No wedding party, so who gets gifts?

[Deleted User]

We have no bridal party.  It is my understanding that you are to get gifts for those who have a special part in the ceremony or who have been supportive throughout the process.  So far, I have gifts for the following:

My mom and her BF

His mom and stepdad

His father - out of respect and to keep drama out of the picture

His grandmother - helped raise FI (kind of)

The officiate - a good friend of ours

My very good friend who has been a great resource due to her knowledge of private vendors and is technically our planner/DOC (could use a gift idea for her btw)

I also had plans to get something for a couple of other people but not sure if it would be appropriate any longer. 

I considered something for my aunt because she helped raise us by contributing financially when we were younger (although I found out as an adult that she was not happy to do so).  She was my favorite relative until she began making snide comments to me about my weight and being judgmental towards our wedding planning.  I have purposely drifted away from her in the last few years because she has been very abrasive and the negativity she was bringing just needed to be removed from my life.  For the most part I only talk to her when I see her.  Since she lives in another state, that has only been a couple times a year.  This whole transition in our relationship has been disheartening, so much so that my original idea of giving something to her is being reconsidered because I am hurt by her actions and am too non-confrontational to bring it up. 

I considered something for my best friend as well, because she excitedly told me she'd help with the wedding stuff without me asking (I am the first one in our circle to be married).  However, me being a nontraditional bride has yielded some playful yet unintentionally hurtful comments from her that made me not bring up wedding things around her very often.  At this point she was supposed to just come to some fittings and shopping with me and plan the bachelorette party but has done none of it.  In fact, this weekend she asked if we could do the party after the wedding.  Not sure if that even still counts as a bachelorette party, but I said sure regardless and was appreciative.

What would you suggest?  Am I leaving out any parties that should receive gifts and should I gift my aunt and best friend regardless?

floridabride44

Jazzykins87 said:

We have no bridal party.  It is my understanding that you are to get gifts for those who have a special part in the ceremony or who have been supportive throughout the process.  So far, I have gifts for the following:

My mom and her BF

His mom and stepdad

His father - out of respect and to keep drama out of the picture

His grandmother - helped raise FI (kind of)

The officiate - a good friend of ours

My very good friend who has been a great resource due to her knowledge of private vendors and is technically our planner/DOC (could use a gift idea for her btw)

I also had plans to get something for a couple of other people but not sure if it would be appropriate any longer. 

I considered something for my aunt because she helped raise us by contributing financially when we were younger (although I found out as an adult that she was not happy to do so).  She was my favorite relative until she began making snide comments to me about my weight and being judgmental towards our wedding planning.  I have purposely drifted away from her in the last few years because she has been very abrasive and the negativity she was bringing just needed to be removed from my life.  For the most part I only talk to her when I see her.  Since she lives in another state, that has only been a couple times a year.  This whole transition in our relationship has been disheartening, so much so that my original idea of giving something to her is being reconsidered because I am hurt by her actions and am too non-confrontational to bring it up. 

I considered something for my best friend as well, because she excitedly told me she'd help with the wedding stuff without me asking (I am the first one in our circle to be married).  However, me being a nontraditional bride has yielded some playful yet unintentionally hurtful comments from her that made me not bring up wedding things around her very often.  At this point she was supposed to just come to some fittings and shopping with me and plan the bachelorette party but has done none of it.  In fact, this weekend she asked if we could do the party after the wedding.  Not sure if that even still counts as a bachelorette party, but I said sure regardless and was appreciative.

What would you suggest?  Am I leaving out any parties that should receive gifts and should I gift my aunt and best friend regardless?

To address the main question in your post, gifts aren't required but are nice gestures to thank your nearest and dearest on your wedding day. If you don't want to give someone a gift - don't. If you give everyone their gifts privately and don't make a big deal of it, nobody will feel "left out" and there will be no drama. 

Buy to the bolded:

Don't use your friend as a DOC. I was in a wedding last year where someone did this and the friend/DOC was horribly stressed the whole evening and couldn't actually enjoy the wedding. Don't you want your friend to have a good time at your wedding? Don't make her work. Don't treat your friends/family like employees. I know the idea of free help is tempting, but resist the temptation. 

And, your friend was "supposed" to plan the bachelorette party? Please tell me she offered and you did not assign her the task of planning your bachelorette party. Asking someone to host a party for you is incredibly rude. You're not entitled to a bachelorette party. 

[Deleted User]

floridabride44 said:

Jazzykins87 said:

We have no bridal party.  It is my understanding that you are to get gifts for those who have a special part in the ceremony or who have been supportive throughout the process.  So far, I have gifts for the following:

My mom and her BF

His mom and stepdad

His father - out of respect and to keep drama out of the picture

His grandmother - helped raise FI (kind of)

The officiate - a good friend of ours

My very good friend who has been a great resource due to her knowledge of private vendors and is technically our planner/DOC (could use a gift idea for her btw)

I also had plans to get something for a couple of other people but not sure if it would be appropriate any longer. 

I considered something for my aunt because she helped raise us by contributing financially when we were younger (although I found out as an adult that she was not happy to do so).  She was my favorite relative until she began making snide comments to me about my weight and being judgmental towards our wedding planning.  I have purposely drifted away from her in the last few years because she has been very abrasive and the negativity she was bringing just needed to be removed from my life.  For the most part I only talk to her when I see her.  Since she lives in another state, that has only been a couple times a year.  This whole transition in our relationship has been disheartening, so much so that my original idea of giving something to her is being reconsidered because I am hurt by her actions and am too non-confrontational to bring it up. 

I considered something for my best friend as well, because she excitedly told me she'd help with the wedding stuff without me asking (I am the first one in our circle to be married).  However, me being a nontraditional bride has yielded some playful yet unintentionally hurtful comments from her that made me not bring up wedding things around her very often.  At this point she was supposed to just come to some fittings and shopping with me and plan the bachelorette party but has done none of it.  In fact, this weekend she asked if we could do the party after the wedding.  Not sure if that even still counts as a bachelorette party, but I said sure regardless and was appreciative.

What would you suggest?  Am I leaving out any parties that should receive gifts and should I gift my aunt and best friend regardless?

To address the main question in your post, gifts aren't required but are nice gestures to thank your nearest and dearest on your wedding day. If you don't want to give someone a gift - don't. If you give everyone their gifts privately and don't make a big deal of it, nobody will feel "left out" and there will be no drama. 

Buy to the bolded:

Don't use your friend as a DOC. I was in a wedding last year where someone did this and the friend/DOC was horribly stressed the whole evening and couldn't actually enjoy the wedding. Don't you want your friend to have a good time at your wedding? Don't make her work. Don't treat your friends/family like employees. I know the idea of free help is tempting, but resist the temptation. 

And, your friend was "supposed" to plan the bachelorette party? Please tell me she offered and you did not assign her the task of planning your bachelorette party. Asking someone to host a party for you is incredibly rude. You're not entitled to a bachelorette party. 

Our wedding is very small and she and I have been planning this for (what feels like) a long time.  She has done lots of weddings and will be able to enjoy the festivities as well as help coordinate things.  Not sure if DOC is the right title, but she will be the point of contact for things that day because she is firm but understands how the flow of things should be. 

Yes, my friend was supposed to plan a bachelorette party.  As stated previously, she brought up helping me plan things.  Once her playful comments about my nontraditional wedding aspects started to rub me the wrong way, I stopped bringing up wedding things around her and pretty much everyone else except FI.  That was early last year.  A couple months ago, she asked if I wanted a bachelorette party and I said I would attend if someone threw one.  She then started to make suggestions on where to go and things to do and I made no contributions to the conversation in terms of planning it out except to show excitement and being gracious for anything she suggested.  So now we're a month out and the planning has fallen by the wayside, so much so that she asked if I would be okay to do it after our wedding was over.  Wasn't sure what I was supposed to say other than okay since I am not supposed to have a hand in planning.  That whole thing is still obscure to me, but I did NOT ask her or anyone for any parties. 

MyNameIsNot

Jazzykins87 said:

floridabride44 said:

Jazzykins87 said:

We have no bridal party.  It is my understanding that you are to get gifts for those who have a special part in the ceremony or who have been supportive throughout the process.  So far, I have gifts for the following:

My mom and her BF

His mom and stepdad

His father - out of respect and to keep drama out of the picture

His grandmother - helped raise FI (kind of)

The officiate - a good friend of ours

My very good friend who has been a great resource due to her knowledge of private vendors and is technically our planner/DOC (could use a gift idea for her btw)

I also had plans to get something for a couple of other people but not sure if it would be appropriate any longer. 

I considered something for my aunt because she helped raise us by contributing financially when we were younger (although I found out as an adult that she was not happy to do so).  She was my favorite relative until she began making snide comments to me about my weight and being judgmental towards our wedding planning.  I have purposely drifted away from her in the last few years because she has been very abrasive and the negativity she was bringing just needed to be removed from my life.  For the most part I only talk to her when I see her.  Since she lives in another state, that has only been a couple times a year.  This whole transition in our relationship has been disheartening, so much so that my original idea of giving something to her is being reconsidered because I am hurt by her actions and am too non-confrontational to bring it up. 

I considered something for my best friend as well, because she excitedly told me she'd help with the wedding stuff without me asking (I am the first one in our circle to be married).  However, me being a nontraditional bride has yielded some playful yet unintentionally hurtful comments from her that made me not bring up wedding things around her very often.  At this point she was supposed to just come to some fittings and shopping with me and plan the bachelorette party but has done none of it.  In fact, this weekend she asked if we could do the party after the wedding.  Not sure if that even still counts as a bachelorette party, but I said sure regardless and was appreciative.

What would you suggest?  Am I leaving out any parties that should receive gifts and should I gift my aunt and best friend regardless?

To address the main question in your post, gifts aren't required but are nice gestures to thank your nearest and dearest on your wedding day. If you don't want to give someone a gift - don't. If you give everyone their gifts privately and don't make a big deal of it, nobody will feel "left out" and there will be no drama. 

Buy to the bolded:

Don't use your friend as a DOC. I was in a wedding last year where someone did this and the friend/DOC was horribly stressed the whole evening and couldn't actually enjoy the wedding. Don't you want your friend to have a good time at your wedding? Don't make her work. Don't treat your friends/family like employees. I know the idea of free help is tempting, but resist the temptation. 

And, your friend was "supposed" to plan the bachelorette party? Please tell me she offered and you did not assign her the task of planning your bachelorette party. Asking someone to host a party for you is incredibly rude. You're not entitled to a bachelorette party. 

Our wedding is very small and she and I have been planning this for (what feels like) a long time.  She has done lots of weddings and will be able to enjoy the festivities as well as help coordinate things.  Not sure if DOC is the right title, but she will be the point of contact for things that day because she is firm but understands how the flow of things should be. 

Yes, my friend was supposed to plan a bachelorette party.  As stated previously, she brought up helping me plan things.  Once her playful comments about my nontraditional wedding aspects started to rub me the wrong way, I stopped bringing up wedding things around her and pretty much everyone else except FI.  That was early last year.  A couple months ago, she asked if I wanted a bachelorette party and I said I would attend if someone threw one.  She then started to make suggestions on where to go and things to do and I made no contributions to the conversation in terms of planning it out except to show excitement and being gracious for anything she suggested.  So now we're a month out and the planning has fallen by the wayside, so much so that she asked if I would be okay to do it after our wedding was over.  Wasn't sure what I was supposed to say other than okay since I am not supposed to have a hand in planning.  That whole thing is still obscure to me, but I did NOT ask her or anyone for any parties. 

For the friend that is acting as DOC, you should pay her. Going rates for DOCs vary by area, but somewhere between $500-1500 is normal. A gift would be insulting for that much work. 

You do not need to get gifts for everyone in your life. Parent gifts are nice, but there is no need to extend that into grandparents and aunts, especially if you don't want to. 

You should get gifts for anyone involved in the ceremony. You've already got the officiant. If anyone is doing a reading or any other symbolic act, you'll need to get them something. 

If your friend throws you a party, do something to thank her at or after the party. If she doesn't, NBD. It sounds like she offered a while back but doesn't really want to do it now. 

[Deleted User]

Thank you everyone for your input!

Pinksatin91016

Wait, well we're on the subject, I just have a general gifting question. I wasn't planning on getting anyone a gift. I have no wedding party, and I'm paying for most of the wedding. Parents are helping us with the food since most of the guests wouldn't have been invited if not for that since we wouldn't have been able to afford to feed them. The guests are almost all relatives. I think FI and I are inviting 10 friends total between us. If I was paying for food I would probably have a tiny wedding, less than 20 people, but my parents want it for all our aunts uncles and cousins and are thus footing the food bill. I think that's fair. Also our venue is my Aunt's house on a lake. I was planning to just pay her, not give her a gift. I wasn't planning on getting anyone, including my fiancé any gifts. Is this ok? Just pay the people that are contributing their use of their property and pay the vendors and call it good? My parents are paying for food by choice and I've thanked them a bunch and will thank them more. I don't think I need to spend money on them do I? I feel like that would be counterintuitive since are financially helping us feed all these relatives, why would we spend extra money? Idk. Maybe I'm wrong. Tell me what you're supposed to do please. thank you!

P.S. I was a bridesmaid for my cousin and all I got was a pretty sparkly necklace from Walmart to wear in the wedding. Cute and sweet, but not really a "gift" like I'd think of one and I was still happy as a clam about her whole wedding sitch and grateful to be included. My point is a gift isn't really necessary I think if you're gracious to the people helping you and pay the ones who need to be paid. Again please tell me if I'm wrong! I don't want to look bratty.

glasgowtolondon

Pinksatin91016 said:

Wait, well we're on the subject, I just have a general gifting question. I wasn't planning on getting anyone a gift. I have no wedding party, and I'm paying for most of the wedding. Parents are helping us with the food since most of the guests wouldn't have been invited if not for that since we wouldn't have been able to afford to feed them. The guests are almost all relatives. I think FI and I are inviting 10 friends total between us. If I was paying for food I would probably have a tiny wedding, less than 20 people, but my parents want it for all our aunts uncles and cousins and are thus footing the food bill. I think that's fair. Also our venue is my Aunt's house on a lake. I was planning to just pay her, not give her a gift. I wasn't planning on getting anyone, including my fiancé any gifts. Is this ok? Just pay the people that are contributing their use of their property and pay the vendors and call it good? My parents are paying for food by choice and I've thanked them a bunch and will thank them more. I don't think I need to spend money on them do I? I feel like that would be counterintuitive since are financially helping us feed all these relatives, why would we spend extra money? Idk. Maybe I'm wrong. Tell me what you're supposed to do please. thank you!

P.S. I was a bridesmaid for my cousin and all I got was a pretty sparkly necklace from Walmart to wear in the wedding. Cute and sweet, but not really a "gift" like I'd think of one and I was still happy as a clam about her whole wedding sitch and grateful to be included. My point is a gift isn't really necessary I think if you're gracious to the people helping you and pay the ones who need to be paid. Again please tell me if I'm wrong! I don't want to look bratty.

Generally, getting parents a gift at your wedding isn't thanking them for paying or helping with the wedding (though that could certainly be part of it). It's thanking them for raising and supporting you and your FI. We will get both sets of parents gifts, however neither of them are contributing or helping as they live quite far away. It doesn't have to be anything big or ostentatious - flowers, a bottle of whiskey, something you know they'd enjoy. IMO, it's simply a way to publicly honour all they have done for us.