Fiance and mom are fighting over expenses!

kimmiinthemitten

crowsgirl15 said:

monkeysip said:

Mom is completely free to offer her money as she wishes, in whatever amount, and with whatever strings attached...

But am I the only one who finds the "matching" system really weird?  This isn't a charitable contribution.  If a parent wants to offer money, I think it'd be so much more simple and drama free to just offer the amount you're comfortable with, or just offer to pay for something in particular.  This whole "I only want to spend $15k if you spend 15k" just seems weird to me in the context of a wedding.

I 100% agree with you. This is what confused me to begin with...if she's offering 15K, why does it matter what she considers wedding expenses or not when it comes to your contribution? I'll be honest, this whole situation confuses me and makes me question that we're getting a clear story about the mother's complaints.

I think there's a back story there we're not being told...either between mom and dad, mom and OP or even OP and FI where mom already had the preconceived notion that someone was going to "cheapen up" and this was her insurance policy.

GlamQueenBride

madamerwin said:

AddieCake said:

GlamQueenBride said:

AddieCake said:

If Mom swears at her house, how would fiancé know he couldn't? I also am still not seeing anywhere where fiancé is demanding money from anyone. 

ETA: Maybe fiancé is owed an apology for being called "abnormal." 

I'm sorry, but you have to be completely devoid of common sense and class to go into your mother-in-law's home and start dropping the f-bomb. And yes, he is demanding money because as noted above, her mom is offering to match the budget they put out, so if the Fi is insisting ("standing his ground") that travel expenses be counted, then that's an extra thousand or whatever that he's expecting her to match since she wants everything to be even, for whatever reason. I can't think of a scenario in which this Fi isn't in the wrong.

You have no idea the circumstances under which he said fuck. OP says it was "in a conversation."

 I guess I'm devoid of class and common sense, then, because I say fuck at my in-laws. Why? Because they do, and when they say, " I don't think they have a fuckin' prayer of winning this game,"  I assume I can respond similarly. 

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Agreed. I sure as hell swear at MIL's house, because swearing is completely acceptable there (barring the presence of elderly grandma or children of an impressionable age). But when it's all adults playing a game of hearts at 10pm, you'll hear swear words being thrown around like confetti. Same as my house growing up - my dad dropped the F-bomb all the damn time, and we were taught as children that while it is never appropriate to swear at people, there are indeed times when curse words are a great way to convey a point.

So I guess according to @GlamQueenBride I, as well as my MIL and my own family, are completely devoid of common sense and class. 

Everyone's circumstances are different, so you probably shouldn't go telling people they are classless, clueless assholes because of something that you personally deem inappropriate.

And yet, he still pissed his MIL off.. So maybe he should have learned to read his MIL a bit better before dropping the F-bomb because he clearly offended her. And she has every right to be offended at his behavior in her home.

monkeysip

kimmiinthemitten said:

crowsgirl15 said:

monkeysip said:

Mom is completely free to offer her money as she wishes, in whatever amount, and with whatever strings attached...

But am I the only one who finds the "matching" system really weird?  This isn't a charitable contribution.  If a parent wants to offer money, I think it'd be so much more simple and drama free to just offer the amount you're comfortable with, or just offer to pay for something in particular.  This whole "I only want to spend $15k if you spend 15k" just seems weird to me in the context of a wedding.

I 100% agree with you. This is what confused me to begin with...if she's offering 15K, why does it matter what she considers wedding expenses or not when it comes to your contribution? I'll be honest, this whole situation confuses me and makes me question that we're getting a clear story about the mother's complaints.

I think there's a back story there we're not being told...either between mom and dad, mom and OP or even OP and FI where mom already had the preconceived notion that someone was going to "cheapen up" and this was her insurance policy.

I'm sure you're right that there's more to this story, but what does it matter to mom if fiancee spends $15k or $1k?  I just don't get this idea that you only want to give money if the other person is paying a lot too.  If she thinks they're not spending enough of their own money, then she should offer less of her own.

madamerwin

GlamQueenBride said:

madamerwin said:

Agreed. I sure as hell swear at MIL's house, because swearing is completely acceptable there (barring the presence of elderly grandma or children of an impressionable age). But when it's all adults playing a game of hearts at 10pm, you'll hear swear words being thrown around like confetti. Same as my house growing up - my dad dropped the F-bomb all the damn time, and we were taught as children that while it is never appropriate to swear at people, there are indeed times when curse words are a great way to convey a point.

So I guess according to @GlamQueenBride I, as well as my MIL and my own family, are completely devoid of common sense and class. 

Everyone's circumstances are different, so you probably shouldn't go telling people they are classless, clueless assholes because of something that you personally deem inappropriate.

And yet, he still pissed his MIL off.. So maybe he should have learned to read his MIL a bit better before dropping the F-bomb because he clearly offended her. And she has every right to be offended at his behavior in her home.

Yes, he clearly did not read his MIL correctly, and in his case, swearing offended her. Or maybe he said it in an inflammatory way ("I don't give a fuck what you think" or something to that effect).  Or maybe he stubbed his toe and said, "Fuck me! That hurt!". We really do not know the circumstances or context.

BUT - making a blanket statement that one is devoid of common sense and class if they swear in front of their MIL is pretty narrow-minded. Not everyone clutches their pearls at the utterance of a curse word, and I was just pointing out that it is obtuse to claim that regardless of personal circumstance it is never appropriate to swear in front of your ILs.

Knottie1447172022

Thank you all for the input.  I completely agree with having my FI apologize to my mom (he has agreed to do this) for arguing with her.  Additionally, I think she is in the wrong as well by the way she spoke to him and called him names.

Big big big time miscommunication.  I am happy with whatever amount my parents want to contribute if any amount at all.  This whole situation has been a real hot mess.  From day one, when each of my parents offered to pay $15k, my mom is the only one who has had an issue with matching and making sure it is fair for everyone.  Which I think is beyond me... whatever amount they want to contribute, great- no questions asked- no matter how how large or small the amount is.  My mom is set on having everyone spend 15k each.  I told her we may not even reach that sum total all together.

Additionally, there's no back story in all honesty.  In my first post that started this thread was the argument that happened this weekend where all my mom's issues with my FI came out. 

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1447172022 said:

Thank you all for the input.  I completely agree with having my FI apologize to my mom (he has agreed to do this) for arguing with her.  Additionally, I think she is in the wrong as well by the way she spoke to him and called him names.

Big big big time miscommunication.  I am happy with whatever amount my parents want to contribute if any amount at all.  This whole situation has been a real hot mess.  From day one, when each of my parents offered to pay $15k, my mom is the only one who has had an issue with matching and making sure it is fair for everyone.  Which I think is beyond me... whatever amount they want to contribute, great- no questions asked- no matter how how large or small the amount is.  My mom is set on having everyone spend 15k each.  I told her we may not even reach that sum total all together.

Additionally, there's no back story in all honesty.  In my first post that started this thread was the argument that happened this weekend where all my mom's issues with my FI came out. 

I'm glad to hear this.  You can't control what other people do, only what you do.  So while you can't and shouldn't ask your mom to apologize (because I agree she sounds like she was in the wrong too) having FI apologize is a step in the right direction.

Knottie1447172022

I think the matching thing is odd myself- it was my mom's idea.  Both parents agreed to pay 15k and whatever remaining costs incur- my FI and I are responsible for.  Out of no where when we started paying for things is when the drama happened and my mom thought it was inappropriate for my FI to add our travel costs as wedding expenses.  The whole situation is weird, BELIEVE ME!  It's been truly upsetting too because of course, I love my mom and I never want to upset her or have her feelings hurt, but also I want to support my FI's feelings and decisions as well.

Knottie1447172022

Thank you, I agree.  Someone needs to step up and be the bigger person.

KnickerGold

Knottie1447172022 said:

I think the matching thing is odd myself- it was my mom's idea.  Both parents agreed to pay 15k and whatever remaining costs incur- my FI and I are responsible for.  

So it's not 15, 15, 15. It's 15 + 15. 

You Mom obviously believes that wedding expenses do not cover flights, and she doesn't want her money going towards that--she wants that to be part of YOUR expenses- she wants the 30k spent on a venue, officiant, etc. 

Knottie1447172022

The whole matching system I believe transpired when both my mom and dad agreed to help us pay for our wedding.  (My parents are divorced, decent relationship).  I think my mom's logic is that she shouldn't be paying more than my dad is willing to contribute.  I know... weird...  She is all about "if your dad is contributing 15k, then I will contribute 15k". 

flantastic

Knottie1447172022 said:

The whole matching system I believe transpired when both my mom and dad agreed to help us pay for our wedding.  (My parents are divorced, decent relationship).  I think my mom's logic is that she shouldn't be paying more than my dad is willing to contribute.  I know... weird...  She is all about "if your dad is contributing 15k, then I will contribute 15k". 

Cool. Well, I'm guessing the argument came up when someone asked your mom about how she'd be covering the flights or reimbursing you guys for the travel, since those fell under wedding expenses. That seems like a weird conversation to have had.

After your FI apologizes, here's a useful conversation you should have with her. Either she should note what specific items she's wanting to pay for (in which case you know to ask for money when those things are booked), cut you a check for 15k and leave it at that, or do both (i.e. here's the check and here's what I want you to spend it on). If she wants to hold out on the check until she sees your dad also write a check, that's her prerogative, but ask her to outline how she wants the money to be spent so you don't have a similar miscommunication in the future.

SP29

Once FI apologizes, he should not be talking to your mom about the wedding (or any major issues that come up in your future lives). You two need to agree on whatever the issue is first (you said in one of your posts that you didn't really agree with him either), and then you bring it to your mom/dad.

I think you should sit down with your mom and ask her exactly how/where she would like to see her money spent. Perhaps she would like to work something out with your dad that they split the meal or bar 50/50, or she would prefer to take on the cost of some smaller items (DJ, flowers, cake) and write out a cheque for those as needed.

GlamQueenBride

madamerwin said:

GlamQueenBride said:

madamerwin said:

Agreed. I sure as hell swear at MIL's house, because swearing is completely acceptable there (barring the presence of elderly grandma or children of an impressionable age). But when it's all adults playing a game of hearts at 10pm, you'll hear swear words being thrown around like confetti. Same as my house growing up - my dad dropped the F-bomb all the damn time, and we were taught as children that while it is never appropriate to swear at people, there are indeed times when curse words are a great way to convey a point.

So I guess according to @GlamQueenBride I, as well as my MIL and my own family, are completely devoid of common sense and class. 

Everyone's circumstances are different, so you probably shouldn't go telling people they are classless, clueless assholes because of something that you personally deem inappropriate.

And yet, he still pissed his MIL off.. So maybe he should have learned to read his MIL a bit better before dropping the F-bomb because he clearly offended her. And she has every right to be offended at his behavior in her home.

Yes, he clearly did not read his MIL correctly, and in his case, swearing offended her. Or maybe he said it in an inflammatory way ("I don't give a fuck what you think" or something to that effect).  Or maybe he stubbed his toe and said, "Fuck me! That hurt!". We really do not know the circumstances or context.

BUT - making a blanket statement that one is devoid of common sense and class if they swear in front of their MIL is pretty narrow-minded. Not everyone clutches their pearls at the utterance of a curse word, and I was just pointing out that it is obtuse to claim that regardless of personal circumstance it is never appropriate to swear in front of your ILs.

My comments were solely in the context of this scenario. I figured that would be obvious by the fact that it was said on this thread in direct response to why the OP swore in his MIL's home. Clearly, he didn't have assurance that it was okay, so yes, I do think it's classless to assume your ILs won't be offended by you cursing in their home. If it's okay with them, that's fine, but in this case, it clearly was not so the error and lack of class was on the part of the Fi.

madamerwin

 flantastic said:

Knottie1447172022 said:

The whole matching system I believe transpired when both my mom and dad agreed to help us pay for our wedding.  (My parents are divorced, decent relationship).  I think my mom's logic is that she shouldn't be paying more than my dad is willing to contribute.  I know... weird...  She is all about "if your dad is contributing 15k, then I will contribute 15k". 

Cool. Well, I'm guessing the argument came up when someone asked your mom about how she'd be covering the flights or reimbursing you guys for the travel, since those fell under wedding expenses. That seems like a weird conversation to have had.

After your FI apologizes, here's a useful conversation you should have with her. Either she should note what specific items she's wanting to pay for (in which case you know to ask for money when those things are booked), cut you a check for 15k and leave it at that, or do both (i.e. here's the check and here's what I want you to spend it on). If she wants to hold out on the check until she sees your dad also write a check, that's her prerogative, but ask her to outline how she wants the money to be spent so you don't have a similar miscommunication in the future.

In addition to this, I would really suggest creating an itemized list of all of the wedding expenses (which will obviously involve setting a guest list, finding a venue and caterer, DJ, photographer, and all other wedding-day costs) to take to your mom. That way you can say "Here's a list of all of the anticipated wedding expenses; the total is $36,000 (for example). Are you willing to contribute $12,000? Is there anything in particular on this list you would prefer we use your money on?"

This would eliminate any debate over what is and is not "wedding-related." If you can agree on that up-front, and if everyone has a sense of how much it will cost altogether, you will have an easier time.

photokitty

So your FI essentially wanted your parents to pay for your wedding band, assuming your total wedding expenses are under $30K?? Not to mention the travel issue.

I'd be super annoyed if I was your mom, too. I'd be even more pissed if I was you...seriously, he is balking at paying for your wedding band and wants your mom to cover it?? That's messed up.

Maybe he can get her to go halvies on your ering...

spockforprez

Sounds like a hot mess, OP. I'd take your own $15k, give your mom a spa day or something, and have a kickass elopement and honeymoon with the rest.

[Deleted User]

So maybe I'm reading this wrong, but I kind of agree with FI's logic (not really how he went about things).  OP said: "my mom feels he is nickel and dining everything he can to reach our 15k contribution."  To me this suggests FI had an idea of what they, as a couple, had to spend (15K) and what that money needed to cover (wedding day, travel expenses, bands).  It also suggests to me that FI is completely prepared to pay for their travel expenses and wedding bands and isn't expecting the parents to pay.  Mom felt that their (OP and FI) 15K should only cover wedding day.  Fair enough, but the money for travel expenses and wedding bands needs to come from somewhere, and had FI been clear that it wasn't okay for it to come from the wedding budget then he may have entered the initial conversation differently (e.g. we have 10K to put towards wedding day because we also need to save appropriately for our travel expenses and wedding bands.)  

Honestly, I don't even get why this is an issue unless the wedding bands/travel expenses exceed 15K in which case mom and/or dad are expected (by FI) to pick up the remainder.  I mean, why does mom care what OP and FI spend their 15K contribution on unless she's hoping for a super luxurious wedding day?  Would it be okay for OP and FI to only spend 5K?

Mom is free to rescind her offer, she is also free to offer less if she feels that's more fair, but she cannot tell FI/OP they need to spend more than what they're willing to or what they can afford.  If that means they have a less luxurious wedding with a smaller guest list then so be it.

Edited clarity

STARMOON44

scribe95 said:

Both parents agreed to pay 15k and whatever remaining costs incur- my FI and I are responsible for. 

This is completely different than everyone throwing in 15K into the pot. Now I get it.

He wants her to cover travel and your wedding ring as an upfront wedding expense when you guys might not ever get to your contribution. 

If I was your mom I would say no way as well. Travel is on you guys. You chose where to have the wedding. The wedding band I could go either way on.

Yeah completely different situation. And it makes your FI look even worse! Your parents get to decide how to spend their money. As soon as your mom said she didn't want to pay for travel or a wedding band that should have been the end of it.