Wedding Woes

To escort or not?

Dear Prudence,
My younger sister confided in me that she is pregnant. She wants me to take her in for an abortion, without telling our parents. In our state, minors don’t need parental consent, but I love my parents and would rather not betray them like this. They are Republicans (so am I, but I don’t think that anyone should be forced to have a baby). If we did this, and then our parents somehow found out, I’m not sure they’d ever forgive me. Should I go behind their backs on this?

—Hesitant Clinic Escort

Re: To escort or not?

  • That's a hard one. I don't think she should do it and not tell her parents. Since she doesn't need parental permission, she can still have it done, even if they don't agree. That's a serious medical procedure and there could be complications.
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  • I would not do this to my parents.  I think its a major medical procedure also, and something that should require a minor to have a parent consent. 
  • I told my baby sister when she was still a wee thing that I would spot her on such things if she ever needed.
    I wasn't planning on it, and it would have been awful and I probably would have lectured her a bit...but hell, I also offered to buy her BF condoms and told her she had no business sleeping with him..
    Sometimes you gotta stick together because you can't change their mind, you can only support them as their mind is made up.
  • edited February 2016

    I think there are a lot of assumptions being made. I think most teen girls that get pregnant and know that they don't have to have parental permission would probably not want to tell their parents. Regardless, if their parents would understand or not.

    So, if given the chance, all she has to do is call her older sister and problem solved, yes she would jump on that option first. If only for the fact of not having to have the convo with her parents. I  don't think the abortion solves the problem either, she is still sexually active and I would assume still needs to talk with her parents about getting on birth control. Either way, the conversation needs to be had.

    I agree with CMG that she should support her sister and encourage her to tell her parents herself.



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  • Agreed - being Republican has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with this!!! 

    Ultimately, the teen really does need to tell her parents because while consent may not be necessary, and the parents know this, it's still a medical procedure that should be done in the safest of environments if she chooses to go through with it (complications happen and at that age she wouldn't likely know "there's a family history of...", or vetting a clinic, when it comes to more complex procedures).  IMO and really, unless it was a case of rape, if she's old enough to be doing what it takes to get pregnant, she's old enough to have the conversation(s) with her parents who both "kids" are projecting how they're going to be against such a decision, but that doesn't mean they are!  Hypotheticals are far different than the real world when a situation like this presents itself IRL. 

  • Not to get on a soapbox here (but to maybe get on a soapbox...) but abortion is not a major medical procedure (a major decision is a different story). Over 60% of abortions in the US are done in the first 8 weeks, don't require a hospital stay, result in complications that require a hospital visit less than 0.05% of the time. Additionally, early medicine abortion is quickly becoming the most common and safest form of abortion, and can be administered out of a hospital. Providers are required to discuss the risks of the procedure with orients and in many states there are waiting periods (don't get me started..), so it's not as if women just "run off and problem solved" to get abortions. And most counseling comes with discussions on birth control options. 

    My rant was really to say that LWs sister has a legal right to a safe, medical procedure. Her family may not agree with her decision, but they don't have to. 

    I completely respect that not everyone would choose the same way as LWs sister for themselves and have very strong reasons for not doing so. But I strongly believe every woman should get to make this choice for herself. And hopefully have a friend or family member to support her. 

    QFMD (quoted for mic drop). Damn, girl. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • CMGragain said:
    Can I just give a big thank you and much love to @CMGragain ? I know we don't always see eye-to-eye, but I have to give props to a woman, especially of your generation, supporting the right to choice.

    I don't have a sister, but I can't imagine not helping any female relative or friend or even, hell, acquaintance, who trusted me enough to ask. I just found out last year that SIL had an abortion before having our niece. It was absolutely the right choice for her at the time (her BF before her now H was a total asshole) and I am so glad she was able to have a safe, easy, medical procedure in a sterile location.
    @artbyallie , it was MY GENERATION that helped women get this legal choice!  It doesn't mean that we think abortions are a good thing.  We do know that unsafe, backstreet abortions are a bad thing, and that changing the law will not change this.
    I found a college freshman unconscious on a blood stained bunk on my dormitory floor.  I rode in the ambulance with her to the hospital.   I don't know what happened to her after her parents took her home from the hospital.  No one should ever have to go through what she went through because of the law.
    Most of the people I have known who are very anti-Roe v. Wade are too young to have these memories.
    This kind of reminds me of people who actually lived through polio and are like "Shut up with your Jenny McCarthy anti-vax nonsense."  They actually witnessed the consequences personally, just like people who lived pre-RvW saw what happened when women didn't have access to safe, legal abortion.  I think that counts for a lot.

    I think there are a lot of assumptions being made. I think most teen girls that get pregnant and know that they don't have to have parental permission would probably not want to tell their parents. Regardless, if their parents would understand or not.

    So, if given the chance, all she has to do is call her older sister and problem solved, yes she would jump on that option first. If only for the fact of not having to have the convo with her parents. I  don't think the abortion solves the problem either, she is still sexually active and I would assume still needs to talk with her parents about getting on birth control. Either way, the conversation needs to be had.

    I agree with CMG that she should support her sister and encourage her to tell her parents herself.

    I was really on the fence with my response, because OTOH, this has not been my experience at all.  I remember being that age, and while maybe you wouldn't tell your parents about beer at a party or smoking a jay behind Jenny's backyard shed, if you got in over your head, they were the ones who would bail you out.  I was a pretty good kid and never got into serious trouble, but that was the consensus with my friends:  parents didn't need to know everything, but if the chips were down, they could still fix things.  And TBH, I don't know how much of that is a suburban middle/upper-middle class  perspective (get someone to make some calls and make whatever problem go away), but that was how we saw it at the time.

    So when I see "most teen girls that get pregnant would probably not want to tell their parents" it seems weird to me.  I mean yes, technically probably no one wants to have that conversation, but knowing that they can get your butt out of that situation, you bite the bullet and tell them.  So I'm coming at it from the perspective of "If you're that girl and you don't feel like you can tell your parents, something is wrong."  I don't know what:  maybe they're really fundie and they'll cut her off, maybe they're straight-up physically/emotionally abusive, I have no idea, but something ain't right.  (Again, the sister is afraid they'll never speak to her again for merely facilitating the abortion.) 

    The only reason I'm on the fence is I know you work with kids every day, NOLA, so your experience is definitely more recent and broader than mine.  It just doesn't sync with my experience.

  • edited February 2016

    Heffa, I think that's it. We all have our own experiences that shape our views. I work in an urban school district, where most girls either keep their babies, another relative will raise it or they give it up. Sure some will have an abortion, but not many at all.

    I'm also the person that had to give a young lady money so she could buy a pregnancy test, because she didn't have any money to buy a test to even know for sure if she was pregnant. I've also dealt with a student that couldn't tell her mom that she was having a baby because there were already four kids in her family and they live in a one bed apartment. So, I do come from a different perspective on what I see girls doing.

    Now, if I worked in a private school, I probably wouldn't even know because the family would take care of the problem on their own.

    I don't know, I still stick with my original opinion.

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  • My sister got pregnant in HS and my parents made her get an abortion ( truly I think it was the best decision, I just hate that it wasn't my sister's decision.) This caused some emotional issues with my sister and when she got pregnant again (about a year after) she was terrified. He'll I didn't know. Half my school knew before me.l, she didn't want to get me involved but a school counselor was forcing her hand. My parents kicked her out. She had the baby and My parents and her mended fences. They just wanted more for her. I understand the fear of telling your parents, but if your sister needs you, you go. Let her tell the parents. She will be weak and sore after, if she lives with them they'll know something is up.

  • edited February 2016
    If she either a) doesn't go with her sister and/or b) violates her confidence and tells her parents, the result will be relationship changing. 

    The sister is looking for a confidant, let her tell her parents on her own time, if she so chooses. She obviously has chosen not to right now for a reason, and I think from the LW post she knows why. 

    Edited to change subjects
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  • @heffalump, Coincidentally, my husband is a polio survivor.  He is experiencing post polio syndrome, and uses a bi-pap breathing machine to sleep.  His tailor would notice his legs are a bit shorter than they might have been in proportion to the rest of his body, but no one else would suspect.  He spent a year in bed as a young child.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • As someone who has been through it, please go with your sister and let her tell your parents in her own time.  It isn't your place to tell on her, and it would be horrible for you to abandon her when she needs you.  Go with her, be there for her, and support her - that is all you can do and what you should do.  And for the record, having an abortion was one of the best (albeit hardest and saddest) decisions I've made in my life.
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