FMIL Inviting Unwanted Guests

Knottie1439487487

FI and I have recently found out my FMIL is inviting guests verbally and many of them are not on our guest list. We are attempting to keep our invitees to a minimum and extra guests are not in our budget. She's even gone so far as to give some of them hotel information and they've reserved rooms in our block! But now FI and I are going to look like complete jerks if we don't invite them and I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. 

OliveOilsMom

Knottie1439487487 said:

FI and I have recently found out my FMIL is inviting guests verbally and many of them are not on our guest list. We are attempting to keep our invitees to a minimum and extra guests are not in our budget. She's even gone so far as to give some of them hotel information and they've reserved rooms in our block! But now FI and I are going to look like complete jerks if we don't invite them and I'm at a loss as to how to handle this. 

Your FI needs to tell his mother that SHE needs to fix this.  It is her mess to start and hers to clean up.  He needs to make it perfectly clear that everyone she has verbally invited will have no place to sit and will be asked to leave.  He should make it clear that SHE will look like the bad person when these guests have to leave the reception.

If she won't do it (I'd actually sit there while she makes the calls), then you and your FI need to contact these people.  I would still put the onus on FMIL for their invitation.  "Hello 2nd cousin twice removed?  Yes, this is Knottie#s.  I'm very sorry to call and tell you but FMIL was not authorized to extend any invitations to people not on our guest list.  We have a strict number we need to stay with because of fire code (white lie, but its a problem people cannot throw money at), so I'm sorry to inform you that we are unable to accommodate you at the wedding."

madamerwin

Ugh, sorry you're dealing with this! First: Is FMIL contributing financially to the wedding? If so, she should have been allowed a say in the guest list. If this is the case and invitations have not gone out, I would recommend having your FI let her know that she can invite X number of people, and you need their names and addresses by X date. But she must give you the names, and she cannot invite whomever she pleases outside of that list.

If she is not contributing financially, then she gets zero say in who is invited. If this is the case, your FI needs to talk to her about it, ASAP. "Mom, I know you have been verbally inviting people to our wedding, but these people are not on our guest list. You need to let them know ASAP that you made a mistake, and that unfortunately we will not be able to accommodate them. If you do not talk to them, or if uninvited guests show up at the venue, they will be turned away at the door."

If she keeps inviting people, or if she refuses to let these people know that she made a mistake and they cannot attend, then you should probably give an official guest list to someone at the venue, and have someone at the door checking names. Also, have assigned seating, so that these uninvited guests do not commandeer seats/meals meant for actual guests. It will be embarrassing for your mom and will reflect poorly on her, but it's really the best you can do if she does not come to her senses.

Knottie1439487487

madamerwin said:

Ugh, sorry you're dealing with this! First: Is FMIL contributing financially to the wedding? If so, she should have been allowed a say in the guest list. If this is the case and invitations have not gone out, I would recommend having your FI let her know that she can invite X number of people, and you need their names and addresses by X date. But she must give you the names, and she cannot invite whomever she pleases outside of that list.

If she is not contributing financially, then she gets zero say in who is invited. If this is the case, your FI needs to talk to her about it, ASAP. "Mom, I know you have been verbally inviting people to our wedding, but these people are not on our guest list. You need to let them know ASAP that you made a mistake, and that unfortunately we will not be able to accommodate them. If you do not talk to them, or if uninvited guests show up at the venue, they will be turned away at the door."

If she keeps inviting people, or if she refuses to let these people know that she made a mistake and they cannot attend, then you should probably give an official guest list to someone at the venue, and have someone at the door checking names. Also, have assigned seating, so that these uninvited guests do not commandeer seats/meals meant for actual guests. It will be embarrassing for your mom and will reflect poorly on her, but it's really the best you can do if she does not come to her senses.

She did contribute to the wedding and we've added in the guests that she initially requested so these are extra invites outside of that list. She decided to invite one couple because she was invited to their son's wedding, neither FI or I have any sort of relationship with them. When FI said he hadn't intended to invite them, she got upset (FI doesn't have a confrontational bone in his body so I'm not exactly sure what he said to her about it). I don't think I could go as far as to kick people out if they showed up, but I do want her to stop verbally inviting guests and especially stop telling them to make hotel reservations at this point. Our close family and bridal party hasn't even booked rooms yet, the hotel block information wasn't supposed to be shared with others yet. 

LondonLisa

Knottie1439487487 said:

madamerwin said:

Ugh, sorry you're dealing with this! First: Is FMIL contributing financially to the wedding? If so, she should have been allowed a say in the guest list. If this is the case and invitations have not gone out, I would recommend having your FI let her know that she can invite X number of people, and you need their names and addresses by X date. But she must give you the names, and she cannot invite whomever she pleases outside of that list.

If she is not contributing financially, then she gets zero say in who is invited. If this is the case, your FI needs to talk to her about it, ASAP. "Mom, I know you have been verbally inviting people to our wedding, but these people are not on our guest list. You need to let them know ASAP that you made a mistake, and that unfortunately we will not be able to accommodate them. If you do not talk to them, or if uninvited guests show up at the venue, they will be turned away at the door."

If she keeps inviting people, or if she refuses to let these people know that she made a mistake and they cannot attend, then you should probably give an official guest list to someone at the venue, and have someone at the door checking names. Also, have assigned seating, so that these uninvited guests do not commandeer seats/meals meant for actual guests. It will be embarrassing for your mom and will reflect poorly on her, but it's really the best you can do if she does not come to her senses.

She did contribute to the wedding and we've added in the guests that she initially requested so these are extra invites outside of that list. She decided to invite one couple because she was invited to their son's wedding, neither FI or I have any sort of relationship with them. When FI said he hadn't intended to invite them, she got upset (FI doesn't have a confrontational bone in his body so I'm not exactly sure what he said to her about it). I don't think I could go as far as to kick people out if they showed up, but I do want her to stop verbally inviting guests and especially stop telling them to make hotel reservations at this point. Our close family and bridal party hasn't even booked rooms yet, the hotel block information wasn't supposed to be shared with others yet. 

Your FMIL is manipulative and rude to do this. But she does it because she knows you 2 won't stand up for yourselves. 
 
Confrontational=/= handling your business. Your fi isn't being non-confrontational, he is taking the easy way out. 

Sounds like your FMIL has no reason to listen to you- Fi won't stand up for himself and you won't enforce any consequences.
Boundaries are healthy. Be prepared for a lifetime of this if your fi won't grow a spine. 

We have heard this story a million times on here, and the number of times it worked out in a way the B&G were OK with the situation without enforcing rules with the parent: 0. 

Your FMIL is doing this because she can. And unless you enforce it that she can't by having your fi speak to her it will keep happening. You have 2 options:
1.) Fi (not you) calls and says "you are not authorised to invite people. You need to call x&y and tell them your mistake. Otherwise, their room at the hotel block will be cancelled as unauthorised, they will have no seats and no meal, and security will have no problem telling them it was you that made the mistake. That will be horribly embarrassing for you". 

Or 
2.) Stop complaining and start saving and cutting back other things you wanted so you can accommodate these people. If your fi won't handle his business, he is the only one to blame for this.

Jen4948

Knottie1439487487 said:

madamerwin said:

Ugh, sorry you're dealing with this! First: Is FMIL contributing financially to the wedding? If so, she should have been allowed a say in the guest list. If this is the case and invitations have not gone out, I would recommend having your FI let her know that she can invite X number of people, and you need their names and addresses by X date. But she must give you the names, and she cannot invite whomever she pleases outside of that list.

If she is not contributing financially, then she gets zero say in who is invited. If this is the case, your FI needs to talk to her about it, ASAP. "Mom, I know you have been verbally inviting people to our wedding, but these people are not on our guest list. You need to let them know ASAP that you made a mistake, and that unfortunately we will not be able to accommodate them. If you do not talk to them, or if uninvited guests show up at the venue, they will be turned away at the door."

If she keeps inviting people, or if she refuses to let these people know that she made a mistake and they cannot attend, then you should probably give an official guest list to someone at the venue, and have someone at the door checking names. Also, have assigned seating, so that these uninvited guests do not commandeer seats/meals meant for actual guests. It will be embarrassing for your mom and will reflect poorly on her, but it's really the best you can do if she does not come to her senses.

She did contribute to the wedding and we've added in the guests that she initially requested so these are extra invites outside of that list. She decided to invite one couple because she was invited to their son's wedding, neither FI or I have any sort of relationship with them. When FI said he hadn't intended to invite them, she got upset (FI doesn't have a confrontational bone in his body so I'm not exactly sure what he said to her about it). I don't think I could go as far as to kick people out if they showed up, but I do want her to stop verbally inviting guests and especially stop telling them to make hotel reservations at this point. Our close family and bridal party hasn't even booked rooms yet, the hotel block information wasn't supposed to be shared with others yet. 

If you want her to stop issuing verbal invitations to guests you don't plan to invite, then you need to change the way you're dealing with her.

First, your FI has to lose the "I'm nonconfrontational" attitude, or his mother will be inserting herself into every aspect if your marriage, simply because no one tells her "no." And as it's his mother, he needs to be the one who delivers that message. 

Second, I would return any financial contributions to her that you've already accepted and plan on paying yourselves for any aspects of your wedding in which you do not want her to have a say.

Third, do not give her any copies of wedding invitations or other information that she could use to issue invitations to anyone you don't want to invite.

Fourth, you and your FI need to stop discussing the plans with her and limit wedding information only to people who need to know it.

And fifth, clarify with your vendors that only you and your FI are authorized to deal with them and that your FMIL specifically is not.

As far as hotel blocks go, you might need to cancel your existing one and reserve one at another hotel if your FMIL's uninvited guests use it and don't leave enough rooms in the block for your invited guests.

lnixon8

OP you said you can't invite extra people due to budget but you probably wouldn't kick them out. Do you think your venue won't charge you for these extra people and what they consume? I would imagine your venue might even charge you more per person if they think you tried to trick them into not paying for your guests.

OliveOilsMom

lnixon8 said:

OP you said you can't invite extra people due to budget but you probably wouldn't kick them out. Do you think your venue won't charge you for these extra people and what they consume? I would imagine your venue might even charge you more per person if they think you tried to trick them into not paying for your guests.

And they will probably want their money before you leave.  How will you pay them, then and there? 

There was a post on these boards a long time ago, they worked at a restaurant and had a wedding reception there.  The B&G were very poor planners and more people showed than they told the restaurant about.  They had to open their cards from guests to try and scramble enough cash together to pay for the extra people.  Do you want to have to do that too?  Stand up for yourselves now.  If your FI cannot do it by himself, go with him for moral support.  He should still do all the talking, but having you by his side might make it easier on him to say what he needs to say.

kvruns

OliveOilsMom said:

lnixon8 said:

OP you said you can't invite extra people due to budget but you probably wouldn't kick them out. Do you think your venue won't charge you for these extra people and what they consume? I would imagine your venue might even charge you more per person if they think you tried to trick them into not paying for your guests.

And they will probably want their money before you leave.  How will you pay them, then and there? 

There was a post on these boards a long time ago, they worked at a restaurant and had a wedding reception there.  The B&G were very poor planners and more people showed than they told the restaurant about.  They had to open their cards from guests to try and scramble enough cash together to pay for the extra people.  Do you want to have to do that too?  Stand up for yourselves now.  If your FI cannot do it by himself, go with him for moral support.  He should still do all the talking, but having you by his side might make it easier on him to say what he needs to say.

WOW

hyechica81

not only will it be rude and tacky they have no place to sit the venue did not make a ton of extra food for these now 10 extra people

MesmrEwe

OP - your options are simple since your FMIL is contributing to the budget...

1) You accept the ads and work it into the budget, and tell FMIL she's cut off from any more adds...

2) Your FI tells FMIL you don't have additional space for any extra invites that you found out she'd invited...

3) You confront FMIL together about the ads, and give her two choices - pay for each and every one of them provided you have the space, or call to tell them they aren't invited. 

4) Establish healthy boundaries from here on out.  What do you plan to do when... should you choose to have kids...  When FMIL wants to be in the Delivery room, or come in the second the baby is born... 

SP29

Since FMIL is contributing, she does a get a say in the guest list. But from the sounds of it, all 3 of you already created a guest list together, correct? Was she able to include guests she wanted?

I think though, that regardless of the fact that she is contributing, the point is the guest list has been established and you do not have the budget or space for more.

This is a serious issue, as has been said- if these extra guests show up, where will they sit? Who is paying for them? When will you pay for it? The venue is not going to be happy with a bunch of last minute additions and you run the risk of not having enough food for the guests you did invite. Also, remember that additional guests is not just one extra meal, it's tables, chairs (ceremony and reception), cocktail food, dinner, cake, late night meal (if you have one), centerpieces for the extra tables, invitations, favours (if you have them). You also run the risk of a fire code violation at your venue if there are too many invited.

You and FI need to get on the same page that this IS going to be dealt with. He needs to answer to you that he won't just let his mother steam roll him. Then FI needs to talk with his mother- you can be there, but he should do the talking. He needs to tell FMIL, "We have already established a guest list and cannot accommodate additional guests due to budget and space. You must inform these additional guests we cannot accommodate them. If you do not, there will not be a place to sit or meal for them to eat, and that would be embarrassing for everyone involved". Seriously- FMIL needs to stop this now.

As for your room block- you can always ask to add rooms to the block if it is filling up and you need more.

You can cancel it, but to PPs, how would that work exactly? Tell the hotel, "there are a bunch of people who have booked our block that aren't actually invited to the wedding, so can you cancel the block and make a new one?" How would you know of those who have blocked rooms, who is or isn't invited, unless you start specifically cancelling certain guests' rooms?

MyNameIsNot

SP29 said:

Since FMIL is contributing, she does a get a say in the guest list. But from the sounds of it, all 3 of you already created a guest list together, correct? Was she able to include guests she wanted?

I think though, that regardless of the fact that she is contributing, the point is the guest list has been established and you do not have the budget or space for more.

This is a serious issue, as has been said- if these extra guests show up, where will they sit? Who is paying for them? When will you pay for it? The venue is not going to be happy with a bunch of last minute additions and you run the risk of not having enough food for the guests you did invite. Also, remember that additional guests is not just one extra meal, it's tables, chairs (ceremony and reception), cocktail food, dinner, cake, late night meal (if you have one), centerpieces for the extra tables, invitations, favours (if you have them). You also run the risk of a fire code violation at your venue if there are too many invited.

You and FI need to get on the same page that this IS going to be dealt with. He needs to answer to you that he won't just let his mother steam roll him. Then FI needs to talk with his mother- you can be there, but he should do the talking. He needs to tell FMIL, "We have already established a guest list and cannot accommodate additional guests due to budget and space. You must inform these additional guests we cannot accommodate them. If you do not, there will not be a place to sit or meal for them to eat, and that would be embarrassing for everyone involved". Seriously- FMIL needs to stop this now.

As for your room block- you can always ask to add rooms to the block if it is filling up and you need more.

You can cancel it, but to PPs, how would that work exactly? Tell the hotel, "there are a bunch of people who have booked our block that aren't actually invited to the wedding, so can you cancel the block and make a new one?" How would you know of those who have blocked rooms, who is or isn't invited, unless you start specifically cancelling certain guests' rooms?

You would tell the hotel that the people who have booked these rooms are not with your party, and ask them to remove these guests from the block. It's up to the hotel and the guest to figure out whether they want to cancel the reservation or be moved to a regular reservation.

It's the same thing you'd do if some random strangers started booking your block. If you have a common name and are in a busy area, it's not unheard of that people book rooms with the wrong event. 

Knottie1431703947

    My FMIL is doing the exact same thing even though we told her we only invited close friends and family ! She told her cousins family's to plan to fly in for our wedding (14 people total) because "their family and she assumed they would be invited" (second cousins that My FI met once when he was 2 aren't exactly close family) she also invited a few of her friends whom we've never met, because she allowed her mom to invite people and assumed we would do the same. 
      She expected us to send them invites (cutting over 25% of our guest list) since they were expecting invites, and basically said we were out of line for feeling she didn't deserve a portion of the guest list. We hate confrontation but decided it was our day and we were paying so the only ones that "deserved" a say was us.