Cousin jealous of my wedding?!

glasgowtolondon

JediElizabeth said:

randomslove said:

...

I understand the frustration, but I don't understand the meanness. And I think that, yes, this wasn't the best place to post about it in this way.

Honestly, this probably was the best place for her to post - not because she'd get the warm response she wanted, but because she didn't. Could you imagine if people on WW told her it was a good idea to confront her cousin about it? Or if she had gone to family first and started a big fuss based on rumors, when there's already enough stress in her cousin's life?

JMHO, I think OP's earlier response that, "I will ignore it and let it go, just like you've suggested," shows that this was the right forum. Even if it wasn't as pleasant for her as she wanted it to be, she got good advice instead of coddling, which is probably a win.

Everything @JediElizabeth said. Not everyone gets the response they want - 9/10 if I ask someones opinion on something I want them to tell me I'm right. Thats not healthy. Better to hear the (sometimes ugly) truth on an anonymous internet forum that potentially ruin relationships IRL. Sometimes we all just need a reality check.

TrixieJess

mrs.conn23 said:

  Oldie but goodie:

I need to post several of these on my office door.

princessleia22

kayteekay85 said:

MesmrEwe said:

Several of us here have backgrounds that involve working with individuals with/recovering from addictions as well as working with individuals who've had strokes.  I'm not sure what the OP's intent was here, to judge GM or the cousin and expect everyone to do a "you poor PPP" - give us some credit - not hearing what you want to hear doesn't equal bad advice!  We can only go by what you typed, not the "filtered out information" that only you are privy to... 

Best advice is treat your cousin like you never heard word-one from GM!  That's not enabling nor resenting, it's taking a rumor as gospel - which typically ends REALLY badly!

My intention was neither to judge my cousin nor my GM. I was looking for advice from a third party individual as to how to handle this.  Should I ask her if she is upset? I would rather clear the air, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject. I care about her well-being; mental and physical health, especially since she is pregnant. I don't want her to be upset, but I also don't want to upset her by asking.

marriedhamstermom said:

I just want to add that I think it is important and healthy to get stuff off your chest that is bugging you. I just think sometimes a public forum might not be the best outlet for it. What I usually do is write a letter to the person and get all my feelings out in the letter. I NEVER send the letter it's really more of something to help me get over it. usually when I re-read it I realize where I might be in the wrong too. Or even if I'm 100% right and should be totally hurt by this person getting it on paper helps me realize where there are areas I can actually work to improve my relationship with this person or if maybe it's just a relationship I need to let go. 

It's hard hearing information second hand because you don't get all of the context. Try putting yourself in your cousin's shoes. If I wasn't married and got pregnant unplanned I'd probably be thinking I wish I was married and in a more stable position first. If I'm talking to my grandma who I'm close with about that and your wedding comes up I can see myself saying that I myself thought I'd be married first and be referring to the baby not before you. Perhaps your grandma got confused and rather than being upset at you she's upset with herself. 

Obviously I don't know her whole situation and I obviously wasn't there when she talked to your grandma but that's an example of a situation where the same words could mean something completely different based off context. 

You're right, the public forum wasn't the right place, but it was one of my few options. Nearly everyone I know that I could ask for advice about this scenario knows something about the situation and could not be impartial. Thanks for your perspective, It's not always easy to think of these things when you're involved in the situation, which was one of the reasons for my post.

My post may have sounded bitchy and judgy, but that's the nature of the internet. Many of your read way to far into my "tone" which you can't accurately decipher on the internet. C'est la vie. 

I don't know that you should ask her about it... it kind of puts grandma under the bus that she said something to you.  But, if you are worried about there being bad feelings or even just about cousin's well being, it wouldn't hurt to call her and just chat.  Ask her how the pregnancy is going and how life is going in general.  You will be able to get a sense over how she feels about you from her reaction.  But, call to see how she is doing, how the pregnancy is going, how excited she is about the baby... make it about her, not you.  If she hangs up on you, then you can probably assume that she's mad. 

themosthappy91

kayteekay85 said:

My intention was neither to judge my cousin nor my GM. I was looking for advice from a third party individual as to how to handle this.  Should I ask her if she is upset? I would rather clear the air, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject. I care about her well-being; mental and physical health, especially since she is pregnant. I don't want her to be upset, but I also don't want to upset her by asking.

I'm sorry OP but this is literally one of the worst cases of backpedaling that I have ever seen on these boards (and a LOT of backpedaling happens here). 

Your intention clearly was to judge your cousin! For Christ's sake, you started your post with "grab some popcorn and get ready for this circus." You used the term "knocked up" to describe her pregnancy, which many posters on here (myself included) have a negative reaction to because it's clearly got negative and judgmental connotations. You called her selfish, entitled, and someone who "really needs to work on herself"- all of which may be true, but those are JUDGMENTS. Stop trying to act like you're this caring person who just wants advice when you clearly came on here to be bitchy about your cousin- which again, may be totally warranted, but obviously posters here did not really take your part.

As for the idea you weren't upset about it, you clearly said you "almost lost it in anger"- and if that part hadn't been true or relevant to your story, you wouldn't have included it. Don't act like everyone here is making some crazy leap to assume someone who seeks out a forum they do not regularly participate in, posts a lengthy personal story on said forum and LITERALLY SELF-DESCRIBES THEIR EMOTIONAL STATE AS ANGER is, in fact, angry or upset about something.

And BTW since you want all the posters here to have some sort of magical ability to infer from your snarky, judge-y and clearly angry post that really you just care about your cousin and want advice how to work things out with her, maybe you could give them the same grain (or mountain) of salt you came here expecting and infer that they aren't trying to be mean or rude- they're just trying to advise you by making you see how unpleasant you came across here and rethink how you present yourself.

Ugh, done. This post just really irked me. 

lnixon8

Just want to add that people are allowed to be jealous. Sounds like your cousins was just venting to your grandmother. She's not sabotaging you, shes not trying to ruin your wedding or talking bad about you. In your grandmothers own words she was upset. And that is ok.

A few months before I got engaged one of my friends got engaged on my birthday. I was very happy for her but i'm SURE i said something along the lines to both my Mom and Grandmother that "I thought if someone would be getting engaged on my birthday it would be me" no hard feelings, no drama but yeah, I was jealous.

mollybarker11

Your grandmother said "I guess she's upset" and "I think she wanted to be the first to be married" and somehow out of that you heard "she's mad at you"????? Upset doesn't always mean mad, and wanting something doesn't always mean being jealous of those who have it.

My advice is as follows:
- don't jump to conclusions
- don't interpret off-hand comments as personal slights
- don't ask your cousin if she's mad at / jealous of you because:
1. that would be a betrayal of your grandmother who accidentally told her secret and
2. I think you misunderstood her comments, so it'd be embarrassing for you

I second @princessleia22's advice. If you want a better relationship with your cousin, call and chat. Ask how she's feeling (in general, not about your wedding).