Gay Weddings

Inviting FW's xW -- nervous

My FW is trans*, and while this will be her third marriage, it will be her first as a woman. She has a 6-year-old daughter from her second marriage. Her D lives out of state with her xW and her new H, so we haven't met yet. I've talked to her on FaceTime and on the phone, and FW and I send letters, cards, and packages. XW has always been pleasant to me, but her relationship with FW can be contentious. FW pays child support faithfully, calls and FaceTimes consistently, and visits a few times a year. 

I'm delighted at the possibility of finally meeting my stepdaughter face to face, but I worry about repercussions for my FW. I'm totally on board with inviting the xW and her H; any suggestions for how to make the process easier on all involved.

Re: Inviting FW's xW -- nervous

  • What does your FI think about inviting her? Are you going to get to meet your future stepdaughter before the day of the wedding? I would think that finding some more private time to do that would be important. Honestly outside of saying "thank you" to them for coming to the wedding you and your FI don't have to have a lot of interaction during the wedding. 
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    OurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    My FI wants to invite her as well; she's the one who brought it up. I agreed.

    I'd like it if they came early so we could have some private time to meet and get to know each other.
  • If they are able to be in the local area earlier than the wedding maybe an informal meet up like going out for pizza or ice cream would help to break the ice with your future SD. Nothing too formal or pressurised. Unless your FI's ex wife needs to be there for the duration of meeting beforehand you guys probably won't have a whole lot of situations in which you really have to spend time together. So that part hopefully won't be stressful for you, I'd focus on meeting your FI's daughter. FI needs to speak to her ex to work out the details. 

    I'm curious though, what kind of repercussions are you worried about?
                 
    OurWildKingdom
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    I, too, am curious about these repercussions. Is the ex going to be upset about this marriage for some reason? Use the child as a pawn somehow?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    OurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    AddieCake said:
    I, too, am curious about these repercussions. Is the ex going to be upset about this marriage for some reason? Use the child as a pawn somehow?
    That's exactly what I worry about: my future SD being used as a pawn. 
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    If they are able to be in the local area earlier than the wedding maybe an informal meet up like going out for pizza or ice cream would help to break the ice with your future SD. Nothing too formal or pressurised. Unless your FI's ex wife needs to be there for the duration of meeting beforehand you guys probably won't have a whole lot of situations in which you really have to spend time together. So that part hopefully won't be stressful for you, I'd focus on meeting your FI's daughter. FI needs to speak to her ex to work out the details. 

    I'm curious though, what kind of repercussions are you worried about?
    I'm all for a low-key meetup before the wedding to help break the ice.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
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    And you think that's going to happen if you meet her? I'm confused. You're getting married. If the ex is going to use the daughter as a pawn, she is going to do that regardless. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    glasgowtolondon
  • If the ex wife if going to use your SD as a pawn there isn't really much you can do about that except to try not to stoop to that level. I certainly wouldn't stop planning any meet ups or hold back on trying to build a relationship with this little girl on the chance that your fears are realised. You never know, people can surprise you - I have my fingers crossed for you.
                 
    OurWildKingdom
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216
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    edited February 2016
    Just an update: first week of April, the two of us are going south to visit with FMIL and take care of some business that FW has there, so we may have an opportunity to visit with future SD as well!  :)

    This will also be my first time meeting FMIL. We talk on the phone and Facebook regularly, and we get along very well. 
    glasgowtolondonfyrchkkimmiinthemittenJen4948
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