Don't want bad Wedding Karma!

Knottie73930905

My parents were invited to a wedding of a second step-cousin. Now that sounds like a stretch, but our extended family is pretty close. My siblings and I are all out of the house, grown adults. I'm engaged, middle has live-in boyfriend, oldest has no interest in marriage. We (thought we) weren't invited because, hey, the happy couple has to draw the line somewhere, right? We were never sent any shower invitations, Save the Date, or a wedding invite. 

Then, my stepmom contacted me late last week to inform me that my FI and I were in fact invited to the wedding (in 6 weeks). The MOB, my aunt, told her so over the phone when they were chatting after my parents' invite had been lost in the mail. I questioned this because we weren't sent any previous mail about it and suggested my aunt, the MOB just took a guess without the guest list in front of her. Stepmom insisted that we were included, but was cagey about the invites she'd been sent, saying she couldn't remember if our names were on them or not. I said how unusual it was to send a invite to just the parents and not individual invitations to the grown children, who are all out of the house with significant others themselves. Stepmom just dismissed it as a way to save postage.

Because we're planning a wedding ourselves, we know you can't just "eh give or take" five people. This was a mistake on someone's part. Either we were accidentally left off every previous item mailed, or we were never invited in the first place. 

My fiance and I would be able to go, we live in the area, but my siblings probably wouldn't be able to get reasonable enough airfare to make it in. My gut reaction was that this was all wishful thinking on my parents' part or that they finagled or pressured the MOB into including us and now the couple are just too polite to say no. We were included on parents' RSVP card, and have a room in their block, so we won't be coming unannounced.

I also wonder if this is us being on a secondary list and included at the last moment, just their way of keeping the numbers down. I wouldn't judge, I know how hard it is!  I'm horrified that we could be racking up some massive bad wedding karma, by attending a wedding I didn't think we were invited to. I need some outside opinions on what is happening here and what we should do.

Blue_Bird

Knottie73930905 said:

My parents were invited to a wedding of a second step-cousin. Now that sounds like a stretch, but our extended family is pretty close. My siblings and I are all out of the house, grown adults. I'm engaged, middle has live-in boyfriend, oldest has no interest in marriage. We (thought we) weren't invited because, hey, the happy couple has to draw the line somewhere, right? We were never sent any shower invitations, Save the Date, or a wedding invite. 

Then, my stepmom contacted me late last week to inform me that my FI and I were in fact invited to the wedding (in 6 weeks). The MOB, my aunt, told her so over the phone when they were chatting after my parents' invite had been lost in the mail. I questioned this because we weren't sent any previous mail about it and suggested my aunt, the MOB just took a guess without the guest list in front of her. Stepmom insisted that we were included, but was cagey about the invites she'd been sent, saying she couldn't remember if our names were on them or not. I said how unusual it was to send a invite to just the parents and not individual invitations to the grown children, who are all out of the house with significant others themselves. Stepmom just dismissed it as a way to save postage.

Because we're planning a wedding ourselves, we know you can't just "eh give or take" five people. This was a mistake on someone's part. Either we were accidentally left off every previous item mailed, or we were never invited in the first place. 

My fiance and I would be able to go, we live in the area, but my siblings probably wouldn't be able to get reasonable enough airfare to make it in. My gut reaction was that this was all wishful thinking on my parents' part or that they finagled or pressured the MOB into including us and now the couple are just too polite to say no. We were included on parents' RSVP card, and have a room in their block, so we won't be coming unannounced.

I also wonder if this is us being on a secondary list and included at the last moment, just their way of keeping the numbers down. I wouldn't judge, I know how hard it is!  I'm horrified that we could be racking up some massive bad wedding karma, by attending a wedding I didn't think we were invited to. I need some outside opinions on what is happening here and what we should do.

It's hard to say exactly what happened here, but I would send a congratulatory card (and perhaps a small gift) and call it a day. Sounds a bit too awkward for me.

levioosa

Knottie73930905 said:

My parents were invited to a wedding of a second step-cousin. Now that sounds like a stretch, but our extended family is pretty close. My siblings and I are all out of the house, grown adults. I'm engaged, middle has live-in boyfriend, oldest has no interest in marriage. We (thought we) weren't invited because, hey, the happy couple has to draw the line somewhere, right? We were never sent any shower invitations, Save the Date, or a wedding invite. 

Then, my stepmom contacted me late last week to inform me that my FI and I were in fact invited to the wedding (in 6 weeks). The MOB, my aunt, told her so over the phone when they were chatting after my parents' invite had been lost in the mail. I questioned this because we weren't sent any previous mail about it and suggested my aunt, the MOB just took a guess without the guest list in front of her. Stepmom insisted that we were included, but was cagey about the invites she'd been sent, saying she couldn't remember if our names were on them or not. I said how unusual it was to send a invite to just the parents and not individual invitations to the grown children, who are all out of the house with significant others themselves. Stepmom just dismissed it as a way to save postage.

Because we're planning a wedding ourselves, we know you can't just "eh give or take" five people. This was a mistake on someone's part. Either we were accidentally left off every previous item mailed, or we were never invited in the first place. 

My fiance and I would be able to go, we live in the area, but my siblings probably wouldn't be able to get reasonable enough airfare to make it in. My gut reaction was that this was all wishful thinking on my parents' part or that they finagled or pressured the MOB into including us and now the couple are just too polite to say no. We were included on parents' RSVP card, and have a room in their block, so we won't be coming unannounced.

I also wonder if this is us being on a secondary list and included at the last moment, just their way of keeping the numbers down. I wouldn't judge, I know how hard it is!  I'm horrified that we could be racking up some massive bad wedding karma, by attending a wedding I didn't think we were invited to. I need some outside opinions on what is happening here and what we should do.

Bad wedding karma isn't a thing. But hosting poorly will have equally poor results.

I honestly am getting the feeling that you were B-listed.  If your mom pressured them, that was equally rude. I'm a little confused about the "included on the RSVP card."  Like, the number of people attending was already written in?  Or step-mom added you to the RSVP?   

FYI, B-listing is incredibly rude.  It tells your guests that they are second tier. If you are thinking of B-listing, stop right now.  Make the list of people who you want to be there and match it with your budget.  If you can't afford to host that amount, make adjustments to the guest list.  

I personally wouldn't go, because your options are either your step-mom rudely pressured the B & G into inviting you, or because you were B-listed.  

thisismynickname2

What levioosa said. 

Too awkward all around to attend. Send a nice card. 

MesmrEwe

IMO - call up the bride!  Chances are she's on Facebook if you can't find a number anywhere.  If you're important enough to be invited as a guest to their wedding, you're close enough that a phone call isn't improper.  Too often in society we've gotten away from "swallow your pride and pick up the phone and just ask!" Really - it's o.k.!  I can't count the number of brides who've come on here with horror stories about being on the bride's side of the issue ("HELP!  MOB asked __ more people - how do I fix this?").  OTOH, not everyone reads the etiquette and addressing book to know how they're suppose to address a wedding invite (we had this with DH's cousin - the only names on the invite were his and mine - when he really intended to invite everyone's kids in the family since that was family etiquette - how I found that out is we were at work and he was waiting on our RSVP and I said we were still looking for a sitter along with SIL and he got a surprised look on his face "I thought people knew kids are also invited!" - it happens!!!)...  It's better to call and confirm so both you know and in the event the bride doesn't know, you've got her back...

levioosa

MesmrEwe said:

IMO - call up the bride!  Chances are she's on Facebook if you can't find a number anywhere.  If you're important enough to be invited as a guest to their wedding, you're close enough that a phone call isn't improper.  Too often in society we've gotten away from "swallow your pride and pick up the phone and just ask!" Really - it's o.k.!  I can't count the number of brides who've come on here with horror stories about being on the bride's side of the issue.  OTOH, not everyone reads the etiquette and addressing book to know how they're suppose to address a wedding invite (we had this with DH's cousin - the only names on the invite were his and mine - when he really intended to invite everyone's kids in the family since that was family etiquette - how I found that out is we were at work and he was waiting on our RSVP and I said we were still looking for a sitter along with SIL and he got a surprised look on his face "I thought people knew kids are also invited!" - it happens!!!)

I don't think this is great advice.  All the communication about invitations has been through the MOB and step-mom.  If B & G wanted OP there, they would have communicated that directly.  

Also, if someone I didn't talk to often hunted down my number off of Facebook and called me about an invitation, I would think that was creepy as hell.  

AddieCake

I agree not to go and send a card.

lnixon8

levioosa said:

MesmrEwe said:

IMO - call up the bride!  Chances are she's on Facebook if you can't find a number anywhere.  If you're important enough to be invited as a guest to their wedding, you're close enough that a phone call isn't improper.  Too often in society we've gotten away from "swallow your pride and pick up the phone and just ask!" Really - it's o.k.!  I can't count the number of brides who've come on here with horror stories about being on the bride's side of the issue.  OTOH, not everyone reads the etiquette and addressing book to know how they're suppose to address a wedding invite (we had this with DH's cousin - the only names on the invite were his and mine - when he really intended to invite everyone's kids in the family since that was family etiquette - how I found that out is we were at work and he was waiting on our RSVP and I said we were still looking for a sitter along with SIL and he got a surprised look on his face "I thought people knew kids are also invited!" - it happens!!!)

I don't think this is great advice.  All the communication about invitations has been through the MOB and step-mom.  If B & G wanted OP there, they would have communicated that directly.  

Also, if someone I didn't talk to often hunted down my number off of Facebook and called me about an invitation, I would think that was creepy as hell.  

These "kids" are all grown adults, not young children that need a sitter.

Agree with @levioosa about finding my number off facebook. Even more than creeped out I would be seriously pissed if someone called me to see if they was invited.

There is no reason to save postage for (again) adults that don't live with their parents....I know all people over 18 should be sent their own invite but if the person in question is a high school senior I don't think it's a huge offence. 

JediElizabeth

levioosa said:

MesmrEwe said:

IMO - call up the bride!  Chances are she's on Facebook if you can't find a number anywhere.  If you're important enough to be invited as a guest to their wedding, you're close enough that a phone call isn't improper.  Too often in society we've gotten away from "swallow your pride and pick up the phone and just ask!" Really - it's o.k.!  I can't count the number of brides who've come on here with horror stories about being on the bride's side of the issue.  OTOH, not everyone reads the etiquette and addressing book to know how they're suppose to address a wedding invite (we had this with DH's cousin - the only names on the invite were his and mine - when he really intended to invite everyone's kids in the family since that was family etiquette - how I found that out is we were at work and he was waiting on our RSVP and I said we were still looking for a sitter along with SIL and he got a surprised look on his face "I thought people knew kids are also invited!" - it happens!!!)

I don't think this is great advice.  All the communication about invitations has been through the MOB and step-mom.  If B & G wanted OP there, they would have communicated that directly.  

Also, if someone I didn't talk to often hunted down my number off of Facebook and called me about an invitation, I would think that was creepy as hell.  

I actually agree with contacting the bride, especially since OP said it was a close knit family, where they all know each other well.

I'd probably not get her number from FB, but I may send a message such as "Hi, I got some confusing info about your wedding, and I wanted to go straight to the source to see if she's right. Could you please message or call me at ###-###-#### when you have time?"

As the bride, I'd appreciate an assertive approach, instead of people trying to figure it out behind my back. I'd also appreciate knowing if my mom was inviting people without telling me. 

madamerwin

I don't think you should CALL the bride; if she was not planning to invite you, it will be putting her on the spot, especially if you think the B&G would be too polite to say "no". However, if you WANT to attend, I think it would be appropriate to FB message or email her for clarification. By emailing/messaging, you are allowing her time to come up with a response, vs. on the phone when she will (maybe) have to explain that you were not invited.

In the message, I would just say something like, "Hi cousin! We just received a verbal invite to your wedding through your mom via my stepmom, and I just wanted to check in about it. I completely understand that you cannot invite everyone you want to your wedding, so if this was a misunderstanding, I completely understand. We just do not want to show up to your wedding unannounced or uninvited. Feel free to call or text me at xxx-xxxx."

If I were in your shoes, though, I would send a card and a small gift and call it a day, because I would rather avoid awkward conversations.

[Deleted User]

Cousin, I think my parents may have added me and SO to their RSVP.  I know that's not how invitations work, so please don't worry about it.  Have a great wedding and we'll see you at the next family event.

If cousin calls you up and says, "of course you're welcome to join us, are you available?"  Then you can go ahead and accept an ACTUAL (albeit verbal) invitation.

madamerwin

adk19 said:

Cousin, I think my parents may have added me and SO to their RSVP.  I know that's not how invitations work, so please don't worry about it.  Have a great wedding and we'll see you at the next family event.

If cousin calls you up and says, "of course you're welcome to join us, are you available?"  Then you can go ahead and accept an ACTUAL (albeit verbal) invitation.

Actually, I like this better. You should do this.

SP29

I was going to suggest not assuming you are invited (via 3rd string word of mouth) and leave it. If you were sent an invitation, then the B&G should contact you if they haven't received a response by their RSVP date.

I am confused about your parent's invitation. No, you should not be included on your parent's invite. But did your parents actually receive one?

We had a guest who did not receive an invitation, so we sent another one. I would not accept, "Oh sure you were invited, on your parent's invitation" without seeing this invitation either.

We also did not receive one or two RSVP cards, and we contacted those guests to find out they did in fact mail them, but they got lost.

MesmrEwe

JediElizabeth said:

levioosa said:

MesmrEwe said:

IMO - call up the bride!  Chances are she's on Facebook if you can't find a number anywhere.  If you're important enough to be invited as a guest to their wedding, you're close enough that a phone call isn't improper.  Too often in society we've gotten away from "swallow your pride and pick up the phone and just ask!" Really - it's o.k.!  I can't count the number of brides who've come on here with horror stories about being on the bride's side of the issue.  OTOH, not everyone reads the etiquette and addressing book to know how they're suppose to address a wedding invite (we had this with DH's cousin - the only names on the invite were his and mine - when he really intended to invite everyone's kids in the family since that was family etiquette - how I found that out is we were at work and he was waiting on our RSVP and I said we were still looking for a sitter along with SIL and he got a surprised look on his face "I thought people knew kids are also invited!" - it happens!!!)

I don't think this is great advice.  All the communication about invitations has been through the MOB and step-mom.  If B & G wanted OP there, they would have communicated that directly.  

Also, if someone I didn't talk to often hunted down my number off of Facebook and called me about an invitation, I would think that was creepy as hell.  

I actually agree with contacting the bride, especially since OP said it was a close knit family, where they all know each other well.

I'd probably not get her number from FB, but I may send a message such as "Hi, I got some confusing info about your wedding, and I wanted to go straight to the source to see if she's right. Could you please message or call me at ###-###-#### when you have time?"

As the bride, I'd appreciate an assertive approach, instead of people trying to figure it out behind my back. I'd also appreciate knowing if my mom was inviting people without telling me. 

This is what I was trying to get at - sorry if it didn't seem clear!!!  

Knottie73930905

OP Update! 

Not long after I put up this post, I wound up just reaching out to the bride. I think in my original post I didn't really address that we're very friendly; closer in distance and age than my siblings, and more similar than many of our other cousins. If we hadn't been included on their guest list, it was because no second cousins were invited, and not because we didn't really know each other. I realized that we're tight enough that both of us could be honest about this incredibly weird and awkward situation. (Seriously. So awkward.)

I told her we were confused and asked for her clarification emphasizing that we wanted nothing more than to follow her originally intended wishes. It really was just a series of weird things that led to us being in an awkward situation. As it turns out, the save-the-date had been addressed to "The LastName Family," in an effort to save on postage to three additional residences. Then, when she turned over her guest list to the hostess of the Shower, (who was a friend and didn't know us,) she didn't have the name of my sisters and I, so she just sent it to our stepmom without our names. Bride wasn't aware of all that and figured it out after I contacted her.

She was deeply apologetic as she explained and laughed that it didn't even save that much on postage so they were extra mortified it led to such confusion. Bride took the opportunity to advise we consider this as we plan our own wedding.  Now we're looking forward to attending her wedding without a shred of hesitation. Thank you all very much for your input - it is very appreciated!

SP29

Glad it worked out

And a good lesson. All adults should receive their own invitation (of course SOs residing in the same household are included on one invite), it avoids confusion and let adults be responsible for their own decision to attend or not. Also, stay away from addressing anything as "The Smith Family"- that can mean anything, including a family of 8 with grandma and grandpa in tow.