Pre-wedding Parties

How to Deal with Potential Disaster

LassofSassLassofSass
First Comment
member
edited February 2016 in Pre-wedding Parties
Hello everyone! Although I had been around TK before when I was planning my own wedding and learned A LOT about the do's and don'ts, I have found myself as MOH in a friend's wedding and am currently facing a dilemma. 

I offered to host both a bridal shower and bachelorette party since the bride had also been a BM in my wedding. I recently asked for her guest list but what I didn't think to tell is how many people I could reasonably afford to host. I knew she's having a bigger wedding, so I assumed she would be having somewhere around 50 people (including all 7 bridesmaids), but I was planning to host the shower at my house with the help of the bridesmaids, and this would be doable. 

There are over seventy people on her list. 

Over seventy people is not doable. I nicely told her that I (and the bridesmaids) wouldn't be able to accommodate that number and asked if she could possibly edit the list down to make it a more intimate (and financially feasible) event. Because both the bride and her fiance come from large families, she said it would be impossible to edit the list down farther without hurting someone's feelings. She said she would have her mother and fiancee help me out with planning. 

When I spoke with the fiance, I asked if either or both of his sisters would be able to host a second shower to take some pressure off of me and the bridesmaids. He said it would just be easier if he were to help me than put that pressure on his family (I also tried explaining how it wouldn't be the greatest idea for him to help since the gifts are just as much for him as they are for her but he maintains that no one has to know he is involved). 

I feel stuck. I know I should have said something before she even gave me the list, but I think like she feels completely entitled to this party, and I don't know how to get through it without going broke. 

ETA: I really love her and if money were no object, I would have no problem with this. I love hosting parties - but with all the other costs associated with the wedding as well as just my personal life, I am feeling majorly stressed out about this. I've been having trouble sleeping and focusing at work.

Re: How to Deal with Potential Disaster

  • adk19 said:
    Hello everyone! Although I had been around TK before when I was planning my own wedding and learned A LOT about the do's and don'ts, I have found myself as MOH in a friend's wedding and am currently facing a dilemma. 

    I offered to host both a bridal shower and bachelorette party since the bride had also been a BM in my wedding. I recently asked for her guest list but what I didn't think to tell is how many people I could reasonably afford to host. I knew she's having a bigger wedding, so I assumed she would be having somewhere around 50 people (including all 7 bridesmaids), but I was planning to host the shower at my house with the help of the bridesmaids, and this would be doable. 

    There are over seventy people on her list. 

    Over seventy people is not doable. I nicely told her that I (and the bridesmaids) wouldn't be able to accommodate that number and asked if she could possibly edit the list down to make it a more intimate (and financially feasible) event. Because both the bride and her fiance come from large families, she said it would be impossible to edit the list down farther without hurting someone's feelings. She said she would have her mother and fiancee help me out with planning. 

    When I spoke with the fiance, I asked if either or both of his sisters would be able to host a second shower to take some pressure off of me and the bridesmaids. He said it would just be easier if he were to help me than put that pressure on his family (I also tried explaining how it wouldn't be the greatest idea for him to help since the gifts are just as much for him as they are for her but he maintains that no one has to know he is involved). 

    I feel stuck. I know I should have said something before she even gave me the list, but I think like she feels completely entitled to this party, and I don't know how to get through it without going broke. 

    ETA: I really love her and if money were no object, I would have no problem with this. I love hosting parties - but with all the other costs associated with the wedding as well as just my personal life, I am feeling majorly stressed out about this. I've been having trouble sleeping and focusing at work.
    Friend, I can't host a 70 person event.  I can host a 20 person shower.  I can only have 20 people at my home and a party at a venue is not in my budget.  Please give me a list of 20 people or I'm not going to be able to host this party. 

    It's not your job to ask others to help.  You don't get to tell others how to spend their money, just like the bride doesn't get to tell you how to spend yours.  If she can't get the list down to a manageable number, you don't host an event for her.  If you hear that someone else has decided to throw a party for her, you can offer your assistance and money.  If the bride is feeling this entitled though, I suspect she'll ask you to Step Down as MOH because you can't fulfill your duties (of hosting a huge 70 soiree.)
    Oh sorry if this wasn't clear - I'm not asking the bridesmaid to pay for anything. They offered to help/pay when I said I was hosting.

    Either way though, I agree with you. 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    I would honestly just back out now. "Friend, wow, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd want 70 people and I just can't swing that. I won't host this. Again, I'm sorry! But I'm still on for the bachelorette! How many friends are we thinking here?" 
    ________________________________


    STARMOON44
  • PPs got the right dialogue. If she is resistant, maybe try to help by gently suggesting the idea of "circles" of invitation -- a lot of Knotties have mentioned it, and I think it's brilliant. Start at the inner layers of the onion and work outward until you can't add another layer without exceeding your limit. 
                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Blue_Bird
  • Can your home comfortably fit 70 people, meaning a chair for each bum? Forget about the cost. I'm just trying to imagine how this would work square footage wise...
    adk19SP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Hello everyone! Although I had been around TK before when I was planning my own wedding and learned A LOT about the do's and don'ts, I have found myself as MOH in a friend's wedding and am currently facing a dilemma. 

    I offered to host both a bridal shower and bachelorette party since the bride had also been a BM in my wedding. I recently asked for her guest list but what I didn't think to tell is how many people I could reasonably afford to host. I knew she's having a bigger wedding, so I assumed she would be having somewhere around 50 people (including all 7 bridesmaids), but I was planning to host the shower at my house with the help of the bridesmaids, and this would be doable. 

    There are over seventy people on her list. 

    Over seventy people is not doable. I nicely told her that I (and the bridesmaids) wouldn't be able to accommodate that number and asked if she could possibly edit the list down to make it a more intimate (and financially feasible) event. Because both the bride and her fiance come from large families, she said it would be impossible to edit the list down farther without hurting someone's feelings. She said she would have her mother and fiancee help me out with planning. 

    When I spoke with the fiance, I asked if either or both of his sisters would be able to host a second shower to take some pressure off of me and the bridesmaids. He said it would just be easier if he were to help me than put that pressure on his family (I also tried explaining how it wouldn't be the greatest idea for him to help since the gifts are just as much for him as they are for her but he maintains that no one has to know he is involved). 

    I feel stuck. I know I should have said something before she even gave me the list, but I think like she feels completely entitled to this party, and I don't know how to get through it without going broke. 

    ETA: I really love her and if money were no object, I would have no problem with this. I love hosting parties - but with all the other costs associated with the wedding as well as just my personal life, I am feeling majorly stressed out about this. I've been having trouble sleeping and focusing at work.
    I would tell them both, "Regardless of how much financial and other help you offer, it is not possible for me to host more than 20 people total.  It's up to you who those 20 guests are, but unless you cut your guest list down to that many people, I am not going to be able to host for you." If they come back with more of "We have to include everyone or feelings will be hurt," I'd respond, "Then I'm very sorry, but I can't do the hosting."
    adk19Blue_BirdMairePoppySP29
  • Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 
  • doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 
    To the Bolded: As far as I understand it, no. Etiquette says you SHOULD NOT be invited to a shower if you are NOT invited to the wedding, but it does not say you OUGHT to invite everybody to the shower just because they're invited to the wedding. For some weddings, that could make for some insanely huge showers (one of my friends, for example, had 330 people invited to her wedding, and almost all of them were local. If even half of that number had showed up to a shower, I would have backed out as one of the hosting bridesmaids. It was enough to split the cost with the other BMs to host a shower for 50 guests in a church hall).
                        


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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 
    Definitely not.



    Blue_BirdSTARMOON44
  • doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 

    Oh. You're being serious. 

    No, that's not going to work. I can't afford that on my own, and I can't expect the bridesmaids to pay that either. 

    I have no spine, so I didn't push the issue further. What I did find, however, is an auditorium that is $150 for the whole day. The fiance offered to pay for it, but I told him, again, that it's just not a good idea. 

    I think he plans to help out with food, but I'll be doing most of it. The bridesmaids were willing to split up the other tasks (decorating, drinks, cups/plates/napkins, etc) so it's feeling more manageable. I'm still spending more than I want. 
  • doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 

    Oh. You're being serious. 

    No, that's not going to work. I can't afford that on my own, and I can't expect the bridesmaids to pay that either. 

    I have no spine, so I didn't push the issue further. What I did find, however, is an auditorium that is $150 for the whole day. The fiance offered to pay for it, but I told him, again, that it's just not a good idea. 

    I think he plans to help out with food, but I'll be doing most of it. The bridesmaids were willing to split up the other tasks (decorating, drinks, cups/plates/napkins, etc) so it's feeling more manageable. I'm still spending more than I want. 
    Yes, this is correct. You reap what you sow. 'No' is not a naughty word. 

    This could have very easily been solved with a "Friend, I can host 50 people, if you can't lower the guest list, then I am sorry, I don't think it will work out with me hosting. "

    Whilst I think your friend is terrible for putting you in this situation, you are equally to blame for going along with it so I really don't have that much sympathy. 
    Okay. 
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 

    Oh. You're being serious. 

    No, that's not going to work. I can't afford that on my own, and I can't expect the bridesmaids to pay that either. 

    I have no spine, so I didn't push the issue further. What I did find, however, is an auditorium that is $150 for the whole day. The fiance offered to pay for it, but I told him, again, that it's just not a good idea. 

    I think he plans to help out with food, but I'll be doing most of it. The bridesmaids were willing to split up the other tasks (decorating, drinks, cups/plates/napkins, etc) so it's feeling more manageable. I'm still spending more than I want. 
    Yes, this is correct. You reap what you sow. 'No' is not a naughty word. 

    This could have very easily been solved with a "Friend, I can host 50 people, if you can't lower the guest list, then I am sorry, I don't think it will work out with me hosting. "

    Whilst I think your friend is terrible for putting you in this situation, you are equally to blame for going along with it so I really don't have that much sympathy. 
    Okay. 
    I have to agree.

    Although you are under no obligation to do so, one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone asks for help/suggestions and then completely disregards all suggestions.

    Since you refuse to stand up for yourself for the shower, I suggest you make it abundantly clear NOW that you have exceeded your pre-party planning budget and will no longer be able to host her bachelorette party.
    InLoveInQueensthisismynickname2AddieCakerosecoloredglasses81
  • MobKaz said:
    doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 

    Oh. You're being serious. 

    No, that's not going to work. I can't afford that on my own, and I can't expect the bridesmaids to pay that either. 

    I have no spine, so I didn't push the issue further. What I did find, however, is an auditorium that is $150 for the whole day. The fiance offered to pay for it, but I told him, again, that it's just not a good idea. 

    I think he plans to help out with food, but I'll be doing most of it. The bridesmaids were willing to split up the other tasks (decorating, drinks, cups/plates/napkins, etc) so it's feeling more manageable. I'm still spending more than I want. 
    Yes, this is correct. You reap what you sow. 'No' is not a naughty word. 

    This could have very easily been solved with a "Friend, I can host 50 people, if you can't lower the guest list, then I am sorry, I don't think it will work out with me hosting. "

    Whilst I think your friend is terrible for putting you in this situation, you are equally to blame for going along with it so I really don't have that much sympathy. 
    Okay. 
    I have to agree.

    Although you are under no obligation to do so, one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone asks for help/suggestions and then completely disregards all suggestions.

    Since you refuse to stand up for yourself for the shower, I suggest you make it abundantly clear NOW that you have exceeded your pre-party planning budget and will no longer be able to host her bachelorette party.
    I have. 
    MobKazthisismynickname2Jen4948rosecoloredglasses81
  • doclago said:
    Why don't you take the help of the bridesmaids and ret a room for 70? I can do it in my area for around $1500 with heavy appetizers. That's roughly $200 per person. You don't have to offer a bar and brunch tends to be less expensive. 
    I thought that etiquette says if you are invited to the wedding you should be invited to the shower. No? 
    It is just the opposite.  Everyone who is invited to the shower must also be invited to the wedding, not visa-versa.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    tigerlily6InLoveInQueens
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