Wedding Etiquette Forum

Kicking out a bridesmaid?

I am dealing with hurt feelings and what feels like a disaster that I don't want to have to handle with everything else going on.

One of my bridesmaids (and my newest friend of the group of girls that I chose) has recently not been acting that makes me feel she is a friend or able to handle the responsibility of being in the wedding. Kicking her out of the wedding is the last thing I want to have to do, but it really feels like the right thing in this situation.

She and I have known each other for almost 3 years and she was the first friend I made when I relocated to the current city I live in. We were coworkers and spent a ton of time together. When I got engaged she was so excited for us and was asking to not only be a part of the wedding, but also the MOH. I declined that and gave my sister the role, but gave her a bridesmaid role. She accepted, everything was fine.

Since I am a recent transplant in a new city on the other side of the country from the one I grew up in, when it came time to start dress shopping, I wanted her to come with me. She's a single mom with a busy schedule, so she and I got together to make an appointment at a time that worked for both of us, over a month and a half in advance. The appointment was this past Saturday.

Last Monday I reached out to her via text to see how her Valentine's Day went and she was very chatty and responsive. After awhile, I asked if she was still planning on coming with me to the dress appointment. She immediately stops texting. I don't press - maybe she got busy, whatever. On Friday (the day before the appointment), I reach out again. She doesn't answer my messages, but I get read receipts, so I know she's gotten it. After 2 hours of no response, I let her know that if something came up and she's unable to make it then she should just let me know and I will be understanding, but by ignoring me she's not being fair to me. She immediately responds and agrees that I'm right. She apologizes and says a lot has been going on and sends a laundry list of things she's been dealing with (all legitimate) and caps it with "oh, and it's Katie's birthday and I told her I'd spend it with her, I want to find a way to go but I'm just not sure if I can yet and I didn't want to give you an answer until I was sure."

I'm annoyed about potentially being blown off for a mutual friends birthday, but push that aside and tell her, "hey I know stuff happens, all I am asking is that you keep me in the loop here. Please let me know as soon as you know whether you can make it or not so I can figure it out." She doesn't respond to this, so I assume she'll let me know when she knows.

Later that night I'm looking at Facebook and see a picture posted from a NBA game in a city 3 hours south of here captioned "Celebrating Katie's Birthday!" OK, I figure she's planning on coming back the next day, no big deal. The next day, I never hear anything from her and at this point am so annoyed that I don't want to reach out and get upset with her right before I'm supposed to go try on dresses. I grab another friend (not even in the wedding, an invited guest who won't be able to make it) and she goes with me. An hour before the scheduled appointment, bridesmaid friend checks in at a restaurant in the same city as NBA game last night. I am pissed.

My fiance works with her, so yesterday when he saw her at work, he confronted her and wanted to know what the heck had happened, why she'd totally blown me off. She responds that she'd said she couldn't make it (nope. it's all in texts, and since the last text I sent to her said "Ok, well please just let me know as soon as you know if you can make it" it's BS.) He tells her, "ok well if that's the case, it's just a big misunderstanding and you should reach out to bride (me) and let her know what happened. She's really hurt and upset about it". Her response to him is basically "ugh I have so much going on in my life right now, I can't handle this. I'll reach out to her sometime this week."

Am I wrong for thinking it all just sounds like BS and she's trying to save face? I know if I'd just heard that I hurt a friend as badly as I'm bummed right now and if i felt it was just a misunderstanding, that I'd want to reach out immediately and make things right. She can't even prioritize our relationship enough to reach out and say something as simple as "hey, there was a misunderstanding, we need to talk about this" even if that talk can't happen right away. She's a single mom to 2 kids so i doubt the overnight trip to see the NBA game happened at the last minute. I am feeling so disrespected and this is not someone that I want to rely on to be there for me on my most special day.
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Re: Kicking out a bridesmaid?

  • scribe95 said:
    She did a shitty thing. Made a plan with one person and blew her off for another without telling you. Having said that I don't think that's reason to kick her out. Put it in the back of your mind to not count on her fully and move on. 
    All she has to do is buy a dress and show up. Expect nothing more - nothing less. 
    She blew me off without telling me. All I've expected of her is the dress, showing up and not disappearing on me when she committed to going dress shopping with me over a month and a half in advance. A simple text saying she couldn't make it would have sufficed. Instead she lied to me and disappeared.
  • Do you still want to be friends with this woman?  If yes, then I'd call, not text her, and talk to her.  You can feel however you feel, but she can't make you feel anything.  But you can also choose to talk to her and give her the benefit of the doubt.

    Yes, it's impolite to not keep you up to date on the plans.  But maybe the text really didn't go through.  This happens at least once a day to DH and me because of the building he works in.  

    And you acknowledge that she does have a lot going on right now.  It might legitimately be difficult for her to communicate right now.  I know when I'm stressed, texting and phone calls get immensely difficult for me, because of anxiety. 

    If you don't want to be friends with her, then sure, kick her out.
  • kylexo said:
    I am dealing with hurt feelings and what feels like a disaster that I don't want to have to handle with everything else going on.

    One of my bridesmaids (and my newest friend of the group of girls that I chose) has recently not been acting that makes me feel she is a friend or able to handle the responsibility of being in the wedding. Kicking her out of the wedding is the last thing I want to have to do, but it really feels like the right thing in this situation.

    She and I have known each other for almost 3 years and she was the first friend I made when I relocated to the current city I live in. We were coworkers and spent a ton of time together. When I got engaged she was so excited for us and was asking to not only be a part of the wedding, but also the MOH. I declined that and gave my sister the role, but gave her a bridesmaid role. She accepted, everything was fine.

    Since I am a recent transplant in a new city on the other side of the country from the one I grew up in, when it came time to start dress shopping, I wanted her to come with me. She's a single mom with a busy schedule, so she and I got together to make an appointment at a time that worked for both of us, over a month and a half in advance. The appointment was this past Saturday.

    Last Monday I reached out to her via text to see how her Valentine's Day went and she was very chatty and responsive. After awhile, I asked if she was still planning on coming with me to the dress appointment. She immediately stops texting. I don't press - maybe she got busy, whatever. On Friday (the day before the appointment), I reach out again. She doesn't answer my messages, but I get read receipts, so I know she's gotten it. After 2 hours of no response, I let her know that if something came up and she's unable to make it then she should just let me know and I will be understanding, but by ignoring me she's not being fair to me. She immediately responds and agrees that I'm right. She apologizes and says a lot has been going on and sends a laundry list of things she's been dealing with (all legitimate) and caps it with "oh, and it's Katie's birthday and I told her I'd spend it with her, I want to find a way to go but I'm just not sure if I can yet and I didn't want to give you an answer until I was sure."

    I'm annoyed about potentially being blown off for a mutual friends birthday, but push that aside and tell her, "hey I know stuff happens, all I am asking is that you keep me in the loop here. Please let me know as soon as you know whether you can make it or not so I can figure it out." She doesn't respond to this, so I assume she'll let me know when she knows.

    Later that night I'm looking at Facebook and see a picture posted from a NBA game in a city 3 hours south of here captioned "Celebrating Katie's Birthday!" OK, I figure she's planning on coming back the next day, no big deal. The next day, I never hear anything from her and at this point am so annoyed that I don't want to reach out and get upset with her right before I'm supposed to go try on dresses. I grab another friend (not even in the wedding, an invited guest who won't be able to make it) and she goes with me. An hour before the scheduled appointment, bridesmaid friend checks in at a restaurant in the same city as NBA game last night. I am pissed.

    My fiance works with her, so yesterday when he saw her at work, he confronted her and wanted to know what the heck had happened, why she'd totally blown me off. She responds that she'd said she couldn't make it (nope. it's all in texts, and since the last text I sent to her said "Ok, well please just let me know as soon as you know if you can make it" it's BS.) He tells her, "ok well if that's the case, it's just a big misunderstanding and you should reach out to bride (me) and let her know what happened. She's really hurt and upset about it". Her response to him is basically "ugh I have so much going on in my life right now, I can't handle this. I'll reach out to her sometime this week."

    Am I wrong for thinking it all just sounds like BS and she's trying to save face? I know if I'd just heard that I hurt a friend as badly as I'm bummed right now and if i felt it was just a misunderstanding, that I'd want to reach out immediately and make things right. She can't even prioritize our relationship enough to reach out and say something as simple as "hey, there was a misunderstanding, we need to talk about this" even if that talk can't happen right away. She's a single mom to 2 kids so i doubt the overnight trip to see the NBA game happened at the last minute. I am feeling so disrespected and this is not someone that I want to rely on to be there for me on my most special day.
    Your friend double-booking herself and blowing you off without communicating was pretty crappy.

    However, kicking her out is not only a bit extreme, but would be a complete friendship ending move. I know your feelings must be hurt, but try to let this go. 

    A bridesmaid's only "responsibilities" are to show up sober to the wedding in the correct dress and pose for pictures.

    Is this out of character for her? Is it possible that she's going through some stuff right now? Or is it possible that the friend having the birthday is going through something and your friend was supporting her? I recommend you reach out to her and in a non-wedding setting let her know that your feelings were hurt and ask her if everything is okay on her end.
  • Thanks for the advice. I think it definitely still is raw. I totally get it about it being way more fun to go to a basketball game instead of to David's Bridal with me. While I am bummed that I was blown off for that, that's not why I am upset with her and thinking of cutting her out. When we spoke on Friday and she apologized about not responding when I asked her on Monday I was super clear with her that I understand stuff comes up and that all I wanted from her was for her to let me know what was going on. Whether she'd need me to reschedule or if I should find another friend to go with me. She kept saying "absolutely, you're totally right, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, that was unfair of me."

    To have that followed up by her never letting me know at all is really hurtful. I get that it's not her day and my emotions are heightened by it, but I also feel that when you make plans with someone you are upfront about not being able to make it when you can't, not blowing them off with no explanation. That's just disrespectful of me, whether I was being blown off for a dress fitting or just hanging out at the bar.
  • Also, I didn't ask my fiance to talk to her at all, he did that on his own, which was sweet of him, but frankly kind of embarrassing. I'd have preferred to handle it on my own, but he saw that I was bummed and decided to do something.
  • Also we're getting married on the other side of the country from where we currently live, so I guess after this happening and the fact that she's a little flakey the begin with, I'm concerned she wouldn't show up. Maybe that's colored by what happened this weekend, maybe I'm just being crazy, but it's something I am concerned about and obviously need to discuss with her.
  • kylexo said:
    Thanks for the advice. I think it definitely still is raw. I totally get it about it being way more fun to go to a basketball game instead of to David's Bridal with me. While I am bummed that I was blown off for that, that's not why I am upset with her and thinking of cutting her out. When we spoke on Friday and she apologized about not responding when I asked her on Monday I was super clear with her that I understand stuff comes up and that all I wanted from her was for her to let me know what was going on. Whether she'd need me to reschedule or if I should find another friend to go with me. She kept saying "absolutely, you're totally right, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, that was unfair of me."

    To have that followed up by her never letting me know at all is really hurtful. I get that it's not her day and my emotions are heightened by it, but I also feel that when you make plans with someone you are upfront about not being able to make it when you can't, not blowing them off with no explanation. That's just disrespectful of me, whether I was being blown off for a dress fitting or just hanging out at the bar.
    To be honest, if this was a pattern of behavior, I wouldn't be friends with the person. You're absolutely right that her behavior was shitty, and extra shitty because she had already acknowledged being wrong. It's hard to keep relationships with people who don't treat you with respect.

    If this is a one-time incident, I'd want an apology, but let it go after that.

    Decide based on her patterns of behavior toward you whether or not this is a person you want in your life, as a friend. Whatever you decide about the friendship will inform her place in your wedding party. 
  • Story time. My sister and I were MOH for each other.  I got married first.  When I got married, she worked as a bridal consultant in the shop where I bought my dress, and was able to spend tons of time trying on dresses to find the BM dress she liked.

    When she got married, I'd planned to fly in to shop with her.  Instead, I wound up watching her try on dresses on my phone because my flight got cancelled.  We had 1 hour for me to try on BM dresses with her and try to find something while were together.  Our different experiences did not diminish how excited or happy I was for my sister.  Our live changed and our plans had to change. 

    That is too say if this person is important to you in the long-term, you'll be able to look past this instant of poor judgement, adjust your expectations going forward, and just be happy your friend can share your wedding day with you.  I'd have been devastated if my sister though I was less of an MOH because I couldn't exactly duplicate what she did for me or if I didn't meet her expectations.
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  • To be honest, if this was a pattern of behavior, I wouldn't be friends with the person. You're absolutely right that her behavior was shitty, and extra shitty because she had already acknowledged being wrong. It's hard to keep relationships with people who don't treat you with respect.

    If this is a one-time incident, I'd want an apology, but let it go after that.

    Decide based on her patterns of behavior toward you whether or not this is a person you want in your life, as a friend. Whatever you decide about the friendship will inform her place in your wedding party. 
    Since I got laid off from the job we worked together 4 months ago, it's become a pattern. It almost seems to me like I'm sort of out of sight, out of mind for her. This situation is like a straw that broke the camels back kind of thing for me. 
  • geebee908 said:

    I don't know that you need to discuss your concern about her not showing up for your wedding; she'll be there or she won't and it won't effect your ability to get married to your FI that day. I think it will make things more awkward if you have this conversation with her.
    Fair enough. This is a good call.
  • kylexo said:
    When it comes down to it, it's a friendship issue, not a wedding issue, she just happens in be involved in the wedding. When I make plans with someone, I expect them to show up or to let me know in a timely manner if they need to cancel. When she did finally tell me that she'd had some things going on and wasn't sure if she'd be able to make it, I expressed to her that I totally understood if something came up, I just wanted her to be up front with me. After she apologized for it, we ended the conversation with her saying she wasn't sure yet if she'd be able to make it yet and me asking her to please let me know as soon as she knew. She never reached out.

    That's it. It's not a cool move, whether it had anything to do with my wedding or was just going to get coffee or our nails done. I don't bail on my friends without letting them know beforehand. I expect the same from them. I don't feel like I'm being respected or treated kindly by her. 
    I can understand that.  I realize that my initial response to you was rather harsh, and I apologize for that.  I wouldn't like my friends to flake out on me either.

    That said, it does seem like you need to lower your expectations of her.  Since she's proven to be so flaky, I would keep the scheduling for things other than the wedding itself that require her presence loose, and be prepared for her to be late or to no-show to any get-togethers, including any wedding-related events other than the ceremony and reception.  If she no-shows to those, then I would consider the friendship over.
  • Honestly I really do think this was a misunderstanding and no reason to kick someone out of your wedding (which is an explosive, friendship-ending move). I agree with some other posters who said if they had gotten the texts you describe getting from her, they would have assumed she was saying it's a default-no, but she'd let you know if things changed. You obviously read it as she was still going to get back to you either way, which is 100% valid, but it goes to show there are nuances in communications like this and y'all just weren't on the same page.

    I really just think she was trying to let you down easy and thought she'd communicated clearly that she just had too much going on to commit to this. She could have handled it better for sure, but to me it just really seems like a minor mistake. 

    I also think it was more than just embarrassing for your FI to confront her at work about this- it's really inappropriate and he probably owes her an apology. I totally get he was trying to help and it sounds like his heart was definitely in the right place, but he shouldn't be inserting himself into your friendships and he definitely shouldn't be doing it in the workplace.

    I get it- your feelings were hurt, and it's still raw. Totally a fair way to feel. But this isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things and I'd try to just let it go.
  • This has been really helpful for gathering my thoughts for when I do speak with her. I have felt our friendship slipping lately and I don't know if what happened was intentional or not. I certainly plan on speaking with her about it, but I also am not okay with a "friend" treating me like this if it wasn't a big misunderstanding.
  • So this is the second or third post about a BM "flaking" across boards lately (and whether that means they should be kicked out), and my question for the general you is, do people really not make plans and have things come up and have to cancel? I feel like this happens at pretty frequent interval across my friend circles and no one gets upset. We make general plans and someone has to bail for any number of reasons; other plans, kid/family member is sick, being just too tired to do something.

     I get this is a different situation, but when she told you she had things going on and she probably wouldn't make it I would have taken that as she wasn't coming. I guess I just don't understand the outrage (again not just OP) at not being able to go to something. To be fair most of my friends would text and say they couldn't make, but if they had previously said they weren't sure I wouldn't take that as a definite plan. I know this all depends on the scenario; I'd be pissed at someone no-showing me at a dinner where it was the two of us, but if I had a party and someone who said "I think ill be there, but I'm not sure" didn't come I wouldn't think anything of it. 

    I don't know, I guess I just don't see this as something major that you need to have a sit down talk with this woman and definitely don't see why your FI should get involved, at work nonetheless. 
  • I can't answer for any of the other posts, but to me in our communication, after she'd apologized for blowing me off when I'd initially asked her if our plans were still on and it was left with me saying to her "ok, well let me know as soon as you know whether or not". To me, that was an issue because to me she hadn't confirmed it was a no and I was asking for her to tell me one way or the other. It was also something we'd planned together while looking at her calendar over a month and a half in advance, so knowing that she'd known she possibly had conflict and I felt I had to extract it from her was disappointing.

    I don't think someone being flaky in and of itself means they should be kicked out, but if it's a pattern or indicative of the person not respecting your feelings or time, then maybe it is. And it's not like this was something I had a bunch of ladies coming with me for, she knew it was an appointment for me and she was my only friend coming.
  • kylexo said:
    I can't answer for any of the other posts, but to me in our communication, after she'd apologized for blowing me off when I'd initially asked her if our plans were still on and it was left with me saying to her "ok, well let me know as soon as you know whether or not". To me, that was an issue because to me she hadn't confirmed it was a no and I was asking for her to tell me one way or the other. It was also something we'd planned together while looking at her calendar over a month and a half in advance, so knowing that she'd known she possibly had conflict and I felt I had to extract it from her was disappointing.

    I don't think someone being flaky in and of itself means they should be kicked out, but if it's a pattern or indicative of the person not respecting your feelings or time, then maybe it is. And it's not like this was something I had a bunch of ladies coming with me for, she knew it was an appointment for me and she was my only friend coming.
    I think we all understand what you're saying here, and agree that it was really shitty for her to bail, but unless you want to cut this woman out of your life, not just your wedding, then you really shouldn't kick her out.  You're going to do whatever you're going to do, but realize that your choice will have consequences, and if your choice is to remove her from your WP, your friendship is likely unrecoverable.  As a rule here, we tell people not to kick out BMs, and this situation, even if it's a pattern, isn't severe enough to be an exception to that rule. 

    Again, we all understand that you're hurt, and justifiably so, but if you make the (poor) choice to remove her from your WP, you need to recognize that you aren't just breaking off one set of plans, you're breaking off a relationship.

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  • levioosa said:
    Why create unnecessary drama though? Carry on with what you are doing, let her choose whether or not she goes to your wedding, and then after that let the friendship fade naturally.  What you're doing right now is creating unnecessary problems and drama for yourself.  

    Agreed. If you want drama, have a big thing about this. If you don't? Just move on. This is why I think asking coworker's is a mistake. You just don't know if you're really close friends until after you no longer work together. 
  • You're hurt, she did a shitty thing. FWIW, I think her text does sound like she was saying no.

    She knows you were upset since your FI told her, so why not just park the drama and leave it there? By continuing to make it a thing you are making it bigger than it was and probably winding yourself up even more. If this is not an isolated incident then just stop relying on her, let her organise to meet up if she wants to. It really sounds like you are overthinking things.
                 
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    Agreed. If you want drama, have a big thing about this. If you don't? Just move on. This is why I think asking coworker's is a mistake. You just don't know if you're really close friends until after you no longer work together. 
    This is exactly it. Our friendship has totally changed since we saw each other every day, and if I were to choose bridesmaids all over again, she would likely not be included. 

    I am wondering what you all think about giving her the option to gracefully drop out at this point if she's not feeling up to it? After what happened this week and how she's already complained about having to fly to the other side of the country for the wedding I just get the feeling that she's trying to slow fade me. I'd prefer that I know whether or not she's going to be there before the wedding.
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