Brother Wants His Daughter to be Flower Girl

anidorikiladra

My brother has asked me a few times if his daughter can be our flower girl. I have said to him that we are not having a flower girl or ring bearer, and he's being super pushy about it. He even said "you would look at your 7 year old niece and say she can't be involved? It would break her little heart".

 I'm pretty sure they told her she would be the flower girl even though I never suggested it. I'm just frustrated and need to rant. Is it just me or is it super rude of him to be asking this?

For the record, we aren't allowed flower petals at our ceremony location because it's a historical building and is a museum part of the time. So we never considered it. Should I say anything other than "sorry brother, but we are not having a flower girl"?
I feel bad letting her down but it just seems easier to not have one. Is there another way I can involve her to make her feel special? 

artbyallie

anidorikiladra said:

My brother has asked me a few times if his daughter can be our flower girl. I have said to him that we are not having a flower girl or ring bearer, and he's being super pushy about it. He even said "you would look at your 7 year old niece and say she can't be involved? It would break her little heart".

 I'm pretty sure they told her she would be the flower girl even though I never suggested it. I'm just frustrated and need to rant. Is it just me or is it super rude of him to be asking this?

For the record, we aren't allowed flower petals at our ceremony location because it's a historical building and is a museum part of the time. So we never considered it. Should I say anything other than "sorry brother, but we are not having a flower girl"?
I feel bad letting her down but it just seems easier to not have one. Is there another way I can involve her to make her feel special? 

While she doesn't have to actually toss petals to be a flower girl (she could carry a bouquet/nosegay or whatever), you are also not obligated to have her in the wedding at all. Acceptable roles for her are bridesmaid, flower girl, or reader (if she is capable and confident enough to read in public; I was at that age but not every child is). If you do not want to have her in any of those capacities, then she is not in the wedding. She can be in family pictures if you so desire. No bullshit jobs that a basket or table is capable of performing (i.e. programs, guestbook).

redoryx

To be clear, YOU didn't let her down. If your brother took it upon himself to tell her she'd be a flower girl that's entirely on him and it was incredibly rude of him to both do that and then be super pushy to get her in the wedding. If you don't want a FG you don't have to have one and if anyone is in the wrong here, it's him. 

anidorikiladra

artbyallie said:

anidorikiladra said:

My brother has asked me a few times if his daughter can be our flower girl. I have said to him that we are not having a flower girl or ring bearer, and he's being super pushy about it. He even said "you would look at your 7 year old niece and say she can't be involved? It would break her little heart".

 I'm pretty sure they told her she would be the flower girl even though I never suggested it. I'm just frustrated and need to rant. Is it just me or is it super rude of him to be asking this?

For the record, we aren't allowed flower petals at our ceremony location because it's a historical building and is a museum part of the time. So we never considered it. Should I say anything other than "sorry brother, but we are not having a flower girl"?
I feel bad letting her down but it just seems easier to not have one. Is there another way I can involve her to make her feel special? 

While she doesn't have to actually toss petals to be a flower girl (she could carry a bouquet/nosegay or whatever), you are also not obligated to have her in the wedding at all. Acceptable roles for her are bridesmaid, flower girl, or reader (if she is capable and confident enough to read in public; I was at that age but not every child is). If you do not want to have her in any of those capacities, then she is not in the wedding. She can be in family pictures if you so desire. No bullshit jobs that a basket or table is capable of performing (i.e. programs, guestbook).

I've already picked my bridesmaids so that is out, and she is too young to be a reader. Sounds like there isn't really a way to involve her so I will keep telling my brother no. Thanks for the suggestions! I also think being in family photos should be enough... He is blaming his pushiness on "well you know little girls..." Like all little girls want to be in someone's wedding and wear a pretty dress. She can still wear a pretty dress, she just won't be in the wedding party. 

anidorikiladra

redoryx said:

To be clear, YOU didn't let her down. If your brother took it upon himself to tell her she'd be a flower girl that's entirely on him and it was incredibly rude of him to both do that and then be super pushy to get her in the wedding. If you don't want a FG you don't have to have one and if anyone is in the wrong here, it's him. 

Thanks for this, that was my thought but I wanted to check. I would never force my "hypothetical, future" child to be in someone's wedding, ugh. 

downtondiva

You aren't doing anything wrong. It's not like you told your niece she could be a flower girl and then reneged on that promise. Your brother is completely in the wrong here. He should not be trying to dictate your wedding party, and if he did indeed tell his daughter she'd be in your wedding, that was unfair both to her and to you. Stand your ground on this, and if your brother has caused your niece to think she's the flower girl, then he has to be the one to explain to her that she isn't and take responsibility. 

If you are inviting your niece to the wedding, that is enough. You're not obligated to do anything else to make her feel "special." 

Jen4948

If you don't want your niece as a flower girl and never said anything to indicate that you did, then you haven't done anything wrong.  

You can say to your brother, "Bro, I am not having your daughter as a flower girl.  While I'm sorry for any disappointment you or she may feel about that, I never told her or anyone else I was going to ask her. Please stop trying to push me into this."

holyguacamole79

I think you're definitely in the right here.  I'd still like to echo PP and say that we also were not able to toss petals at our venue.   The flower girls walked in with flowers in a small basket.

MesmrEwe

We weren't allowed to toss petals or anything of the sort at the church we married because of too many couples being slobs and not cleaning up after themselves they were banned..  We did have my niece as a FG though and offered to let my nephew be a RB but my Bro/SIL decided he was too young to, which is o.k.!

The PP have covered it that you're under ZERO obligation to have your niece as the FG.  The question of "are there any residual strings you need to consider" - is Grandma/pa going to step in and say "you really should have niece as FG" if they're helping to pay.  Also, the diplomacy factor for the long haul (will you regret in 10 years NOT having had a FG, is an extra toss size bouquet worth the family dynamic type questions)..  Through all that, again, you aren't obligated to have one if you don't want one!

anidorikiladra

MesmrEwe said:

We weren't allowed to toss petals or anything of the sort at the church we married because of too many couples being slobs and not cleaning up after themselves they were banned..  We did have my niece as a FG though and offered to let my nephew be a RB but my Bro/SIL decided he was too young to, which is o.k.!

The PP have covered it that you're under ZERO obligation to have your niece as the FG.  The question of "are there any residual strings you need to consider" - is Grandma/pa going to step in and say "you really should have niece as FG" if they're helping to pay.  Also, the diplomacy factor for the long haul (will you regret in 10 years NOT having had a FG, is an extra toss size bouquet worth the family dynamic type questions)..  Through all that, again, you aren't obligated to have one if you don't want one!

Luckily we are paying so that shouldn't be a factor. Would it be dumb to have her as an honourary flower girl just to appease my brother? I think they just want the title to be honest and are framing it as "every little girl wants to be a flower girl". I do have three other unmarried sisters though, so I'm sure she could get a chance in one of their weddings. 

glasgowtolondon

Don't give someone an honorary title, its bullshit. Either have her in the wedding or don't. As pp's have said, you are under no obligation to include her. Your brother can get her a beautiful white dress to wear as a guest if that is what is important. When is your wedding? If it's 6months away or longer you have time to think it through, the idea might grow on you. 

[Deleted User]

When I was 4 I was a flower girl for my cousin's wedding, and a couple years later her sister got engaged and I assumed I would be a flower girl for her wedding as well.  My mom sat me down and explained that I was too old and they had chosen my cousin (6 months younger than me) and her little sister.  Was I disappointed?  Sure.  Heartbroken?  No, I got over it pretty fast.

Sounds like your brother got her pumped to be a flower girl, and now is trying to pass the buck with being the one to disappoint her.  Also, this is how you get entitled adults, when you raise kids sheltering them from all disappointment and making other adults alter their lives In order to achieve that.

side note: don't give excuses.  I knew at 6 that "too old" was total BS.

artbyallie

anidorikiladra said:

artbyallie said:

anidorikiladra said:

My brother has asked me a few times if his daughter can be our flower girl. I have said to him that we are not having a flower girl or ring bearer, and he's being super pushy about it. He even said "you would look at your 7 year old niece and say she can't be involved? It would break her little heart".

 I'm pretty sure they told her she would be the flower girl even though I never suggested it. I'm just frustrated and need to rant. Is it just me or is it super rude of him to be asking this?

For the record, we aren't allowed flower petals at our ceremony location because it's a historical building and is a museum part of the time. So we never considered it. Should I say anything other than "sorry brother, but we are not having a flower girl"?
I feel bad letting her down but it just seems easier to not have one. Is there another way I can involve her to make her feel special? 

While she doesn't have to actually toss petals to be a flower girl (she could carry a bouquet/nosegay or whatever), you are also not obligated to have her in the wedding at all. Acceptable roles for her are bridesmaid, flower girl, or reader (if she is capable and confident enough to read in public; I was at that age but not every child is). If you do not want to have her in any of those capacities, then she is not in the wedding. She can be in family pictures if you so desire. No bullshit jobs that a basket or table is capable of performing (i.e. programs, guestbook).

I've already picked my bridesmaids so that is out, and she is too young to be a reader. Sounds like there isn't really a way to involve her so I will keep telling my brother no. Thanks for the suggestions! I also think being in family photos should be enough... He is blaming his pushiness on "well you know little girls..." Like all little girls want to be in someone's wedding and wear a pretty dress. She can still wear a pretty dress, she just won't be in the wedding party. 

If the pretty dress is what she's excited about, you can roll with that. Talk up how much you're looking forward to getting a special picture made with her and dancing with her at the reception. Stay firm to your brother that she is not in the wedding and that it's his responsibility to break it to her if he told her she was.

Heffalump

My daughter has been a flower girl twice.  It was fine, but I wouldn't say that it was the pinnacle of either of our lives.  (Both were for immediate family, so we were happy to do it.  But frankly, the wedding where she was just a guest was simpler, logistically.) 

I think your brother is making way too much out of this.  Stand your ground, OP.  No one will be traumatized if she attends and dances and eats and is in pictures but doesn't spend 90 seconds of her day walking down the aisle.

jacques27

anidorikiladra said:

MesmrEwe said:

We weren't allowed to toss petals or anything of the sort at the church we married because of too many couples being slobs and not cleaning up after themselves they were banned..  We did have my niece as a FG though and offered to let my nephew be a RB but my Bro/SIL decided he was too young to, which is o.k.!

The PP have covered it that you're under ZERO obligation to have your niece as the FG.  The question of "are there any residual strings you need to consider" - is Grandma/pa going to step in and say "you really should have niece as FG" if they're helping to pay.  Also, the diplomacy factor for the long haul (will you regret in 10 years NOT having had a FG, is an extra toss size bouquet worth the family dynamic type questions)..  Through all that, again, you aren't obligated to have one if you don't want one!

Luckily we are paying so that shouldn't be a factor. Would it be dumb to have her as an honourary flower girl just to appease my brother? I think they just want the title to be honest and are framing it as "every little girl wants to be a flower girl". I do have three other unmarried sisters though, so I'm sure she could get a chance in one of their weddings. 

Yeah, it would be dumb.  And truthfully, you hit the nail on the head - to appease your brother.  I don't hear you saying your 7 year old niece is calling you up on the phone crying and begging you to be a flower girl.  Several of my family members (uncles) got married when I was in prime flower girl age (say 3-7).  I was never their flower girl.  I don't even remember if any of them had flower girls.  I never cared or even realized what was happening until my mom dressed me up in a frilly dress and we showed up at a church.  I was in all the family photos and then it's a bunch of photos of me with an orange pop mustache playing tag outside the church with my cousins.  The only reason your niece even potentially knows this is an option is because your brother decided to trump it up and make it a big deal.  I will almost guarantee this is all about him, not her. 

Just say no.  Talk about how excited you'll be to see her dressed up and in photos and dancing, but otherwise just say no.

anidorikiladra

Thanks for all the advice! I will not be giving her an honourary title, so thanks for the honesty there. My wedding is in just over 5 months so there is time, but I think I'll just let my niece be a guest and not a FG. They live far from me anyway so I won't see them until the wedding, so the only way this would be brought up is by text messages. Just going to continue telling my brother no if he brings it up!

OliveOilsMom

You should take it a step further with your brother if he never gives it up.  He is probably trying to wear you down.  "Brother, I have said this on multiple occasions and this will now be the last time.  I am not having a flower girl at all.  I'm sorry you don't like this decision, but its a final decision.  I will no longer be responding to you when you ask about a flower girl for my wedding because the answer will always be no."

anidorikiladra

OliveOilsMom said:

You should take it a step further with your brother if he never gives it up.  He is probably trying to wear you down.  "Brother, I have said this on multiple occasions and this will now be the last time.  I am not having a flower girl at all.  I'm sorry you don't like this decision, but its a final decision.  I will no longer be responding to you when you ask about a flower girl for my wedding because the answer will always be no."

Thanks, this is likely what I will have to do. He was kind of pushy like this before I even got engaged, always asking when we were getting married.