sister going through marriage trouble -- how to avoid conflict?

Jackie_Jormpjomp

Let me start by saying this is a very long story in the middle of legal issues, so some of the details will be left out for privacy. 

My sister is my bridesmaid and she is in the middle of some very serious marriage issues. About two months ago she left her husband on a trial separation basis, filed divorce papers and has since considered reconciling in the best interest of their children (it's a huge ugly complicated mess, so while it may appear as though she's making rash decisions in a short amount of time, it's been very difficult for everyone involved.) 

The reasons for why she chose to separate from her husband have caused my family to want nothing to do with him - he's not welcome in our lives. If she decides to go back to him, that's her own business, but he won't be part of our lives. 

My wedding is in about 4 months and I am filled with anxiety over this. My sister has been known to go off the grid if she feels like she's being slighted. I know she wants more than anything for her marriage to work, but how should I proceed? 

msuprincess04

Let it go. There should be no anxiety as far as the wedding is concerned. If she goes back to him, you invite him, as you would any significant other of an invited guest, and you move on. Your family will need to act like adults for a night and get over it, if he chooses to come. You be the person your sister needs you to be, not the bride who's trying to control someone else's life so her wedding day is easier.  

pegasuskat

Unless its abuse, then your family needs to stay out of it.  If she chooses to keep her marriage her family should accept that and him.  He doesn't need to be your best friend, but he needs to be invited and welcomed to events.  Your sister needs her family to support her decisions, even if you don't agree with them sometimes.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

@pegasuskat and if it is?  (ETA - hypothetically)

climbingsingle

Priscilla2016 said:

Let me start by saying this is a very long story in the middle of legal issues, so some of the details will be left out for privacy. 

My sister is my bridesmaid and she is in the middle of some very serious marriage issues. About two months ago she left her husband on a trial separation basis, filed divorce papers and has since considered reconciling in the best interest of their children (it's a huge ugly complicated mess, so while it may appear as though she's making rash decisions in a short amount of time, it's been very difficult for everyone involved.) 

The reasons for why she chose to separate from her husband have caused my family to want nothing to do with him - he's not welcome in our lives. If she decides to go back to him, that's her own business, but he won't be part of our lives. 

My wedding is in about 4 months and I am filled with anxiety over this. My sister has been known to go off the grid if she feels like she's being slighted. I know she wants more than anything for her marriage to work, but how should I proceed? 

Stuck in box!
What exactly are you concerned about that? That she won't show up? That she'll bring him? Can you provide more info?

scrunchythief

Priscilla2016 said:

@pegasuskat and if it is?  (ETA - hypothetically)

It might still be best to invite him.  You said your sister has been known to " go off the grid if she feels like she's being slighted."  For your sister's sake, as long as he's not abusing anyone but her, I'd avoid "slighting" her.  Abusers often isolate their victims, which makes it harder to get out.  If it's possible for you and your safety, I'd try to ensure you keep contact with her.

I'm assuming he's not directly abusing the children, since she's considering staying with him for their sake.  But, if he, hypothetically, is abusing her, that's most likely going to hurt the kids too.  Abuse, of one of us or DD, is one of the few conditions DH and I have where we would get legally divorced.  

Jackie_Jormpjomp

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

banana468

Priscilla2016 said:

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

I think you need to look at the scenarios:

-If you invite her without him, what will he do?   Is he a controlling abusive person to just her?   If so, do you think she would even attend?   Would she be "allowed" to attend?

-If you invite the two of them together, and he's a controlling abusive person, will he make a scene?  Will the other members of your family who are NOT controlling and abusive make a scene?

I am making a lot of assumptions here but if the husband here is a controlling jerk then there's nothing you can do to make him stop being this way.   And unless your sister is willing to leave him permanently they're married.    Unless he was starting fist fights with your dad / FI / mom, etc then the issues in their marriage are THEIR issues.   

That doesn't mean that you can't be concerned for your sister's safety and well-being.   But as far as extending a wedding invitation goes, if your sister is married and her DH isn't a threat to your guests then he's invited with her.

climbingsingle

Priscilla2016 said:

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

Well, you can't force her to be there. If she doesn't show up, I'm sure you'll be upset and hurt and a whole lot of other emotions. But you'll still be getting married to a person you love very much - try not to let this overshadow what should be a really happy day for you and your FI. 

Without more info on what this man has done to your sister, I really don't know what to say. If he's been abusive and you are worried for someone's safety, I think it's OK to say he can't be there. But if that's not the case, and she wants him to be there with her, I don't think you should exclude him. 

msuprincess04

Priscilla2016 said:

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

"Acting like adults" doesn't mean pretending a difficult situation doesn't exist. It means not letting it control your actions, and affect other parts of your life. Adults regularly deal with people and situations that are complicated, it's part of life. But adults also don't cause a scene or behave inappropriately as a response.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

msuprincess04 said:

Priscilla2016 said:

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

"Acting like adults" doesn't mean pretending a difficult situation doesn't exist. It means not letting it control your actions, and affect other parts of your life. Adults regularly deal with people and situations that are complicated, it's part of life. But adults also don't cause a scene or behave inappropriately as a response.

I'm not all that familiar to what you're referring to, because as far as I'm concerned - it goes without saying that yes, normal people can conduct themselves without a spectacle. Why would a wedding be any different? There is a huge difference between making plans or accommodating to a complicated situation quietly- without anyone other than those directly involved to know anything at all- than causing a messy scene. 

banana468

Priscilla2016 said:

msuprincess04 said:

Priscilla2016 said:

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

"Acting like adults" doesn't mean pretending a difficult situation doesn't exist. It means not letting it control your actions, and affect other parts of your life. Adults regularly deal with people and situations that are complicated, it's part of life. But adults also don't cause a scene or behave inappropriately as a response.

I'm not all that familiar to what you're referring to, because as far as I'm concerned - it goes without saying that yes, normal people can conduct themselves without a spectacle. Why would a wedding be any different? There is a huge difference between making plans or accommodating to a complicated situation quietly- without anyone other than those directly involved to know anything at all- than causing a messy scene. 

I think the issue right now is that due to your desire to be private (which is understandable), you're sharing so few details that it's hard to understand what worries you and what you think may happen on your wedding if the husband attends. 

Jackie_Jormpjomp

banana468 said:

I think the issue right now is that due to your desire to be private (which is understandable), you're sharing so few details that it's hard to understand what worries you and what you think may happen on your wedding if the husband attends. 

That makes sense. I get that there are plenty of brides that come to the forums with silly/overblown situations ( tbf in a dire moment I may have been one in the past.) But PP came across as guns-blazing-with-snark, and admittedly I am a little sensitive and distraught over this because I am so worried about my sister. 

PrettyGirlLost

Priscilla2016 said:

@pegasuskat and if it is?  (ETA - hypothetically)

If your sister is being abused, or you suspect she is being abused, then you should consider going to a counselor or contacting a support group that specializes in abuse, and getting advice from them on how to help and support your sister.

Ostracizing and isolating her when she and her kids are most vulnerable is probably not the best way to deal with the situation, and by choosing to ban her husband from family events you will in essence be ostracizing and isolating her.

But this isn't my wheelhouse, so  you need to speak to the appropriate people and get real advice.

Priscilla2016 said:

@climbingwife my concern is that she won't show up, and since my wedding is happening in the middle of this that it will cause her to go radio silent to our family (which she has done before.) 

I am also concerned about him being there and it causing discomfort for other people -- namely my parents. And with all due respect to PP, there is nothing "acting like adults" will do to make this a more pleasant situation. Sometimes real life shit is difficult to deal with and pretending it doesn't exist just isn't an option. 

It's on the rest of you to figure out the best way to deal with the situation, and to do what's in your sister's best interest.  If that means getting over your own discomfort so you can all be in a room together, then so be it.

Acting like adults means you control your own feelings and you do what's best for the other person, and you accept that you can't always control or change or fix things.

Again, if your sister is being abused and choosing to stay with her husband, then you and your parents need to go talk to professionals who know how to deal with these situations so you can get advice on how not to make the situation worse for your sister and learn how you can help her.

climbingsingle

Priscilla2016 said:

banana468 said:

I think the issue right now is that due to your desire to be private (which is understandable), you're sharing so few details that it's hard to understand what worries you and what you think may happen on your wedding if the husband attends. 

That makes sense. I get that there are plenty of brides that come to the forums with silly/overblown situations ( tbf in a dire moment I may have been one in the past.) But PP came across as guns-blazing-with-snark, and admittedly I am a little sensitive and distraught over this because I am so worried about my sister. 

I don't see any post that was snarky, let alone "guns-blazing". 

Jackie_Jormpjomp

climbingwife said:

I don't see any post that was snarky, let alone "guns-blazing". 

"Your family will need to act like adults for a night and get over it"

is snarky. I personally don't know anyone who wouldn't behave as adults, though, so perhaps I'm misreading this. If that's the case, then I apologize - I get that some people have friends/family who would cause a scene at a wedding, I just don't know any myself. 

PrettyGirlLost

Priscilla2016 said:

climbingwife said:

I don't see any post that was snarky, let alone "guns-blazing". 

"Your family will need to act like adults for a night and get over it"

is snarky. I personally don't know anyone who wouldn't behave as adults, though, so perhaps I'm misreading this. If that's the case, then I apologize - I get that some people have friends/family who would cause a scene at a wedding, I just don't know any myself. 

That's not snarky at all.  That's a very direct and blunt statement.  And it's solid advice.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

*sigh* 

the implication that someone wouldn't behave in a grown matter is indeed snarky, and not something that needs to be a reminder. I mean, sure - some people may need to be reminded to act civilized, but not anyone that I know.  Sorry not sorry, it's not solid advice for most people, it just goes without saying. 

climbingsingle

Priscilla2016 said:

*sigh* 

the implication that someone wouldn't behave in a grown matter is indeed snarky, and not something that needs to be a reminder. I mean, sure - some people may need to be reminded to act civilized, but not anyone that I know.  Sorry not sorry, it's not solid advice for most people, it just goes without saying. 

That's not snarky. Sometimes people get so caught up in their own emotions that they need to be reminded to put that aside to celebrate what should be a happy occasion. Yes, everyone should always behave in a proper, civilized manner. Many times that does not happen. 

You won't give us more info about your sister's situation, so I don't know what advice you expect. If your sister wants to continue to be married to this man, you'll need to extend an invite to him. Unless, as previously mentioned, he poses a serious threat to you or your guests. 

thefanciestbeckler

I don't think anybody is intentionally being snarky here. It's just difficult to tell what you're worried will happen if you invite her husband given the few details we have. Also, we do unfortunately see lots of brides who have legitimate concerns that their families will not behave like adults at their wedding.

I do agree with PPs on this though- there's a difference between "He isn't welcome in our lives because we don't like him anymore" and "He isn't welcome in our lives because he is abusive and/or poses a danger to sister/kids/other family members". Since you're wanting to keep details private (and understandably so), only you can truly know which side of the fence this situation falls on.

I do hate it for you though, OP. It is really tough to see a loved one going through something like this. I hope it all works out well.

lnixon8

If it is abuse and you see it for yourself later on you can say to her "I noticed that you didn't seem yourself after H called you_. Are you okay? Do you need anything? I am ALWAYS here if you need."

Otherwise "The reasons for why she chose to separate from her husband have caused my family to want nothing to do with him " makes it seem like maybe he's an asshole who your family doesn't like. In which case your family does need to get over it. Many if not a majority of large weddings feature people that may be estranged or not get along with another person present. No snarkiness- just unfortunate truth of families/marriages/inlaws

climbingsingle

lnixon8 said:

If it is abuse and you see it for yourself later on you can say to her "I noticed that you didn't seem yourself after H called you_. Are you okay? Do you need anything? I am ALWAYS here if you need."

Otherwise "The reasons for why she chose to separate from her husband have caused my family to want nothing to do with him " makes it seem like maybe he's an asshole who your family doesn't like. In which case your family does need to get over it. Many if not a majority of large weddings feature people that may be estranged or not get along with another person present. No snarkiness- just unfortunate truth of families/marriages/inlaws

I'm very close with my younger cousin. She was married to a man that none of us cared for. They broke up and got back together many times. He was an asshole and treated her like crap. He manipulated her and was controlling. During the times they were separated, he'd try to contact me, her brother, her mom, her dad, each time trying to disparage my cousin. It was so bad, we'd have to block him from social media so he couldn't contact us. She continued to get back together with him, and as much as we hated it, we had to accept it. At the time of my wedding, they were together and I had to put his name on the invite. I was angry at even seeing his name, TBH. But I had to put that aside. 

PrettyGirlLost

Priscilla2016 said:

*sigh* 

the implication that someone wouldn't behave in a grown matter is indeed snarky, and not something that needs to be a reminder. I mean, sure - some people may need to be reminded to act civilized, but not anyone that I know.  Sorry not sorry, it's not solid advice for most people, it just goes without saying. 

No, it's not.  You are just choosing to read that tone into what we are saying.

If people always behaved appropriately throughout their lives and always knew exactly how to appropriately handle a situation, then there would be no employed therapists, counselors, no published self help books, etc. in the world.

Acting appropriately in a given situation doesn't "just go without saying" for many, many people, and these forums offer a hint of that; There's a shit ton of posts on these forums each week filled with needless drama that would have all been avoided if the people involved knew how to communicate properly, deal with conflict in a functional manner, stopped acting passive aggressive, set and enforced boundaries, used common sense, etc. . . you know, if they just acted like adults. 

In your title you are asking us how to avoid conflict. . . shouldn't it just go without saying for you and your family how to avoid conflict and act accordingly, based on what you are saying above? 

NOW I'm being snarky.

You're still conflating the phrase acting like adults with not causing a scene.  That's not what we are talking about when we say you and your parents need to act like adults- again, acting like adults means you control your own feelings and you do what's best for the other person, and you accept that you can't always control or change or fix things.  It's on the rest of you to figure out the best way to deal with the situation, and to do what's in your sister's best interest.  If that means getting over your own discomfort so you can all be in a room together, then so be it.

And if she is being abused seek professional advice on how to deal with it so  you don't make the situation worse.

 

banana468

I'm not seeing snark either.   I've seen plenty of grown adults who SHOULD be capable of handling themselves make scenes.   And many of those making the scenes would use the line uttered by children 5 years old and US Presidential candidates from NY, "I didn't start it."

My own MIL can find herself in rare form.   Most of the time she's just fine.   Other times I've witnessed her so awful that I needed to do major liver damage to myself and others in her wake.   Before I dated DH she created a scene one year at Thanksgiving that caused my FIL to need to leave his sister's home with DH and his brother just to cool off.   My point - Sometimes you DO need to tell people that you trust that they'll be adults.   Because plenty of times they don't. 

holyguacamole79

I also agree that the comment you referenced wasn't really sparky, but honest advice. 

I can somewhat relate to your situation, @Priscilla2016 .  My brother got married 3 months before we did.   He and his (now ex) wife had financial issues that caused a LOT of tension.   My brother went off the handle with me at Christmas (6 weeks before our wedding).  It got to the point that my (then FI, now DH) left my parents house and drove 3.5 hours home in the middle of the night to get away.   I was incredibly scared and wanted to uninvite him.   His (now ex) wife was one of my bridesmaids.   He showed up to the wedding just in time for family pictures.   I think we said 5 words to each other.   He left shortly after the cake was cut.   They split up 2 months later.   

I was VERY anxious about our wedding.   I didn't know if my brother was going to flip out over something innocent or if he and his wife would get into an argument there.   Fortunately, they all acted like adults and the wedding went off wonderfully. 

You have 4 months.   You're in the sweet spot of wedding planning where most of the early stuff is done and you can't do some other things until you get RSVPs in.   Just see how things go for now and reevaluate the situation when you're ready to send out invites.  If they are together and he does not pose a physical threat to your guests,  then invite him.   Let your family know that you are respecting the fact that they are a family and you expect them to do the same.  If his abuse gets to the point where you are legitimately concerned for the physical safety of those at the wedding, then calmly explain to your sister why you're not inviting him.   Be prepared for her to possibly not come. 

I feel for you,  I really do.   After my brother's explosion 6 weeks before our wedding, I was petrified.  Just take things one day at a time.   Focus your energy on supporting your sister and take your wedding out of the equation for now. 

Good luck!

Heffalump

OP, between this and some of your other posts, I'm not sure you're going to find what you're looking for here.  I wish you well and hope it all works out for your sister.

STARMOON44

Maybe just ask your sister whether she would like him to be invited and do what she says? Her feelings about his presence are the most important. 

glasgowtolondon

I think the situation sounds awful and I don't doubt you are struggling with what to do, but I don't see where any of the comments here are snarky. People here have just tried to give advice when asked, you can choose to read it with good intentions or not, which it seems you've made up your mind. It's not within your gift to control this situation so unfortunately I agree with pp's that you just need to be there for your sister when needed, and focus on your wedding. I truly hope this doesn't affect your wedding day.

IwantSomeKnotStuff

Sometimes what the abused person need is for their loved ones to stand by them and their decisions.  She may be gaining the strength to do the "unthinkable" (leaving him for good) and, in this time, does not need added stress caused by family feuds.  Keep in mind that abused individuals may have had their self-esteem decimated for a long time and so need to be treated delicately and without judgment.

If you exclude him, you might just exclude her from your wedding day.  That will probably hurt you and will probably hurt her.

This is just one third party's opinion.  I can understand that this is difficult for you.  You want the  best for your sister and don't want to condone the man who mistreats her.  She is lucky to have you.

mntravelingmama

None of this really has anything to do with your wedding and will unlikely affect your wedding day.  Talk with your sister as to how you can best support her. Regardless of your feelings toward her husband, put her and her children first. 

OurWildKingdom

PPs covered it, but I want to suggest that if you do think he (or anyone else in your family) will make a scene, you should give a discreet heads-up to any security personnel. 

As for snarkiness, I doubt that was anyone's intention, but I imagine you feel very sensitive right now and it's hard not to take things personally. My SIL has a history of being rude to our family and borderline verbally abusive to my brother, nephew, and niece. Of course, I'm protective of my brother, but he made his choice and intends to stay with her (they are very Catholic). They're getting help individually and together, and I'm starting to see some change for the better. It's hard to let go of that bad blood, but I have to for the sake of my family and (more importantly) my own mental health.

Talk to your sister, honor her wishes, and know that a lot can change in four months. Talk to the rest of your family too, if you feel that's necessary.

I feel for you, but being the bigger person and supporting your sister regardless of her choices is going to be best for your relationship with her and your wellbeing. Holding on to anger makes me physically ill.