Low blow from my husband has me questioning everything

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are both freelancers in creative fields of work and do well financially. We save a little more now that we’re older and we never want for anything. My husband has always made more money more consistently than I do, and with his salary, we are more than comfortable. I am in a field that pays generously but sporadically. Last night, I picked a fight I probably shouldn’t have—it doesn’t matter what it was about. At one point I said, “My feelings are hurt when you talk to me like this.” And he responded with, “Your feelings don’t matter, because I pay for everything.” I was dumbfounded. We went to bed angry, and, honestly, I’m so shocked these words came out of his mouth that I don’t even think I can look at him. What can I do or say here? Should I just keep my mouth shut? Do I have any ground in which to stand—because, as he said, right now, he is paying for most things. I feel like a 1950s housewife all of a sudden and am questioning everything about my marriage.

—Paying for Everything

charlotte989875

Woah, that's a huge red flag there. LW shouldn't have picked a fight but to say her feelings don't matter would be out of bounds in my book.

ShesSoCold

This is tough. That's a totally shitty comment that would stick with me, too. She's gotta sit down and talk - not yell - talk to him about it. Tell him how she feels about the comment and how it affected her.

My husband makes nearly double what I do. It doesn't upset either of us, but I think I'm more aware of it. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, other things to sort of even it out. If he ever said anything like that, it would take a while to get over it.

kimmiinthemitten

He's probably one of those jerks who would be insecure if she made more, but loves rubbing in her face when she isn't carrying her own weight.

charlotte989875

ShesSoCold said:

This is tough. That's a totally shitty comment that would stick with me, too. She's gotta sit down and talk - not yell - talk to him about it. Tell him how she feels about the comment and how it affected her.

My husband makes nearly double what I do. It doesn't upset either of us, but I think I'm more aware of it. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning, other things to sort of even it out. If he ever said anything like that, it would take a while to get over it.

For two years I've made double what H makes too, and I think there are times that it bothers him. Not me making what I do, but that he doesn't make what he would like to be making. I would never say anything about it. For us any comment like that would just below the belt so to speak.

VarunaTT

Former DH did this to me once.  We were able to work through it, but it was a rough spot.  I always tried to pull more around the house b/c he made a significant amount more than I did and I wanted to feel like I contributed as much.

Looking back, he sure as hell didn't feel that way when he was unemployed/underemployed.  Yet another reason he is now former.

tigerlily6

FH and I have spent a good deal of our marriage-prep discussing feelings and attitudes about money and who will make more of it at what point in time. I supported us the past few years since I worked a job but he was in school. Now I'm back in school though, and he's graduating and taking over the heft of the expenses. Once I'm graduated, I should make a pretty good salary (*fingers crossed*) but I would also like to be able to take time off from work for kids in the future -- not because he COULDN'T be the stay-at-home parent, but honestly, I think it's something that I'll really want to do so. Finances are certainly a very important practical contribution to a relationship, but there are a lot of other contributions. If I were ever told my feelings "didn't count" because I wasn't the main breadwinner, there would indeed be some serious discussions happening. 

6fsn

Yes, it was a nasty comment and I would be more than hurt if my husband said this to me even though I have zero financial input.  On the other hand it sounds like she bit and he bit back.

princessleia22

Yeah, that comment is hitting below the belt.  Even if one party contributes less, their opinion should still matter.  Marriage takes teamwork.

Okay, so my rant for today, since this is related and fresh in my mind. I make about 3x what DH  makes. It's never seemed to bother him much and we have kept joint finances.  We put his income direct deposit into a separate account for savings, so it helps him to feel like he's contributing because "his money" pays for all our big ticket items (house, car, vacations), even though his income doesn't pay for our regular bills, unless necessary. Lately, we have been having some financial stress and DH doesn't seem to want to live on a tighter budget. DH doesn't want to be involved in the finances or bill paying, so I'm the one that deals with all of it and stresses about it.  He figures that as long as there is money in the account or available credit cards that we are okay. The last several months, my income has been tight (self employed so my income varies and this is my slow time of year) and we seem to be slowly building more debt every month (not much, but some).  And I've recently learned that we have very different views on how much debt is acceptable to each of us. We talked about it in the past, but his views seem to have changed lately. I personally am at the point that I want to cancel cable and all non-essential bills to help keep us from going further in debt, but DH doesn't think it's needed.  Last night he was upset that he ordered some $100 sunglasses online and he was worried that it was a fraudulent site.  So, while he was going off about wanting to sue Facebook for not vetting the ads they post (I still say it's his fault, not Facebook's, but it's only been 2 days and he really has no reason to think the ad/sale is fraudulent anyway... he's upset that they gave him a confirmation number, but no invoice, which isn't uncommon), I'm sitting there thinking about why in the hell he's spending $100 on sunglasses when we are tight on money... and when we just recently discussed needed to cut back on spending.  Plus, he put it on a credit card that I've told him not to use because it has nearly 30% interest rate and we can't afford to pay it off right now, so those sunglasses are going to cost us even more now.  I've probably had the thought that my opinion matters on money more than his, but I would never say it out loud.  Plus, my thinking that my opinion matters more is based not so much on our income levels as it is on the fact that I'm the one who looks at and balances our finances, so I have a better understanding of where we stand... and the idea of "not adding debt" thinking makes more sense than his "spend money we don't have" thinking, so my RIGHT opinion matters more than his WRONG one in this case. But, I still wouldn't disrespect him by saying his opinion doesn't matter at all, because we are a team and his opinion does matter.   

missJeanLouise

@princessleia22 Thanks for sharing that story, it comforts me. FH makes about 3x more than I do and it is something I worry about being thrown back into my face someday. Not because he has done anything that would make me think that but because I am insecure about it. But I am the frugal one and he is the spender. We go through the bills together and try to stay on the same page about what our next purchases are for and how we are going to spend money if it for a splurge item (I would consider 100$ sunnies a splurge item but he wouldn't). It is nice to hear that as the person earning more you still value his input.

charlotte989875

Yah @princessleia22 I'd be pretty annoyed by the change on perspective on saving and spending, especially if it just happened out of nowhere and you didn't really talk about it. Also, since he's not involved with the bill paying and the account management I'd be really frustrated.  Can I ask why he doesn't want to be involved with that side of the financial planning?

We have the same arrangement where his paycheck goes into our savings and we don't touch it for regular expenses (unless we absolutely have to, which is rare). For us it seems to work well that while I did make more money, he also does most of the everyday bill pay so we both monitor where the money is going.

*Barbie*

We've alternated between who earns more, and we've always been on the same page with money management, so this has never been a trouble spot with us. He's more frugal than I am, but also doesn't give me crap for splurging on occasion. (I usually give him a heads up on stuff that's more than $200 or so.) We use our cc for EVERYTHING (maximize hotel points and cash back), but pay them off in full every month, so never have to worry about the interest. 

With us, I think it would be more resentment for me not doing enough around the house, and to an extent, he'd be justified. 

Tyvm

@princessleia22 Have you thought about each of you getting monthly personal allowances? That way when he buys $100 sunglasses, it has to come out of his monthly personal accounts, and not your joint accounts? (We have joint savings, checking, and credit card, and also each have our own personal savings, checking, and credit card. All money goes through the joint checking, and gets split off from there). Of course, there's always the risk that he'll run up so much debt on his personal credit card that you'll both end up paying it off...Maybe you should go see a relationship counselor to talk through all this?

Or maybe a budgeting app that allows you both to be a bit more participatory? I've heard a lot of good things about 'You Need a Budget' http://www.youneedabudget.com/

princessleia22

charlotte989875 said:

Yah @princessleia22 I'd be pretty annoyed by the change on perspective on saving and spending, especially if it just happened out of nowhere and you didn't really talk about it. Also, since he's not involved with the bill paying and the account management I'd be really frustrated.  Can I ask why he doesn't want to be involved with that side of the financial planning?

We have the same arrangement where his paycheck goes into our savings and we don't touch it for regular expenses (unless we absolutely have to, which is rare). For us it seems to work well that while I did make more money, he also does most of the everyday bill pay so we both monitor where the money is going.

He really just has no interest in dealing with the money and figures I am better suited for that task (which is probably true).  He even has all the bank account apps on his phone, but will still text me to ask if we have money for a purchase instead of checking himself.

I think his change in attitude about spending came from a few factors, gradually occurring over time. We've gone through several stages of finances since we've been together.  At one point, DH wasn't working and was very much on board with zero unnecessary spending.  Then we went through a point where we were both laid off and we were very much in sync with our thinking during that time and recovering from that. After DH started working again, he feels more entitled to spend money on personal things, which I can understand. He hates the idea of working his ass off everyday and not having anything to show for it. About a year ago, we were doing pretty well financially and probably let our spending get out of hand, and didn't focus enough on saving, but the money was there, so it wasn't really a problem. We did save some, but not as much as we probably should have. The disconnect has really only happened recently, when money has started getting tighter again.  He wants to keep spending like we have been.  My views have changed also, but in the opposite direction, where I think we need to focus more on saving than we have in the past and think more long term.  So, the disconnect isn't all his fault either, because we've both just changed thinking in different directions.  We just need to figure out the right compromise point that we can both live with, which isn't always easy, but we have been making progress to meet closer to the middle.  He has cut back some of his spending lately, but it still annoys me when he spends on things that I think are unneeded.  I get needing sunglasses for working outside, but he doesn't need $100 ones. And I wouldn't be so annoyed if he had purchased them out of his budgeted allowance, and making cuts in his other spending to make up for it, instead of putting them on credit.

charlotte989875

princessleia22 said:

charlotte989875 said:

Yah @princessleia22 I'd be pretty annoyed by the change on perspective on saving and spending, especially if it just happened out of nowhere and you didn't really talk about it. Also, since he's not involved with the bill paying and the account management I'd be really frustrated.  Can I ask why he doesn't want to be involved with that side of the financial planning?

We have the same arrangement where his paycheck goes into our savings and we don't touch it for regular expenses (unless we absolutely have to, which is rare). For us it seems to work well that while I did make more money, he also does most of the everyday bill pay so we both monitor where the money is going.

He really just has no interest in dealing with the money and figures I am better suited for that task (which is probably true).  He even has all the bank account apps on his phone, but will still text me to ask if we have money for a purchase instead of checking himself.

I think his change in attitude about spending came from a few factors, gradually occurring over time. We've gone through several stages of finances since we've been together.  At one point, DH wasn't working and was very much on board with zero unnecessary spending.  Then we went through a point where we were both laid off and we were very much in sync with our thinking during that time and recovering from that. After DH started working again, he feels more entitled to spend money on personal things, which I can understand. He hates the idea of working his ass off everyday and not having anything to show for it. About a year ago, we were doing pretty well financially and probably let our spending get out of hand, and didn't focus enough on saving, but the money was there, so it wasn't really a problem. We did save some, but not as much as we probably should have. The disconnect has really only happened recently, when money has started getting tighter again.  He wants to keep spending like we have been.  My views have changed also, but in the opposite direction, where I think we need to focus more on saving than we have in the past and think more long term.  So, the disconnect isn't all his fault either, because we've both just changed thinking in different directions.  We just need to figure out the right compromise point that we can both live with, which isn't always easy, but we have been making progress to meet closer to the middle.  He has cut back some of his spending lately, but it still annoys me when he spends on things that I think are unneeded.  I get needing sunglasses for working outside, but he doesn't need $100 ones. And I wouldn't be so annoyed if he had purchased them out of his budgeted allowance, and making cuts in his other spending to make up for it, instead of putting them on credit.

We go through this too. Not a lot, but I think as our pay has changed and our goals have change we have to keep changing the equilibrium level of "fun" spending. He just got upset with me when I ordered two dresses on eBay for weddings this summer because we only have two months of paychecks left before our jobs end (we do have new jobs lined up). He was all "we can't be spending money right now we're trying to buy a house", but as soon as I told him I listed two bridesmaids dresses on eBay he was totally fine. Yet, he's looking at new tools for the house as well. It's always a back and forth.

MesmrEwe

Oh they's either not having any nukkie for a good long time or there's gunna be some AMAZING make-up "coitus"...  Either way - that bed is going to be REAL cold for a while!!!

Ultimately she has to be the one to make the choice on what she's willing to accept or not in their relationship.  If she's out - then don't waste eachother's time.  While in truth that he's paying, to say that her feelings on things don't count - that's low blow fighting words by someone who was losing the argument, and time for a visit to the therapist, or time to put in place "Rules of engagement" for arguing, or figure out division of stuff instead of paying for a divorce attorney to manage the divorce...  Address it and either clear the air immediately or "that's the moment of clarity"...