I'm TORN over this, please help.

madamerwin

The more I think about this situation, the more I think FI is straight-up afraid of his ex/best friend and/or he is a HUGE pushover. The OP states that FI tried multiple times to defend her, even getting into a fight with BSC friend at one point. Obviously BSC friend's behavior does bother FI to some extent, but he is ineffective at making it stop.

OP, FI needs to break off this friendship, ASAP. BSC friend is toxic. If he refuses to do that, then I agree with other posters that you seriously need to reconsider your relationship. I mean, WHY would your FI want to be friends with someone who is so clearly unstable, at the expense of your relationship? It makes no sense.

[Deleted User]

First of all, thank you guys for all the support and advice!

I think you're getting a tiny, and unfair, snapshot of my fiance here because when I wrote this, I wasn't concentrated on his actions and was instead concentrated on hers.

We have been to couple's counseling about this, and he has admitted that it was wrong of him not to sever the friendship after it happened. He also admitted he was wrong for not talking to her and telling her she needed to respect me. He has said that he was so angry after it initially happened he didn't want to talk to her at all - and then a couple months later she contacted him like nothing was wrong so he just didn't bring it up. We've talked extensively about this. 

I also told him that he needs to sit down with her and tell her what she did was wrong, and how she's been acting toward me is wrong. He agreed to do this in the next month and his point is that if she apologizes (which she likely will not do) she should be able to come to the wedding. But if she doesn't, then he agrees the friendship is over.

My FI is a wonderful man, I think that saying I need cancel our wedding over this one incident is a little too trigger happy. Maybe I should have broken up with him after that incident, but that was 2 years ago, and no one is perfect. 

I'm really torn over trying to be a nice person and accept her apology, should she decide to give one, or just cut her off based on her past without thinking twice. 

whoabethers

If someone apologizes, you are not under any obligation to accept the apology. I'm guessing even if she does apologize, it won't really be sincere. If I were you, I still wouldn't want her at the wedding!

100yroldblinddog

carmella2016 said:

First of all, thank you guys for all the support and advice!

I think you're getting a tiny, and unfair, snapshot of my fiance here because when I wrote this, I wasn't concentrated on his actions and was instead concentrated on hers.

We have been to couple's counseling about this, and he has admitted that it was wrong of him not to sever the friendship after it happened. He also admitted he was wrong for not talking to her and telling her she needed to respect me. He has said that he was so angry after it initially happened he didn't want to talk to her at all - and then a couple months later she contacted him like nothing was wrong so he just didn't bring it up. We've talked extensively about this. 

I also told him that he needs to sit down with her and tell her what she did was wrong, and how she's been acting toward me is wrong. He agreed to do this in the next month and his point is that if she apologizes (which she likely will not do) she should be able to come to the wedding. But if she doesn't, then he agrees the friendship is over.

My FI is a wonderful man, I think that saying I need cancel our wedding over this one incident is a little too trigger happy. Maybe I should have broken up with him after that incident, but that was 2 years ago, and no one is perfect. 

I'm really torn over trying to be a nice person and accept her apology, should she decide to give one, or just cut her off based on her past without thinking twice. 

Nope nope nope. I feel like she's shown her true colors repeatedly. Don't feel obligated to be respectful to someone who isn't respectful of you.

madamerwin

Glad to hear you have been to counseling for this issue!

So, H and I had a friend who was similarly shitty (incidentally, H's first girlfriend in high school, who I became good friends with after H and I got together). Se was never quite as outwardly batshit crazy as your FI's friend, but she was nonetheless a toxic person to be around. After catching her in MANY lies that she denied despite extensive evidence, we decided it was not worth our trouble to maintain a friendship. The trust was gone.

Every couple of months, she reaches out to us and pretends nothing ever happened. We know she will never acknowledge her lies or apologize for hurting us, and even if she did, we would never just accept it and let things go "back to normal". We generally ignore her texts or reply in single-word answers. I am glad your FI recognizes that friend needs to apologize, but I think you are 100% justified in not wanting her at your wedding, whether she apologizes or not.

Out of curiosity, do you know why this awful-sounding friendship is so important to FI?

[Deleted User]

The friendship is important to him because they were very close for the 4 years before he met me. She was his best friend - and she never did any of this crazy stuff before she met me. Granted, he didn't date anyone significant in those 4 years so who knows. He admits she's always been a little rough around the edges and aggressive, but he liked her ability to tell the truth and be straightforward.

madamerwin

carmella2016 said:

The friendship is important to him because they were very close for the 4 years before he met me. She was his best friend - and she never did any of this crazy stuff before she met me. Granted, he didn't date anyone significant in those 4 years so who knows. He admits she's always been a little rough around the edges and aggressive, but he liked her ability to tell the truth and be straightforward.

Sounds a little like our old friend - abrasive. I get wanting to hang on to people who were important to you (general) at some point in your life, but people change and sometimes friendships run their course. I hope your FI comes to realize that his relationship with this woman will not be healthy for your marriage.

themosthappy91

carmella2016 said:

First of all, thank you guys for all the support and advice!

I think you're getting a tiny, and unfair, snapshot of my fiance here because when I wrote this, I wasn't concentrated on his actions and was instead concentrated on hers.

We have been to couple's counseling about this, and he has admitted that it was wrong of him not to sever the friendship after it happened. He also admitted he was wrong for not talking to her and telling her she needed to respect me. He has said that he was so angry after it initially happened he didn't want to talk to her at all - and then a couple months later she contacted him like nothing was wrong so he just didn't bring it up. We've talked extensively about this. 

I also told him that he needs to sit down with her and tell her what she did was wrong, and how she's been acting toward me is wrong. He agreed to do this in the next month and his point is that if she apologizes (which she likely will not do) she should be able to come to the wedding. But if she doesn't, then he agrees the friendship is over.

My FI is a wonderful man, I think that saying I need cancel our wedding over this one incident is a little too trigger happy. Maybe I should have broken up with him after that incident, but that was 2 years ago, and no one is perfect. 

I'm really torn over trying to be a nice person and accept her apology, should she decide to give one, or just cut her off based on her past without thinking twice. 

Thanks for coming back and offering more info, OP. It's great to know he really has owned up to a lot of the mistakes he made in handling this.

I guess my question is, why do either of you (him especially, because I think you are being more realistic about this) think a coerced apology from her that he basically has to sit down and demand is going to make her a person who is worthy of keeping as a friend?

To me, it sounds like he is using this as a crutch- he's not ready to cut her out, and more than that, he doesn't get why she deserves to be cut out, if he thinks a good solution is "let's ask her to a give a lip-service, insincere apology and then we can invite her to the wedding and she will magically stop getting drunk and being really aggressive and inappropriate to my FI/wife." It's crazy to act like one apology that she doesn't even initiate herself is going to change literally anything about her actions. 

I really think you need to put your foot down and make him see that no amount of her apologizing is going to make you okay with what she's done and so she needs to be out of your life. She's done more than enough to warrant that response. 

whoabethers

I know his past friendship with her has been important to him, but at the end of the day, his relationship with you should be more important than his friendship with her. 

photokitty

If he didn't end the friendship after coming to those realizations in couple's therapy, then he values her presence in his life over you IMO. I'm sorry, but I would be concerned that he still had feelings for her. If he isn't willing to completely sever the friendship, I would put the wedding on hold.

mntravelingmama

Your fiancé acts like he's about two.  And the ex-girlfriend is no better.  Apparently he is unable to put you first, and that is a deal breaker.  RUN.

climbingsingle

It's great to hear that you guys have been to counseling and have discussed this. However, your FI should not be putting you in this position. This person has already caused issues in your relationship. The fact that he'd even entertain the idea of inviting her to your wedding is baffling to me. 

LondonLisa

carmella2016 said:

First of all, thank you guys for all the support and advice!

I think you're getting a tiny, and unfair, snapshot of my fiance here because when I wrote this, I wasn't concentrated on his actions and was instead concentrated on hers.

We have been to couple's counseling about this, and he has admitted that it was wrong of him not to sever the friendship after it happened. He also admitted he was wrong for not talking to her and telling her she needed to respect me. He has said that he was so angry after it initially happened he didn't want to talk to her at all - and then a couple months later she contacted him like nothing was wrong so he just didn't bring it up. We've talked extensively about this. 

I also told him that he needs to sit down with her and tell her what she did was wrong, and how she's been acting toward me is wrong. He agreed to do this in the next month and his point is that if she apologizes (which she likely will not do) she should be able to come to the wedding. But if she doesn't, then he agrees the friendship is over.

My FI is a wonderful man, I think that saying I need cancel our wedding over this one incident is a little too trigger happy. Maybe I should have broken up with him after that incident, but that was 2 years ago, and no one is perfect. 

I'm really torn over trying to be a nice person and accept her apology, should she decide to give one, or just cut her off based on her past without thinking twice. 

If you have been to couples counselling about this person and he still wants to invite her, I stand by my original post. I'm sorry, it's hard to recognise that the people we love aren't exactly who we think they are. The fact remains that he doesn't want to sever the friendship. This is worse now that I hear you have had counselling about it. 

Your fi fi is not a wonderful man. A wonderful man would have cut this person out day 1 (even just a sane man would do that). 

I know it's scary to think of letting go of someone you think is wonderful. But after all the therapy, discussions and actions, he still wants to invite her: he chose her over you. It sounds harsh, but we can only judge people on their actions. His actions have always been about making situations less awkward for him or not rocking the boat. His actions have never been about your feelings. 

I wouldnt be surprised if he was saying 2 different things to you both: "you have to apologise or Carmella won't let me invite you!" This faux apology is his way of having both of you in his life. He chose her over your feelings. I'm sorry, it's rubbish, but he is not a wonderful man by any definition. 

His actions over and over say that keeping this friend is more important than your feelings. He may be ineffectual and weak rather than malicious, but her actions were a campaign of nastiness. If his reaction isn't "Bye, Felicia", you need to have more self-respect. You don't deserve to be treated this terribly by your fi and his friend. I really think you need to take a break from this guy. Marriage doesn't change people, and he has shown that he and she are a package deal. I'm sure he says otherwise, but any action short of cutting this person out is not enough. All you can do now is see if you are willing to put up with it. I sure couldn't live life coming second.

ScottishSarah

My FI had an ex GF who became a very good friend to him but she was absolutely horrid to me.  He had no idea of this at all, as she made her nasty jealous comments when he wasn't around.  When I finally said how this woman treated me and how it made me feel, he dropped her like a ton of bricks.  We both haven't seen her in years.

 Sorry I don't know how helpful this is to you but please stand your ground, speak to FI about this and do not invite this women to your wedding.  

jenna8984

carmella2016 said:

First of all, thank you guys for all the support and advice!

I think you're getting a tiny, and unfair, snapshot of my fiance here because when I wrote this, I wasn't concentrated on his actions and was instead concentrated on hers.

We have been to couple's counseling about this, and he has admitted that it was wrong of him not to sever the friendship after it happened. He also admitted he was wrong for not talking to her and telling her she needed to respect me. He has said that he was so angry after it initially happened he didn't want to talk to her at all - and then a couple months later she contacted him like nothing was wrong so he just didn't bring it up. We've talked extensively about this. 

Actions speak louder than words. He admitted something was wrong....but then did nothing to fix it. "Oh I should really do this...but I'm not going to, I'm just going to ignore it for a few months and pretend it didn't happen." That's not ok.

He needs to understand that friendships change. Doesn't matter if you've been friends for 20 years, your spouse now comes first.

TrixieJess

Here's the thing, my FI has many girlfriends, he gets along better with girls than guys. A couple of them were wary when we started dated, we are not "besties" by any stretch of the imagination but we all respect everyone. If one of them were to do or say just one of the things that this "friend" has done, he would drop them in a minute. And these are women he has been friends with for over 20 years. 

Keep going to counselling. I would also suggest maybe a few sessions on your own. You need someone who will stand with you.

nerdwife

LondonLisa said:

carmella2016 said:

First of all, thank you guys for all the support and advice!

I think you're getting a tiny, and unfair, snapshot of my fiance here because when I wrote this, I wasn't concentrated on his actions and was instead concentrated on hers.

We have been to couple's counseling about this, and he has admitted that it was wrong of him not to sever the friendship after it happened. He also admitted he was wrong for not talking to her and telling her she needed to respect me. He has said that he was so angry after it initially happened he didn't want to talk to her at all - and then a couple months later she contacted him like nothing was wrong so he just didn't bring it up. We've talked extensively about this. 

I also told him that he needs to sit down with her and tell her what she did was wrong, and how she's been acting toward me is wrong. He agreed to do this in the next month and his point is that if she apologizes (which she likely will not do) she should be able to come to the wedding. But if she doesn't, then he agrees the friendship is over.

My FI is a wonderful man, I think that saying I need cancel our wedding over this one incident is a little too trigger happy. Maybe I should have broken up with him after that incident, but that was 2 years ago, and no one is perfect. 

I'm really torn over trying to be a nice person and accept her apology, should she decide to give one, or just cut her off based on her past without thinking twice. 

If you have been to couples counselling about this person and he still wants to invite her, I stand by my original post. I'm sorry, it's hard to recognise that the people we love aren't exactly who we think they are. The fact remains that he doesn't want to sever the friendship. This is worse now that I hear you have had counselling about it. 

Your fi fi is not a wonderful man. A wonderful man would have cut this person out day 1 (even just a sane man would do that). 

I know it's scary to think of letting go of someone you think is wonderful. But after all the therapy, discussions and actions, he still wants to invite her: he chose her over you. It sounds harsh, but we can only judge people on their actions. His actions have always been about making situations less awkward for him or not rocking the boat. His actions have never been about your feelings. 

I wouldnt be surprised if he was saying 2 different things to you both: "you have to apologise or Carmella won't let me invite you!" This faux apology is his way of having both of you in his life. He chose her over your feelings. I'm sorry, it's rubbish, but he is not a wonderful man by any definition. 

His actions over and over say that keeping this friend is more important than your feelings. He may be ineffectual and weak rather than malicious, but her actions were a campaign of nastiness. If his reaction isn't "Bye, Felicia", you need to have more self-respect. You don't deserve to be treated this terribly by your fi and his friend. I really think you need to take a break from this guy. Marriage doesn't change people, and he has shown that he and she are a package deal. I'm sure he says otherwise, but any action short of cutting this person out is not enough. All you can do now is see if you are willing to put up with it. I sure couldn't live life coming second.

This, like a million times over. It's nice that you went to couples counseling and you were able to tell him how you feel about his friend. It's not so nice that he continues to be her friend. I mean, doesn't the fact that you have to use therapy sessions to talk about this person say enough? I've gone to plenty of therapists in my life, and the only person I've ever spent this much energy discussing is a family member who I cannot make vanish from my life.

The solution here was simple: FI says BYEEEE to this crazy woman who treats his life partner like trash. The fact that this is an ongoing discussion/negotiation between the two of you is deeply unsettling.

I hope - and I think we all hope - that you really, really read all of these responses and think long and hard about this, instead of just automatically defending him and your relationship.

APDSS22

madamerwin said:

carmella2016 said:

The friendship is important to him because they were very close for the 4 years before he met me. She was his best friend - and she never did any of this crazy stuff before she met me. Granted, he didn't date anyone significant in those 4 years so who knows. He admits she's always been a little rough around the edges and aggressive, but he liked her ability to tell the truth and be straightforward.

Sounds a little like our old friend - abrasive. I get wanting to hang on to people who were important to you (general) at some point in your life, but people change and sometimes friendships run their course. I hope your FI comes to realize that his relationship with this woman will not be healthy for your marriage.

OP, I'm sure she is not the only person who can tell him things in a straightforward manner. Heck, most of the regs here specialize in that tone of communication. He needs to let this friendship go, for everyone's sake. You certainly deserve better from a life partner.

MyNameIsNot

I really appreciate that you came back with the update/follow up. It's easy to see this kind of response and to dismiss it or just leave the forum. 

That said, I don't think the update makes it any better. In fact, I think it makes it worse. With the original post, it was possible to conclude that just he didn't get it. Knowing that he's gone through counseling and admitted that he should have severed the relationship means he knows that he is doing the wrong thing, and doesn't care.

I'm not sure if he's putting her first, or putting his selfish desire to avoid an uncomfortable conversation first, but you don't come first. And that means he's not a wonderful man. He's an asshole. 

I would not marry him unless this woman is cut from his life, and he makes some pretty dramatic changes to show that you come first. At the very least, I would put the wedding on hold and get back to counselling, but I'm not sure it really helps if he'll admit he should do things and then just not do them. 

banana468

MyNameIsNot said:

I really appreciate that you came back with the update/follow up. It's easy to see this kind of response and to dismiss it or just leave the forum. 

That said, I don't think the update makes it any better. In fact, I think it makes it worse. With the original post, it was possible to conclude that just he didn't get it. Knowing that he's gone through counseling and admitted that he should have severed the relationship means he knows that he is doing the wrong thing, and doesn't care.

I'm not sure if he's putting her first, or putting his selfish desire to avoid an uncomfortable conversation first, but you don't come first. And that means he's not a wonderful man. He's an asshole. 

I would not marry him unless this woman is cut from his life, and he makes some pretty dramatic changes to show that you come first. At the very least, I would put the wedding on hold and get back to counselling, but I'm not sure it really helps if he'll admit he should do things and then just not do them. 

This.

I'm married to someone who hates confrontation, has plenty of female friends and who doesn't want to create conflict.   

I'm going to tell a story:    DH and I were friends for years before we started dating.   Before we did date, we went through that standard progression of flirting back and forth waiting for one of us to make the first move.   One weekend when I was feeling particularly confident, DH and his friends moved into a house.   I offered to help all of them move as a friend.   That day, another female friend of DH's (Gretchen) came to help.  Gretchen and I had a bit of a past and I knew she was a shit stirrer.   She was also a bitch and I didn't trust her.   I knew that she had flirted with DH in the past.   One thing lead to another that night and I finally made the first move with DH and the rest as they say is history.

Fast forward about 3 months and Gretchen is moving.   DH says, "Hey she's moving and I told her I'd help her."   I said, "OK cool.   I'll go with you and help her.   Let's let the past be water under the bridge."

He tells her this and her response was that she wanted JUST HIM.   We were in a new relationship and he felt guilty telling me he was still going to do it.   But we had time together the night before he drove up to her place and said we'd have time together later that weekend.   I was pissed that he still went but understood that he made the commitment for labor and nothing else.   Halfway on his hour drive, she called him and said that they were done but she'd still like to hang out.

He took the next exit off the highway and turned around.   Because his commitment was to helping a friend move and not to hanging out with someone who wanted to exclude his GF.    It reaffirmed my belief that she was a manipulative wench and that I couldn't trust her at all.  She pulled other stunts with him with her verbal diarrhea.   And what happened?   They stopped talking.   The friendship fizzled.    We're now married with two kids.

I'm not saying my husband is perfect.   He's FAR FROM IT.   But when he had the choice to try to stay buddy buddy with someone who was being crappy to me or to stay with me, he chose me.   He didn't need to make a big show of it.   He just didn't initiate any part of the friendship.

Your FI is a turd.   He knows that this is an issue.   It's been brought to his attention in therapy.   He's aware that it's a major issue.   And his solution is to invite the person who wants to be the upper decker in your relationship toilet?  Eff that.

He doesn't need to make a public show of not inviting her.   He simply needs to not invite her.    That tells her where she stands.    If he insists on inviting her then that tells you where YOU stand.     

I don't know about you but I'm not a fan of someone stinking up my relationship. 

VicTim328

This woman should not have alcohol around you (not that she should ever be around you again). 

When she drinks, she is determined to embarrass you in front of your FI and others.  She is "fine" with you when she is sober and FI isn't around.  For some reason, she is doing this to devalue you in front of your FI and add more value to herself.... though it doesn't work. 

I'm glad to hear you are going to counseling, but your FI needs to put on his big girl panties and officially break up with her. Doesn't matter that there is a
"friend group."  My philosophy has always been that if a relationship (friendship or familial) cannot exist exclusively of other relationships, a relationship doesn't actually exist.  These "friends" have witnessed her behavior and shouldn't question why she isn't invited. 

[Deleted User]

I've broken up with friends before and still remained in the same 'friend group' with them.  I wasn't going to make my common friends choose between us, so I was still civil with the person, but we were no longer friends.

lnixon8

banana468 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

I really appreciate that you came back with the update/follow up. It's easy to see this kind of response and to dismiss it or just leave the forum. 

That said, I don't think the update makes it any better. In fact, I think it makes it worse. With the original post, it was possible to conclude that just he didn't get it. Knowing that he's gone through counseling and admitted that he should have severed the relationship means he knows that he is doing the wrong thing, and doesn't care.

I'm not sure if he's putting her first, or putting his selfish desire to avoid an uncomfortable conversation first, but you don't come first. And that means he's not a wonderful man. He's an asshole. 

I would not marry him unless this woman is cut from his life, and he makes some pretty dramatic changes to show that you come first. At the very least, I would put the wedding on hold and get back to counselling, but I'm not sure it really helps if he'll admit he should do things and then just not do them. 

This.

I'm married to someone who hates confrontation, has plenty of female friends and who doesn't want to create conflict.   

I'm going to tell a story:    DH and I were friends for years before we started dating.   Before we did date, we went through that standard progression of flirting back and forth waiting for one of us to make the first move.   One weekend when I was feeling particularly confident, DH and his friends moved into a house.   I offered to help all of them move as a friend.   That day, another female friend of DH's (Gretchen) came to help.  Gretchen and I had a bit of a past and I knew she was a shit stirrer.   She was also a bitch and I didn't trust her.   I knew that she had flirted with DH in the past.   One thing lead to another that night and I finally made the first move with DH and the rest as they say is history.

Fast forward about 3 months and Gretchen is moving.   DH says, "Hey she's moving and I told her I'd help her."   I said, "OK cool.   I'll go with you and help her.   Let's let the past be water under the bridge."

He tells her this and her response was that she wanted JUST HIM.   We were in a new relationship and he felt guilty telling me he was still going to do it.   But we had time together the night before he drove up to her place and said we'd have time together later that weekend.   I was pissed that he still went but understood that he made the commitment for labor and nothing else.   Halfway on his hour drive, she called him and said that they were done but she'd still like to hang out.

He took the next exit off the highway and turned around.   Because his commitment was to helping a friend move and not to hanging out with someone who wanted to exclude his GF.    It reaffirmed my belief that she was a manipulative wench and that I couldn't trust her at all.  She pulled other stunts with him with her verbal diarrhea.   And what happened?   They stopped talking.   The friendship fizzled.    We're now married with two kids.

I'm not saying my husband is perfect.   He's FAR FROM IT.   But when he had the choice to try to stay buddy buddy with someone who was being crappy to me or to stay with me, he chose me.   He didn't need to make a big show of it.   He just didn't initiate any part of the friendship.

Your FI is a turd.   He knows that this is an issue.   It's been brought to his attention in therapy.   He's aware that it's a major issue.   And his solution is to invite the person who wants to be the upper decker in your relationship toilet?  Eff that.

He doesn't need to make a public show of not inviting her.   He simply needs to not invite her.    That tells her where she stands.    If he insists on inviting her then that tells you where YOU stand.     

I don't know about you but I'm not a fan of someone stinking up my relationship. 



SITB

Banana I love the bolded

banana468

@lnixon8, thank you!   

OliveOilsMom

OP - I'm with everyone else on this.  I think its almost worse that you have been to counseling, FI knows this woman is bad news, yet keeps her around.  He HAS to end the friendship.  He can try this:

"BSC BFF, we have been through so much in our friendship over x years.  But I can no longer continue it due to your repeated treatment of my FI.  You have never apologized to her for all that you have done to her.  I can no longer stand by and let that happen.  I know that we will see each other from time to time and FI and I will continue to be cordial, we hope you can be too.  But from now on, please don't contact me or FI.  I do wish you nothing but the best in the future."  If she tries to ask why, get in a debate about it or anything else.  FI just needs to repeat "I'm sorry if you don't like this, but this is how its going to be."  Conversation done.  He needs to at least do this over the phone, no texting or emailing.

SoldiersMom

@LondonLisa said it all.

PrettyGirlLost

nerdwife said:

carmella2016 said:

Long story, but I'll try for brevity.

- My fiance dated a girl probably 4 years ago for a couple months. They slept together, but decided they'd be better as friends. For the next couple years, they became "best friends."

-When I was first introduced to her, she was very nice to me. I didn't have a problem with her at all...UNTIL he decided to invite her to go with us on my first trip to meet his family. It was a 12 hour drive, and a week long trip, and I felt like it should be MY moment...not a moment where he brought an ex-girlfriend/best friend.

-The first day, we all got along great. The problem was that my fiance wasn't being great about involving us both in activities with his family and she and I felt a little excluded. We bonded over this. That afternoon, I told him I was uncomfortable and he apologized to me. He and I decided to take a nap.

-At this point, she FREAKED OUT. I mean went nuts. This is a drunk woman in her mid-thirties. She started screaming at me in a kitchen full of his family, saying 
"I can't believe you're going to leave me alone with these people." I left in tears and told my fiance then went to go take a shower. In the middle of my shower, she burst in, ripped open the curtain, and started screaming at me again about "tattling on her" to my fiance. For the next couple days she remained drunk and hostile and decided to fly home early.

-She and my fiance decided to completely ignore this incident without any apology to me and continued their friendship.

-A few months later, she got drunk and started screaming at me in a bar about something rather embarrassing about me that someone had let slip to her. My fiance and friends tried to defend me, but I left in tears.

-At a wedding with her, when I was on my cell phone, she grabbed my phone from me and told me she wasn't going to give it back to me for the rest of the night because I was "texting like a child."

-At one point, my fiance got in a fight with her because he thought she should be treating me better.  She asked me to dinner and bought me a beer, and we talked for about 5 minutes about the conflicts, but she didn't apologize.

-Whenever we are in any situation together, everyone (not just my friends) ask me why she's always so aggressive to me.

HERE'S THE DILEMMA:

Understandably (I think) I'm fed up with this woman. We've been cordial to each other recently, so it's not like I've taken a huge step to cut her out of my life. 1. Because I try to avoid conflict, to a fault and 2. Because I'm trying to give her a chance because my fiance really likes her.

But here's the thing. I DON'T WANT HER AT MY WEDDING. My fiance does. He insists that if we don't invite her, it will be severing the friendship, and this will be uncomfortable because we have a friend group in common. She never got a Save the Date so it wouldn't be breaking etiquette not to invite her.

What do you guys think I should do? I'm really torn up over this. On the one hand, it probably wouldn't be a big deal if she came to the wedding. I probably wouldn't even talk to her. On the other hand, I'm devastated that my fiance doesn't care how horribly she's treated me, and I just want her GONE.

HELP!

I think you should ask yourself if you want to marry someone who continues to be friends with someone who treats his partner like garbage.

And who clearly still has feelings for him that he also refuses to address. 

Your FI is being a spineless weeny.  He needs to have a come to Jesus talk with this woman, and tell her in no uncertain terms that their romantic relationship is over, they will never be anything more than friends, and that he won't even maintain the friendship unless she stops acting like such a fucking nasty, crazypants to you, his future wife.

And you need to have a come to Jesus talk with your FI about him knocking the weeny act off and having a come to Jesus talk with crazypants.

carmella2016 said:

The friendship is important to him because they were very close for the 4 years before he met me. She was his best friend - and she never did any of this crazy stuff before she met me. Granted, he didn't date anyone significant in those 4 years so who knows. He admits she's always been a little rough around the edges and aggressive, but he liked her ability to tell the truth and be straightforward.

This just strengthens my suspicion.  If she was actually ok with just being friends with your FI, I don't think she'd act this way towards you. 

crys-crys

Mu husband had a close female friend when we started dating. She said and did many inappropriate things and my husband kept making excuses. It caused us issues. He finally realized that she was toxic and when he was ready to propose, he decided he couldn't keep her in his life if she couldn't respect me. We haven't seen her for years now and we are better for it.  

Knottie05232939

OP to answer your question.... NO!! Do not allow that woman access to booze and a chance to grab a mic in front of everyone you know...

But as any smart woman does, compromise....Invite her... Then call her up a few weeks before and start a huge fight with her so she doesn't come.... Just saying... ;-)

All jokes aside though if your FI can't understand why after everything that has happened, you might want to really think about this. It would be a different story, if it were your own jealousy issues, but she is crazy. You don't need that extra stress on your wedding day! Good Luck!

AddieCake

This is a no-brainier to me. This woman has been horrible to you, your fiancé should have severed the friendship long ago and didn't, and now he wants her at the wedding and to continue being friends with her?

No. Just.....no. She should not be invited, and you should be having a serious conversation with your fiancé about why this is even happening right now.