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What to do...

Knottie56935983Knottie56935983 member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
edited February 2016 in Wedding Party
Hey all, 
so I hardly know where to begin here so I apologize if this is a bit scattered. When my future husband and I began planning our wedding (8/27/16), we each had 8 friends/family members that we wanted to stand by our side as bridesmaids and groomsmen, plus two+ for ushers (that was to be determined yet). Two months ago I got my 8 bridesmaids together and we selected and ordered the dresses. Well my fiancé and one of his friends of many years, who was going to be a groomsmen, got dropped from the picture. So he went down to 7 groomsmen and is torn between picking two of his friends. Now, I have a solution in mind but it's somewhat nontraditional and from what I have read from previous posts can get some people very fired up... but hear me out and please offer positive feedback. My thought is to have 9 groomsmen, 8 bridesmaids, and 1 personal attendant. I know those last two words there can cause a spark but here are some things about that. 1. She would not be my b**ch. Between me, my 8 wonderful bridesmaids, the support of many friends and family, and a wonderful DJ who will coordinate which my equally  wonderful photographer and videographer, I am set. We will be a wonderful team. 2. On the note of "personal attendant" being derogatory to some, I would love to have a different term for her, but what? 3. A lot of my friends (and all of my bridesmaids) don't live that close to me anymore. I am in a college town still trying to get that part of my life in order, so a lot of my friends are spread out. She is definitely the closest person I have here (emotionally and geographically) and I love her to pieces. 4. She wants to help with absolutely anything and everything she can help with. I can't turn that down. 5. Anytime I felt out other people's views on PAs it was always so negative, to the point where I actually felt guilty thinking about even thinking about asking my friend to fill that spot for me, only to find out that she wouldn't mind.
Basically, I am wondering if there is some smooth easy way I can work her into the picture while giving her a special title and figuring out what she will wear. 
Sorry this is long, I am somewhat anxious about the whole thing and getting really sleepy. Plus, after reading some older posts I came across I presented with my defense a bit prematurely. 
Thanks in advance, 
Ash

P.S. I can already assume what any negative response may involve, so if you don't have positive feedback to give please don't waste your time. 
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Re: What to do...

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    SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    No.

    If this friend is SO important to you, she should have been asked to be a BM from the get go, just like all of your other friends.

    The reason you are having a hard time trying to think of a title for her and way to fit her in, is because there isn't one.

    You ask people to stand up beside you because they are your nearest and dearest, not because of their geographical location, what they offer to do for you, or because you have this vision of X number of people. Your WP is not required to do anything except show up the day of in the agreed upon attire.

    WP sides do not have to be even. Don't worry about this 8 on yours and 7 on his. A GM can escort two BMs down the aisle, or they can all walk in separately.

    As for your FI- he should NOT be replacing the GM who stepped down. Again, if these other two friends are SO important, they should have been asked from the get go. He should now have 7 people on his side.

    People get fired up about this because it treats your friends/family like props and second strings.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    redoryx said:
    So, here's an idea: your FI keeps the current 7 groomsmen (because he shouldn't be replacing the one no longer in the party) and you keep your 8 bridesmaids. That seems way easier than any of your alternate plans up above. 
    ^^Succinct.  DD had an uneven number, by choice **gasp**.  Two BM's processed arm in arm with one GM.  Worlds did not collide.  The marriage remains valid.  Friendships remain intact. 

    How did GM#8 "get dropped"?
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You don't need even sides.  If you wanted this friend of yours as a bridesmaid, you would have asked her from the get-go. You can ask her to do a reading, but do not make her a "personal attendant." The title is meaningless. So just accept that you have 8 bridesmaids and he has 7 groomsmen, and let it go at that.
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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Leave things well enough alone!!!  No need to add people, "even sides", or worse, create BS titles for people to be involved!  A wedding is stressful enough already, no need to add more people to the mix.  Also, your wedding is a ways away yet, stuff happens with that many people, you never know if someone is going to drop out (i.e. gets pregnant and put on mandatory bed rest the week of your wedding or a million other out of everyone's control life situations).. 

    And yes - for popcorn's sake why was the one "dropped"????  Please tell me it's not because he tried to hit on you or just didn't reply to the text with his shirt size... 

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    geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    glasgowtolondon said:
    Knottie56935983 said:
    Hey all, 
    so I hardly know where to begin here so I apologize if this is a bit scattered. When my future husband and I began planning our wedding (8/27/16), we each had 8 friends/family members that we wanted to stand by our side as bridesmaids and groomsmen, plus two+ for ushers (that was to be determined yet). Two months ago I got my 8 bridesmaids together and we selected and ordered the dresses. Well my fiancé and one of his friends of many years, who was going to be a groomsmen, got dropped from the picture. So he went down to 7 groomsmen and is torn between picking two of his friends. Now, I have a solution in mind but it's somewhat nontraditional and from what I have read from previous posts can get some people very fired up... but hear me out and please offer positive feedback. My thought is to have 9 groomsmen, 8 bridesmaids, and 1 personal attendant. I know those last two words there can cause a spark but here are some things about that. 1. She would not be my b**ch. Between me, my 8 wonderful bridesmaids, the support of many friends and family, and a wonderful DJ who will coordinate which my equally  wonderful photographer and videographer, I am set. We will be a wonderful team. 2. On the note of "personal attendant" being derogatory to some, I would love to have a different term for her, but what? 3. A lot of my friends (and all of my bridesmaids) don't live that close to me anymore. I am in a college town still trying to get that part of my life in order, so a lot of my friends are spread out. She is definitely the closest person I have here (emotionally and geographically) and I love her to pieces. 4. She wants to help with absolutely anything and everything she can help with. I can't turn that down. 5. Anytime I felt out other people's views on PAs it was always so negative, to the point where I actually felt guilty thinking about even thinking about asking my friend to fill that spot for me, only to find out that she wouldn't mind.
    Basically, I am wondering if there is some smooth easy way I can work her into the picture while giving her a special title and figuring out what she will wear. 
    Sorry this is long, I am somewhat anxious about the whole thing and getting really sleepy. Plus, after reading some older posts I came across I presented with my defense a bit prematurely. 
    Thanks in advance, 
    Ash

    P.S. I can already assume what any negative response may involve, so if you don't have positive feedback to give please don't waste your time. 


    Lol at you editing your post to ask for positive feedback only. Do you by any chance mean 'only respond if you agree with me'? How original of you.

    We've all given you good advice here, please don't treat this woman that you claim to love like an after thought. I'm guessing you don't want to take our advice though, got to keep those even sides! 
    Or only respond if you have euphemism for "personal assistant." Which I don't, so I guess I shouldn't have written this.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    Yeah, you assume what negative responses may be involved AFTER they are already posted? Nice try. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You can put lipstick on a pig.  It's still a pig.  The same goes for a bullshit title like "personal attendant."  You and FI need to plan and pay for your own wedding.  Your WP doesn't have to do anything but show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire for the wedding.

    I'm also very curious about the groomsman who dropped out.  


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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    levioosa said:
    You can put lipstick on a pig.  It's still a pig.  The same goes for a bullshit title like "personal attendant."  You and FI need to plan and pay for your own wedding.  Your WP doesn't have to do anything but show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire for the wedding.

    I'm also very curious about the groomsman who dropped out.  

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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Hi friend, I really like you and want you to be in my wedding, but you aren't important enough to be one of my eight bridesmaids, and well, I don't like you enough to have nine bridesmaids. So how about I make up some title so that I don't feel bad that you're working for my wedding? How about I parade you around and point out to everyone that you didn't make the bridesmaid cut. 

    Yeah, there's no way to do any of this without hurting her. You don't care enough about her to want her to be a bridesmaid. That's fine, but there's no need to rub salt in the wound. Your wedding is not a tool to deliberately humiliate someone. 
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    glasgowtolondonglasgowtolondon member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Lol at you editing your post to ask for positive feedback only. Do you by any chance mean 'only respond if you agree with me'? How original of you.

    We've all given you good advice here, please don't treat this woman that you claim to love like an after thought. I'm guessing you don't want to take our advice though, got to keep those even sides! 
    Or only respond if you have euphemism for "personal assistant." Which I don't, so I guess I shouldn't have written this.
    No! I don't accept your lack of positive feedback - guys, we can do this! Bridal Bitch? Wedding Workhorse? The Help?
                 
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Just call her your friend. 




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    lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    We started with even numbers (just worked out that way) and then DH had a GM drop out for a job he got overseas right before the wedding. DH felt bad that his friend would be missing but NEVER considered replacing him. Our wedding was fine with uneven sides, yours will be too. 

    Also if your other BM already have their dresses it's too late to add another and asking her to be a personal attendant is wrong regardless of what you call it. Ever think that maybe that is why you are having such a hard time thinking of a way to make it not a bad thing?
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    Knottie56935983Knottie56935983 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    My FI and I agreed on our parties and I got mine in order. They had an argument shortly after, before any groomsmen were even asked. Nothing too crazy really, but they just parted ways for a while and they could not see eye to eye about a lot of things. My FI made attempts to mend things but gave up quickly because his friend is quite stubborn (my FI can be stubborn too, I'm not going to deny that). He can be a nice guy but when he decides that he doesn't need his medication he's not quite the same. It's a 180 and it sucks. They've been fine recently but while he has been a good friend in the past, overall he has just become a different person. 

    Thank you for the feedback. While I understand how the duty/title stirs up debate, I was hoping there was something that could work out for this specific situation. I do want to say that I never meant to be/sound demeaning to her, and I truly don't think she would feel that way. However, to an extent I worry about how others would see it, and that was made clear here. 

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    YogaSandyYogaSandy member
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    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    So, here's an idea: your FI keeps the current 7 groomsmen (because he shouldn't be replacing the one no longer in the party) and you keep your 8 bridesmaids. That seems way easier than any of your alternate plans up above. 
    ^^Succinct.  DD had an uneven number, by choice **gasp**.  Two BM's processed arm in arm with one GM.  Worlds did not collide.  The marriage remains valid.  Friendships remain intact. 

    How did GM#8 "get dropped"?
    I was a BM in my BFFs wedding. Her DH had one GM. He escorted me and her sister (other BM) in together. Sides weren't even. Everything was fine. 
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    YogaSandy said:
    MobKaz said:
    redoryx said:
    So, here's an idea: your FI keeps the current 7 groomsmen (because he shouldn't be replacing the one no longer in the party) and you keep your 8 bridesmaids. That seems way easier than any of your alternate plans up above. 
    ^^Succinct.  DD had an uneven number, by choice **gasp**.  Two BM's processed arm in arm with one GM.  Worlds did not collide.  The marriage remains valid.  Friendships remain intact. 

    How did GM#8 "get dropped"?
    I was a BM in my BFFs wedding. Her DH had one GM. He escorted me and her sister (other BM) in together. Sides weren't even. Everything was fine. 
    Reasonable people find it easy to realize reasonable solutions.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    So why isn't asking her to do a reading an option?
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    crowsgirl15crowsgirl15 member
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    Knottie56935983 said:
    My FI and I agreed on our parties and I got mine in order. They had an argument shortly after, before any groomsmen were even asked. Nothing too crazy really, but they just parted ways for a while and they could not see eye to eye about a lot of things. My FI made attempts to mend things but gave up quickly because his friend is quite stubborn (my FI can be stubborn too, I'm not going to deny that). He can be a nice guy but when he decides that he doesn't need his medication he's not quite the same. It's a 180 and it sucks. They've been fine recently but while he has been a good friend in the past, overall he has just become a different person. 

    Thank you for the feedback. While I understand how the duty/title stirs up debate, I was hoping there was something that could work out for this specific situation. I do want to say that I never meant to be/sound demeaning to her, and I truly don't think she would feel that way. However, to an extent I worry about how others would see it, and that was made clear here. 

    The issue is, your situation isn't really that unique. There is no reason to make up a title for this woman except that you want to have even sides, but that ship has sailed. Something happened with your FI and his friend, and you will no longer have even sides. It happens.

    Even if you don't expect her to have duties, asking her to be a personal assistant or ANYTHING other than a bridesmaid inherently says "you aren't good enough to be my bridesmaid, so I gave you this made up title". Just let her be the guest, or ask her to be a reader if you want her to feel special in that way, but you will not have even sides.


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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Knottie56935983 said:
    My FI and I agreed on our parties and I got mine in order. They had an argument shortly after, before any groomsmen were even asked. Nothing too crazy really, but they just parted ways for a while and they could not see eye to eye about a lot of things. My FI made attempts to mend things but gave up quickly because his friend is quite stubborn (my FI can be stubborn too, I'm not going to deny that). He can be a nice guy but when he decides that he doesn't need his medication he's not quite the same. It's a 180 and it sucks. They've been fine recently but while he has been a good friend in the past, overall he has just become a different person. 

    Thank you for the feedback. While I understand how the duty/title stirs up debate, I was hoping there was something that could work out for this specific situation. I do want to say that I never meant to be/sound demeaning to her, and I truly don't think she would feel that way. However, to an extent I worry about how others would see it, and that was made clear here. 

    Why can't you ask her to be a bridesmaid? 

    I just don't understand how 8 is ok, but 9 would be too many. Unless it's that you don't really feel close enough to her to have her as a BM, in which case she should just be a guest. Pointing out that she is a second tier friend is just mean. 
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I change my answer. This unique situation calls for her to be "bounce house attendant." Problem solved.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
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    Why don't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or ask her to do a reading? Or have uneven sides and your wedding will *gasp* still actually be valid?

    Please don't ask her to be a "personal attendant." 

    Also - what's the deal with the dropped groomsman? I'm on the edge of my seat here.
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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    sparklepants41 said:
    Why don't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or ask her to do a reading? Or have uneven sides and your wedding will *gasp* still actually be valid?

    Please don't ask her to be a "personal attendant." 

    Also - what's the deal with the dropped groomsman? I'm on the edge of my seat here.
    She already explained about the groomsman.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    sparklepants41sparklepants41 member
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    AddieCake said:
    sparklepants41 said:
    Why don't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or ask her to do a reading? Or have uneven sides and your wedding will *gasp* still actually be valid?

    Please don't ask her to be a "personal attendant." 

    Also - what's the deal with the dropped groomsman? I'm on the edge of my seat here.
    She already explained about the groomsman.
    Thank you. I'm blaming Monday for my inability to read. 
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    Knottie56935983Knottie56935983 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    charlotte989875 said:
    So why isn't asking her to do a reading an option?
    It is an option and what is going to happen, I was just feeling this out. 
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    Knottie56935983Knottie56935983 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    sparklepants41 said:
    Why don't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or ask her to do a reading? Or have uneven sides and your wedding will *gasp* still actually be valid?

    Please don't ask her to be a "personal attendant." 

    Also - what's the deal with the dropped groomsman? I'm on the edge of my seat here.
    They want the dresses ordered at least 8 months before the date and we are down to 6 months now, so I am at fault there for the timing/unpreparedness. I will be asking her to do a reading. Also, for the record (for anyone who addressed it) I know that the day will go on if there are uneven sides. That is really not a concern of mine. If making it even works out, well that's great. If not, everything is still great. 
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    d.Knottie56935983 said:
    sparklepants41 said:
    Why don't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid? Or ask her to do a reading? Or have uneven sides and your wedding will *gasp* still actually be valid?

    Please don't ask her to be a "personal attendant." 

    Also - what's the deal with the dropped groomsman? I'm on the edge of my seat here.
    They want the dresses ordered at least 8 months before the date and we are down to 6 months now, so I am at fault there for the timing/unpreparedness. I will be asking her to do a reading. Also, for the record (for anyone who addressed it) I know that the day will go on if there are uneven sides. That is really not a concern of mine. If making it even works out,
    Who wants the dresses ordered that early? 




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    MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
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    holyguacamole79 said:
    d.Knottie56935983 said:
      Who wants the dresses ordered that early? 

    The bridal shop that wants the money excessively early and emotionally guilt-tripped the bride through less than ethical tactics that if she didn't get them ordered AT LEAST a full eight months ahead of time her BM's wouldn't have a dress and would have to walk down the aisle in crinolines and strapless long-lines...  I exaggerate, but knowing many bridal shops I've dealt with, not far off!


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