Can you refuse a gift?

londinium215

Hi all, bit of an awkward one here. A long time friend of mine has decided that for our wedding gift, she'd like to pay for dinner one night during our honeymoon. A lovely sentiment, really, but a relative has already given us a massive cash gift that is meant to cover our honeymoon - but, fine, whatever, it's possible it won't cover it entirely. More importantly though, I feel really awkward about it because rather than get us a gift card or something her plan is to just call the restaurant and give her credit card information. Which means that I'm going to feel really awkward about what we order - I'll be super self conscious about ordering something nice because it's not even like I can ask her about budget (she's told me we can just go wild and have a fun evening with drinks etc) and I just don't want to deal with that. 

I think it's really sweet that she wants to give us a gift but this just isn't one I feel all that comfortable accepting - I'd much rather she get something off our registry, or do literally anything else. Even cash in an envelope with a note saying that it's for a night out while we're on our honeymoon - it's just the whole "her knowing exactly how much we're spending" bit that makes me uncomfortable. 

Is there any way to refuse this without being awkward about it?

CMGragain

No.  That would be insulting.  Accept the gift, graciously, and send her a thank you note.

PaperTigersx

 I'm not sure if this would be rude or not, but maybe you can ask about her gift being for breakfast or lunch? Usually those are lighter meals and less expensive. 

I would feel awkward about this arrangement too because I wouldn't want my friend to think I was abusing her gift by running wild with food and drinks and also because what if something happened and she ended up being unable to pay for you? 
I think it's a bit strange that you wouldn't have the money in hand already. Isn't it bad to Count on money you don't physically have? 

Hope  you get some good suggestions on this dilemma! 

STARMOON44

Either explain that you're just not comfortable with the logistics because you'll be traveling and aren't sure where you are going to be eating and are worried about potential language or time zone issues or accept graciously. Your reasons are really silly- just order what you would like, pick a reasonably priced wine and enjoy. 

holyguacamole79

I think you're overthinking this.  Accept the gift graciously and don't go crazy at dinner. 

charlotte989875

You don't get to choose, or suggest, what people give to you. Graciously accept the gift and as @holyguacamole79 said order reasonably. If you want to go overboard at dinner tell the server that you'd like to split the bill between your friends card and your own. 

AddieCake

Yeah, just accept and eat a moderately priced meal. 

downtondiva

When my husband and I were on our honeymoon, we had very expensive meals a couple of nights and the rest were at more moderately priced restaurants. I'd say use this gift at the latter so you're accepting the gift without taking advantage. Save the cash gift from your relative for the splurges.

scrunchythief

I do find it a bit weird.  Also, plenty of restaurants can't or won't take credit card payment over the phone.  So keep that in mind if you do accept.  I'd ask the restaurant in advance if they can accommodate this.

Viczaesar

londinium215 said:

Hi all, bit of an awkward one here. A long time friend of mine has decided that for our wedding gift, she'd like to pay for dinner one night during our honeymoon. A lovely sentiment, really, but a relative has already given us a massive cash gift that is meant to cover our honeymoon - but, fine, whatever, it's possible it won't cover it entirely. More importantly though, I feel really awkward about it because rather than get us a gift card or something her plan is to just call the restaurant and give her credit card information. Which means that I'm going to feel really awkward about what we order - I'll be super self conscious about ordering something nice because it's not even like I can ask her about budget (she's told me we can just go wild and have a fun evening with drinks etc) and I just don't want to deal with that. 

I think it's really sweet that she wants to give us a gift but this just isn't one I feel all that comfortable accepting - I'd much rather she get something off our registry, or do literally anything else. Even cash in an envelope with a note saying that it's for a night out while we're on our honeymoon - it's just the whole "her knowing exactly how much we're spending" bit that makes me uncomfortable. 

Is there any way to refuse this without being awkward about it?

JIC.

MandTFebruary62011

My sister actually did this for us as a Christmas gift a few years ago.  This was my sister, so it may have been a little different but I did ask her about the "go wild" statement because I didn't want to go too wild and I know we can get out of hand.  She was able to clarify for me what that meant (all the food we wanted and maybe one nicer bottle of wine).  She did send other treats our way and we bought an extra bottle of wine because we wanted more.  It was honestly an incredible gift because we could enjoy dinner and then leave!  I would assume anywhere you would go your friend will have seen the menu and have an idea of what the top range cost might be.  
I do think other people have a great suggestion for you in terms of making this a more moderate dinner as opposed to one of your really nice nights out.  
This is a very thoughtful gift.  It's not a plan that someone would make without thinking about it and it would be insulting to tell her no.  You can make sure that you don't take advantage of the gift in an abusive way.

ernursej

I would just say thank you and enjoy. Like PPs have suggested, order moderately. Think share an appy, each have your own entrée and maybe have 1-2 desserts and a reasonably priced bottle of wine or a few cocktails.

londinium215

Thanks all. I know it's not as big a deal as it probably seems, I'm just really socially awkward and especially awkward about money and in my head this feels like a recipe for disaster. We're doing a very short honeymoon, and there's just one nicer meal we're planning on doing - I suggested the other, local place we're planning to eat at but she vetoed it as being too inexpensive. I think as long as she can make it work with the restaurant, we'll just go with it and keep it moderate. 

@Viczaesar I don't know what JIC means?

[Deleted User]

I understand why you're uncomfortable, but from an outsider perspective this really doesn't seem like a recipe for disaster.

She has apparently looked at the menu and knows an approximate of what she'll be spending.  Furthermore, she said to go wild.  At this point give your friend some credit, because it would be pretty shitty and backhanded if she accused you of exploiting her gift.  By stressing out too much what you're telling her is that you don't trust her to keep her word, or that she's not genuine in wanting to give you this gift.  Order like a normal person and within reason, of course, but just enjoy your dinner out as well!

JIC: just in case.  Posters delete their original post without warning sometimes, and once you're quoted you can't delete/edit the quote.

londinium215

Spoonsey said:

I understand why you're uncomfortable, but from an outsider perspective this really doesn't seem like a recipe for disaster.

She has apparently looked at the menu and knows an approximate of what she'll be spending.  Furthermore, she said to go wild.  At this point give your friend some credit, because it would be pretty shitty and backhanded if she accused you of exploiting her gift.  

That's true. Thanks. I know my social anxiety often leads to me finding problems where there aren't any, but since my FH also felt awkward about it I wasn't sure if this was a case where I was making my own problem or if there actually was one!

jacques27

Take your friend's word at face value. You're making it much harder than it has to be.  If i buy a gift certificate for somewhere then i have to guess what they'll likely want and may be inadvertently limiting them, or causing them to order more than they want because i overestimated, or causing them to have to spend money above and beyond the certificate. When it comes to buying someone a meal, I almost find a certificate worse - I'd feel badly if they couldn't order what they wanted to keep it in the certificate amount or had to chip in.  And if i do buy certificates, i usually buy them figuring they'll order an app, two entrees, two desserts, four drinks or a bottle of wine and budget for the most expensive items.  All this does is take the guess work out of it.  Assume your friend knows what they are doing.  I certainly wouldnt order dom or buy a round for the whole restaurant, but there really is no need to have such anxiety about it and not enjoy yourselves.  If she got something of your registry, every one would know the price of that, too - its not like stores keep their prices a secret.

LtPowers

It's rude to reject a gift, but this one seems unnecessarily complicated logistically. Are typical fancy restaurants even equipped to take credit card payment over the phone for a meal eaten on premises? They can't get a signature; how can they verify that the person on the phone has authorization to use the card number she's giving them? What if there's a problem with the bill or the service?

I think it's kind of rude to impose these types of questions on the recipient of a gift, especially one prone to anxiety.

jacques27

LtPowers said:

It's rude to reject a gift, but this one seems unnecessarily complicated logistically. Are typical fancy restaurants even equipped to take credit card payment over the phone for a meal eaten on premises? They can't get a signature; how can they verify that the person on the phone has authorization to use the card number she's giving them? What if there's a problem with the bill or the service?

I think it's kind of rude to impose these types of questions on the recipient of a gift, especially one prone to anxiety.

The same way other places of business do it.  I worked retail - we took phone orders all the time and then either shipped it or they picked it up in store later. We just typed in the credit card number and expiration date into the machine. It's really not as complicated as you are making it out to be. How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore. A co-worker's wallet was stolen and they managed to rack up $3,000 in charges at places all over the city before anyone noticed.

From the OPs view it's not that complicated all she has to do is tell the maitre d who she is and that her friend has made arrangements.  And clearly her friend is comfortable with it or she wouldn't have suggested it and just threw a wad of cash in an envelope.  This type of thing isn't so unheard of - it may not be "the norm" but its not that rare.

LtPowers

jacques27 said:

How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore.

Online, that's what the CVV is for -- those three digits on the back of the card. Those verify at least that you have the card in your possession and didn't just get the number from a list.

Retailers are not allowed by the credit card companies to check ID; they're supposed to match signatures.

SaintPaulGal

I'll join the chorus of people telling you to relax and enjoy the gift.  Don't freak yourself out; this is a completely reasonable and thoughtful thing to do for you. 

I would also urge you not to go overboard on the "order moderately" thing, either.  It's fine to get the filet, particularly if you know this friend told you to "go wild" and you know she isn't struggling to put food on the table for herself.  Just don't order the filet AND the lobster AND 5 bottles of the most expensive wine for each of you.  Imagine that you were paying the bill yourself and splurging on a fancy dinner.  That is the amount that it is perfectly appropriate to spend.

[Deleted User]

londinium215 said:

Spoonsey said:

I understand why you're uncomfortable, but from an outsider perspective this really doesn't seem like a recipe for disaster.

She has apparently looked at the menu and knows an approximate of what she'll be spending.  Furthermore, she said to go wild.  At this point give your friend some credit, because it would be pretty shitty and backhanded if she accused you of exploiting her gift.  

That's true. Thanks. I know my social anxiety often leads to me finding problems where there aren't any, but since my FH also felt awkward about it I wasn't sure if this was a case where I was making my own problem or if there actually was one!

I've also dealt with social anxiety in the past, and know the feeling of creating problems out of next to nothing.  Glad you're feeling better about this!

Heffalump

LtPowers said:

jacques27 said:

How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore.

Online, that's what the CVV is for -- those three digits on the back of the card. Those verify at least that you have the card in your possession and didn't just get the number from a list.

Retailers are not allowed by the credit card companies to check ID; they're supposed to match signatures.

Nobody checks signatures.  I mean, nobody.  There was a really interesting episode of the Planet Money podcast on this very topic.

http://www.npr.org/sections/money/2014/08/29/344034815/episode-564-the-signature

princessleia22

If she's a really good friend, you may be able to be honest and say that you are a bit uncomfortable with the open ended cost and hoping that she may be able to give you some parameters on what "go wild" means (like, less than $200? Less than $500?  Less than $1000?)... not that you would necessarily intend to really overdo it. But, it sounds like your friend has looked into it and is aware of the costs at this restaurant and it fine with it.  So, I'd order what you want, get a few drinks or maybe a bottle of wine. Just don't go super extravagant.  If you want that super expensive rare vintage bottle of wine, maybe ask the waitstaff to ring that up separate. But, if I made an offer like that to a friend, I'd plan on them getting a higher quality entree (filet, lobster, etc) and a bottle or two of decent wine.

ernursej

Heffalump said:

LtPowers said:

jacques27 said:

How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore.

Online, that's what the CVV is for -- those three digits on the back of the card. Those verify at least that you have the card in your possession and didn't just get the number from a list.

Retailers are not allowed by the credit card companies to check ID; they're supposed to match signatures.

Nobody checks signatures.  I mean, nobody.  There was a really interesting episode of the Planet Money podcast on this very topic.

http://www.npr.org/sections/money/2014/08/29/344034815/episode-564-the-signature

The only time I get my signature checked is when I use my card in the US. I think that is slowly changing as chip technology is expanded. I write "see ID" on the back of my credit cards and almost always, they ask for a piece of ID.

jacques27

Heffalump said:

LtPowers said:

jacques27 said:

How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore.

Online, that's what the CVV is for -- those three digits on the back of the card. Those verify at least that you have the card in your possession and didn't just get the number from a list.

Retailers are not allowed by the credit card companies to check ID; they're supposed to match signatures.

Nobody checks signatures.  I mean, nobody.  There was a really interesting episode of the Planet Money podcast on this very topic.

http://www.npr.org/sections/money/2014/08/29/344034815/episode-564-the-signature

Exactly. I can't even tell you the last time I saw a clerk check my signature. If they did they would see that I signed it and wrote please see ID on the back. All of my friends write see ID on the back of their cards. Those who do check will ask to see my ID however I would say 95% of the time clerks never look at the back of the card and give me my card back before I have even signed the slip so there's nothing for them to even check and compare.
 

My point is people order things over the phone and pay for them with their credit card over the phone all the time. It's not that complicated. It doesn't require a Blood Oath and notary public and a sworn affidavit. Most places barely even check just as long as the payment goes thru.

OliveOilsMom

jacques27 said:

Heffalump said:

LtPowers said:

jacques27 said:

How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore.

Online, that's what the CVV is for -- those three digits on the back of the card. Those verify at least that you have the card in your possession and didn't just get the number from a list.

Retailers are not allowed by the credit card companies to check ID; they're supposed to match signatures.

Nobody checks signatures.  I mean, nobody.  There was a really interesting episode of the Planet Money podcast on this very topic.

http://www.npr.org/sections/money/2014/08/29/344034815/episode-564-the-signature

Exactly. I can't even tell you the last time I saw a clerk check my signature. If they did they would see that I signed it and wrote please see ID on the back. All of my friends write see ID on the back of their cards. Those who do check will ask to see my ID however I would say 95% of the time clerks never look at the back of the card and give me my card back before I have even signed the slip so there's nothing for them to even check and compare.
 

My point is people order things over the phone and pay for them with their credit card over the phone all the time. It's not that complicated. It doesn't require a Blood Oath and notary public and a sworn affidavit. Most places barely even check just as long as the payment goes thru.

H also writes "See ID" on the back of his credit cards.  I would say his request to show ID is also around 95%.  I will say that when we were on vacation once (FL or HI) they seemed to ask at every place we went, which was nice!

Heffalump

jacques27 said:

Heffalump said:

LtPowers said:

jacques27 said:

How does a company know you're really the person when you purchase things online? Most places don't even check ID anymore.

Online, that's what the CVV is for -- those three digits on the back of the card. Those verify at least that you have the card in your possession and didn't just get the number from a list.

Retailers are not allowed by the credit card companies to check ID; they're supposed to match signatures.

Nobody checks signatures.  I mean, nobody.  There was a really interesting episode of the Planet Money podcast on this very topic.

http://www.npr.org/sections/money/2014/08/29/344034815/episode-564-the-signature

Exactly. I can't even tell you the last time I saw a clerk check my signature. If they did they would see that I signed it and wrote please see ID on the back. All of my friends write see ID on the back of their cards. Those who do check will ask to see my ID however I would say 95% of the time clerks never look at the back of the card and give me my card back before I have even signed the slip so there's nothing for them to even check and compare.
 

My point is people order things over the phone and pay for them with their credit card over the phone all the time. It's not that complicated. It doesn't require a Blood Oath and notary public and a sworn affidavit. Most places barely even check just as long as the payment goes thru.

Ever since I listened to that episode, as I have gotten replacement/updated cards I haven't bothered to sign the backs.  And I have been questioned about it exactly 0 times.

wink0erin

It would be rude to decline the gift, but this sounds like a logistical nightmare. I also get anxious about things and would probably spend the meal worried about the payment working or looking like I'm dine-and-dashing or that my server wouldn't get the appropriate tip, insert any number of other issues. 

Probably best to assume your friend knows what she is doing and try not to think about it any further. 

kahluakoala

When I was in college as my bday gift my parents would "throw" me a birthday party by doing the same thing and picking up the check at a dinner with me and my friends. They would call the restaurant before hand with their CC info and approval (which I'm guessing the server wrote down with the reservation). I assume they also specified a tip on the card. 

Can confirm - pretty easy / standard thing to do (especially with restaurants on the higher end of average) and not even remotely a logistically nightmare.

Op - you are overthinking this. Enjoy yourselves. Don't order like, two entrees so you can have one for lunch the next day or anything crazy like that. Don't get the most expensive bottle of wine. Get whatever entree you want and enjoy.

LtPowers

It's off-topic, so this is the last I'll say on it, but "see ID" can backfire, and it's not approved by the credit card companies: http://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/sign-or-write-see-ID-1282.php

Greenjinjo

If you haven't already I would check with the restaurant that they would be okay doing this. Just because other places will do it doesn't mean this restaurant will. I would also get confirmation from a manager working there, not just a regular staff member just to be sure. 

I've never heard of people doing this before, is it a common thing?