Wedding Etiquette Forum

Fiance and mom are fighting over expenses!

I am in desperate need of advice.  My fiancé and I live in Seattle but are getting married in Southern California (where he grew up and the majority of his family is located).  It has caused a huge riff and source of tension between my fiancé and MY MOTHER.  My mom would much rather we get married in Washington and is not thrilled that everything is much more expensive down in California.  Regardless, my mom is very happy about us getting married.  We have all decided to chip in 15k a piece (my mom, dad, and my fiancé and me) for wedding expenses.  My fiancé thinks the travel costs we incur (flight, hotel, meals) to travel to California prior to the wedding to attend our food tasting and other appointments should be tallied into our wedding expense.  He also thinks the cost of my wedding band should be part of our 15k contribution.  My mom is absolutely irate about this- she has proclaimed loud and clear that the travel costs should not count into the expenses since it was his decision to get married in California and we wouldn't have to account for this if we got married in Washington.  Additionally, she thinks the cost of the wedding band is something that shouldn't factor into our wedding cost since that is generally his and my responsibility on our own accord.  My mom feels he is nickel and dining everything he can to reach our 15k contribution.  (Mind you, my mom and I flew down to California in December to look at venues and she didn't use those costs as wedding expenses.)  


This argument boiled over today when all three of us got together and my mom basically said she is "done" and refuses to speak to my fiancé anymore and was calling him a bully.  

I need some advice!  Who should be paying for what?  I don't want to be caught in the middle anymore.
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Re: Fiance and mom are fighting over expenses!

  • kvruns said:
    So what happens if you go over $30k - who is paying do that? 

    If I'm looking at $30k for the wedding, then I agree with your mom that the money should be for the actual wedding, not rings or travel costs. It should be for venue, food, DJ, photo, attire etc. 
    OP, this is why the system y'all have going on- everyone contributes X amount- is not a good one, because (as you can already see!) someone gets left holding the bag. It's a recipe for resentment, hurt feelings and at least one party having to go over budget when costs inevitably exceed the amounts offered up (particularly when people like your FI are trying to game the system).

    This is why you need to think of it like, instead of everyone contributes X, one party offers to give you a gift of X and everything that doesn't cover you are on the hook for. Does that make sense? Y'all have just started out going about this the wrong way. 
  • I think your FI should stop trying to get out of contributing to the wedding, and that all 4 of you should decide what things these contributions cover, with your parents having final say since they don't have to be giving you anything. 
  • I think you should decline the $ and do things as you wish. 


    Fwiw, my parents paid for the majority of our wedding (all local).  If I had to travel for something wedding related, I would've NEVER dreamed of expecting my parents to pay for that. 
  • From your wedding day forward, your FI and your Mom become family, and that relationship is far more important than the day that becomes official.

    We have a saying around here; they who pay get a say.  I would explain that to FI ask and ask him to apologize to your mother for making her feel like an ATM, as (assuming) that was never either of your intentions.  Ask her what the stipulations of her very generous contribution is, and if you're comfortable planning a wedding within her confines, accept, or otherwise decline and plan what you can afford.

    And as PP have stated, anything above your parents contribution is your responsibility, be it 14k or 16k.
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  • As for who "should be" paying for what? You and you FI until someone offers, is not asked, but offers to give you a gift of money for the wedding. This is your party, your responsibility. 

    As as for what we did; my parents graciously offered to pay for our entire wedding. We accepted knowing there were a lot of strings attached. We live OOT from our families and where our wedding was held. We always paid for all of our trips back to plan and for the wedding itself. We also paid for our wedding bands ourself. They were never factored into the cost of the wedding because we decided how much we could afford for rings that we wanted. 
  • Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I don't see what it matters. If you have $15,000 each to contribute, then what difference does it make what the money covers or whose portion covers what? You have $30,000 total. I don't know why it has to be divided up and allocated by item who pays for what. 

    Other posters seem upset on your mom's behalf, though, so I feel like I'm missing something. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2016
    AddieCake said:
    Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I don't see what it matters. If you have $15,000 each to contribute, then what difference does it make what the money covers or whose portion covers what? You have $30,000 total. I don't know why it has to be divided up and allocated by item who pays for what. 

    Other posters seem upset on your mom's behalf, though, so I feel like I'm missing something. 

    I think the original post was just confusing and poorly written.  She lists four people as contributing (her mom, dad, herself, and FI), but she talks about her mom's money as our.  So I'm not clear is there $60,000 total (15 from each of the four) or $45,000 total (she's including herself with mom) or $30,000 total (that group of four is somehow divided into two groups).  I'm getting the sense they didn't just pool the money and maybe he (the fiancé) is trying to have a $16,000 wedding and making sure to spend mom's $15,000 first so that he doesn't have to spend as much?  But mom seems to really only wants her $15,000 to go to items truly involved with only the ceremony (minus rings) and reception?  Not sure - clarification would be helpful. 

    I think what is clear is OP, FI, and everyone else involved didn't think this through and clearly outline the terms of the use of the money before they started spending it.  Mom doesn't seem to be comfortable with her money going to certain items, so have a discussion with mom as to what things she IS willing to pay for (up to $15,000) and then put her in charge of making the payments for those things and OP and FI pay for everything else instead of running to the bank of Mom for everything until her $15,000 runs out.
  • AddieCake said:
    Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but I don't see what it matters. If you have $15,000 each to contribute, then what difference does it make what the money covers or whose portion covers what? You have $30,000 total. I don't know why it has to be divided up and allocated by item who pays for what. 

    Other posters seem upset on your mom's behalf, though, so I feel like I'm missing something. 

    --SITB--

    I think we have a perception is reality thing going on.  Mom feels like an ATM because of FI's behavior and has a say in what her money is spent on.

    To mom, the wedding budget covers day of expenses, and because the couple chose an OOT wedding, she believes travel costs should be the couples responsibility outside of the day of budget. FI disagrees and is deducting everything from his portion of the 15k, leaving their pot of the 15k available for day of expenses as less than moms contribution.

    Clearly, when assessing the costs of the wedding, the couple and OP's parents didn't discuss what stipulations their money came with, or chose to ignore it and spend as they see fit.  
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  • OK, I think I get it now. Thanks, team!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I think your FI is trying to say that anything wedding related at all falls into a wedding expense.   And by that concept, your parents' gas money en route to see you to talk about the wedding is a deduction.

    I think the better way to go about this would have been to devise an actual budget instead of just "here's the pool of money".   Clearly your parents want to have input into how their money is being spent and while your FI is correct that some of these are wedding expenses, in the long run, the amount spent on the actual day by the two of you is decreasing.  

    This all could have been avoided if all sides talked specifics and strings. 
  • Only you and your FI are ultimately responsible for paying for your wedding.

    Anything your parents give is a gift. However, your parents have full right to state what their money can or cannot be used for. They also get some say into how, when and where the wedding takes place. If you would like to avoid this, the best thing is to decline their offer of money and plan the wedding you and your FI can afford.

    We got married in our hometown living OOT, we did not include any return trips as part of the wedding budget, but these were planned visits back home anyway. We made sure to do our wedding planning during these visits, no the other way around. My engagement ring was not part of the budget, because it was purchased and paid for long before any wedding planning started. Both of our wedding bands were part of our budget.

    At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter whether or not your FI wants to include these trips or rings as part of the budget or not, because it's still you and your FI who are paying for these things. Nor can you make your mom or dad take on more of the reception costs by you two claiming to pay for return trips (this is what it sounds like FI is trying to do- correct us if we're wrong).

    Also, you should be dealing with your mom, not FI. Anything you bring to your parents should be discussed between you and your FI first, settled and agreed upon by the two of you, and THEN you discuss with your parents. And vice versa.

    You also need to get a clear plan from your parents what they are willing to pay for.
  • banana468 said:
    I think your FI is trying to say that anything wedding related at all falls into a wedding expense.   And by that concept, your parents' gas money en route to see you to talk about the wedding is a deduction.

    I think the better way to go about this would have been to devise an actual budget instead of just "here's the pool of money".   Clearly your parents want to have input into how their money is being spent and while your FI is correct that some of these are wedding expenses, in the long run, the amount spent on the actual day by the two of you is decreasing.  

    This all could have been avoided if all sides talked specifics and strings. 
    Why discuss money with the person that is generously donating  $15k to your wedding when you could bury your head in the sand and ask strangers on the Internet instead?! Your logic has no place here.
                 
  • banana468 said:
    I think your FI is trying to say that anything wedding related at all falls into a wedding expense.   And by that concept, your parents' gas money en route to see you to talk about the wedding is a deduction.

    I think the better way to go about this would have been to devise an actual budget instead of just "here's the pool of money".   Clearly your parents want to have input into how their money is being spent and while your FI is correct that some of these are wedding expenses, in the long run, the amount spent on the actual day by the two of you is decreasing.  

    This all could have been avoided if all sides talked specifics and strings. 
    Why discuss money with the person that is generously donating  $15k to your wedding when you could bury your head in the sand and ask strangers on the Internet instead?! Your logic has no place here.
    I feel sorry for your husband! 
  • banana468 said:
    banana468 said:
    I think your FI is trying to say that anything wedding related at all falls into a wedding expense.   And by that concept, your parents' gas money en route to see you to talk about the wedding is a deduction.

    I think the better way to go about this would have been to devise an actual budget instead of just "here's the pool of money".   Clearly your parents want to have input into how their money is being spent and while your FI is correct that some of these are wedding expenses, in the long run, the amount spent on the actual day by the two of you is decreasing.  

    This all could have been avoided if all sides talked specifics and strings. 
    Why discuss money with the person that is generously donating  $15k to your wedding when you could bury your head in the sand and ask strangers on the Internet instead?! Your logic has no place here.
    I feel sorry for your husband! 
    Meh, don't worry about him - he's worse.
                 
  • I'm confused too. If you and your FI don't reach your 15k contribution is your mom going to give less? That is the only way what your FI is doing would make "sense" to me, although a grown ass man playing games like that doesn't make sense at all. But say you and your FI only end up spending/contributing 14k....does your mom's contribution then become 14k as well? So he is trying to add up all the little expenses to "make" the 15k? 
  • SachaBee said:
    I'm jumping in just to say that for some idiot reason I thought for about 90% of this thread that by "wedding band" she meant "a group of musicians who will be playing music at the wedding" and was SO CONFUSED why the mom didn't want to pay for that. 
    You are not alone. 

  • Haha thanks! 
  • Any predictions if OP is coming back to update us?
  • To me it sounds like your FI is trying to spend your parents money first in hopes that he doesn't have to reach 15K so he's adding non-wedding expenses to his to say "oh look I did spend 15K". If that is the case I'd be pissed as your mom too. It sounds like the 15K was "offered" as part of a deal where everyone pays that amount so if someone is trying to get out of their part it's kind of shitty. 

    No one but you and your FI is responsible for paying for anything related to the wedding. I think your FI should apologize to your mother. Then I think you all need to sit down and discuss who pays for what and not include things like travel and wedding rings. If there is room in the budget of everyone's 15K left over for those things see how your parents feel about those then being part of it. If they aren't ok with it then you need to pay for those things yourselves as not part of your 15K contribution. If there is anything over the budget then you and your FI are responsible.

    If you don't want to deal with strings then decline your parents contribution. I think it is kind of crappy to take your parents money and then plan a wedding where they have to travel and are unhappy about it. It'd be one thing if they were ok with it but clearly from your post they are not.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I have very strong feelings about this, but my first question is:

    Why the hell are you allowing your Fi to treat your parents this way??? They're your parents. They raised you, loved you, and provided for you. They are under NO obligation to pay for anything and yet, they are generously giving you all this money and your spoiled, entitled brat of a Fi thinks it's appropriate to throw a tantrum and nickel and dime them for everything? I'm assuming he's a grown man and fully capable of earning a living. Let him earn a living and save his (and yours) money for the wedding he wants and quit trying to bully your family into paying for HIS wedding.

    My second question is: where is his family and why isn't he bullying them into contributing?

    My third question is: why do you want to marry a man who comes across as so entitled and immature?
    No. For whatever reason, the groom's family is not involved in contributions. The groom most certainly should NOT be approaching them and telling them to contribute. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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