Ghosted by Bridesmaid

Knottie1439487487

I got engaged in August and have asked my sister and a few close friends to be bridesmaids. One of my bridesmaids has completely disappeared since then. We live in separate states and our relationship has definitely changed since I moved away, but I've maintained great relationships with all of my other friends. She won't return phone calls or text messages for weeks at a time, and when she does text me back it's always a Buzzfeed article. This isn't about needing her to do things for the wedding, she only needs to show up. I also get that people's lives get busy but I truly don't feel like we have much of a friendship anymore. I've talked to her about this a few times, and her response is always "I love you even if we don't talk much." I feel like caring about someone and being an active friend are two different things. 

I know that asking someone to step down from a bridal party is like putting the nail in the friendship coffin, I also know that I want the people who are closest to me to stand by my side and I feel like she and I barely know each other anymore. I need some Knottie-Insight! 

jacques27

Relationships ebb and flow.  Sometimes you're in constant contact with each other and sometimes life intervenes.  Sometimes relationships change as everything else around you changes and makes you busier (relationships, jobs, living circumstances, babies, etc.), but that doesn't make you any less friends.  My grandmother had friends she wouldn't see for four or five years.  They would talk on the phone once or twice a year and when they would visit, it was like they were school girls again.  I have friends or friendly acquaintances who I talk to nearly daily.  We text each other fairly frequently.  I'm not certain that if certain factors change (I change jobs, move away, etc.) that all of these people so active in my life will remain that way.  Some will, but some won't and if they fade away, they fade away.  I also have friends who I talk to maybe three or four times a year, and I consider them my dearest "know all my secrets" and I would come rescue you at three in the morning friends.  I consider them to be closer friends than the ones so active in my life right now.  I also have friends who we were super-active in each others lives, we then lost touch and faded out as our life circumstances changed, and then we reconnected later and are now somewhere in between.


I guess what I'm saying is that relationships change and evolve and not all relationships have to be exactly the same as the others.  If you want to define friendship by how active she is in your life at this particular moment in time, then go ahead but life is long (hopefully) and I think that's pretty short-sighted.  If you kick her out, you're effectively ending that friendship for something that is one day.

Jen4948

I'd just leave it alone.  As you note, as long as she shows up on time, sober, and in good spirits at your wedding in the designated attire, goes up and down the aisle with you, and poses for some photos, she's fulfilling her duty as a bridesmaid.  If she doesn't do that, then she'll have taken herself out of the wedding party.

You're correct that asking her to step down from your wedding party would be a friendship-ending move, so if you want to retain this person as a friend, you can't ask her to step down from the wedding party.  You need to just wait until the wedding day.  If she does take herself out of the wedding party, then you don't need to consider her a friend anymore, let alone one of the people nearest and dearest to you.

Yes, it would be nice if you heard from her more often, but being in constant communication with the bride, while a nice gesture on a bridesmaid's part, isn't a requirement. 

But this is part of why we advise holding off until six to eight months before the wedding before choosing wedding party members, because the closeness of relationships may change before then. 

I know you haven't said when your wedding date is or how soon before it you asked your bridesmaid to be in your wedding party, and that relationships can also change in the six to eight months before a wedding.  But this timeline for choosing bridesmaids can be a useful gauge for determining who your nearest and dearest are.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1439487487 said:

I got engaged in August and have asked my sister and a few close friends to be bridesmaids. One of my bridesmaids has completely disappeared since then. We live in separate states and our relationship has definitely changed since I moved away, but I've maintained great relationships with all of my other friends. She won't return phone calls or text messages for weeks at a time, and when she does text me back it's always a Buzzfeed article. This isn't about needing her to do things for the wedding, she only needs to show up. I also get that people's lives get busy but I truly don't feel like we have much of a friendship anymore. I've talked to her about this a few times, and her response is always "I love you even if we don't talk much." I feel like caring about someone and being an active friend are two different things. 

I know that asking someone to step down from a bridal party is like putting the nail in the friendship coffin, I also know that I want the people who are closest to me to stand by my side and I feel like she and I barely know each other anymore. I need some Knottie-Insight! 

When is your wedding?   When you talk to her, is it about wedding stuff or your friendship in general? 

I know I've had times when I was like your friend.  One in particular was when I was balancing 3 part time jobs and getting over a breakup.   I hardly talked to anyone. 

Perhaps she's going through a rough patch;  give her time. 

Knottie1439487487

holyguacamole79 said:

When is your wedding?   When you talk to her, is it about wedding stuff or your friendship in general? 

I know I've had times when I was like your friend.  One in particular was when I was balancing 3 part time jobs and getting over a breakup.   I hardly talked to anyone. 

Perhaps she's going through a rough patch;  give her time. 

Our wedding is in October, so I definitely breached the 6-8 month timeline for asking bridesmaids. She was "my person" before I moved, we would talk almost every day and see each other a couple of times a week. She started going through a rough patch before I moved (about a year and a half ago) and that's when our relationship started to shift somewhat. She's in a really bad relationship and I know she's just unhappy with where she is right now. While I was home over Christmas, she told me she's used hard drugs recently and that completely shocked me, it's so out of character for her. She's been struggling for a while now and I feel as though I've been waiting for her to come around again. I'm being selfish in wanting her to be her normal self again. I do care for her and that's why I asked her to be in the wedding, the strain on our friendship has increased since asking her and that's what's difficult for me. 

I try not to talk to her about the wedding or my relationship in general because I don't want to seem baggy when things aren't good for her. She's definitely going through a rough patch and has been for a while, I'm just not sure where our friendship is going to land through all of this. 

downtondiva

Your heart is in the right place, OP, and I'm glad to see you're more concerned about your friend than your wedding. That being said, I think for now, you need to give her some space. She's going through a rough patch for sure, and sometimes, it's when people need their friends the most that they have the hardest time talking to them. Your friend may be embarrassed about the drug use or the fact that she's in a bad relationship, and she may not be ready to talk about any of it with you. And yes, the subject of your wedding may be something she's a little afraid to address right now in any way, so that could also be contributing to her silence. 

Give her some time and space to work out whatever she needs to work out, and check back in with her to see how she's doing when the wedding gets a little closer. If at any point she wants to talk about what's going on with her, let her, but don't force it. And keep in mind, as I think you have been, this is about a friendship, not a wedding.

holyguacamole79

Knottie1439487487 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

When is your wedding?   When you talk to her, is it about wedding stuff or your friendship in general? 

I know I've had times when I was like your friend.  One in particular was when I was balancing 3 part time jobs and getting over a breakup.   I hardly talked to anyone. 

Perhaps she's going through a rough patch;  give her time. 

Our wedding is in October, so I definitely breached the 6-8 month timeline for asking bridesmaids. She was "my person" before I moved, we would talk almost every day and see each other a couple of times a week. She started going through a rough patch before I moved (about a year and a half ago) and that's when our relationship started to shift somewhat. She's in a really bad relationship and I know she's just unhappy with where she is right now. While I was home over Christmas, she told me she's used hard drugs recently and that completely shocked me, it's so out of character for her. She's been struggling for a while now and I feel as though I've been waiting for her to come around again. I'm being selfish in wanting her to be her normal self again. I do care for her and that's why I asked her to be in the wedding, the strain on our friendship has increased since asking her and that's what's difficult for me. 

I try not to talk to her about the wedding or my relationship in general because I don't want to seem baggy when things aren't good for her. She's definitely going through a rough patch and has been for a while, I'm just not sure where our friendship is going to land through all of this. 

Wow,  I can see how hard this is for both of you.   Regarding the bolded ....Do you think that your asking her directly played a role in her change?

Just keep being there for her.   Is there someone else that lives in the same area who knows about this?   I wouldn't disclose information, but perhaps if you know that  a mutual friend is also aware, you can stay connected and at least know if she is okay. 

Jen4948

Knottie1439487487 said:

holyguacamole79 said:

When is your wedding?   When you talk to her, is it about wedding stuff or your friendship in general? 

I know I've had times when I was like your friend.  One in particular was when I was balancing 3 part time jobs and getting over a breakup.   I hardly talked to anyone. 

Perhaps she's going through a rough patch;  give her time. 

Our wedding is in October, so I definitely breached the 6-8 month timeline for asking bridesmaids. She was "my person" before I moved, we would talk almost every day and see each other a couple of times a week. She started going through a rough patch before I moved (about a year and a half ago) and that's when our relationship started to shift somewhat. She's in a really bad relationship and I know she's just unhappy with where she is right now. While I was home over Christmas, she told me she's used hard drugs recently and that completely shocked me, it's so out of character for her. She's been struggling for a while now and I feel as though I've been waiting for her to come around again. I'm being selfish in wanting her to be her normal self again. I do care for her and that's why I asked her to be in the wedding, the strain on our friendship has increased since asking her and that's what's difficult for me. 

I try not to talk to her about the wedding or my relationship in general because I don't want to seem baggy when things aren't good for her. She's definitely going through a rough patch and has been for a while, I'm just not sure where our friendship is going to land through all of this. 

I'd just be patient with your friend since she's going through so much.  Hopefully she'll be in a better place in her life in the not too distant future.  If she needs to talk to you in order to get there about non-wedding-related things, I would make myself available if that's a possibility for you (but of course, don't get so involved that your own life gets out of balance).

spockforprez

OP, I really feel your pain. I am having the same issue with my MOH and it's really hurtful. I don't care about the wedding stuff at all, I just wish we were better friends the way that we used to be/I want to be. Unfortunately she seems like she's just not that into me (ha) anymore, and I can't force it.

I do think there is some truth to the whole "pick up where you left off" thing - I have several friendships like that. My MOH isn't one of them, probably because we have only been friends a few years vs. 15+ years like my middle school friends.

The bridesmaid/MOH thing just serves to increase the pain from the distance because you know that your wedding party should reflect the people you are closest to and when it doesn't, it feels strained and awkward. I totally get it.

Just keep reaching out to her as often as your own mental/emotional health will allow for (it's hard to keep getting rejected over and over) and make sure to keep the wedding talk to a minimum. If it's just a valley in the friendship, your good faith efforts will be appreciated when you're close again. If the friendship dies after the wedding, at least you know you were a good friend to her. 

Good luck! 

drunkenwitch

OP, you sound like a loving and caring friend. You mentioned she's in a bad relationship?  My thoughts is maybe she feels ashamed to talk to you right now. I pulled back from my friends during and after tbe abusive relationship I was in because I felt a lot of embarrassment and shame. It took me a long time to talk about it and thankfully my friends hung in there for me and were supportive when I did finally reach out and start talking.

Don't give up in her, keep the lines of communication open, if she breaks away from this she'll need friends. Good luck.

SP29

Be patient, and be there for her best you can.

Perhaps she feels pressured by having accepted the BM role (her perceived pressure, not yours), and thinks she's supposed to be doing more and feeling bad about it. 

I would stay away from the wedding talk, and keep talking to her as a friend. Perhaps schedule a phone date just to chat. This is what me and my best friend did when we both lived far away (different time zones too)- literally scheduled a date and time to talk, or else it wouldn't happen. 

I moved away from my hometown (far away) for 4 years, and have since moved back. When I left "home" I had a small group of friends, most of whom I am still friends with, but similar to others, we each have separate groups of friends and we don't talk all the time. I also have my group of friends that I made when I moved, and while I have known them less, I still feel very close to them- but again, since I cannot physically see them, we don't talk as much. Even when we lived near these friends, we were never big on the phone or internet communication, we did a lot of getting together in person, so now that that is not there, it is definitely harder! I try and make a point of at least checking in with a simple text once a month with my friends that are far away. 

You mentioned too that your friend often sends you silly links instead of actually communicating- try to accept these for what they are, her thinking about you and reaching out (better than not connecting at all!). Maybe with all the stuff going on in her life she doesn't know what else to say? 

charlotte989875

So I was in a position that sounds similar to your friend. In a bad relationship, drinking way too much, and generally making really bad life choices. My friends and family hated my then-BF and I knew it, but at the time I just couldn't get myself out. I was embarrassed to talk about it so I didn't keep in touch with my friends. That was the time I needed them most but there was no way I could explain that. Don't get up on your friend. I know it's hard to be on the other side of that but try and be patient with her. 

climbingsingle

When I'm going through a rough time, I tend to isolate myself until I work things out. It's nothing against anyone, it's just the way I deal with things. Maybe your friend is experiencing something similar. Your heart is in the right place. Just give her time, and maybe things will come back to where they used to be. Reach out to her when you can to let her know you're there for her. 

ThxSugar

I have a friend that went threw a hard time long ago and we were pen pals. He still has postcards I sent him 15ish years ago. I know that they helped him because he tells me. It was nice to know someone was thinking of him and rooting for him without having to Talk about anything. 
Keep reaching out OP. Send her funny buzzfeed things, or flowers, or poop emojis. There is nothing better when you are down than to know you are cared for. Repeated rejection is hard but if you care for her, and it sounds like you do, don't give up on her. She will talk when she is ready.

Knottie1439487487

charlotte989875 said:

So I was in a position that sounds similar to your friend. In a bad relationship, drinking way too much, and generally making really bad life choices. My friends and family hated my then-BF and I knew it, but at the time I just couldn't get myself out. I was embarrassed to talk about it so I didn't keep in touch with my friends. That was the time I needed them most but there was no way I could explain that. Don't get up on your friend. I know it's hard to be on the other side of that but try and be patient with her. 

Thank you for this! 

Knottie1439487487

ThxSugar said:

I have a friend that went threw a hard time long ago and we were pen pals. He still has postcards I sent him 15ish years ago. I know that they helped him because he tells me. It was nice to know someone was thinking of him and rooting for him without having to Talk about anything. 
Keep reaching out OP. Send her funny buzzfeed things, or flowers, or poop emojis. There is nothing better when you are down than to know you are cared for. Repeated rejection is hard but if you care for her, and it sounds like you do, don't give up on her. She will talk when she is ready.

This is a really great idea. I've got some cutesie little cards I can send. It always lifts my hear when I get sail mail so hopefully it lifts hers