MOH/BM

Knottie2017523

I am getting married in July, and when I asked my girls (She will be to be in my wedding party in September I had recently had a falling out with my best friend (a falling out that lasted about 8 months, but now we are back and it's like nothing ever happened). I am also very close to her younger sister (she will be A) so I asked her to be my MOH since she was my closest friend at that time. Well not that the wedding planning is closer, the younger sister is engrossed in school and has an internship all summer (I am not upset about this, she just found out a couple weeks ago about the internship-school comes first). Well, B is 110% on board with helping, she is driving up to see me (7 hours from our home) to help with a bunch of planning stuff and to go shopping, girl time, etc. I cannot get A to return my texts, messages, calls for days/weeks at a time. I am starting to feel upset about how this is going, A promised me she can still handle being my MOH, but I feel her sister, B is filling that role more. Should I make B MOH as well? 

The rest of my BP is a friend from college, a friend from HS, and my 2 younger sisters. My mom said my middle sister would of loved to be my MOH but since she is 15 I felt she was a little young. 

I just don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt any feelings. B and I have always been closer than A and I. But when I asked them months ago, B and I were not talking a whole lot because of the fight we were having, so I felt that if we could not even communicate this far in advance that there was no way we would be able too closer to my wedding, but we resolved our issues and now she is full board helping without me asking anything of her. 

MyNameIsNot

Knottie2017523 said:

I am getting married in July, and when I asked my girls (She will be to be in my wedding party in September I had recently had a falling out with my best friend (a falling out that lasted about 8 months, but now we are back and it's like nothing ever happened). I am also very close to her younger sister (she will be A) so I asked her to be my MOH since she was my closest friend at that time. Well not that the wedding planning is closer, the younger sister is engrossed in school and has an internship all summer (I am not upset about this, she just found out a couple weeks ago about the internship-school comes first). Well, B is 110% on board with helping, she is driving up to see me (7 hours from our home) to help with a bunch of planning stuff and to go shopping, girl time, etc. I cannot get A to return my texts, messages, calls for days/weeks at a time. I am starting to feel upset about how this is going, A promised me she can still handle being my MOH, but I feel her sister, B is filling that role more. Should I make B MOH as well? 

The rest of my BP is a friend from college, a friend from HS, and my 2 younger sisters. My mom said my middle sister would of loved to be my MOH but since she is 15 I felt she was a little young. 

I just don't want to step on anyone's toes or hurt any feelings. B and I have always been closer than A and I. But when I asked them months ago, B and I were not talking a whole lot because of the fight we were having, so I felt that if we could not even communicate this far in advance that there was no way we would be able too closer to my wedding, but we resolved our issues and now she is full board helping without me asking anything of her. 

The only job or duty of the MOH (or any of the BMs) is to walk up and down the aisle, in the agreed upon attire, and smile for pictures. There is absolutely no reason that a job or internship or life should interfere with being able to do that (unless it means she can't come to the wedding). There is nothing wedding related that you need to talk to them about now, and nothing either of them should be doing.

You chose to ask A because of a fight with your BFF (and for some reason you think a 15 year old can't handle standing next to you.) You cannot now go about kicking people out or reassigning them without risking ending the friendships.

How do you think A would react if you said "A, I asked you to be my MOH because you were my closest friend at the time, but now that B and I have patched things up, I remember that you're really just second place."  You can sugar coat it all you want, but that's what you'd be saying.  

Leave it alone. 

lembaslover

How old are you? I feel like adults don't have 8 month fights and then everything just goes back to just like it was before. I also feel like adults don't add a MOH because their current one isn't doing enough for them or not pick someone to be MOH because you don't feel like they are old enough. 

If you do make your friend MOH "A" is probably going to feel pretty used. She was a good enough replacement when you weren't speaking to her sister but now you've got the person you actually wanted. 

Grow up, you made your choice now live with it. That's great that your friend now wants to help you but it's totally not required. If you want to honor her ask her to do a reading or just take her out to lunch and tell her how much it means that she's back in your life. 

[Deleted User]

I am contemplating asking my 9 year old goddaughter to be my MOH, so age is not an issue.  Nine year olds can walk down an aisle in a pretty dress just as well as a 35 year old.

And you can't shuffle names and honors now because relationships have changed.  You've asked your bridal party, you're done.  Invite other guests as guests, take special pictures with your closest friends, and be done with it.  Don't risk ruining another friendship for 8 months because of something preventable.

Knottie2017523

Maybe I didn't clarify enough. I am not going to ask A to step down, I am debating about asking B to be a MOH as well. She was actually saying due to her internship she may only be present for the wedding, but she is not sure yet. They are planning my bridal shower within the next month because of us all being across the place for school, and so we are doing it over our spring breaks which just happen to fall at the same time. 

Both of my sisters are standing up with me as BM, but my mom said that the oldest of the 2 would of loved to be MOH as well but I felt with her being 15, my mom would be doing everything for her and I don't believe she would be comfortable giving a speech/toast. 

Something in our fight was diminished, so yes our friendship is practically back to how it was. We both decided to just forgive and forget the past and to move on, so we did and it worked. 

MyNameIsNot

Knottie2017523 said:

Maybe I didn't clarify enough. I am not going to ask A to step down, I am debating about asking B to be a MOH as well. She was actually saying due to her internship she may only be present for the wedding, but she is not sure yet. They are planning my bridal shower within the next month because of us all being across the place for school, and so we are doing it over our spring breaks which just happen to fall at the same time. 

Both of my sisters are standing up with me as BM, but my mom said that the oldest of the 2 would of loved to be MOH as well but I felt with her being 15, my mom would be doing everything for her and I don't believe she would be comfortable giving a speech/toast. 

Something in our fight was diminished, so yes our friendship is practically back to how it was. We both decided to just forgive and forget the past and to move on, so we did and it worked. 

Maybe I didn't clarify enough.

All they have to do is show up for the wedding.

Moving around titles is hurtful.

Leave it alone. 

[Deleted User]

MyNameIsNot said:

Knottie2017523 said:

Maybe I didn't clarify enough. I am not going to ask A to step down, I am debating about asking B to be a MOH as well. She was actually saying due to her internship she may only be present for the wedding, but she is not sure yet. They are planning my bridal shower within the next month because of us all being across the place for school, and so we are doing it over our spring breaks which just happen to fall at the same time. 

Both of my sisters are standing up with me as BM, but my mom said that the oldest of the 2 would of loved to be MOH as well but I felt with her being 15, my mom would be doing everything for her and I don't believe she would be comfortable giving a speech/toast. 

Something in our fight was diminished, so yes our friendship is practically back to how it was. We both decided to just forgive and forget the past and to move on, so we did and it worked. 

Maybe I didn't clarify enough.

All they have to do is show up for the wedding.

Moving around titles is hurtful.

Leave it alone. 

Exactly this.  I said above that I'm contemplating asking a 9 year old to be my Maid of Honor.  She will obviously not be throwing me a shower or bachelorette party.  She will certainly not be giving a toast (I mean unless she wants to.)  Someone who is throwing you a party does not have to automatically be an MOH rather than a 'regular' bridesmaid, so don't change titles.  In fact, these two ladies may still have offered to throw a shower for you even if you had asked neither of them to stand up in your wedding at all.  Let things happen, don't change anything.  Leave it alone.

SP29

You ask people to be in your WP because you wish to honour them, not based on how much they can do for you, what they can afford, or where they live.

If you had asked both originally, there is nothing wrong with 2 MOHs, but at this point, I think it would be hurtful to A to "promote" B to MOH when you had not asked her in the first place. While I think it is great you and B have rekindled your friendship, I also think it's potentially hurtful to B as it comes off as, "well NOW you're stepping up, be my MOH too!". 

Even if that's not what you are intending, let things be as they are. 

A is not required to do anything for you except show up the day of, in the agreed upon attire. She doesn't even have to give a toast. If you had asked your sister to be MOH (but this is YOUR choice, not your moms), she wouldn't have to give a toast either, nor plan any parties. She would be the one standing beside you when you get married, maybe hold your bouquet. 

In the same vein, friends who are not in your WP may offer to help you with WP- that is awesome! 

I have two friends who were not in my WP who helped one of my BMs throw me a bachelorette party. My MOH lived OOT- she did not attend this, or have any input in it (and why would she!). At the time, my BM and I were very close, but 2 years later, I am closer to those friends than my BM. Relationships ebb and flow. It's OK. 

When my MOH got married, she didn't have a WP. Myself and some other close friends still threw her a wedding shower and had a bacchelorette party, because we wanted to, and were able to.