Just Engaged and Proposals

Engagement & Facebook status

My Fi got engaged on Christmas Eve. I've told all close family and friends that I would like to be there at the wedding. We have a small budget and are keeping the guest list small. We won't be able to invite all the family and friends that we would like to have there.

A friend of mine asked me why we haven't announced our engagement on FB yet. I don't want to broadcast it on FB because I am not sure how to handle the awkwardness of telling the rest of our family members and friends that we aren't inviting them.

Anyone else postpone announcing their engagement (whether on social media or in person) to avoid this situation?  Am I being silly?  Thoughts?
KnotRiley

Re: Engagement & Facebook status

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    My Fi got engaged on Christmas Eve. I've told all close family and friends that I would like to be there at the wedding. We have a small budget and are keeping the guest list small. We won't be able to invite all the family and friends that we would like to have there.

    A friend of mine asked me why we haven't announced our engagement on FB yet. I don't want to broadcast it on FB because I am not sure how to handle the awkwardness of telling the rest of our family members and friends that we aren't inviting them.

    Anyone else postpone announcing their engagement (whether on social media or in person) to avoid this situation?  Am I being silly?  Thoughts?
    I don't think it's a big deal either way (to post or not to post).  I'd just make sure I didn't talk about the wedding at all in statuses etc and have a prepared response for people who ask:  "We're planning a small ceremony so unfortunately we're unable to invite everyone we would like."

    And congrats!  Keep hanging out here, you'll learn lots of ways to bean dip (change the conversation).
    image
    downtondivacountryup[Deleted User]
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    People are going to make awkward comments no matter what once word gets around that you're engaged.   I remember a woman from church stopping me in the grocery store asking questions about the wedding and implying that she assumed she was invited. 

    Get used to generic comments such as "we're still getting used to the idea of being engaged and haven't worked on the guest list yet."  Later, it can evolve to "we are not able to accommodate everyone we wish we could".  

    Congrats!  



    Anniversary
    kimmiinthemittennerdwife[Deleted User]
  • I waited a few days after I got engaged to put it on Facebook. We wanted to make sure all our close family and friends that we wanted to inform personally knew about it first. That was the last time I mentioned anything about being engaged or getting married until a day or two before the wedding. 

    I would recommend that you do the same thing. Feel free to announce your engagement on Facebook, but leave it at that. The more people hear about details, the more attached they will feel to your wedding and the more likely they are to think they should be included. That won't completely eliminate all the wedding questions, but I found that it helped. And when people do ask, as PP's have said, stay vague. 

    Congrats and have fun planning your wedding!

    image
    [Deleted User]
  • I was going to wait. After FI proposed we went to a restaurant, we were on vacation with his mothers at the time, while waiting for a table I asked FI when he was comfortable putting it out there. FMIL looked at me and said too late! She had posted a pic of FI on one knee and tagged us in it. Oh well! I agree with PPs, regardless of what happens people who are not going to be invited are going to probably find out, you'll have to answer a few times with the generic response and then move on. In my mind, not a huge deal. 
    image
  • Congrats on your engagement! Ultimately, do what you feel best as regards to FB. My FI and waited a few days to post anything to FB, but I understand feeling some reservation about declaring it to others. I have had several former HS students ask if they could come to the wedding through comments to subsequent casual posts (which were not even wedding related, ugh). The art of learning how to say no (and also to know when to say nothing) is awkward but also very usefu, and ultimately a good habit to develop. I figure better to learn this now with my wedding, so that I have a stronger sense of telling people to back off later on down the road (for example, opinions on how I should raise my kids, etc). If you post anything, think of it as a personal challenge to grow in asserting yourself. As @holyguacamole79 noted, you will deal with awkward presumptions from friends and family no matter what. So may as well embrace it, I say. :)
                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I've been engaged since November and we both decided not to put anything on Facebook. The people in our friend list who need to know have been told in person. The rest of our friends (colleagues or people we don't see often) don't need to know. Plus, it's way more fun to tell people in person or on the phone than it is to change a relationship status. We didn't even say we were dating on fb.

    I find it a bit annoying that people now seem to sometimes think a life change isn't official until it's on fb. We know we're engaged, our loved ones know we're engaged, and I'd rather not have my feed clogged up with wedding ads. the FI has already been frustrated by how a little research into engagement rings has changed all his browser ads to ring-related things.
    thisismynickname2[Deleted User]Knottie1448825336Pinksatin91016
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Congrats!
    If you're not fully comfortable "announcing" it then don't. All I did was change my relationship status from "in a relationship" to "engaged." I didn't put up any shmoopy announcement about finally marrying the love of my life or whatever. 
    We had a small wedding too, "We're having a small wedding," and "the guest list hasn't been finalized," came in very handy for me. Don't sweat it. 
    ________________________________


    Pinksatin91016
  • Well people are going to find out one way or another.  Maybe an announcement along with telling about the plan for a small wedding.  Who knows, you might even avoid some awkward conversations by getting the plan out in the open. 

  • Icexpat said:
    I've been engaged since November and we both decided not to put anything on Facebook. The people in our friend list who need to know have been told in person. The rest of our friends (colleagues or people we don't see often) don't need to know. Plus, it's way more fun to tell people in person or on the phone than it is to change a relationship status. We didn't even say we were dating on fb.

    I find it a bit annoying that people now seem to sometimes think a life change isn't official until it's on fb. We know we're engaged, our loved ones know we're engaged, and I'd rather not have my feed clogged up with wedding ads. the FI has already been frustrated by how a little research into engagement rings has changed all his browser ads to ring-related things.


    This.  I can top this.  We have been engaged since October 2014 and dating since December 2010.  Neither life change made it to FB.  Everyone does not need to know your business.  This process will be stressful enough without random FB friends questioning your relationship, your wedding plans, and your guest list.  You will be engaged and married regardless if social media existed to let people who are not REALLY close to you know what you're doing in life.  Enjoy the privacy and intimacy of it. 

    However, if it is important to you, you can post whenever you feel you are ready.

    Pinksatin91016
  • Thank you ladies.  I appreciate the fact that I am not alone in my worries.

    I have a large family, with my mother being one of 8 children. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are close. I have some family members that I have not told in person either because I know that they are going to ask about attending, even though they all live out of state. (I moved out of state for a job.) They are sure to feel offended that I am not inviting them.  Since we started dating, I have had some family mention to us, "I can't wait to see you two get married."

    I am friends with them on fb. For those that live out of state, we keep in touch that way. I would love to be able to invite all of the family, friends, and close colleagues in our lives. However, since we are paying for everything ourselves, we just can't afford to do so. We are keeping it to immediate family - siblings and their families (spouses and kids), our parents, one aunt, and a few close friends.  No more than 50 total - that's including us, the pastor and his wife. We're not doing a major banquet, just a restaurant dinner after the ceremony.

    That's why we haven't done any official announcements nor fb posts.  We are planning the wedding for this August 2016. We actually wanted to do it sooner in April.  But, we are planning it in between my brother's deployments in the Navy. Him being able to be there is very important to me.  

    Would it be rude to just wait and tell the other family members after our wedding has past? Tell them that we got married & just had something small and intimate. Or, would it be rude to not at least tell them now that We're engaged?  Is it worse to tell them about it now, but then say "Sorry, we can't invite you though." ??


  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    Thank you ladies.  I appreciate the fact that I am not alone in my worries.

    I have a large family, with my mother being one of 8 children. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are close. I have some family members that I have not told in person either because I know that they are going to ask about attending, even though they all live out of state. (I moved out of state for a job.) They are sure to feel offended that I am not inviting them.  Since we started dating, I have had some family mention to us, "I can't wait to see you two get married."

    I am friends with them on fb. For those that live out of state, we keep in touch that way. I would love to be able to invite all of the family, friends, and close colleagues in our lives. However, since we are paying for everything ourselves, we just can't afford to do so. We are keeping it to immediate family - siblings and their families (spouses and kids), our parents, one aunt, and a few close friends.  No more than 50 total - that's including us, the pastor and his wife. We're not doing a major banquet, just a restaurant dinner after the ceremony.

    That's why we haven't done any official announcements nor fb posts.  We are planning the wedding for this August 2016. We actually wanted to do it sooner in April.  But, we are planning it in between my brother's deployments in the Navy. Him being able to be there is very important to me.  

    Would it be rude to just wait and tell the other family members after our wedding has past? Tell them that we got married & just had something small and intimate. Or, would it be rude to not at least tell them now that We're engaged?  Is it worse to tell them about it now, but then say "Sorry, we can't invite you though." ??


    I have a feeling word will just spread on its own in a family that large. When you say you keep in touch via FB, what does that really mean? Weekly e-mails with updates about your lives? Or the occasional "Liked" picture?

    I don't think you owe anyone extended a phone call to say "We're engaged, but sorry, you're not invited." I'd just let the word spread and people will just also find out it's a small wedding. For the record, my sister did exactly what you're doing (actually, no friends, just immediate family) and the extended family was actually relieved. In a huge family, it gets to be a lot of commitments.

    I think you're overthinking all of this. Just... let be what will be.  
    ________________________________


    [Deleted User]
  • I agree with thisismynickname.  I think you are too close to the situation and are overthinking it.  In a family that large, word is sure to have already gotten out.  It is time to learn to either a) bean dip or b) get comfortable saying something like the following phrase:  "We're engaged!  We decided to have a small ceremony to keep costs down and to keep it intimate."
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Does your mom speak to her siblings?  You can always use her to spread by word of mouth "we're so excited about DD's engagement.  It's likely going to be a small, intimate event."
    image
  • I feel i'm in a similar situation. My FH has a large family (his mother is one of 16 children) and i have family as well.  We got engaged December 22,2015 and informed close family at Christmas. Right away i knew we couldn't invite everyone as we are paying for our own wedding. Those that we told are our closest family and all will be invited.
    I have not announced anything on FB not even our engagement as we haven't gotten photos yet. We are having our closest family only-guest list is 50 (firm). He feels closer to some of his other family members than others and we discussed either inviting all extended or none to avoid hurt feelings. Our decision is only related to finances as our budget is extremely small (in my opinion). After our venue is booked and the date is firm will i inform people. I'm making FH be hush hush on any of our discussions as we are in the planning stages only. When we inform our family i'm hoping if they discuss with the other family members not being invited that everyone will know its budget related only. 
    i plan to set up a wedding site here on the knot and anyone can access so maybe they feel included. Hoping to have a video of the ceremony and reception and will share with those who aren't invited as well. I won't be asking anything of those not invited but may share on social media by their request if they want information.
    you could also visit your extended family and friends after your honeymoon to share if they so request.
    i understand rhe awkwardness of it and hope posting my situation helps!

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