Too Much Stress.. (long)

Knottie1459970861

Hello!

I'm new to the boards and I just really needed a place to safely vent. When I first got engaged (only last month), FH had asked my parents permission. They gave the blessing but I know them and they are not happy that I'm moving out this summer with FH, and my mom even said that she thinks we are rushing things and going too fast. My parents are not helping to pay for the wedding (though they helped pay for half the dress and are photographers that will be taking pics the day of) but the MIL has offered to pay for just about everything including the honeymoon. My mom and MIL clearly want a bigger wedding than I can a.) afford or b.) even want. We've finally convinced them that we won't have 80+ guests, and will only have 20-25 guests. On top of them wanting certain things and thinking we're insane for not wanting them, we are also having a very hard time finding a venue that fits our teeny tiny budget. Which freaks me out because it's 304 days till the wedding and I know how fast venues book up. Some places we would already have to move the date around.

What do I do to calm down, relax, and find a venue??

MNNEBride

If you accept your MIL's money to pay for just about everything, then she gets to decide how her money is spent.  If you pay for your own wedding, you and your FI get to decide.

MNNEBride

Also, if your parents are not helping to pay for the event, they do not get to decide who you host and how.

bleve0821

Wait, you have a date but not a venue?  Maybe you should start by first finding a venue that fits your budget and then picking from their available dates.  At this point, worrying about a date that is, at this stage in your planning, completely arbitrary, is going to cause you a lot of unnecessary stress.  Venue first.  Date second.

ShesSoCold

Your first thing is your budget. Like PP said, if MIL pays, she gets a say in the wedding planning. You can decline her money and pay for your wedding yourselves and have the freedom of no outside opinions. Also, we've heard horrible stories here about couples who have been promised help from parents and the money doesn't come through and the couple is scrambling trying to come up with more money before the day. Therefore we advise you to not count on money from family until it is in your account.

With such a small wedding, you have a lot of venue options outside of the typical hotel ballroom or banquet hall. I got married in a restaurants private room with no fees other than the cost of the food and drink. Are you religious with plans to get married in a church? You could use the church's meeting space.

I also agree with PPs that you don't have a date if you don't have a venue. That is #2 after your budget.

charlotte989875

Knottie1459970861 said:

Hello!

I'm new to the boards and I just really needed a place to safely vent. When I first got engaged (only last month), FH had asked my parents permission. They gave the blessing but I know them and they are not happy that I'm moving out this summer with FH, and my mom even said that she thinks we are rushing things and going too fast. My parents are not helping to pay for the wedding (though they helped pay for half the dress and are photographers that will be taking pics the day of) but the MIL has offered to pay for just about everything including the honeymoon. My mom and MIL clearly want a bigger wedding than I can a.) afford or b.) even want. We've finally convinced them that we won't have 80+ guests, and will only have 20-25 guests. On top of them wanting certain things and thinking we're insane for not wanting them, we are also having a very hard time finding a venue that fits our teeny tiny budget. Which freaks me out because it's 304 days till the wedding and I know how fast venues book up. Some places we would already have to move the date around.

What do I do to calm down, relax, and find a venue??

It sounds like you have a budget you and your FI can afford correct? And in addition your FMIL has offered some money as well? If you take your FMIL up on her offer know that she does get a say in the wedding plans. That might mean guest list (larger than you want) or venues, or something else. I would ask up front what she wants to have a say in if you take her money. If you don't want to do those things you are free to decline her money and pay for the wedding yourselves. 

Before picking a venue (and specific date) get on the same page with your FI (&FMIL if contributing) about what kind of wedding you want. Evening, daytime, meal time or not, cake and punch, brunch. There are so many options all with positives and negatives. Some are cheaper than others. After that start looking at venues. This can include typical ballrooms and other venues or parks, church halls, libraries, community rooms or halls. If you have a small budget get creative in what would work for a venue. 

Finally, take a deep breath, have a glass of wine and remember the only thing you truly need for a wedding is your FI, marriage license, an officiant, and in some states witnesses. Everything else is extra. 

Heffalump

Knottie1459970861 said:

Hello!

I'm new to the boards and I just really needed a place to safely vent.

Welcome!

When I first got engaged (only last month), FH had asked my parents permission. They gave the blessing but I know them and they are not happy that I'm moving out this summer with FH, and my mom even said that she thinks we are rushing things and going too fast.

Do you think she has a point?  If so, maybe take some time and think on that.  And if not, then you're an adult (I assume) and can decide for yourself. 

My parents are not helping to pay for the wedding (though they helped pay for half the dress and are photographers that will be taking pics the day of)

Giving money toward your dress (and 50% is not an insignificant amount, depending on the dress) and taking care of the photography is definitely helping to pay for the wedding, as far as I'm concerned.  But also, do they really want to work their own daughter's wedding?  I don't know whether they normally do event photography, but it's demanding and they'll be working non-stop, which is not how I would want to spend my own child's wedding.  I know your budget is tight, but I do think it's something to consider.

but the MIL has offered to pay for just about everything including the honeymoon. My mom and MIL clearly want a bigger wedding than I can a.) afford or b.) even want. We've finally convinced them that we won't have 80+ guests, and will only have 20-25 guests. On top of them wanting certain things and thinking we're insane for not wanting them, we are also having a very hard time finding a venue that fits our teeny tiny budget. Which freaks me out because it's 304 days till the wedding and I know how fast venues book up. Some places we would already have to move the date around.

If you take MIL's money, be prepared for the strings attached.  That works fine for some people.  (@*Barbie* springs to mind, I think?)  If you want to do everything your way, then that's fine, too:  you and your FI can budget for it, foot the entire bill, and call all the shots.

Also, the ladies above are 100% correct:  picking a date before a venue is putting the cart before the horse.  Figure out how many people you need to invite, find a venue that will accommodate all of them (including seating for 100% of your guests) and fits your budget, and then see which dates are available that fit your timeline. 

What do I do to calm down, relax, and find a venue??

Cupcake and a margarita.  Then you and your FI discuss what kind of setting you would like (outdoors, historic, etc.) and think about which of those venues fit your budget and guest list.  Then carve out some time to visit them in person, and decide from there.

missJeanLouise

PP have covered a lot. I just want to add, with a guestlist of 30ish people, look into restaurants and other nontraditional venues. A lot of places will have a party room, maybe even with a private bar, for rent. 

lnixon8

Check out the budget board. A good plan for you off the top of my head would be early Saturday morning wedding followed by brunch at your favorite restaurant.

spockforprez

Knottie1459970861 said:

Hello!

I'm new to the boards and I just really needed a place to safely vent. When I first got engaged (only last month), FH had asked my parents permission. They gave the blessing but I know them and they are not happy that I'm moving out this summer with FH, and my mom even said that she thinks we are rushing things and going too fast. My parents are not helping to pay for the wedding (though they helped pay for half the dress and are photographers that will be taking pics the day of) but the MIL has offered to pay for just about everything including the honeymoon. My mom and MIL clearly want a bigger wedding than I can a.) afford or b.) even want. We've finally convinced them that we won't have 80+ guests, and will only have 20-25 guests. On top of them wanting certain things and thinking we're insane for not wanting them, we are also having a very hard time finding a venue that fits our teeny tiny budget. Which freaks me out because it's 304 days till the wedding and I know how fast venues book up. Some places we would already have to move the date around.

What do I do to calm down, relax, and find a venue??

Your parents are going to be the photographers? Did I read that right? Bad, bad, bad idea. They will be emotional (even moreso if they don't 100% approve), you likely won't have a contract with them (which you should), and besides that, they should be honored guests and not working at the wedding.

I skimmed PPs responses but you either accept MIL's money and her strings for the wedding, or you decline it and pay for the wedding you want and can afford. Which may be a small courthouse wedding, which would be quite lovely and eliminate your family drama!

*Barbie*

I hear the latest wedding trend is getting married in a shed by the river - so that might suit the smaller party size. 

In all seriousness - everyone has already given good advice: 
1) sort out budget
2) don't count on money not in hand
3) anyone who is paying for something gets a say in how that money is spent
4) don't use your parents as photographers. maybe you can leverage their professional connections to get a good deal. 
5) find a venue you want/can afford/that meets your needs, then set the date. 
6) if you're trying to save money, go low key on things like STD and elaborate decorations, and focus on hosting your guests (food, bar, music/entertainment/etc.)

7) Make sure you and your FI are aligned on everything, and present a united front. Focus on the relationship rather than the party. 

Knottie1459970861

I like lists, so I'll respond in the form of a list based off of *Barbie*

1. We have a budget of $5000 or less. 
2. The budget is based off of what we can afford, not off of what MIL has offered. Although we wouldn't be comfortable going over $5000 anyway (we're barely okay with spending that much in the first place)
3. She has said multiple times that it is our wedding, and that she wants us to have what we want.
4. I originally told my parents that I did NOT want them to be my photographers and my mom agreed. She later came back and said that she wanted to be, and that they'd probably take pics anyway. She is an event photographer by trade, and her lowest package price is half the cost of the whole wedding.
5. The date is a soft date of being in March. WE have preferred dates, but we just really want it to be in March. The issue is finding something in our budget and needs.
6. We're trying to be SUPER low key on all of that, and that's part of what is causing friction.
7. FI doesn't care what we do, he just wants us to have fun, not stress out (ha) and not have half the state of Texas there. All I care about is having my small amount of people that I really care about being there, I want an outdoor ceremony with a cake and punch reception with music so we can dance.

Despite knowing exactly what I want, and my FI supporting me and even explaining it his mom, I still feel so much friction in my family. I'm super overwhelmed by all of it. FI is really chill and doesn't understand why I was trying to find a venue so quickly lol I just feel like either I make the family happy, but spend too much and have me and FI be miserable OR we are happy and everyone is mad at us. I've been going crazy trying to find a happy middle and I just can't. It's so stressful that now we're half considering just eloping and being done with all of it.

charlotte989875

Knottie1459970861 said:

I like lists, so I'll respond in the form of a list based off of *Barbie*

1. We have a budget of $5000 or less. 
2. The budget is based off of what we can afford, not off of what MIL has offered. Although we wouldn't be comfortable going over $5000 anyway (we're barely okay with spending that much in the first place)
3. She has said multiple times that it is our wedding, and that she wants us to have what we want.
4. I originally told my parents that I did NOT want them to be my photographers and my mom agreed. She later came back and said that she wanted to be, and that they'd probably take pics anyway. She is an event photographer by trade, and her lowest package price is half the cost of the whole wedding.
5. The date is a soft date of being in March. WE have preferred dates, but we just really want it to be in March. The issue is finding something in our budget and needs.
6. We're trying to be SUPER low key on all of that, and that's part of what is causing friction.
7. FI doesn't care what we do, he just wants us to have fun, not stress out (ha) and not have half the state of Texas there. All I care about is having my small amount of people that I really care about being there, I want an outdoor ceremony with a cake and punch reception with music so we can dance.

Despite knowing exactly what I want, and my FI supporting me and even explaining it his mom, I still feel so much friction in my family. I'm super overwhelmed by all of it. FI is really chill and doesn't understand why I was trying to find a venue so quickly lol I just feel like either I make the family happy, but spend too much and have me and FI be miserable OR we are happy and everyone is mad at us. I've been going crazy trying to find a happy middle and I just can't. It's so stressful that now we're half considering just eloping and being done with all of it.

1 & 7. $5,000 for a cake and punch reception is definitely do-able. Check out the budget board, stick around here and ask questions, there are tons of people who have had similar plans. If you want to do dancing as well just be sure you won't go into a mealtime if you're planning to have a longer reception. Although with such a small guest list, you may be able to do catering from a local restaurant or grocery store (sandwiches, cold cuts, bbq, etc.) where you can do a meal.

5. Venues.  If you're looking for something low-key, outside, check out town, state, or national parks. Many will have facilities (stone or wood pavilions) in case of rain, that you can reserve for a very small fee (some are even free). They will also likely have bathrooms, so you won't need to provide your own.

You mention "friction" a few times; what exactly are their complaints? What are they insisting on that you don't want? If you really don't want/can't afford what they are suggesting I would practice saying "I'm sorry you're unhappy with our plans, but this is what we are doing. It is not up for discussion". Repeat as necessary.

Finally, if you're so overwhelmed by this, you do have a FI that should be helping. Even if he "doesn't care" and is super laid back, he cares about you and should be helping you look for venues, or whatever else needs to be done. It's his wedding too. My H wasn't in to planning at all and he had very few things he cared about, but knew other things had to get done. You're in this together.

Knottie1459970861

In regards to the friction, I don't want a very traditional wedding.

I don't like the "traditional music" like the Wedding March that is usually in weddings, which MIL doesn't like.

She also insisted that everyone in her family would be offended if they weren't invited which led to 40 or so people on his side being on the original list. Well, I'm not close to my extended family and don't want them there, but that upset my mom who insists that both sides be as even as possible. This lead to 80 people being on the list, and neither me or FI were happy with that.

Also, my best friend is going to be my Man of Honor. This really freaked out my mom who tried to convince me to not have him in my party. She then insisted on having both wedding parties be even. FI has a bunch of friends he's close to and his party would have 4 people max. I would have to have family step in on my side because I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not close to most of the people in my family so I don't have anyone that I would really want to be next to me.

Both my mom and MIL have been flabbergasted at me not wanting to have a sit down meal. I don't want anything but cake and punch tbh. They both insist that we have to have food at the reception.

I also don't want alcohol there. Especially if we end up having 80 people, because we have family on both sides that tend to get a little too friendly with the juice, so I'd rather just not have it. Both MIL and my Mom have said that we HAVE to have alcohol, and they suggested a cash bar (which I know is a dirty word on the boards). My mom even said that it won't be a party and it won't be fun if people can't drink.

My mom even said that "You're getting the wedding I've always wanted." Which I'm sure she didn't mean to be as bad as it sounded, but boy did it sound bad.

Both sides have also suggested we just elope or worse (to me), go to the courthouse. I'm afraid that both of those would end up breaking my heart and I'd regret it forever.

We also have family members that have medical issues, making it hard for them to travel. I have one grandpa that lives ~2 hours away and has been having lapses in memory. We both have grandparents that live close by, and we would be crushed if they couldn't go. So I'm desperately trying to find a venue nearby that fits what we want in our budget. But that's really hard in Houston. All the venues I love and would fit easier are in Hill Country and I don't know if FI's grandma could make such a long drive.


FI is trying to help whenever he can. He gets overwhelmed because he doesn't know what to do either. He thinks we could rent a park and be done with it, but he also doesn't know how that would *actually* work. We've seen the San Luis and both my mom and his were super excited but neither me or FI like it hardly at all, plus it goes way out of budget. 

Knottie1459970861

I feel like an idiot for being so stressed about it so soon. I feel like I'm supposed to just know how to handle the stress and how to plan the whole thing and I can't.

Tyvm

FI is really chill and doesn't understand why I was trying to find a venue so quickly lol 

I had to inform FI that a wedding is not like my 30th Birthday party, in which you plan it in 2 weeks. That $5,000 won't cover everything/much for a 80+ person wedding with dinner. That throwing a wedding takes much more planning because everything books up about a year in advance. DELEGATE SOME WORK TO HIM, so he can fully get the picture. FI is in charge of venue/caterer, cake, and DJ.

Also, being flexible in the date is key. The whole month of March is doable to find a venue for 40 people. Definitely check restaurants. Lots have lovely party rooms. Parks are tricky because then you have to rent lots of things (don't make people stand through your ceremony!). Rentals add up fast. Finding some sort of all-inclusive venue that includes tables, chairs, etc. will likely be your best bet

Parents always have weird expectations that you have to break. This is 100% pure, unadulterated adulthood! Welcome to the deep end of the pool.

missJeanLouise

Knottie1459970861 said:

I feel like an idiot for being so stressed about it so soon. I feel like I'm supposed to just know how to handle the stress and how to plan the whole thing and I can't.

It is okay. Finding a venue was stressful for me too. It was overwhelming at first because there were so many options and I felt like I had so many people to please. These boards helped me slow my roll and breathe. Remember, all you Need to get married is a license, an officiant, witnesses, and a willing partner. Everything else is fluff. This is your and your FH's wedding. Not your mom's, not you FMIL's. You will never make everyone happy so just do what you want (as long as you host properly). Invite who you want (with their SO), have the reception you want, nobody can make you spend your money in a way you don't want. I would stop talking to them about details until after you have things booked. 

TrixieJess

Knottie1459970861 said:

In regards to the friction, I don't want a very traditional wedding.

I don't like the "traditional music" like the Wedding March that is usually in weddings, which MIL doesn't like.

She also insisted that everyone in her family would be offended if they weren't invited which led to 40 or so people on his side being on the original list. Well, I'm not close to my extended family and don't want them there, but that upset my mom who insists that both sides be as even as possible. This lead to 80 people being on the list, and neither me or FI were happy with that.

Also, my best friend is going to be my Man of Honor. This really freaked out my mom who tried to convince me to not have him in my party. She then insisted on having both wedding parties be even. FI has a bunch of friends he's close to and his party would have 4 people max. I would have to have family step in on my side because I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not close to most of the people in my family so I don't have anyone that I would really want to be next to me.

Both my mom and MIL have been flabbergasted at me not wanting to have a sit down meal. I don't want anything but cake and punch tbh. They both insist that we have to have food at the reception.

I also don't want alcohol there. Especially if we end up having 80 people, because we have family on both sides that tend to get a little too friendly with the juice, so I'd rather just not have it. Both MIL and my Mom have said that we HAVE to have alcohol, and they suggested a cash bar (which I know is a dirty word on the boards). My mom even said that it won't be a party and it won't be fun if people can't drink.

My mom even said that "You're getting the wedding I've always wanted." Which I'm sure she didn't mean to be as bad as it sounded, but boy did it sound bad.

Both sides have also suggested we just elope or worse (to me), go to the courthouse. I'm afraid that both of those would end up breaking my heart and I'd regret it forever.

We also have family members that have medical issues, making it hard for them to travel. I have one grandpa that lives ~2 hours away and has been having lapses in memory. We both have grandparents that live close by, and we would be crushed if they couldn't go. So I'm desperately trying to find a venue nearby that fits what we want in our budget. But that's really hard in Houston. All the venues I love and would fit easier are in Hill Country and I don't know if FI's grandma could make such a long drive.


FI is trying to help whenever he can. He gets overwhelmed because he doesn't know what to do either. He thinks we could rent a park and be done with it, but he also doesn't know how that would *actually* work. We've seen the San Luis and both my mom and his were super excited but neither me or FI like it hardly at all, plus it goes way out of budget. 

Okay, take a deep breath. Stop talking about your wedding to both parents if you are not taking money from either of them. 

Tell them that you are finalising your guest list and will accept x amount of people that must be there. 

You can certainly do an afternoon cake and punch wedding for $5,000 with less than 50 people. A park would be fine, just make sure that you have an area for rain or other inclement weather (too hot, too cold).

MesmrEwe

I'll start off with - If they are helping you out to pay for things to that extent and they want 90 guests invited and it's coming out of their pocket (either the money is deposited into your account or they go along with you and write out checks to vendors - otherwise the $$$ doesn't exist), the only thing to say is "How would you like those invitations addressed?" (and FYI - the Invitation kits from the clearance aisle at Walmart are PREFECT to get the job done on a budget!  All but 4-5 invites are going to get tossed in the trash can, why spend a fortune on them.)..  Ye who pays gets a say - if they're not paying, they don't get a say!  Also, do not send out Save the Dates - more brides have gotten caught by this and it's much easier to surprise people with the invitation they didn't expect than to call them and say "we can't afford to invite you"...

Next, you need to get your expectations in line with your budget.  There are venues out there, you just haven't found one that fits your needs yet. You don't need a Country Club or super fancy wedding venue that advertises as "Wedding Venue"..   For 20-25 guests, a hotel conference/breakfast room is all you need, some are all-inclusive others not (you may end up saving money with an all-inclusive package!).  The budget boards are fantastic for tips as are the local boards for getting recommendations to places you hadn't thought of.  But when you ask on your local boards, be specific to "Podunk County area reception venues for 30-90 guests on a tight budget"..  You never know when there'll be a Lion's Club, VFW, KC Hall, Elk's Lodge, Restaurant, Community Center, No-name hotel ballroom, Best Western Breakfast Room, etc. that you can rent out reasonably and hadn't even thought of.  It's what YOU bring to the day that matters - Linens and some flowers go a long way!

<Blah blah blah> - save it for the budget boards...

As for photography - I'd recommend your parents reconsider on DIY the pictures.  I get that this is their business, but they should be enjoying their daughter's wedding, not working it.  Where will the pictures of them be in your wedding album? 

The only other question is - what is it about that date - do you have your church/officiant booked already and just need to get a reception... Or do you just like the romance of that date and have nothing actually booked yet?  Those are important details to think about because if you're using a church you may have access to using their hall for your reception!  There's a balance, when someone else pays, they get a say.  Very rarely do people regret being able to invite more people (when someone else is paying for them) after the fact (A larger bridal Party - that's a different discussion).  What matters is how you treat your people.  If you resolve to not let things get to you and focus on the details that are important to you (Marriage Prep, not Wedding Prep - the wedding is "just a day" - your Marriage is a lifetime!), remember to choose wisely on what are "Hills to die on" and what are "I don't want flowers but FMIL is paying for them, she says $$$ budget, I like daisies" - and let her run with it! 

CMGragain

My sister had a simple wedding ceremony in a city park pavilion.  They served picnic food and cake.  It was lovely and inexpensive.
I had a church wedding with a cake and punch reception.  No regrets.  Alcohol was not allowed at our church.

On photography, my husband loves to take photos, and insisted on doing his thing, even though we hired a professional for daughter's wedding.  He was so intent on his damn camera, that when it came time for him to get up and escort me to the candle table for the candle ceremony, I had to hiss loudly at him to get his attention!  Yes, everybody noticed.  His response was, "Huh?  What?  Hold my lens cap."

madamerwin

Like PPs have said, if you accept any money (or services, in the case of your parents), they who pay get a say in the logistics. If you and your FI have $5,000 that you can comfortably spend, I recommend declining any financial help from either set of parents and planning the wedding YOU want.

If this means 30 people and a cake and punch reception, perfect! If your parents ask/demand that you do anything you don't want to do - like inviting 80 relatives, having a cash bar (no!), or having a full meal, - simply tell them that you are planning the wedding you want and can afford, and change the subject. Then, avoid any/all wedding-related discussions with them in the future.

It sounds like your mom is trying to live vicariously through you, and accepting any financial help from her will only exacerbate that. If your parents wish to take photos during the reception, fine. But I recommend not counting on that for the only photos. If you have not purchased your dress yet, decline their offer for help and buy it yourself. Companies like Modcloth and J. Crew make lovely wedding dresses for a couple hundred dollars.

And go have a cupcake and a margarita. Remember that the most important part is that you are marrying your FI. The rest is just a party.

OliveOilsMom

OP - You mention Texas, so I will just throw this out, but is Texas, where you are, warm enough for an outdoor event in March???

Also, while you would like dancing at your wedding, just remember that there are some people who will not dance unless they have a little alcohol in them. 

justsie

OliveOilsMom said:

OP - You mention Texas, so I will just throw this out, but is Texas, where you are, warm enough for an outdoor event in March???

Also, while you would like dancing at your wedding, just remember that there are some people who will not dance unless they have a little alcohol in them. 

March really is a crapshoot in Texas. One year it is perfect weather, next year we have snow during spring break time, another year its hot. A back up plan is certainly going to be needed here. 

*Barbie*

justsie said:

OliveOilsMom said:

OP - You mention Texas, so I will just throw this out, but is Texas, where you are, warm enough for an outdoor event in March???

Also, while you would like dancing at your wedding, just remember that there are some people who will not dance unless they have a little alcohol in them. 

March really is a crapshoot in Texas. One year it is perfect weather, next year we have snow during spring break time, another year its hot. A back up plan is certainly going to be needed here. 

She said she's looking for Houston area, so she'll probably be fine outdoors, other than the potential for rain. In the ~6 years that we've lived in Houston, we had a random-ass ice storm in March, but typically the weather is really nice during the day. She may need heaters/tent for an evening event, but daytime would probably be in the low 70s.

justsie

*Barbie* said:

justsie said:

OliveOilsMom said:

OP - You mention Texas, so I will just throw this out, but is Texas, where you are, warm enough for an outdoor event in March???

Also, while you would like dancing at your wedding, just remember that there are some people who will not dance unless they have a little alcohol in them. 

March really is a crapshoot in Texas. One year it is perfect weather, next year we have snow during spring break time, another year its hot. A back up plan is certainly going to be needed here. 

She said she's looking for Houston area, so she'll probably be fine outdoors, other than the potential for rain. In the ~6 years that we've lived in Houston, we had a random-ass ice storm in March, but typically the weather is really nice during the day. She may need heaters/tent for an evening event, but daytime would probably be in the low 70s.

I also live in Houston, but went to college around 2 hours away for a few years and remember being amazed at how for a few years it was snowing for Spring Break. I still stand by what I said that she is going to need a back up plan if she wants an outdoor wedding. 

CMGragain

Knottie1459970861 said:

In regards to the friction, I don't want a very traditional wedding.

I don't like the "traditional music" like the Wedding March that is usually in weddings, which MIL doesn't like.
There are many options to this music.  The Wagner processional isn't used much these days.
She also insisted that everyone in her family would be offended if they weren't invited which led to 40 or so people on his side being on the original list. Well, I'm not close to my extended family and don't want them there, but that upset my mom who insists that both sides be as even as possible. This lead to 80 people being on the list, and neither me or FI were happy with that.
Sides don't have to be even.
Also, my best friend is going to be my Man of Honor. This really freaked out my mom who tried to convince me to not have him in my party. She then insisted on having both wedding parties be even. FI has a bunch of friends he's close to and his party would have 4 people max. I would have to have family step in on my side because I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not close to most of the people in my family so I don't have anyone that I would really want to be next to me.
Wedding parties do not have to be even, and they never have.
Both my mom and MIL have been flabbergasted at me not wanting to have a sit down meal. I don't want anything but cake and punch tbh. They both insist that we have to have food at the reception.
Cake and punch in the afternoon IS the most traditional style of wedding.
I also don't want alcohol there. Especially if we end up having 80 people, because we have family on both sides that tend to get a little too friendly with the juice, so I'd rather just not have it. Both MIL and my Mom have said that we HAVE to have alcohol, and they suggested a cash bar (which I know is a dirty word on the boards). My mom even said that it won't be a party and it won't be fun if people can't drink.
Alcohol at weddings is rather recent.  Many religious sites forbid it.
My mom even said that "You're getting the wedding I've always wanted." Which I'm sure she didn't mean to be as bad as it sounded, but boy did it sound bad.

Both sides have also suggested we just elope or worse (to me), go to the courthouse. I'm afraid that both of those would end up breaking my heart and I'd regret it forever.

We also have family members that have medical issues, making it hard for them to travel. I have one grandpa that lives ~2 hours away and has been having lapses in memory. We both have grandparents that live close by, and we would be crushed if they couldn't go. So I'm desperately trying to find a venue nearby that fits what we want in our budget. But that's really hard in Houston. All the venues I love and would fit easier are in Hill Country and I don't know if FI's grandma could make such a long drive.
It is not your job to make travel decisions for any guests.  You simply invite them, and they decide whether or not they can attend.

FI is trying to help whenever he can. He gets overwhelmed because he doesn't know what to do either. He thinks we could rent a park and be done with it, but he also doesn't know how that would *actually* work. We've seen the San Luis and both my mom and his were super excited but neither me or FI like it hardly at all, plus it goes way out of budget.
Anything that is out of your budget is not acceptable.

OP, there is nothing about your own plans that is non-traditional.  It is your mother's plans that are modern, not yours.  I'll bet she was married in the 1980s, wasn't she?  (Post Princess Diana's wedding.)  That is when weddings became really huge.

Knottie1459970861

OP, there is nothing about your own plans that is non-traditional.  It is your mother's plans that are modern, not yours.  I'll bet she was married in the 1980s, wasn't she?  (Post Princess Diana's wedding.)  That is when weddings became really huge.

I'm really glad to hear someone say that. My parents were actually married in a courthouse in 1996. I was 3 and my brother was just a few months old.

We are trying to everything ourselves, as I'm not sure how much FMIL is willing to help. I'd honestly rather pay for the whole thing ourselves and do it as cheap as possible. He wants to go get his Masters, we're moving out this summer. We have more important things to handle financially than a big wedding.

My dad agrees that my mom is living through me, and that he will handle her and make her deal with whatever I want lol

Right now, we're looking at having the ceremony at Marmion Park in Houston
http://www.aliciapyne.com/blog/blogshow-data/storage/a4ae/0302130792-a4af.jpg
http://www.martin-architects.com/images/i1_ext3.jpg
and having the reception in a Community Center nearby. If the weather goes south, we can do the ceremony in the Community Center instead.

The only thing I'm unsure of with the park is where people will park, and where me and FH will get ready?

CMGragain

Traditional wedding in 1947 (the year MY parents were married):

An afternoon ceremony was held at the church.  (Most brides were married in church weddings or in courthouse ceremonies.)
Bride's dress was homemade and had long sleeves.
Groom wore his good suit.
After the ceremony, guests were served cake and punch in the church basement/social hall.  No dancing, no alcohol, no professional photography.
Honeymoon was a big hotel in the nearest big city for a few nights.
Nobody expected any more than this.

Catholic church weddings had the reputation of being more elaborate and more expensive.  They often served a meal at the reception.

Knottie1459970861

CMGragain said:

Traditional wedding in 1947 (the year MY parents were married):

An afternoon ceremony was held at the church.  (Most brides were married in church weddings or in courthouse ceremonies.)
Exactly what I want, although outside and not in a Church.

Bride's dress was homemade and had long sleeves.
Groom wore his good suit.
I have stood fast on wanting the men in suits, although my mom and FH's mom both think they should be in a tux.

After the ceremony, guests were served cake and punch in the church basement/social hall.  No dancing, no alcohol, no professional photography.
That is EXACTLY what I want. The only difference is that I'd like some dancing, and a few photos. Although I've basically been told that no one is going to dance with us if we don't get them some alcohol.

Honeymoon was a big hotel in the nearest big city for a few nights.
Nobody expected any more than this.

Catholic church weddings had the reputation of being more elaborate and more expensive.  They often served a meal at the reception.

That sounds wonderful. No pomp and circumstance. No trying to impress other people with the big, expensive wedding. Sounds so chill and relaxed.

JediElizabeth

I'm late to the game, but I'll second the national or local park idea. I'm not sure about Texas, but I have a friend in PA who had his reception in a park because the contract prohibited him from serving alcohol, and it was easier than having a conversation with his family about WHY he didn't want to serve certain people. 

Everything you have planned sounds wonderful. 

thisismynickname2

I'm going to chime in and say, OP, it's ok that you're stressed out. I, too, had money from parents and a "laid back" groom (hah, not). I can remember crying on the phone to my mom that "wedding planning is supposed to be fun and this is awful!"
It will take some strategic negotiations to get the parents on the same page with your vision and, to be honest, to get your groom more involved. My groom pretended to be laid back until I made it clear to him it was ok, and expected, to have opinions and desires for one's own wedding. Once he and I became a true wedding-planning team, it was so much easier!

All that really matters is butts in seats and food in bellies. (And that people are protected from the elements.)

And, can I just say, a big fuck-general-you to everyone who's ever believed that so-and-so will be offended for not being invited to their family member's wedding? Seriously, almost no one is offended except crazy people you don't even care about anyway. My sister had a tiny wedding and her husband's extended family breathed a sigh of relief, and now tiny weddings are more the norm on that side of the family. It gets to be too much. Believe it or not, people are perfectly capable of respecting someone's wishes to have a smaller event. Rant over.