

I've actually bought jewlery from there before and I don't think I'm throwing my money away in any garbage. Something cheap doesn't always have to look cheap, and if you take care of it it doesn't have to break like it's cheap either.

I really would rather not continue arguing about this. Unless you all have personally spoken to my friends, which I have extensively before making ANY decision, you really don't have any idea if I'm actually forcing them to do anything. It's one day among 365, I don't think I'm being too demanding. ESPECIALLY given that I've spoken with them and they WANT to do it.

I don't think I've missed any point, but rather I personally feel that you are missing the point by presuming that you know anything about my friendships and their dynamics. I can assure you that not a single one of them feels forced or demeaned in any way.

lachattefatale

Knottie15770957 said:

I have two friends who don't like wearing jewlery in the bridal party and at least one without pierced ears. For them, I'm loaning them my jewlery so they don't have to wear something they won't wear ever again. For my friend who doesn't have piercings, I offered to lend her one of my ear cuffs in case she wants to wear something there but she doesn't have to. For everyone else, they wouldn't be spending exorbitant amounts of money (I'm talking like, bracelets from places like Icing or Claires, cheap stuff that looks nice and can be worn again), and besides that they WANT to do it. So you see @charlotte989875 , I'm not forcing anyone to spend money on useless expensive stuff or wear things they don't want.

Loaning. Not forcing anyone. The jewelry decision is for everyone else. It sounds like a pretty sizable bridal party.

Personally, one of my bridesmaids doesn't wear much jewelry ever, but expressed an interest in earrings (which is what she does where when she wears any, rarely) and a bracelet and maybe a brooch. My other bridesmaid wears jewelry all the time. I bought them both earrings, bracelets, and brooches. I don't care if they ever wear them again; I didn't break the bank on it, and they both wanted a little sparkle with their bridesmaid dresses.

MobKaz

lachattefatale said:

Knottie15770957 said:

I have two friends who don't like wearing jewlery in the bridal party and at least one without pierced ears. For them, I'm loaning them my jewlery so they don't have to wear something they won't wear ever again. For my friend who doesn't have piercings, I offered to lend her one of my ear cuffs in case she wants to wear something there but she doesn't have to. For everyone else, they wouldn't be spending exorbitant amounts of money (I'm talking like, bracelets from places like Icing or Claires, cheap stuff that looks nice and can be worn again), and besides that they WANT to do it. So you see @charlotte989875 , I'm not forcing anyone to spend money on useless expensive stuff or wear things they don't want.

Loaning. Not forcing anyone. The jewelry decision is for everyone else. It sounds like a pretty sizable bridal party.

Personally, one of my bridesmaids doesn't wear much jewelry ever, but expressed an interest in earrings (which is what she does where when she wears any, rarely) and a bracelet and maybe a brooch. My other bridesmaid wears jewelry all the time. I bought them both earrings, bracelets, and brooches. I don't care if they ever wear them again; I didn't break the bank on it, and they both wanted a little sparkle with their bridesmaid dresses.

If I do not like wearing jewelry, I will still not like wearing it whether it is loaned, or purchased for me.  That is pressuring, or forcing me, to wear something I typically do not wear. 

There is a thread going on regarding a bride demanding her wedding party wear 5 inch heels.  I don't wear heels of any height.  I don't own heels.  So, are you saying, @lachattefatale and @Knottie15770957, that I would have to wear those heels as long as they were loaned from you or purchased by you?

Whenever a bride demands that their FRIENDS wear something they typically choose not to, I always wonder why such a micromanaging, minuscule detail is SO earth shattering important. 

collegechic

Did you personally talk to my friends @MobKaz ? No? So then you have absolutely no idea how I brought that up to them, what their feelings are, or anything about anything in this regard. As I said, they don't wear jewlery because it doesn't fit into their lives not because they hate it. One of them constantly loses jewlery and the other is a nurse. They don't like buying jewlery or when jewlery is bought for them so I offered to loan them some of mine for ONE DAY or that they could go bare and they said that the loan was fine.

Unless you have spoken to my bridal party personally you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Of course, you can keep on talking as that is your right. But that doesn't change the fact that you don't know me, you don't know my friends and family, and you are absolutely as to how that conversation went. And I have responded to you long enough, you're an absolute stranger and I by no means have to defend or explain myself to you.

Good day and congrats on your wedding.

wmam35

When I got married my BMs wore long navy gowns and I asked them to all wear silver shoes...didn't matter what kind, heels or no heels, didn't care.  When we got our pictures back, I realized that you couldn't see any of their shoes and I felt like a jerk for dictating their shoe colors, and I wish I could go back and tell them to wear whatever shoes they wanted.

MobKaz

Knottie15770957 said:

Did you personally talk to my friends @MobKaz ? No? So then you have absolutely no idea how I brought that up to them, what their feelings are, or anything about anything in this regard. As I said, they don't wear jewlery because it doesn't fit into their lives not because they hate it. One of them constantly loses jewlery and the other is a nurse. They don't like buying jewlery or when jewlery is bought for them so I offered to loan them some of mine for ONE DAY or that they could go bare and they said that the loan was fine. Unless you have spoken to my bridal party personally you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Of course, you can keep on talking as that is your right. But that doesn't change the fact that you don't know me, you don't know my friends and family, and you are absolutely as to how that conversation went. And I have responded to you long enough, you're an absolute stranger and I by no means have to defend or explain myself to you. Good day and congrats on your wedding.

You are correct.  I am an absolute stranger.  YOU are the one that posted on an anonymous, stranger filled internet forum seeking advice from......strangers.  I offered mine.  No one is forcing you to respond to any of my posts.

What has been said time and time again, however, is that the beauty of asking strangers a question is that they will often say to you what your friends won't, for fear of hurting your feelings.  I don't need to speak personally to your bridal party.  The boards and posts have reinforced time and time again that most family and friends will not say how they truly feel because they don't want to hurt your feelings.  We know that because those friends and family that kept their opinions to themselves post threads on these boards expressing how they wish they could have felt comfortable enough to speak up.  Also, we can only respond to what you provide us.  You said you told your friends they  "could go bare" if they so choose.  Why don't you see what happens if the issue of jewelry is no longer mentioned.

You asked the question about how to accessorize the dresses.  You asked the question regarding shoe style and color.  I offered my opinion that both of these issues are not issues at all.  My suggestion was and is to allow your friends to accessorize in the way THEY see fit per their own personal style and comfort.

There is a block/ignore feature that you can select.

ETA:  @wmam35 said, " I wish I could go back and tell them to wear whatever shoes they wanted."  I wish you, OP, could see the scores of threads from brides that say the same thing in hindsight regarding SO many things they thought was important at the time.

charlotte989875

@MobKaz is right here that just because they have said they'll wear whatever you ask/tell them too doesn't mean they won't prefer to style themselves. They're adults, with different styles, why is it so important for you to tell them not just how to dress, but what jewelry and shows to wear as well? This is one thing I will never understand about weddings; why is it that on this particular day it's ok to tell someone you care about what to do?!

I asked my bridesmaids to wear long navy dresses of their choosing and honestly I now feel pretty silly even doing that. I wish I had just said wear any long dress that you feel beautiful in.

Look, take out advice or don't; doesn't affect our lives. Just know your friends will appreciate it far more if you just let them wear what they feel comfortable wearing.

collegechic

I would like to clarify that I never make a BM decision without consulting with them, and I provide them options. I'm not sure if that was lost in translation here somewhere or something. I'm not forcing them or mandating anything except dress (they collectively chose shoe color, I didn't tell them anything about it except recommend comfortable brands). For jewlery the only thing I requested, if they choose to wear any at all, is that they be silver or gray or something in that family. I did not tell them "this is the bracelet you're wearing nowith buy it".

On them just wearing whatever, without even a guiding color, there are 10 of them. That'd be more than just a hot mess. Even with the dress selection, they took part in that completely.

I hope this clears up the possible miscommunications I think I'm seeing, because a lot of people here seem to think I'm "mandating" or "forcing" everything upon them.

GlamQueenBride

Another thread, another argument about something totally absurd. The OP has already said, multiple times, that she is not forcing anyone to wear anything. Seems like someone was ready to pounce for an argument from the first post in this thread. Just my opinion.

kimmiinthemitten

In all fairness, this thread is running concurrent with a lot of BSC attire type posts, so while this is overall pretty minute, I think it got a bigger reaction because people are also responding to brides who are forcing 5" heels on their maids, brides who don't want their friends to get their hair done at other places, and even one whose mad her sister has the audacity to attempt conception between now and their big day.

Overall, I think the points trying to be made here are 1. BM jewelry will have no factor on the outcome of the day/photos/anything so why bother caring and 2.  the best way to honor your BM is to let them dress and or accessorize themselves in the way they are most comfortable.  

And Knottie #'s, we can only comment on what you say, and if you take a step back, you'll see that your first post did make it sound like you chose their dresses and now want to choose their shoes and accessories.  When people asked, you were very defensive and everything took off from there.  Stay, lurk.   You seem nice and you have tons of time between now and your wedding.

MobKaz

kimmiinthemitten said:

In all fairness, this thread is running concurrent with a lot of BSC attire type posts, so while this is overall pretty minute, I think it got a bigger reaction because people are also responding to brides who are forcing 5" heels on their maids, brides who don't want their friends to get their hair done at other places, and even one whose mad her sister has the audacity to attempt conception between now and their big day.

Overall, I think the points trying to be made here are 1. BM jewelry will have no factor on the outcome of the day/photos/anything so why bother caring and 2.  the best way to honor your BM is to let them dress and or accessorize themselves in the way they are most comfortable.  

And Knottie #'s, we can only comment on what you say, and if you take a step back, you'll see that your first post did make it sound like you chose their dresses and now want to choose their shoes and accessories.  When people asked, you were very defensive and everything took off from there.  Stay, lurk.   You seem nice and you have tons of time between now and your wedding.

This is part of the issue, I believe.  In another thread, OP states that her wedding is not until the END of NEXT year.  I interpret "the end of next year" to mean December, 2017.  That is WAY to soon to have a bridal party selected, let alone dresses, shoes, and jewelry.  I think this is a prime example of bride in over-drive.  So much can change between now and then.  So much!

collegechic

Yes, I did see those threads after lurking about @kimmiinthemitten and it was really weird to me that a bride would actually dictate the heel as such a problem! The only thing that ended up being done with me and shoes was that they decided they wanted black shoes and told them go forth! I also provided them options for the jewlery, my original intent with this thread was the find style advice for the girls who did want jewlery - which all of them do - so to be part of the conversation. I never meant to come across as controlling to the that extent. They've been part of every decision regarding them every step of the way.

And @MobKaz I do have my reasons for starting this early and they are financial ones. Every aspect of my wedding is on a payment plan, and this way we can do a bit more with our budget than waiting for only the year of. If we went into the year of without a budget, we'd only be able to do a Courthouse wedding with our immediate family and dinner together as the reception, which is not what my fiancé nor I wanted. This way, we can chip in now and still be able to have the kind of wedding we have dreamed for, and depending on my parents was not possible since they have put themselves in financial struggle helping not only put me through college but also being sole care takers of my maternal grandmother who has dementia and Alzheimer's. Not everyone has to stick to strict 6-8 timelines, though of course there are some things such as the invites and florist and invites that will be saved for their recommended timeline. Everyone has their own reasons for doing things. We wanted to do the wedding this year but finances and other circumstances I do not wish to go into pushed it back. If you're saying that friendships that have existed for more than 10 years and have remained strong can change I will not argue that it's not possible, it is its just highly unlikely. Changes can be dealt with as they come. Planning it this way was what was decided to be right for us as a couple, by the both of us and my parents. My head is planted firmly on my shoulders.

lyndausvi

I can NOT wear cheap earrings.  My ears start hurting within minutes.  I'm in tears within a half hour.    I don't care who is asking I WILL NOT wear earring given to me by a bride unless I know for a fact they are 18K posts.        

 For that reason I let my BM pick their own jewelry (or none at all if they had chosen).     Looking back I liked that even thought they all had the same dress, their own personalities came through with picking their own accessories.   

There are a lot of things to worry about when planning a wedding.  Shoes and jewelry of your BM's should not be one of them.  Take it off your plate and put it on the BM's.  They are adults and should be able to figure it out on their own.  

collegechic

@lyndausvi have you tried dipping them in Neosporin? I have the same problem with earrings but I can't always buy the hypoallergenic ones.

Also, I did say previously (though maybe not quite clearly enough lolz, its hard to get everything communicated straight through text and not in person) that they are picking their jewlery and even if they wanted to wear any. I merely sought ideas to bring to the table of discussion because weveryone tend to do all of our shopping together, even for the ones who are out of state we share links and stuff to stores so everyone is involved. I think that's a subtle and fun way to do that too.

MobKaz

Knottie15770957 said:

Yes, I did see those threads after lurking about @kimmiinthemitten and it was really weird to me that a bride would actually dictate the heel as such a problem! The only thing that ended up being done with me and shoes was that they decided they wanted black shoes and told them go forth! I also provided them options for the jewlery, my original intent with this thread was the find style advice for the girls who did want jewlery - which all of them do - so to be part of the conversation. I never meant to come across as controlling to the that extent. They've been part of every decision regarding them every step of the way. And @MobKaz I do have my reasons for starting this early and they are financial ones. Every aspect of my wedding is on a payment plan, and this way we can do a bit more with our budget than waiting for only the year of. If we went into the year of without a budget, we'd only be able to do a Courthouse wedding with our immediate family and dinner together as the reception, which is not what my fiancé nor I wanted. This way, we can chip in now and still be able to have the kind of wedding we have dreamed for, and depending on my parents was not possible since they have put themselves in financial struggle helping not only put me through college but also being sole care takers of my maternal grandmother who has dementia and Alzheimer's. Not everyone has to stick to strict 6-8 timelines, though of course there are some things such as the invites and florist and invites that will be saved for their recommended timeline. Everyone has their own reasons for doing things. We wanted to do the wedding this year but finances and other circumstances I do not wish to go into pushed it back. If you're saying that friendships that have existed for more than 10 years and have remained strong can change I will not argue that it's not possible, it is its just highly unlikely. Changes can be dealt with as they come. Planning it this way was what was decided to be right for us as a couple, by the both of us and my parents. My head is planted firmly on my shoulders.

Please understand.  I, nor most other posters, do not comment with the intent of harassing you, angering you, or chastising you.  But we have seen and heard it ALL.  I appreciate you continuing to return to your post to explain, elaborate, and clarify your specific situation and circumstance.  I would encourage you to create a SN to distinguish yourself from the scores of other Knottie #'s.  It is easier to "get to know you" in that way.

I fully understand what you are saying about budgeting.  However, so much can change in 2 years time.  When my daughter first became engaged, she put the car into full throttle initially.   Within the first week she had what she thought would be her wedding theme, vision, and colors.  Those all changed within 3 months. 

If you continue to lurk, you will sadly read scores of posts from brides who say they regret doing many things too early, including asking friends to be in their wedding party.  Friendships hopefully will not change.  However, the lives of those friends can and will probably change dramatically over this time period.  These friends may marry, start families, relocate, change jobs, or experience other life altering events that no one can predict or anticipate.

It may seem financially prudent to make dress decisions now, but to order them is not practical.  You can put money aside for certain wedding components, but it doesn't mean you have to make hard decisions or purchases right now.  Just have the money set aside for when it is an appropriate time to actually make these purchases.

lyndausvi

Knottie15770957 said:

@lyndausvi have you tried dipping them in Neosporin? I have the same problem with earrings but I can't always buy the hypoallergenic ones. Also, I did say previously (though maybe not quite clearly enough lolz, its hard to get everything communicated straight through text and not in person) that they are picking their jewlery and even if they wanted to wear any. I merely sought ideas to bring to the table of discussion because weveryone tend to do all of our shopping together, even for the ones who are out of state we share links and stuff to stores so everyone is involved. I think that's a subtle and fun way to do that too.

No I haven't.   I'm allergic to most of the hypoallergenic ones too.    

I don't care about it too much any more to try either.  I pretty much stick to my classic diamond studs DH upgraded me to a few years ago.   Or one of my other few earrings I rotate.

I never saw my BM's jewelry or shoes until the day of.  Heck, I didn't see one of their dresses till the day off (she was pregnant and I told her to just pick a dress in the same color as the others).

So it's hard for me to wrap my head around micromanaging this kind of stuff.  I had other things to deal with.

collegechic

@MobKaz it's okay. I've been under a lot of stress and it caused me to get pretty defensive. This being my experience with something like this, I got really overwhelmed really quickly. I've tried figuring out how to do that but I can't find it! I feel stupid lolz, but I have been trying for 2 days now to change my profile picture and member name. XD

As far as the theme, I've known my theme ever since I was a little girl and so far I've not been the type to change lolz. I knew what I study in college very early on in high school and never changed, same with my Master's haha. I tend to be the type of person who knows what I want and go for it. What is a little nerve wracking is that distance you mentioned with my friends...there are two I'm worried about already because they're going to be teachers and may not be able to make things so I do kind of wish I had stuck to my absolutes... Most of them I don't see very often because we all live in different areas doing different things (my MOH lives in Maryland and I live in Florida now and haven't seen her in person since the 4th grade), but we all always make time for each other.

For the dresses, the salon I'm pretty sure I'm going to go with has a payment plan type of thing that I really like, where we can put a little bit towards the dresses (mine included) a bit at a time instead of all at once. We've tried starting a savings, but as fresh graduates (and given my family's financial situation) we have no idea when we'll have money and often the savings doesn't last because unexpected bills come up...so when we have $20 here or there we put it towards the thing itself (the venue for instance in this case) instead of attempting to save it. Our collective financial situation is just too unpredictable for saving...and we've been trying for a year. We've been engaged for a year without doing anything and this year we all just decided no more, it doesn't work for us. If it's there, we'll use it for bills and groceries or whatever else needs it (i.e. my health, I end up with a lot of medical expenses; or my grandmother).

collegechic

Ack...I'm sorry haha...that ended up really long and kinda reads like a pity party. I'm sorry! Didn't mean to get that personal and in depth aha...

lyndausvi

All my BM's were OOT.   A plane ride away at that (or I guess they could have sailed down to me in the islands).  We had limited shopping in the islands.  Few places even shipped to us.

By not micromanaging things like BM's shoes and jewelry  it was one less thing I had to worry about.     I didn't have e-party or a b-party.  All my BM's came to my shower (help back in the states), but if one or more couldn't.  So be it.  No big deal.  

I suggest just relaxing and not micromanage too much.  

collegechic

lyndausvi said:

All my BM's were OOT.   A plane ride away at that (or I guess they could have sailed down to me in the islands).  We had limited shopping in the islands.  Few places even shipped to us.

By not micromanaging things like BM's shoes and jewelry  it was one less thing I had to worry about.     I didn't have e-party or a b-party.  All my BM's came to my shower (help back in the states), but if one or more couldn't.  So be it.  No big deal.  

I suggest just relaxing and not micromanage too much.  

What does "OOT" mean? 

I'm not micromanaging their shoes or anything, there's ample stress around this wedding as it is haha.  I've very seriously considered eloping and just saying "to hell with it". XD

AddieCake

I have no idea what my bridesmaids' shoes or jewelry looked like.

MobKaz

collegechic said:

lyndausvi said:

All my BM's were OOT.   A plane ride away at that (or I guess they could have sailed down to me in the islands).  We had limited shopping in the islands.  Few places even shipped to us.

By not micromanaging things like BM's shoes and jewelry  it was one less thing I had to worry about.     I didn't have e-party or a b-party.  All my BM's came to my shower (help back in the states), but if one or more couldn't.  So be it.  No big deal.  

I suggest just relaxing and not micromanage too much.  

What does "OOT" mean? 

I'm not micromanaging their shoes or anything, there's ample stress around this wedding as it is haha.  I've very seriously considered eloping and just saying "to hell with it". XD

Well.........actually, I would dare say that making decisions regarding almost anything, but particularly shoes and jewelry, almost 2 YEARS prior to your wedding date is micromanaging.  Save your stress and energy for the items and issues that will really matter.

Good job on creating a SN.  OOT = out of town.  There is a page of frequently used acronyms in the FAQ section.  It doesn't cover all of them, but it's a good start.

collegechic

MobKaz said:

collegechic said:

lyndausvi said:

All my BM's were OOT.   A plane ride away at that (or I guess they could have sailed down to me in the islands).  We had limited shopping in the islands.  Few places even shipped to us.

By not micromanaging things like BM's shoes and jewelry  it was one less thing I had to worry about.     I didn't have e-party or a b-party.  All my BM's came to my shower (help back in the states), but if one or more couldn't.  So be it.  No big deal.  

I suggest just relaxing and not micromanage too much.  

What does "OOT" mean? 

I'm not micromanaging their shoes or anything, there's ample stress around this wedding as it is haha.  I've very seriously considered eloping and just saying "to hell with it". XD

Well.........actually, I would dare say that making decisions regarding almost anything, but particularly shoes and jewelry, almost 2 YEARS prior to your wedding date is micromanaging.  Save your stress and energy for the items and issues that will really matter.

Good job on creating a SN.  OOT = out of town.  There is a page of frequently used acronyms in the FAQ section.  It doesn't cover all of them, but it's a good start.


If we were making purchases right now regarding BM fashion, I would agree it's micromanagement (unless they made purchases now because they wanted to, which one almost did last year but we talked). But the plan we came up with is to continue discussing ideas now, and take advantage of after Christmas sales for anything they might need this year. I don't mind it because it helps remind me that we're still engaged lolz, a 3 year wait (I've already been engaged for a year in which the only reminder we had was the drama it created) was beginning to drive me nuts. So looking at little things like and creating a more solid plan was what the general decision was. Which included putting things that be on payment plans, etc. etc.

MobKaz

It is great to have plans and ideas.  Checking out price points and saving towards preferred items is prudent.  You do realize that the dresses you are currently considering, and (theoretically) accessorizing may not be available when it is time to order them, right?  It would make NO sense to order them much before 6 months out, since bodies and life changes can and will make a  difference.

collegechic

MobKaz said:

It is great to have plans and ideas.  Checking out price points and saving towards preferred items is prudent.  You do realize that the dresses you are currently considering, and (theoretically) accessorizing may not be available when it is time to order them, right?  It would make NO sense to order them much before 6 months out, since bodies and life changes can and will make a  difference.

That is something we discussed and that I considered, so for right now the dresses that have been "chosen" are the top pick that will be the BM and MOH dresses if they're still available.  The salon where my Mom and I saw them originally said they should have them for a while (which I realize is very tentative, so a lot of finger crossing and hoping!), so its a watching a waiting game until the time comes.