Etiquette

Bridesmaid Quit

So one of my bridesmaids and the rest of the wedding party got into it for the second time this month,and she backed out of the wedding...again. The first time I spoke with everyone involved and she agreed to return. It didn't last long, a second incident ensued and now forcing everyone to get along for the next 10 months would end up being a weekly thing and take away from the happiness of planning the wedding. So I agreed to accept her resignation. Part of her reasoning for going now vs trying to stick it out was it provides me with plenty of time to identify and ask a someone else without it being last min. Having been asked twice to be part of the BP after someone was unable to fulfill the commitment of a BM. I see no problem with this. The rest of the wedding party is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new BM even going as far as to provided suggestions. It wasn't till coming on this site and seeing the absolute disdain for brides who back-fill members of the wedding that i was confused. I guess I'm just trying to get some understanding as to why anyone who through their own wishes or actions would feel hurt about someone else being as to fulfill a requirement they couldn't, or why being asked as a "replacement" would make standing up for your friends or family any less special. It is any different then if she has said no from the beginning?
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Re: Bridesmaid Quit

  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    What do you think your bridal party is for?

    Anniversary

    adk19KnickerGold
  • If your wp don't get along there is literally no reason why the HAVE to even see each other until maybe a shower/batchelorette (but both are optional), and the wedding day itself. What are you expecting from these women that they need to see each other weekly?

    And yeah, I have serious disdain for people who 'replace' wp members. Like if someone was that important to you they would have been on the list in the first place. 'Its been done to me' is not a reason to perpetuate this shitty behaviour.
                 
    adk19
  • After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

    As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    The last wedding I was in,  I met one of the other bridesmaids for the first time at the rehearsal.   We had no need / opportunity to meet before that.   

    And replacements are not a good thing. 



    Anniversary
    charlotte989875PrettyGirlLost
  • I was a Maid of Honor in a friend's wedding. The rest of the bridal party knew each other and I did not know them.  I definitely wouldn't say there was drama (I don't even really get what that means) but I know I didn't feel welcomed by the group in a lot of ways.  We didn't have to spend much time together, and they weren't going to become my friends but it didn't matter because I was there for the bride.  How I felt about her BMs or how we got along did not matter.  Did I look forward to the time we all spent together - not really... but I was polite and it was over and the bride was happy that everyone who mattered to her was there and smiling for her.
    short+sassy
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    edited January 2016
    After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

    As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.
    The point should should have asked her in the first place.  Not as a backup.   

    For example, I asked my sister, BF, 2 SILs and 5 nieces.  At no time did I think, well if BF says no I will now ask another friend.   These are who I wanted and if they declined, I now have less BMs.

    Since you already have a group of girls who are already bonded, why insert another one into the group?   There simply is no need.

    Well unless we are talking about financials and everyone wants a extra person to split costs with.  Which is a poor excuse, since the BMs do not have to contribute to anything anyway.







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  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

    As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? They had met before at past events but were friends more to do lack of contact then any sort of animosity before the incidents, but this all came out of left field as they were coordinating for the bachelorett party. Outside of the one the rest of the BP has become a group of good friends not just with us but bonding with each other, helping out with each others families and getting together on weekends. So I don't see them as excited for someone else to annoy just for someone else to join the group.
    Seriously, why are you even getting involved?  You have no idea what is really happening.  I was the BM who didn't know anyone else once.  I got into it with the MOH.  I planned an entire bachelorette, as requested (from MOH herself, who was "too stressed to handle the planning") and then the MOH canceled it and didn't tell me.  I had put deposits down and everything.  Then, when I double checked with the bride that it was canceled after getting a group text about it two days later, the MOH tried to say I was "going behind her back," and that I "wasn't even really part of the WP anyways."  So, back off of your BMs business and planning.  You have no idea what is going on behind the scenes, and I honestly feel pretty bad for the BM you are so callously replacing.  

    And it's different because you make a list of your nearest and dearest, then you ask them.  You don't keep going down a line of names until you hit a magic number (even sides aren't a thing, btw).  I don't understand this bullshit about the WP being besties.  It's so stupid.  You have your friends, I have mine. I don't need your friends to become mine, but I will be polite when I see them. If a friendship blossoms, fantastic, if not, oh well.  If they turn into a clique and give me attitude, that's on them, not me.  Which is what happened in the WP I was in that I referenced.  The rest of the WP hung out all the time.  I was 1/2 close childhood friends who were asked to be in the WP.  Totally fine.  They all seemed like nice people...until they became awful people who went out of their way to treat me and my BFF (also in the WP as an old childhood BFF) poorly.  


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    Blue_Bird
  • OP, people's feelings on this site about replacing bridesmaids stem from people's feelings on this site about the role of bridesmaids in general.

    I believe that you ask someone to be a bridesmaid because they are your nearest and dearest and you want to honor them. I asked all the people I wanted to honor when I first decided on my bridal party, and if any of them had said no I would have seen no point in coming up with someone else to ask because I had already chosen what people I wanted to honor and asked them. My bridesmaids had virtually no interactions with each other through the whole wedding planning process, because again- they are not there to support or do anything for me, I've included them to honor them. They are also all mature adults, so even if they hadn't gotten along they would have been capable getting through a couple hours of being civil around one another.

    I get the impression this is not what a bridesmaid is to you. I don't think you are right to feel that way, but that's clearly how you feel and nothing is probably going to make you change your mind. This probably just isn't the community for you.
    Blue_Birdkimmiinthemittencowgirl8238PrettyGirlLost
  • After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop. But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to determine what to do next.

    Since my service as a "replacement" has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

    The Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

    I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.




  • This can't be real.  

    Why wouldn't you? PPs have told you exactly why you shouldn't. Because your WP should be people that you care deeply about, not a task force to make sure you get exactly what you want for everything ever. They also don't have to be besties, or even just friends.  Replacing one of your closest friends for the sake of numbers or a vision just seems...shallow and vapid. 

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  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited January 2016
    After what was said, im worried about seating them in the same venue just as guests much less making them play nice for a couple hours the day of as part of the BP.

    As far as WHY... why wouldn't I? I would have asked someone else if she said no to start. How is it different? 
    It's not different- you shouldn't do this either.

    When picking your WP, you think to yourself, "who are my nearest and dearest friends? The ones I couldn't imagine not having stand beside me on my wedding day?"

    Then you ask those people. There is no set number- you ask who you want. If this "replacement" friend is important enough for you to ask him/her to stand up for you, why didn't you ask this person in the first place?? That is my biggest point in all of this.

    And if this friend wasn't important enough to be asked in the first place- well then clearly they are being called to stand in as a prop.

    If your friend chose to remove herself from your WP, that's fine. That is her decision. But I don't understand WHY you need to replace her? Why do you need 5 vs. 4. vs. 3. vs. 2 BMs???? There is no number.

    I asked 3 women to be in my WP, all around the same time, one of them declined (due to finances and travel). I did not "go down the list" and pick a new friend. I simply had 2 women stand on my side in my WP. I still got married. Still friends with the woman who declined, still friends with all my other friends who I didn't ask to be in WP. Some of whom helped host my bachelorette party. 


    lc07adk19InLoveInQueens
  • I mean....good on you for asking WHY people are so against this. Better that than doing it anyway without input. 

    You were ok being a replacement. Many, many people are not, and they will not tell you that to your face, because they don't want you to feel bad, and they may or may not feel that the trappings of a wedding are more important than their feelings. (Those people are wrong.) Instead, they'll feel hurt, and the friendship may suffer. 

    Don't get offended or defensive about the advice here. It's good advice, and may save you a friendship. 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop. But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to determine what to do next.

    Since my service as a "replacement" has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

    The Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

    I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.




    If that were the case, then you could have easily told these BMs to just stop talking to each other.

    But then, you think it's acceptable to have runner up BMs. No real human being would treat a friend that way. I think MUD. 
    pinupbride6189
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    OP, will you answer my question? I think it's pretty crucial here.

    Anniversary

  • After I flew to halfway across the country to be able to speak with her in person and determined that 1 - she was ok, 2- if she and I were ok and 3 - if she was in fact intent on backing out. So NO not just a prop. But i cant force her to be in the wedding... so then I decided to determine what to do next.

    Since my service as a "replacement" has actually resulted in better friendships with both brides to the fact that one is now the MOH. Im not understanding I should feel slighted for being asked after someone was forced to back out. I was happy to be part of their celebration and if me standing up there with them made any part of their day better, i would do it again.

    The Fi and I have asked for NO parties and I have adamantly refused a shower. We made no requests of the BP other than to show up at the wedding and be dressed in the attire that was picked for them. So no forced contact from myself or the FI was required of the BP. The engagement party was a gift from our families. So their initial communications, outside of a this is the wedding party email, were due it being a surprise until things went south. Did i think they would all become friends, no. At the same time I didnt expect this to happen.

    I was very far outside of their business until I got a call to say it wasn't working.




    OP I feel like you aren't listening to anything anyone is saying. It's great that you didn't feel offended, but I think the large group of people here telling you they would be very hurt to be a second-choice bridesmaid should indicate to you it would rub a lot of people the wrong way.

    You asked why people here don't like it- people gave reasons why they don't like it emotionally, philosophically and logistically. As I said in my previous post, you don't agree, so I guess it just comes down to if you're sure no one in your life is going to agree with the vast majority of diverse posters here enough to risk doing something that so many would consider so rude.

    Bottom line- we see asking someone to be a bridesmaid as a honor that you bestow on people you want to bestow it on, and it becomes no longer an honor when you ask someone you had no interest in honoring in the first place. Not sure what you don't get about this.
    SP29
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