Secular Ceremony / Blessing for Dinner

kimmiinthemitten

FI and I have been discussing this and he told me to "take it the boards."  

We consider ourselves to be Deists, and as such have chosen to have a secular ceremony.

We are debating if we should ask his Catholic Great Aunt if she'd like to offer a blessing before dinner. She does this before every meal, and will likely ask her table to join her in prayer as it is.

Both sides of FI family are religious by nature, Presbyterian on one side and Catholic on the other.  Both sides have been a bit put off that we chose a secular ceremony, and I thought this could be a nice way to incorporate and respect the religious people in our families, without taking a vow based on something we may not believe. 

My family isn't necessarily religious, but I do have a lot of friends who are. In addition to Christians, we also have friends invited who are Muslim, Jewish, Orthodox,  Jadeist and Atheist. Great Aunts blessing would likely be Catholic-based. 

Thoughts?  FI is concerned a blessing based on Catholicism could alienate everyone who isn't Catholic and obviously we wouldn't ask her to do this and then dictate the terms of the prayer.  When I was a devout Methodist, I was never offended by prayers based on a different religion, I just enjoyed the opportunity to pray. Now that I'm no longer religious, I usually just observe a moment of silence when in a group setting that is asked to pray. 

glasgowtolondon

Do you guys want it, or are you doing it for the religious 'others'? If you want it, do it for sure. However, if you are having a secular ceremony and don't believe yourselves then I don't think you should include it. People are welcome to have their own private blessings before eating as suits them / their beliefs.

snakeylady

If you decide to ask anyone to do a blessing, make sure that they know exactly what kind of blessing you are comfortable with.

My husband and I are atheists and had a secular ceremony. My younger brother (nominally Catholic) got ordained online and wrote us a lovely ceremony that did not invoke any religion or spirituality. Our families are largely Presbyterian and Catholic as well, and we had a lot of complements on how pleasant the ceremony was.

We also asked him to say a short, secular/non-denominational "grace" before dinner, along the lines of "Taking a moment to be thankful for love and food and that our family could all come from so far to be here on this special day" or something like that. I think he had concentrated all his efforts on the ceremony, because what he said before dinner was all about God and his blessings. It was thankfully short and I managed to keep smiling through it despite my surprise and dismay.

If you really want to do a blessing before the meal, pick someone who knows exactly how comfortable you are with religiosity and is comfortable saying something that fits that. Maybe a bridesmaid or groomsman who shares your views and is willing to clear the blessing with you first? That way you're comfortable with what is said, and the speaker won't be uncomfortable with meeting your wishes.

lembaslover

glasgowtolondon said:

Do you guys want it, or are you doing it for the religious 'others'? If you want it, do it for sure. However, if you are having a secular ceremony and don't believe yourselves then I don't think you should include it. People are welcome to have their own private blessings before eating as suits them / their beliefs.

I agree with this. I know my parents were a little disappointed we had no religious aspects to our wedding but at the end of the day they know neither my husband or I are religious so it didn't really surprise them. At the end of the day I'm sure they prayed at their table and still have a great time.

I wouldn't be as worried about if people will be offended, my family still prays over meals and I just sit quietly and respectfully while they do and my guess is that is what your guests of other religions or who aren't religious will do. That being said you chose a secular ceremony for a reason so as a guest I'd find it a bit odd if there was a blessing at dinner.

holyguacamole79

Unless she starts praying a Hail Mary or the Litany of Saints, chances are people won't see your aunt's blessing as Catholic instead of Protestant.

I also think the prayer is fine. 

Jen4948

If you're worried about your great-aunt (or anyone else) alienating you and your other guests by offering a blessing that's too biased in favor of one religion or against any views other guests are known to have, I'd skip the blessing.  

Those persons who are disappointed that your wedding is not religious can pray silently, as noted above, including at the reception.

JaxInBlue

We had a civil, secular ceremony and included a blessing before dinner.  DH's family still says a blessing for meals, as do some members of my extended family, and while DH and I don't, we do participate respectfully when we are home (though we consider ourselves more spiritual, leaning agnostic, than religious).

We asked DH's brother to say something simple and short and he went with a pretty standard script, asking God to bless us, our family, our friends and giving thanks for the chance to be together for the day.  It was less than 30 seconds, and I'm fairly certain is came across as Christian (at worst) rather than rabidly Catholic.

I'd see nothing wrong with asking your Aunt to say something, or even asking her to say something you and your FI script.

PamBeesly524

We actually did this... We had a completely secular ceremony - my side of the family has always been a bit lax on religion, whereas H's family are almost all Catholics who practice. H's brother is a youth minister at a college, so we asked him to do a short blessing before the meal. It was short, sweet, and not super specific (kind of like what @JaxInBlue described). I think H was happy to have some sort of religious aspect to the wedding for his family, but we didn't have to compromise our beliefs for the ceremony itself. I think it was perfect.

MandyMost

I've been to a lot of secular ceremonies that included some sort of blessing before dinner. As others mentioned, they were usually pretty generic in that they would basically apply to any monotheistic religion--Christian, Jewish, Muslim, etc. As an atheist I didn't want anything like this at my wedding, but if you're comfortable with it that go for it. 

kimmiinthemitten

Thanks all!

This has been helpful.  It seems like the general consensus is we can go either way, and it likely won't bother people if we do or if we don't.

It is something I would really like to do with these caveats:  it makes sense, it doesn't make people uncomfortable, and it isn't offensive.  We really love his Great Aunt, and would like a way to honor both the religious nature of many of our guests, as well as incorporate someone from FFIL's family (as of right now, we were only having 1 reading).  My thought, and please tell me if it's wrong, was this could be a way for people who view a wedding as a religious event to bless the occasion, without us having to take vows that incorporate something we don't believe strongly in.  Does that make sense?

His Great Aunt came to mind at Thanksgiving, when she asked our table to pray with her.  She is an amazing woman, is strong and secure in her faith, and asking her to do this isn't just asking her to play a role, it's highlighting who she already is as a person (which is why if she declines, we'd probably skip the idea altogether).

We did have concerns this could alienate people of different faiths, more so because as non-religious people we didn't want to assume that what doesn't bother us was universal.  As Deists, we aren't bothered by prayers of any religious nature, because we do believe in a universal creator, it's everything that comes after that is fuzzy to us.

OliveOilsMom

I don't think the blessing would necessarily alienate any people from other religions.  But would YOU be uncomfortable if Great Aunt decides to offer a blessing over you both while also blessing the food to be served during dinner?

holyguacamole79

If I was invited to say a blessing at a wedding where I knew the couple was not really religious, I would keep it as light as possible.  I'd probably just ask for blessing upon the couple and all those joined with us and call it a day.  

I really wouldn't read too much into the prayer, to be totally honest.  And maybe I don't think it's a big deal because I am a person of faith & I'd find this to be a common thing (praying at meals).  But, if Aunt Sue keeps it short, simple, and non-preachy, I really don't think it will be something that people will really recall one way or another.  

But, I also wouldn't go into this thinking that this will make your wedding "okay" with people who may have wished that it was a religious ceremony.  For example, if my nephew grows up and decides to marry in a non-religious ceremony, I'd be disappointed.  I wouldn't say anything and I would graciously attend.  I wouldn't think of a pre-dinner blessing as something that really makes up for the fact that the wedding isn't what I think it should've been. (I really hope this makes sense).
  

kimmiinthemitten

@OliveOilsMom I would not be, but that is a good question to ask FI.  I hadn't thought about that so thank you!

holyguacamole79 that makes perfect sense!  When crazy FMIL learned we were having a secular ceremony, this is how I explained it to her:  "As a person who used to have a strong faith, I have too much respect for the church and it's people to disrespect it like treating it as something you do for fun and holidays. It's disrespectful, in my opinion, to both the church and to our marriage to take our vows and make promises to something we don't 100% believe in."

I know that's not really enough for people who don't see marriage outside of a religious perspective, and that's fine.  To me, asking us to do so is no different than a Catholic person making secular vows.

teddygirl9

I might find it weird (secular ceremony + non religious couple + prayer), but I don't think it would be offensive to anyone. BFs family is muslim, and while they don't pray a ton, at weddings they usually do. I just sit there quietly and let them do their thing.

ernursej

We are having my Grandfather provide a blessing before the meal, despite both of us being non-religious. It is more of a respect piece for those in my family and FIs who are religious. My Grandfather has already asked about how it should go down and we just asked him to keep it short, simple and respectful of those that do not practice or practice a different religion. Having heard his version of a blessing at a wedding before it is likely to go like this "We offer our thanks for those that have gathered together in friendship and love, for the food and drink we going to consume, for those that have assisted in the preparations for today and for the memories that we are making. Amen"

MandyMost

kimmiinthemitten said:

Thanks all!

This has been helpful.  It seems like the general consensus is we can go either way, and it likely won't bother people if we do or if we don't.

It is something I would really like to do with these caveats:  it makes sense, it doesn't make people uncomfortable, and it isn't offensive.  We really love his Great Aunt, and would like a way to honor both the religious nature of many of our guests, as well as incorporate someone from FFIL's family (as of right now, we were only having 1 reading).  My thought, and please tell me if it's wrong, was this could be a way for people who view a wedding as a religious event to bless the occasion, without us having to take vows that incorporate something we don't believe strongly in.  Does that make sense?

His Great Aunt came to mind at Thanksgiving, when she asked our table to pray with her.  She is an amazing woman, is strong and secure in her faith, and asking her to do this isn't just asking her to play a role, it's highlighting who she already is as a person (which is why if she declines, we'd probably skip the idea altogether).

We did have concerns this could alienate people of different faiths, more so because as non-religious people we didn't want to assume that what doesn't bother us was universal.  As Deists, we aren't bothered by prayers of any religious nature, because we do believe in a universal creator, it's everything that comes after that is fuzzy to us.

I'm an atheist, and I dislike organized religion of all kinds for a number of reasons. I would NEVER choose to participate in anything religious, and I hate going to churches and avoid it whenever possible--although I will attend weddings in churches. (I typically skip christenings, however). That being said, I would not have "problem" with a prayer before a dinner at a wedding in any way, even it was all about god and how I was going to hell or something. I'd just roll my eyes to myself, and keep my mouth shut for the minute it took. So don't worry about alienating your guests!

SP29

If a blessing/prayer before dinner is something that would usually be done in your family (sounds like it), then go for it. I wouldn't do it if it makes you or your FI uncomfortable, or if this is something you pulled out of left field (which it isn't).

I'm not a religious person, but prayers do not bother me. I sit quietly and use it for my own reflection time.