Birthdays -- love or hate 'em? (or are neutral?)

tigerlily6

FI's birthday is at the end of February so I'm once again sitting here trying to figure out how to walk the delicate line of doing something nice for him but not too much. He hates the concept of birthdays -- he says it just makes him feel older, and he doesn't like the notion of having a "day about him". Still, one year I didn't do anything at all since he told me not to, but I think he felt a little sad after the fact. He's not much of a card guy, but I think I might try to get him a book or something this year. 

I like my birthday, but I don't need fanfare to enjoy it. I like to treat myself to a nice lunch or dinner out, and enjoy getting to hang out with friends if I'm able. If not, though, that's fine too -- but I do enjoy some "treat yourself" time, even if that's merely some dessert while watching a favorite movie after a workday. I guess my focus is less on being older, and more on just being alive in general.

Any strong opinions on birthdays one way or another out there? 

spockforprez

I love my birthday. I think I have a complex because it's at the beginning of September so it always coincided with the start of the school year and as a result my friends didn't do anything and I rarely, almost never, got any of the special things that people with later birthdays would get, like cupcakes or a gift from the teacher. Damn that makes me sound like a bratty SS, haha.

Whatever the cause, I have a need to feel special on or around my birthday. Four years ago my friends put together a surprise birthday party for me and I still ride on the high I felt, how thoughtful and wonderful it was! But even a very simple day with just me and my FH is sufficient (or even preferred!) as long as it's marked with a celebration. I also treat FH's and some others' (within the limits of practicality) the same way and make sure they feel special and loved on their day.

As far as the anti-aging stuff... well, I'm 27 now and only looking forward to getting older. I think 32 is the age I'm most looking forward to, not quite sure why. It just feels like it would be a nice age.  

charlotte989875

H is the same way, he hates birthdays! He tells me not to do anything and he really means it. This year be bought himself a present a week before and told me not to buy him anything. I baked his favorite cake, but that was it. 

I on the other hand love birthdays. Love going out for a nice dinner. He always does something as a surprise for me because he knows I love celebrating. I don't try to get him to celebrate his birthday and he doesn't try to convince me not to get excited about birthdays. 

luckya23

We're both pretty meh about our birthdays.  We buy our own gifts "from each other."  This year I got myself a baby monitor webcam to check on my dog while I was away, and I think he got himself some miniature army thing.  His birthday is less than 3 weeks after xmas, so I also held over one of his xmas gifts and gave it to him that day.  

lyndausvi

neutral.    

Our birthdays are 3 weeks from each other.  In the middle of DH's busy season.   Last year for my birthday I worked both jobs (2nd job is at the club along with DH).  After work we went out for a drink.   

DH is pretty neutral also.  If we are able we will go to dinner or out of drinks.  Which is pretty much part of our normal weekly routine.  We just add the birthday excuse as justification on why we are out.

Gifts are hit or miss.  

kimmiinthemitten

I'm meh about birthdays. I was excited for 30 but that's about it. FI and my BFF however are super birthday people. Their parents always made them into big deals and so do they, but not just for themselves but for everybody. 

This year being my wedding year I'm especially meh. Between the actual wedding and pre wedding parties there's enough going on that I don't need to be the center of attention of anything more. But were still going out for dinner/drinks with just a few friends someplace I haven't been yet because FI and BFF can't do nothing. 

Jells2dot0

I use them as an excuse to pig out on all of my favorite foods. H does the same, but on a slightly smaller scale (he has a weekend and I get a week. LOL) We always struggle to find a good gift for each other because we just get what we want throughout the year, so we mostly focus on hitting up all of our favorite restaurants. 

tigerlily6

@spockforprez, as a summer birthday kid (who now lives in a college town and is friends mostly w grad students who are gone for the summer) I totally get where you're coming from! In fact, FI has not even been around for my birthday the past 3 years, since he's been abroad doing studies. It isn't the end of the world  and I don't think either you or I would ever feel owed or entitled to birthday celebrations, so hopefully that saves us from SShood, haha. But I agree, it certainly is not taken for granted when you do have people around to celebrate. I think my favorite birthday ever was my 21st, less because I could finally legally buy a drink (that was fun, tho) but because I was living with two of my best friends taking summer classes. They made me a cake and hung a goofy banner in the house, and it was awesome. 

I also love your birthday style, @Jells2dot0! Having an excuse to eat my favorite food is WAY better than any "present for the sake of getting a present"!

arrippa

I am pretty neutral about birthdays. To me, it's just another day. However, this year is different. It's a big one. I am planning a girls trip somewhere warm and exotic. Maybe Mexico. 

SP29

I love birthdays. It means there is cake! (Whether that be my own birthday, or someone else). 

I don't make a big fanfare out of it, but it's nice to have "me" time (I will take the day off work, because I have the vacation time), and nice to go out for dinner or something.... and eat cake, of course. 

DH and I sometimes get each other gifts, sometimes we go out for dinner. 

@tigerlily6 An experience gift might be good for your FI, or try out a new restaurant. Make it more about doing something fun together rather than "look how many more candles are on your cake this year!". 

CMGragain

Are you kidding?  I love my birthdays!  I buy my own cake at the grocery store.  (Tuxedo mousse cake from City Market! YUM!)  I recently made it to 65.  Every year is a victory for me!

AddieCake

Neutral. I don't care if I do anything for it or not, but if I do end up doing something, I enjoy that. I think it's weird when adults make a big deal of their birthdays, though, like if they don't do something or people don't make a big deal of it, they are somehow missing out and bummed out about it or they are annoyed when someone else has a function on their birthday. 

MairePoppy

Neutral. We go out for dinner and don't make a fuss. I'm a summer baby, no big birthday parties for me  because it's in the middle of vacation time. My husband's birthday is Jan 5 when everyone is holidayed out. 

My mom threw a surprise party for my 50th birthday. I was horrified, although I played along at being delighted. My ILs are AWs who like to be honored with parties on their birthdays and mom felt like I 'deserved' a party for dealing with them all these years. 

kvruns

I'm mostly neutral. I've never been one to have to have a big party or anything or make a big deal about it although sometimes I think it would be fun. My best friend and I have birthdays a week a part so we used to have get togethers when we were in our early 20s and then did one for 30 but that is about it.

lnixon8

This is something my favorite advice columnist Carolyn Hax gets a lot of letters about. I like my birthday, H does not care. I invite my friends over for a cocktail party and do all the work for it (I really like doing this), he makes sure he is around/showered and the dog is walked. We both enjoy drinks and snacks.

We go out to dinner for his birthday. We pretty much do this weekly anyways so its more like we go to a restaurant he loves and we order what we want without having to order from the happy hour menu or using a groupon.

nerdwife

I like birthdays, both mine and other people's. I think it's really fun to make FI feel special and always try to get him a really thoughtful gift. We are also big into getting experience-type gifts for each other - I got him tickets to the first Mets playoff game at Citifield for his birthday in October and he got me tickets to see Matilda on broadway for mine, which was awesome. I have in the past (and did this year) have some people over. We serve a ton of alcohol and food and play cards against humanity. I love getting a bunch of my friends, who for the most part don't know each other, in the same room at the same time. FI doesn't do the whole have people over thing, but I still make a big deal out of his and celebrate Birthday Week.

kmmssg

If someone makes a fuss about my birthday I won't stop them. I kinda like them. My birthday is next month and I will reach level 56 in the game of life. I am especially happy if cake is involved.

thefanciestbeckler

I love birthdays, whether it be mine or someone else's! Unfortunately, I'm the only person in my family who cares about them.

anjemon

This is timely because my birthday is in about a month and I need to start deciding what I want to do. I always plan something for my birthday - last year we went to the Rollergirls match and dinner and I think the year before we did games with friends. This year I'm considering a dinner party type event where I host and cook, but I am having a hard time getting the list down to a manageable amount of people.

FI's birthday was one of my big screwups last year (IMO). I kept asking him what he wanted to do and he kept saying nothing. We had a house warming party right before his birthday, but didn't have anything planned for the day of. Well on his actual birthday he got a little sad that I didn't have anything planned. Sort of a wires crossed thing because I always plan my own party and I kept asking him what he wanted to do. I think I've figured out that he doesn't want to plan his own birthday event, but he wants an event to happen.

His mom is like that too. We had a snafu scheduling her birthday dinner this past year (FIL forgot or didn't do it) and there was an email where she insisted she didn't plan anything because she would never plan her own birthday dinner (emphasis mine). So now I understand. And next year for his birthday he's getting an event planned with friends whether he asks for it or not.

badbnagdway

My birthday was last week. I get both excited and depressed about it now that I am upwards of 30. When H asked me what I wanted to do this year I said going out to dinner with him would be good (weekday birthday this year). He took that to mean I wanted no fanfare whatsoever. He sent me flowers, which was nice, and that was it. I was pretty bummed all week that my H did not get me a card, or a small present, or even make me coffee that morning. He also was in a really bad mood when he got home from work that day.  I finally just freaked out and was like, dude, I need you to be not a dick today. He brightened up after that but it was still not great to feel like I was forcing my husband to celebrate my birthday. 

anjemon my H assumed that when I said I "just" wanted to dinner with him I meant I wanted absolutely nothing else whatsoever. Anyway, it made me realize I need to be more specific with him about stuff like that. I don't need a diamond necklace or any big crazy party I just want to feel special. His family doesn't really celebrate stuff and mine really really does so we just have different expectations. 

CharmedPam

I'm not big on my own birthday, but I like celebrating others.  Basically, I like that cake is involved. 

500days

I treat my birthday like any other day of the week. I'm not a grouch about it at all, but I just don't understand taking the day out of work or a big party. My H is the same way. We go out to a big dinner to celebrate on a night that is convenient. My MIL is a big birthday person so we always make sure to send her a card. I just can't take people seriously as adults when they are all like "IT"S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH!!!" nonono, just one day- maybe weekend at most.

climbingsingle

I love my birthday so much, I got married on it. 

My H's birthday is the day before mine. I love celebrating both of our birthdays - it means another year of life. 

Also, if you are under 30 and are lamenting turning 30 because you're getting old/older, stop.
1. You can't stop yourself from aging, and worrying about getting older does nothing but give you wrinkles. 
2. When you're actually in your 30s, you'll realize that your 30s are so much better than you 20s, and you'll feel like a huge ass for ever fretting about it. 

ILoveBeachMusic

My mother made sure that birthdays were special. H's family didn't really do anything special for birthdays. I have tried for almost 33 years to change that mindset but it hasn't worked! If anything, he has changed the way I do birthdays. Our birthdays and anniversary are all in the same week. We usually do one thing to celebrate. When my Mom was alive, she always called and sang to me for my birthday. I really miss that every year. I do that for my kids now.

madamerwin

I'm pretty neutral about my birthday. I don't mind the getting older part - I was pretty happy to turn 30 last year! I do like to treat myself to something, whether it's a nice lunch or a new pair of earrings, and I DO like to take the day off work if possible.

H's birthday is 3 weeks before mine, so sometimes we just do a joint special day of some sort, or treat ourselves to a concert or something. I like to make his birthday special, even if he doesn't really care.

anjemon

badbnagdway said:

anjemon my H assumed that when I said I "just" wanted to dinner with him I meant I wanted absolutely nothing else whatsoever. Anyway, it made me realize I need to be more specific with him about stuff like that. I don't need a diamond necklace or any big crazy party I just want to feel special. His family doesn't really celebrate stuff and mine really really does so we just have different expectations. 

Thank you. I think you perfectly framed the issue for me. My H said he didn't want anything and I took that too literally. I need to find ways to make his day special, even if it's just the two of us doing something.

I think our issue is while my family does celebrate, my definition of a celebration is bigger and includes celebrating with other people. He's just looking for something to make him feel special.