Etiquette

Stepmom Role?

My stepdaughter just got engaged and the wedding is in one year. She and I have a good relationship, and her father and I have been married 20 years, since she was small. Her mother and I are able to make small talk but she is territorial and competitive, and I feel she would prefer I weren't a factor.  Her father and I are contributing to the budget with no expectation of having a say in the plans.  I would like to offer my help and support, on my stepdaughter's terms, without stepping on her mom's toes, and also avoid getting my feelings hurt.  I am not sure what is appropriate or what I should expect. Any thoughts or experiences to share? Thanks!

Re: Stepmom Role?

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    When I got married many years ago, my stepmother and I were not close. However, she offered to do what ever I needed.(She did give me a wedding binder/organizer which I used a lot). She was also very sensitive to my mother's role and didn't try to be the MOB. She and my mother weren't on speaking terms but they were fine the day of the wedding. Seeing as you have a good relationship with your step daughter, I would just offer your help in whatever way it is needed and let her take it from there. In hindsight, I really appreciate how my stepmother handled things. Now we are closer and she has been a wonderful grandmother to my kids.
    Knottie1452793924adk19OliveOilsMom
  • I agree that you should make the offer to your SD that you are willing to help if she needs it, but let her take you up on it if she wants to/ feels it is appropriate. 
    Knottie1452793924
  • I'm in your step daughter's place-ish.  I think you have a great attitude.  I would focus on your step daughter and just be cordial when you are around her mom.  This can be a difficult situation, especially if there is tension between the divorced parents/step parent.  I know my dad will be appropriate and I count on my mom to cause me stress and tension.  My biggest concern is how my step mom always tries to be friends with my mom which my mom has no interest in and causes me a lot of stress.  Now, I'm not saying my step mom is wrong in any way, I actually think my mom needs to find a way to peacefully co-exist without making a scene (they've been divorced 20+ years and my dad is on his third wife).

    I think that if my dad and step mom just do all great things to support me and my fiance then I will be happy as can be.  Let your step daughter decide what she wants you to be a part of.  You've been around for a long time and even if she didn't like you you would still be a part of what is happening over the next year!  Good luck to you and your step daughter!
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