Wedding Woes

Cousin jealous of my wedding?!

OK, grab some popcorn and get ready for this circus.

My youngest cousin (23) is a recovering drug addict who got kicked out of rehab with her boyfriend and got knocked up shortly after. Our family has been super supportive of her and her new life situation, myself included. We are all really hoping that this pregnancy helps her turn her life around. So far so good.

I was chatting with our Grandmother a couple of days ago and she asked me if I had talked to said cousin lately (we don't talk often, usually just at holidays). I said no, I hadn't heard much from her since our engagement. My grandma replies with "oh, I guess she's still upset" (Grandma has had several strokes and sometimes says things she is supposed to keep secret)

I, of course, ask her what she could possibly be upset at me about. To which Grandma replies: "Oh, well I think she wanted to be the first to be married"

I almost lost it, in both anger and laughter. WTF? She's mad at me for being engaged? That's rich. I laughed out loud and asked my Grandma why on earth she felt entitled to be the first one to be married. Grandma didn't know.

I am the oldest of all the grandchildren (not that it really matters), with a stable career, my own house etc. She is a recovering addict who really still needs to work on herself, but now is bringing a child into this world. My family have been nothing but supportive, yet she is mad at me?

Ridiculous. I mean I really don't care who gets married first, and I'm not mad at her for having the first great-grandchild, why is she mad at me?
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Re: Cousin jealous of my wedding?!

  • This does not seem like a very big deal. It sounds like something she just said in passing to your grandmother, who I assume she is close to. It might have had as much to do with her being unhappy with the direction of her own life as being upset with you somehow. She said "I wanted to be the first to be married"...that's a desire, not that she felt entitled to it. It's a pretty innocuous comment, especially since she didn't share it with you.

    You need to let this one go. You don't actually know that she's mad at you, she hasn't said anything to you, and it would be at best unnecessary to treat her any differently.

    Like @CMGragain mentioned, it sounds like you have some judgement about your cousin's history...perhaps you can focus on moving past that, rather than feelings she may or may not have based on a secondhand comment.


  • I honestly don't get why this is an issue. 
  • Wow, as I have seen in so many other posts, this group loves to jump on the OP with judgement. 

    Did is I say it was an issue? Did I say I was upset about it? No, I was trying to talk about my situation and all I got was judgement in return. I did mention my personal reaction, but no where in my post did I say I was mad,in fact I said I was not. I was simply venting the frustration that she was mad at me for being engaged. 

    My cousin's history has everything to do with the post, which is why I included it. Her history is part and parcel with the desires=entitlement part of being a recovering addict. She has always acted selfishly and I feel this is another selfish comment made by her in attempt to got something from someone. She historically plays on my grandmother's heartstrings and stroke brain to get money. And guess what? After their conversation, Gma bought her a phone card. 

    Thanks guys for the judgement. I can sure feel the love here. 


  • edited February 2016
    OK, grab some popcorn and get ready for this circus.

    My youngest cousin (23) is a recovering drug addict who got kicked out of rehab with her boyfriend and got knocked up shortly after. Our family has been super supportive of her and her new life situation, myself included. We are all really hoping that this pregnancy helps her turn her life around. So far so good.

    I was chatting with our Grandmother a couple of days ago and she asked me if I had talked to said cousin lately (we don't talk often, usually just at holidays). I said no, I hadn't heard much from her since our engagement. My grandma replies with "oh, I guess she's still upset" (Grandma has had several strokes and sometimes says things she is supposed to keep secret)

    I, of course, ask her what she could possibly be upset at me about. To which Grandma replies: "Oh, well I think she wanted to be the first to be married"

    I almost lost it, in both anger and laughter. WTF? She's mad at me for being engaged? That's rich. I laughed out loud and asked my Grandma why on earth she felt entitled to be the first one to be married. Grandma didn't know.

    I am the oldest of all the grandchildren (not that it really matters), with a stable career, my own house etc. She is a recovering addict who really still needs to work on herself, but now is bringing a child into this world. My family have been nothing but supportive, yet she is mad at me?

    Ridiculous. I mean I really don't care who gets married first, and I'm not mad at her for having the first great-grandchild, why is she mad at me?


    kayteekay85 said:
    Wow, as I have seen in so many other posts, this group loves to jump on the OP with judgement. 

    Did is I say it was an issue? Did I say I was upset about it? No, I was trying to talk about my situation and all I got was judgement in return. I did mention my personal reaction, but no where in my post did I say I was mad,in fact I said I was not. I was simply venting the frustration that she was mad at me for being engaged. 

    My cousin's history has everything to do with the post, which is why I included it. Her history is part and parcel with the desires=entitlement part of being a recovering addict. She has always acted selfishly and I feel this is another selfish comment made by her in attempt to got something from someone. She historically plays on my grandmother's heartstrings and stroke brain to get money. And guess what? After their conversation, Gma bought her a phone card. 

    Thanks guys for the judgement. I can sure feel the love here. 



    I think it was the bolded statement that made people think you were upset and had an issue with it. Usually, if you "almost lose it in anger" that means you're upset and angry about it, which means it's an issue. So, you yourself insinuated it was an issue for you. If it wasn't an issue you wouldn't have posted the thread about it. 


    ETA: you didn't say you weren't mad at her over th comment. You only said you weren't mad that she had th first ggkid 
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  • kayteekay85kayteekay85 member
    First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited February 2016
    I also said I almost lost it in anger and laughter, everyone chose to focus on the anger part. 

    I'm not mad at her for the comment. If I got mad at her for every comment she made about me like this one, I'd have a goddamned ulcer. 

    Eta: spelling. 
  • I also said I almost lost it in anger and laughter, everyone chose to focus on the anger part. 

    I'm not mad at her for the comment. If I got mad at her for every comment she made about me like this one, I'd have a goddamned ulcer. 

    Eta: spelling. 
    Laughter like 'oh she's so silly for saying that' or laughter like 'ha, this knocked up ex drug addict has the nerve to say that about me??' Given you followed up your statement with the words 'thats rich', I don't see that anyone here got the wrong end of the stick. Not from what you've said here. You vented, you didn't get what you wanted in response. I'm not sure what you were looking for, but I think the pp's aren't far wrong and its touched a nerve. If your cousin is making ridiculous comments about you constantly as you suggest above, then distance yourself from her drama and just let it go. 
                 
  • I also said I almost lost it in anger and laughter, everyone chose to focus on the anger part. 

    I'm not mad at her for the comment. If I got mad at her for every comment she made about me like this one, I'd have a goddamned ulcer. 

    Eta: spelling. 
    You made a 6 paragraph post about this issue and then have been defensive ever since.  If it's so eyeroll worthy to you, you wouldn't be here posting about it.  

    No one can understand what this means (or doesn't mean) to you or how it's 'funny' because we don't know your life or this situation.  We don't get why this 'drama' is "hilarious".  

    You definitely seem to be affected.  It's OK to have feelings about your cousin, if she's been supported through many fuck-ups and now is creating a kerfluffle about your wedding because the focus is being taken off her and put on you.  But I would advise against making this an issue at all.  Ignore her and anything anyone says to you about her and her feelings about your wedding. Unless she's trying to impact or impede your wedding planning (and if you're afraid she's going to do that, don't share any details with her), let.it.go.   She's clearly got some things she needs to work through that have nothing to do with you or your wedding. 
    Of course I have feelings about this situation with my cousin. I'm frustrated that she often tries to make everything about her. I'm frustrated that she takes advantage of my stroke-affected grandmother. I'm frustrated that she takes and doesn't give. 

    Yes, I posted a 6 paragraph post, mostly to try to describe the situation. I thought this was the board where we vented frustrations?

    I will ignore it and let it go, just like you've suggested. I was simply trying to get it off my chest rather than keep it in. I thought that was the healthy thing to do, and I got a lot of judgement for it. 

    @mrs.conn23 I do appreciate the suggestion to not share any planning details with her. Thanks. 
  • Don't post something on an open forum if you don't want comments. If something feels too personal to post don't post it!

  • Wow, yeah, you seem REALLY supportive of your cousin. 
  • I think people tend to confuse these forums as a support group instead of an advice group. Although people can be nice and supportive here, that's not their primary purpose, and no one's going to stop giving advice when someone just wants to vent/get it off their chest/whatever. 

    I keep seeing all these venting posts (and I've written one or two myself), which is fine. But then the OP expects people not to comment and try to be helpful, which is just not happening. It's not that they're being mean - it's just that no one's here to just support without giving feedback. That's the culture of the group. 
    While I completely agree with your statement that this forum is not a support group, I disagree with the bolded. Have you read some of the comments? Few posts are giving advice at all.

    CMGragain said:
    Wow, as I have seen in so many other posts, this group loves to jump on the OP with judgement. 

    Did is I say it was an issue? Did I say I was upset about it? No, I was trying to talk about my situation and all I got was judgement in return. I did mention my personal reaction, but no where in my post did I say I was mad,in fact I said I was not. I was simply venting the frustration that she was mad at me for being engaged. 

    My cousin's history has everything to do with the post, which is why I included it. Her history is part and parcel with the desires=entitlement part of being a recovering addict. She has always acted selfishly and I feel this is another selfish comment made by her in attempt to got something from someone. She historically plays on my grandmother's heartstrings and stroke brain to get money. And guess what? After their conversation, Gma bought her a phone card. 

    Thanks guys for the judgement. I can sure feel the love here. 


    You don't even know for sure what she said.  You weren't there.  All you have is second hand information conveyed to you by Grandma, who, you tell us, has had several strokes.
    This sounds very elementary school to me.  "I heard that she said....."

    YOU are complaining about judgement?  Look in the mirror!  I don't think you will see any love there.
    While you're correct, I have not heard it from her directly, past behaviour of an addict if the best and most accurate predictor of future behaviour. Thanks for your opinion, but I see plenty of love when I look in the mirror.

    Wow, yeah, you seem REALLY supportive of your cousin. 
    I have been and will continue to be supportive. I refuse to enable her or accept her bad behaviour as OK. There's a difference.



  • I'd like it if this thread died now. I clearly misinterpreted the purpose of this board, and now know what to expect when venting. @JediElizabeth is right, I thought this section would be more support-y but in reality it simply isn't. It's cool, I learned what to expect now.

    I fully plan on taking the constructive advice given of just ignoring it/letting it go to try to avoid further issues.
  • I'm only judging that you spelled judgment wrong. Relax, new kid. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Several of us here have backgrounds that involve working with individuals with/recovering from addictions as well as working with individuals who've had strokes.  I'm not sure what the OP's intent was here, to judge GM or the cousin and expect everyone to do a "you poor PPP" - give us some credit - not hearing what you want to hear doesn't equal bad advice!  We can only go by what you typed, not the "filtered out information" that only you are privy to... 

    Best advice is treat your cousin like you never heard word-one from GM!  That's not enabling nor resenting, it's taking a rumor as gospel - which typically ends REALLY badly!


  • edited February 2016
    I'd like it if this thread died now. I clearly misinterpreted the purpose of this board, and now know what to expect when venting. @JediElizabeth is right, I thought this section would be more support-y but in reality it simply isn't. It's cool, I learned what to expect now.

    I fully plan on taking the constructive advice given of just ignoring it/letting it go to try to avoid further issues.
    1. You don't get to tell people how to post. That's not how internet message boards work. 

    2. We're not a support group. We'll give you honest and real advice. 

    3. If you're acting like a shitty person, you'll get called out on it. 

    Yes, it's ridiculous that your cousin may be jealous of you getting married first. But you're getting yourself all worked up over second hand information. Maybe you grandmother misunderstood the situation. 

    The words you are writing about your cousin are not supportive, positive words. You clearly don't respect her and are judgmental about her life. And that's fine. Just OWN it. I have multiple family members that have addiction problems. I have a cousin that has been a drug addict for 20 years, and I no longer speak to her. And that is OK. I don't lie and pretend that we get along. Shit, she wasn't even invited to my wedding. 
  • I also said I almost lost it in anger and laughter, everyone chose to focus on the anger part. 

    I'm not mad at her for the comment. If I got mad at her for every comment she made about me like this one, I'd have a goddamned ulcer. 

    Eta: spelling. 
    You made a 6 paragraph post about this issue and then have been defensive ever since.  If it's so eyeroll worthy to you, you wouldn't be here posting about it.  

    No one can understand what this means (or doesn't mean) to you or how it's 'funny' because we don't know your life or this situation.  We don't get why this 'drama' is "hilarious".  

    You definitely seem to be affected.  It's OK to have feelings about your cousin, if she's been supported through many fuck-ups and now is creating a kerfluffle about your wedding because the focus is being taken off her and put on you.  But I would advise against making this an issue at all.  Ignore her and anything anyone says to you about her and her feelings about your wedding. Unless she's trying to impact or impede your wedding planning (and if you're afraid she's going to do that, don't share any details with her), let.it.go.   She's clearly got some things she needs to work through that have nothing to do with you or your wedding. 
    Of course I have feelings about this situation with my cousin. I'm frustrated that she often tries to make everything about her. I'm frustrated that she takes advantage of my stroke-affected grandmother. I'm frustrated that she takes and doesn't give. 

    Yes, I posted a 6 paragraph post, mostly to try to describe the situation. I thought this was the board where we vented frustrations?

    I will ignore it and let it go, just like you've suggested. I was simply trying to get it off my chest rather than keep it in. I thought that was the healthy thing to do, and I got a lot of judgement for it. 

    @mrs.conn23 I do appreciate the suggestion to not share any planning details with her. Thanks. 
    I just want to add that I think it is important and healthy to get stuff off your chest that is bugging you. I just think sometimes a public forum might not be the best outlet for it. What I usually do is write a letter to the person and get all my feelings out in the letter. I NEVER send the letter it's really more of something to help me get over it. usually when I re-read it I realize where I might be in the wrong too. Or even if I'm 100% right and should be totally hurt by this person getting it on paper helps me realize where there are areas I can actually work to improve my relationship with this person or if maybe it's just a relationship I need to let go. 

    It's hard hearing information second hand because you don't get all of the context. Try putting yourself in your cousin's shoes. If I wasn't married and got pregnant unplanned I'd probably be thinking I wish I was married and in a more stable position first. If I'm talking to my grandma who I'm close with about that and your wedding comes up I can see myself saying that I myself thought I'd be married first and be referring to the baby not before you. Perhaps your grandma got confused and rather than being upset at you she's upset with herself. 

    Obviously I don't know her whole situation and I obviously wasn't there when she talked to your grandma but that's an example of a situation where the same words could mean something completely different based off context. 
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  • I'm just going to throw my two cents in... my brother is alcoholic who has been in and out of rehab, in prison, etc., since he was about 16. It's very hard to deal with an addict of anything. I understand that. I know how tiring it can be to provide that constant support. That being said, I don't think it's very nice to talk about someone dealing with these things the way the OP has. I have vented about my brother, sure, but to family and friends, and not in a way that is mean-spirited, because I love him, and I wouldn't do that.

    It has also given me perspective on how to deal with others with addictions, especially those who are trying to heal. They can be a little selfish, they can say things that are hurtful because they're not healthy yet. My brother has said some mean things. We have told him they are mean.

    I understand the frustration, but I don't understand the meanness. And I think that, yes, this wasn't the best place to post about it in this way.





  • edited February 2016
    OK, grab some popcorn and get ready for this circus.

    My youngest cousin (23) is a recovering drug addict who got kicked out of rehab with her boyfriend and got knocked up shortly after. Our family has been super supportive of her and her new life situation, myself included. We are all really hoping that this pregnancy helps her turn her life around. So far so good.

    I was chatting with our Grandmother a couple of days ago and she asked me if I had talked to said cousin lately (we don't talk often, usually just at holidays). I said no, I hadn't heard much from her since our engagement. My grandma replies with "oh, I guess she's still upset" (Grandma has had several strokes and sometimes says things she is supposed to keep secret)

    I, of course, ask her what she could possibly be upset at me about. To which Grandma replies: "Oh, well I think she wanted to be the first to be married"

    I almost lost it, in both anger and laughter. WTF? She's mad at me for being engaged? That's rich. I laughed out loud and asked my Grandma why on earth she felt entitled to be the first one to be married. Grandma didn't know.

    I am the oldest of all the grandchildren (not that it really matters), with a stable career, my own house etc. She is a recovering addict who really still needs to work on herself, but now is bringing a child into this world. My family have been nothing but supportive, yet she is mad at me?

    Ridiculous. I mean I really don't care who gets married first, and I'm not mad at her for having the first great-grandchild, why is she mad at me?
    You weren't there when cousin said this and haven't spoken to her since this, so you really don't know her real feelings on your engagement or the context of the statement.  I've heard my sister, who is 4 years younger than me, state that she expected/wanted to the be the first to get married and she was jealous when I got engaged first.  But, she wasn't angry about it.  There were no real hard feelings about it.  I'd say to give her a call and find out from her how she feels.  Maybe the whole thing is being taken out of context or over exaggerated.  Maybe she made a simple statement about being jealous that her life isn't at that spot yet, not meaning any real animosity toward you.

    While you're correct, I have not heard it from her directly, past behaviour of an addict if the best and most accurate predictor of future behaviour. Thanks for your opinion, but I see plenty of love when I look in the mirror.

    If she really is in recovery and getting her life together, like you claim she is, it's not really fair of you to judge every statement and action of hers based on her life when she was using.  Behavior when using can be completely different than behavior while sober. In your initial post, you stated that "Our family has been super supportive of her and her new life situation, myself included."... making statements that past behavior is best predictor of future behavior doesn't sound very supportive to me.  Constantly holding someone's mistakes over there head isn't support.

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  • MesmrEwe said:

    Several of us here have backgrounds that involve working with individuals with/recovering from addictions as well as working with individuals who've had strokes.  I'm not sure what the OP's intent was here, to judge GM or the cousin and expect everyone to do a "you poor PPP" - give us some credit - not hearing what you want to hear doesn't equal bad advice!  We can only go by what you typed, not the "filtered out information" that only you are privy to... 

    Best advice is treat your cousin like you never heard word-one from GM!  That's not enabling nor resenting, it's taking a rumor as gospel - which typically ends REALLY badly!


    My intention was neither to judge my cousin nor my GM. I was looking for advice from a third party individual as to how to handle this.  Should I ask her if she is upset? I would rather clear the air, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject. I care about her well-being; mental and physical health, especially since she is pregnant. I don't want her to be upset, but I also don't want to upset her by asking.

    I just want to add that I think it is important and healthy to get stuff off your chest that is bugging you. I just think sometimes a public forum might not be the best outlet for it. What I usually do is write a letter to the person and get all my feelings out in the letter. I NEVER send the letter it's really more of something to help me get over it. usually when I re-read it I realize where I might be in the wrong too. Or even if I'm 100% right and should be totally hurt by this person getting it on paper helps me realize where there are areas I can actually work to improve my relationship with this person or if maybe it's just a relationship I need to let go. 

    It's hard hearing information second hand because you don't get all of the context. Try putting yourself in your cousin's shoes. If I wasn't married and got pregnant unplanned I'd probably be thinking I wish I was married and in a more stable position first. If I'm talking to my grandma who I'm close with about that and your wedding comes up I can see myself saying that I myself thought I'd be married first and be referring to the baby not before you. Perhaps your grandma got confused and rather than being upset at you she's upset with herself. 

    Obviously I don't know her whole situation and I obviously wasn't there when she talked to your grandma but that's an example of a situation where the same words could mean something completely different based off context. 
    You're right, the public forum wasn't the right place, but it was one of my few options. Nearly everyone I know that I could ask for advice about this scenario knows something about the situation and could not be impartial. Thanks for your perspective, It's not always easy to think of these things when you're involved in the situation, which was one of the reasons for my post.

    My post may have sounded bitchy and judgy, but that's the nature of the internet. Many of your read way to far into my "tone" which you can't accurately decipher on the internet. C'est la vie. 



  • "My intention was neither to judge my cousin nor my GM. I was looking for advice from a third party individual as to how to handle this.  Should I ask her if she is upset? I would rather clear the air, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject. I care about her well-being; mental and physical health, especially since she is pregnant. I don't want her to be upset, but I also don't want to upset her by asking."

    Ugh - BOXES
    You can simply check in with her and ask how she is.  Don't bring up wedding stuff or ask if she's mad.  Just be supportive by asking (sincerely) how she's doing.
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