My husband doesn't praise me like he should.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I both use Facebook, but I am a much more active user than he is. For special occasions, such as my birthday, it would make me feel very special if he’d write a post about me, which is what I see a lot of friends do. I know it’s silly, but I like it, and it would mean a lot to me. My husband refuses to do this, because he thinks it doesn’t matter and that he doesn’t need to put those things on Facebook. Currently, I’m pregnant with our first baby and would have loved a post for Mother’s Day, but he wouldn’t do it. Am I being ridiculous for getting my feelings hurt over this? Can I ask him to make these posts, or does that make it less genuine?

—Afraid to Ask

ShesSoCold

mrs.conn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I both use Facebook, but I am a much more active user than he is. For special occasions, such as my birthday, it would make me feel very special if he’d write a post about me, which is what I see a lot of friends do. I know it’s silly, but I like it, and it would mean a lot to me. My husband refuses to do this, because he thinks it doesn’t matter and that he doesn’t need to put those things on Facebook. Currently, I’m pregnant with our first baby and would have loved a post for Mother’s Day, but he wouldn’t do it. Am I being ridiculous for getting my feelings hurt over this? Can I ask him to make these posts, or does that make it less genuine?

—Afraid to Ask

I hate to tell other people how to feel and that their feelings are wrong, but this is a little ridiculous to me.

Why should he put something on the facebook if he's (presumably) sitting right next to her? Why is a "Happy Birthday" post for all to see more important than an actual "Happy Birthday"?

LW is overreacting, IMHO.

bleve0821

Yes.  It's ridiculous to want this kind of validation on a public forum.  Don't be an attention whore.

Honestly, I hate when people do this.  It's like there's this burning need for confirmation that your life is meaningful because others say it is.  That your accomplishments, however trivial, mean more because strangers "like" it.  If the husband wants to post these things on a public forum, that's his choice.  Asking him to do it because you feel "left out" and less special than others who receive this kind of attention does make it less genuine.

mrsconn23

Don't all the studies say that the most effusive people on FB about their partner are the most insecure in their relationship?

Also when I see *many* posts about how great someone's partner is, I roll my eyes and wonder what they're trying to prove.  

Heffalump

ShesSoCold said:

mrs.conn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I both use Facebook, but I am a much more active user than he is. For special occasions, such as my birthday, it would make me feel very special if he’d write a post about me, which is what I see a lot of friends do. I know it’s silly, but I like it, and it would mean a lot to me. My husband refuses to do this, because he thinks it doesn’t matter and that he doesn’t need to put those things on Facebook. Currently, I’m pregnant with our first baby and would have loved a post for Mother’s Day, but he wouldn’t do it. Am I being ridiculous for getting my feelings hurt over this? Can I ask him to make these posts, or does that make it less genuine?

—Afraid to Ask

I hate to tell other people how to feel and that their feelings are wrong, but this is a little ridiculous to me.

Why should he put something on the facebook if he's (presumably) sitting right next to her? Why is a "Happy Birthday" post for all to see more important than an actual "Happy Birthday"?

LW is overreacting, IMHO.

Yeah, she can have her feelings, but what she chooses to do about them is another thing.  And in this case, she should choose to appreciate his good qualities and not worry about what he's not posting on FB about her.  And if he doesn't have any good qualities, then that's an entirely separate issue.  But it sounds like this is his only "flaw," so she should get over it.

Heffalump

Another double post?  WTF, Knot?

VarunaTT

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

kimmiinthemitten

I wonder if the reason she wants this outside affirmation is because a. something is making her insecure in her relationship or b. she's not receiving those affirmations in person either.

I agree that demanding a FB post is silly, but to @VarunaTT 's point, LW's H could say - what else can I do to make you feel good and special today?

mrsconn23

I know this is hokey, but I feel like they could maybe benefit from the 5 love languages test.  Mine was pretty accurate. I like action/service from my partner (like DH remembering to do something w/o me asking) and presents (like flowers) to feel loved.  I also don't even need DH to take it to know that he likes physical affection and praise/appreciation to make him feel loved.  

lembaslover

kimmiinthemitten said:

I wonder if the reason she wants this outside affirmation is because a. something is making her insecure in her relationship or b. she's not receiving those affirmations in person either.

I agree that demanding a FB post is silly, but to @VarunaTT 's point, LW's H could say - what else can I do to make you feel good and special today?

Yea at first I just thought this woman was being stupid because honestly I'd much rather have my husband wake me up to say happy birthday happy mothers day (were it applicable) in person than write a sappy post on FB. However if he's not doing that in person or has done something to make her feel insecure in their relationship (besides not posting about her) then that makes more sense. She is pregnant with her first kid and maybe when she wrote to Prudie she was just having a hormonal day or weight gain or something is making her insecure.

Also @VarunaTT's point, even if she is just being silly in wanting this, it's not like she's asking him to carry her up a mountain or something. It'd take him all of 30 seconds to write a quick post.

mrsconn23

DH is not a big about FB.  He'll go weeks without posting.  

The only thing we do consistently do is tag each other in pics of the kids. 

He refuses to wish anyone happy birthday on FB.  For him, it's an 'all or none' thing because he would have a weird guilt-complex if he forgot someone.  

I think that this lady needs to accept that it's not his thing.  If he was an active user and frequently wished other people well on special days, I could see her point.  But if he's like my H and doesn't do it at all, then maybe she needs to let it go. 

thefanciestbeckler

Yeah, this is a little ridiculous to me too. DH never posts about me- ever. Mostly all he posts is funny videos. Occasionally he'll share one on my wall. That's the extent of it. Do I care? No. He makes me feel loved where it matters, like, you know, REAL LIFE.

charlotte989875

mrs.conn23 said:

DH is not a big about FB.  He'll go weeks without posting.  

The only thing we do consistently do is tag each other in pics of the kids. 

He refuses to wish anyone happy birthday on FB.  For him, it's an 'all or none' thing because he would have a weird guilt-complex if he forgot someone.  

I think that this lady needs to accept that it's not his thing.  If he was an active user and frequently wished other people well on special days, I could see her point.  But if he's like my H and doesn't do it at all, then maybe she needs to let it go. 

My H is the same way, he only uses social media for gym videos and pictures of the dog. If he did send me a birthdays post I'd think his account was hacked. 

MesmrEwe

Pregnancy Hormones....  There - I said it...

It's like the woman who wants flowers and her husband won't buy them for her - so buy them for yourself in the style you wish he'd do.  Either he'll get the hint or you'll start enjoying the flowers that you wanted and got...  I can only imagine the letter that will follow after baby is born and he didn't get her a "Push Present" that he didn't know existed until a week before baby and doesn't believe in...

But really - is it that difficult to type "Happy Birthday" and click "Post"...

OurWildKingdom

If she's not already doing so, LW needs to model the behavior she wants from her husband, but with no strings attached. Post something for Father's Day or his birthday. Buy him flowers, give him compliments, generally spoil him without expecting anything in return. 

crowsgirl15

I can't speak for this woman's husband...but I actually feel really uncomfortable posting something personal to someone I love out there for everyone to see. I feel like those things are meant to be between us, whether it's a birthday message, or an anniversary, or just an "I love you" cuz it's Tuesday.

Obviously, not everyone feels that way, and I don't judge anyone (including my SO) when they put things like that out there...but it can be more than just "thinking it's stupid" or "not being an FB person".

All that being said, I feel like this needs to be more of a discussion for them. Obviously it's not just about a FB post, and she should figure out what it's actually about, and then talk to him about that, rather than asking for a FB shout out for her birthday.

spockforprez

Sorry. I'm insecure. I LOVE when H says something sweet about me on Facebook. It makes me sooooo happy. He rarely posts anything so when he does and it's a shout out to me, I feel like the most special woman on the planet. 

I know why I am that way. I had a boyfriend-who-wasn't-a-boyfriend for five years. I had horrible self-esteem and let him use me. I could blow him every night of the week, but holding my hand in public was verboten. lol. So yes, H acknowledging our relationship in public makes me feel loved and reassured. I am so happy I married someone who loves me despite my neuroses and knows how to make me feel special, insecurities and all.

We all have baggage. I know it's super trendy to pretend that we are all Jennifer Lawrence and we are the cool girl who is one of the guys and doesn't give a shit about X or Y. Maybe you couldn't care less about Facebook, but there's something else just as silly or AWish that plays on your history or your background. 

I agree with Varuna. Whenever someone says, "What's the big deal? It's just X," it makes me think, "Exactly. It's just X. So what's the big deal?" 

Now that I'm done being incredibly defensive haha -

I also agree that it's a two-way street and you have to find compromises. For example, H will never be good at getting me flowers. I love to receive flowers and he is shit at giving them. I have never received unprompted flowers, and of the two (prompted) flowers I have received, one of them I ended up picking out myself at Trader Joe's and the other was a nearly-funereal arrangement in a basket that I hated and hated myself for hating, spoiling the whole damn thing. I can't get him to understand even a jonquil pulled out of the yard would make my day, as long as it was just because he thought it would make me happy. So, you know... I chose to get over it. Now I buy my own flowers and arrange them in pretty vases and pitchers. I don't expect flowers from H and I focus on the ways he DOES show he's thinking of me. 

And, I agree that over-the-top displays on social media can be a sign of something wrong. One of my closest friends texts me play-by-plays of her fights with her husband. Terrible things like "I am watching the baby, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilets 3 weeks postpartum while he has been watching football for three hours." Inevitably, within 24 hours of the fight she posts out about how blessed she is and how much she loves her life and he's such a great husband. I always feel like those posts are directed, if only subconsciously, at me. Just kidding, it was a moment of weakness, everything's fine...

kvruns

spockforprez said:

I also agree that it's a two-way street and you have to find compromises. For example, H will never be good at getting me flowers. I love to receive flowers and he is shit at giving them. I have never received unprompted flowers, and of the two (prompted) flowers I have received, one of them I ended up picking out myself at Trader Joe's and the other was a nearly-funereal arrangement in a basket that I hated and hated myself for hating, spoiling the whole damn thing. I can't get him to understand even a jonquil pulled out of the yard would make my day, as long as it was just because he thought it would make me happy. So, you know... I chose to get over it. Now I buy my own flowers and arrange them in pretty vases and pitchers. I don't expect flowers from H and I focus on the ways he DOES show he's thinking of me. 

And, I agree that over-the-top displays on social media can be a sign of something wrong. One of my closest friends texts me play-by-plays of her fights with her husband. Terrible things like "I am watching the baby, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilets 3 weeks postpartum while he has been watching football for three hours." Inevitably, within 24 hours of the fight she posts out about how blessed she is and how much she loves her life and he's such a great husband. I always feel like those posts are directed, if only subconsciously, at me. Just kidding, it was a moment of weakness, everything's fine...

I'm someone who would rather get just because $5 grocery store flowers than obligatory valentine's delivery flowers or whatever - but really I never get either haha. Right before Thanksgiving last year there was a flower delivery (I wasn't home) - he was all proud of himself for getting "me" flowers. Except he ordered a Thanksgiving table centerpiece since we were hosting but put some note that said they were for me. I hate, hate, HATE flower centerpieces for the holidays bc theyre cheesy and not the kind of flowers I like, its more greenery usually. But he has sent them to my family and his for the holidays which is a nice gesture. He didn't get the flowers for me, he got them for his Thanksgiving table, don't try to say you sent me flowers! The card is still on the fridge "to my wife who never gets flowers" and I just shake my head.

charlotte989875

spockforprez said:

Sorry. I'm insecure. I LOVE when H says something sweet about me on Facebook. It makes me sooooo happy. He rarely posts anything so when he does and it's a shout out to me, I feel like the most special woman on the planet. 

I know why I am that way. I had a boyfriend-who-wasn't-a-boyfriend for five years. I had horrible self-esteem and let him use me. I could blow him every night of the week, but holding my hand in public was verboten. lol. So yes, H acknowledging our relationship in public makes me feel loved and reassured. I am so happy I married someone who loves me despite my neuroses and knows how to make me feel special, insecurities and all.

We all have baggage. I know it's super trendy to pretend that we are all Jennifer Lawrence and we are the cool girl who is one of the guys and doesn't give a shit about X or Y. Maybe you couldn't care less about Facebook, but there's something else just as silly or AWish that plays on your history or your background. 

I agree with Varuna. Whenever someone says, "What's the big deal? It's just X," it makes me think, "Exactly. It's just X. So what's the big deal?" 

Now that I'm done being incredibly defensive haha -

I also agree that it's a two-way street and you have to find compromises. For example, H will never be good at getting me flowers. I love to receive flowers and he is shit at giving them. I have never received unprompted flowers, and of the two (prompted) flowers I have received, one of them I ended up picking out myself at Trader Joe's and the other was a nearly-funereal arrangement in a basket that I hated and hated myself for hating, spoiling the whole damn thing. I can't get him to understand even a jonquil pulled out of the yard would make my day, as long as it was just because he thought it would make me happy. So, you know... I chose to get over it. Now I buy my own flowers and arrange them in pretty vases and pitchers. I don't expect flowers from H and I focus on the ways he DOES show he's thinking of me. 

And, I agree that over-the-top displays on social media can be a sign of something wrong. One of my closest friends texts me play-by-plays of her fights with her husband. Terrible things like "I am watching the baby, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilets 3 weeks postpartum while he has been watching football for three hours." Inevitably, within 24 hours of the fight she posts out about how blessed she is and how much she loves her life and he's such a great husband. I always feel like those posts are directed, if only subconsciously, at me. Just kidding, it was a moment of weakness, everything's fine...

That works for both of you, so that's great. I don't think anyone here was saying it's wrong to post messages on Facebook about your spouse or SO (at least I wasn't).

It's not about being the "cool girl, Jennifer Lawrence type" (although for the record I'm a total fan girl) but about really being different mediums for that. If people base their assessments of their (or others) relationships on social media posts they would look at mine and say "Oh Charlotte's H clearly doesn't love/care/whatever since he never posts on there about her" which couldn't be farther from the truth, it's just not his way of expressing it. If this is LW needs yes her H should probably just do it, but really if he is doing other things that express these feeling (she even said he says these things in private) it's like she's telling him how to express his own feelings. 

bleve0821

H doesn't post on Facebook about me, and I very, very rarely post about him.  We're married, and we love each other, and we know we love each other, and that's more than enough for both of us.  I posted something stupid sappy on the anniversary of the day we met, mostly because it was pure chance that we even met and it still blows my mind that a 10-second random encounter at my front door that happened because I had to cancel my plans for the day has led to a marriage and a lifetime together.

We have friends who are in a rocky relationship (similar to @spockforprez)and they post CONSTANTLY about how much they love each other and how they're so lucky to have each other and how no marriage is perfect, so that's where my disillusionment comes from.  I don't feel the need to tell the world how much I love H, and while I won't deny I'd be flattered if he did that for me, I don't need him to, nor would I ask him to.  The world knows, because a lot of our world attended our wedding and saw for themselves that we love each other.  If I asked and he delivered, that would cheapen it for me.  It's the spontaneity of his small acts of affection that are what really speak to me.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to tell the world.  I just think it's wrong to tell the world solely to validate your feelings, and that's the sense I get from within my social media circle.  The people who don't post don't fight, and the people who fight a lot post a lot.  Obviously, this isn't a universal truth.

LW sounded really whiny to me.  If H shows affection outside of social media, that's what's real.  If H didn't have a Facebook account at all, would she be pressuring him to create one so he could post about her?

banana468

I think all of this really means that they both need to do a better job communicating.

My DH is all over FB and tweets about the things that are important to him all the time.   So on my birthday when I got a really sweet message from him out to the world yeah, I liked it.   The previous day he was probably tweeting at Elon Musk so I like it when I get a little attention.   That said, our posts are rarely about each other unless we're doing something fun together (like a trip we took last weekend).

For me, the public aspect of his affection isn't as important ask knowing that we are good and we are in a good place.   He's a bit of a tough nut to open so  for us, the love language is tricky.     

crowsgirl15

charlotte989875 said:

spockforprez said:

Sorry. I'm insecure. I LOVE when H says something sweet about me on Facebook. It makes me sooooo happy. He rarely posts anything so when he does and it's a shout out to me, I feel like the most special woman on the planet. 

I know why I am that way. I had a boyfriend-who-wasn't-a-boyfriend for five years. I had horrible self-esteem and let him use me. I could blow him every night of the week, but holding my hand in public was verboten. lol. So yes, H acknowledging our relationship in public makes me feel loved and reassured. I am so happy I married someone who loves me despite my neuroses and knows how to make me feel special, insecurities and all.

We all have baggage. I know it's super trendy to pretend that we are all Jennifer Lawrence and we are the cool girl who is one of the guys and doesn't give a shit about X or Y. Maybe you couldn't care less about Facebook, but there's something else just as silly or AWish that plays on your history or your background. 

I agree with Varuna. Whenever someone says, "What's the big deal? It's just X," it makes me think, "Exactly. It's just X. So what's the big deal?" 

Now that I'm done being incredibly defensive haha -

I also agree that it's a two-way street and you have to find compromises. For example, H will never be good at getting me flowers. I love to receive flowers and he is shit at giving them. I have never received unprompted flowers, and of the two (prompted) flowers I have received, one of them I ended up picking out myself at Trader Joe's and the other was a nearly-funereal arrangement in a basket that I hated and hated myself for hating, spoiling the whole damn thing. I can't get him to understand even a jonquil pulled out of the yard would make my day, as long as it was just because he thought it would make me happy. So, you know... I chose to get over it. Now I buy my own flowers and arrange them in pretty vases and pitchers. I don't expect flowers from H and I focus on the ways he DOES show he's thinking of me. 

And, I agree that over-the-top displays on social media can be a sign of something wrong. One of my closest friends texts me play-by-plays of her fights with her husband. Terrible things like "I am watching the baby, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilets 3 weeks postpartum while he has been watching football for three hours." Inevitably, within 24 hours of the fight she posts out about how blessed she is and how much she loves her life and he's such a great husband. I always feel like those posts are directed, if only subconsciously, at me. Just kidding, it was a moment of weakness, everything's fine...

That works for both of you, so that's great. I don't think anyone here was saying it's wrong to post messages on Facebook about your spouse or SO (at least I wasn't).

It's not about being the "cool girl, Jennifer Lawrence type" (although for the record I'm a total fan girl) but about really being different mediums for that. If people base their assessments of their (or others) relationships on social media posts they would look at mine and say "Oh Charlotte's H clearly doesn't love/care/whatever since he never posts on there about her" which couldn't be farther from the truth, it's just not his way of expressing it. If this is LW needs yes her H should probably just do it, but really if he is doing other things that express these feeling (she even said he says these things in private) it's like she's telling him how to express his own feelings. 

Yeah, I can't speak for other people, but I'm not trying to be "cool" when I say that I don't need or particularly want public declarations as part of my love life...whether that's Facebook or any other sort of AWish thing. For the way I experience love, putting things that should be just between us out there for others to comment feels like it takes away from our relationship, it doesn't add to it.

If you both feel similarly that public declarations are positive and important, that's awesome, and that works for you! But that doesn't mean that those of us that don't are trying to "pretend to be the cool girl"...to some of us, it is genuinely unimportant that our SO tells everyone else how they're feeling. I only need him to tell me.

ShesSoCold

crowsgirl15 said:

charlotte989875 said:

spockforprez said:

Sorry. I'm insecure. I LOVE when H says something sweet about me on Facebook. It makes me sooooo happy. He rarely posts anything so when he does and it's a shout out to me, I feel like the most special woman on the planet. 

I know why I am that way. I had a boyfriend-who-wasn't-a-boyfriend for five years. I had horrible self-esteem and let him use me. I could blow him every night of the week, but holding my hand in public was verboten. lol. So yes, H acknowledging our relationship in public makes me feel loved and reassured. I am so happy I married someone who loves me despite my neuroses and knows how to make me feel special, insecurities and all.

We all have baggage. I know it's super trendy to pretend that we are all Jennifer Lawrence and we are the cool girl who is one of the guys and doesn't give a shit about X or Y. Maybe you couldn't care less about Facebook, but there's something else just as silly or AWish that plays on your history or your background. 

I agree with Varuna. Whenever someone says, "What's the big deal? It's just X," it makes me think, "Exactly. It's just X. So what's the big deal?" 

Now that I'm done being incredibly defensive haha -

I also agree that it's a two-way street and you have to find compromises. For example, H will never be good at getting me flowers. I love to receive flowers and he is shit at giving them. I have never received unprompted flowers, and of the two (prompted) flowers I have received, one of them I ended up picking out myself at Trader Joe's and the other was a nearly-funereal arrangement in a basket that I hated and hated myself for hating, spoiling the whole damn thing. I can't get him to understand even a jonquil pulled out of the yard would make my day, as long as it was just because he thought it would make me happy. So, you know... I chose to get over it. Now I buy my own flowers and arrange them in pretty vases and pitchers. I don't expect flowers from H and I focus on the ways he DOES show he's thinking of me. 

And, I agree that over-the-top displays on social media can be a sign of something wrong. One of my closest friends texts me play-by-plays of her fights with her husband. Terrible things like "I am watching the baby, making dinner, and scrubbing the toilets 3 weeks postpartum while he has been watching football for three hours." Inevitably, within 24 hours of the fight she posts out about how blessed she is and how much she loves her life and he's such a great husband. I always feel like those posts are directed, if only subconsciously, at me. Just kidding, it was a moment of weakness, everything's fine...

That works for both of you, so that's great. I don't think anyone here was saying it's wrong to post messages on Facebook about your spouse or SO (at least I wasn't).

It's not about being the "cool girl, Jennifer Lawrence type" (although for the record I'm a total fan girl) but about really being different mediums for that. If people base their assessments of their (or others) relationships on social media posts they would look at mine and say "Oh Charlotte's H clearly doesn't love/care/whatever since he never posts on there about her" which couldn't be farther from the truth, it's just not his way of expressing it. If this is LW needs yes her H should probably just do it, but really if he is doing other things that express these feeling (she even said he says these things in private) it's like she's telling him how to express his own feelings. 

Yeah, I can't speak for other people, but I'm not trying to be "cool" when I say that I don't need or particularly want public declarations as part of my love life...whether that's Facebook or any other sort of AWish thing. For the way I experience love, putting things that should be just between us out there for others to comment feels like it takes away from our relationship, it doesn't add to it.

If you both feel similarly that public declarations are positive and important, that's awesome, and that works for you! But that doesn't mean that those of us that don't are trying to "pretend to be the cool girl"...to some of us, it is genuinely unimportant that our SO tells everyone else how they're feeling. I only need him to tell me.

This. My husband doesn't even have a facebook and I don't know anything about Jennifer Lawrence.

Maybe H and I are more private type people but if it made H uncomfortable to stand on a table and yell to everyone around that he loves me, that's something I need to get over. If LW told her husband she'd like it if he posted mushy stuff and he hasn't, he might be uncomfortable with it. I would be. It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, it means I'm not a public sap.

mrsconn23

I love the teeny pop-off going on here.   It's been a long week.

spockforprez

Replying to all - the reference to J.Law was just an example, not accusing each PP personally of trying to be like her. I think it's generally a trend to be cynical or too cool (a trend of which I too am guilty at times). Like during the Super Bowl or whatever, tons of people on social media go, "WHO CARES ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL, THERE ARE WAY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS" or "What even IS football? LOL wow I super don't care about sports!" Okay, great. That is fine! But, some people do care about it. Like LW cares about being acknowledged on facebook. To dismiss her concerns out of hand because you personally don't care about/need/want/enjoy facebook posts from your SO isn't kosher. IMO, obviously. That was my point.

I also went on to say that it may be something LW needs to compromise on, or just get over. It also could be something her SO needs to compromise on or get over. Who knows? That's for them to decide. But it doesn't make her "ridiculous" or an AW or the type of person who would demand a push present (wtf). 

tigerlily6

kimmiinthemitten said:

I wonder if the reason she wants this outside affirmation is because a. something is making her insecure in her relationship or b. she's not receiving those affirmations in person either.

I agree that demanding a FB post is silly, but to @VarunaTT 's point, LW's H could say - what else can I do to make you feel good and special today?

^ All of this. I don't think this is actually about facebook at all. I think it's her wanting him to provide some kind of public affirmation. 

SaintPaulGal

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

flantastic

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

kahluakoala

flantastic said:

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

Public affirmations can be very valuable in a relationship. Someone who is privately committed but unable to be proud of their relationship in their relationship is concerning to me. You've clearly never been in a relationship with someone who is privately into you but won't introduce you to their friends, family, etc. Feeling like they don't receive public affirmations can be symptomatic of feeling like your partner is "embarrassed" by you, which is super clearly a problem. 

Personally, I think FB is kind of silly, but public affirmations are important to me in some way shape or form, because I want my man to be as proud to be with me as I am to be with him.

thisismynickname2

First of all:

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you like I should

~Fatboy Slim

Ok now that song's out of my system and in y'all heads, I think it's a really good point that people can be privately affectionate yet publicly not, which might be indicative of other issues, like hiding the relationship or being embarrassed by the relationship. But, Facebook is an odd choice of expression. What did we all do before it? Well, couples introduced someone to their friends, invited them to hang out with their friends, maybe held hands in public or did very minor displays of affection in public (hugs, a quick kiss- not like "get a room" PDA). I think it's completely unnecessary to show affection on Facebook if you are still demonstrating in other ways, publicly, that you are proud of and/or happy in your relationship. To be honest, my husband did once ask me why I never said mushy stuff about him on Facebook. I said that I hate that mushy crap, and that I was always tagging him in status updates anyway- like "dinner at xplace w/DH" or I posted our travel pictures with smiley selfies of us. Why did he need a gushy post when I'm already posting about our lives together quite a bit? He's never brought it up since (and he barely posts on FB anyway, much less about me!). 

Heffalump

KahluaKoala said:

flantastic said:

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

Public affirmations can be very valuable in a relationship. Someone who is privately committed but unable to be proud of their relationship in their relationship is concerning to me. You've clearly never been in a relationship with someone who is privately into you but won't introduce you to their friends, family, etc. Feeling like they don't receive public affirmations can be symptomatic of feeling like your partner is "embarrassed" by you, which is super clearly a problem. 

Personally, I think FB is kind of silly, but public affirmations are important to me in some way shape or form, because I want my man to be as proud to be with me as I am to be with him.

FFS, she's not saying that he won't introduce her to friends or family, she's not saying that he's embarrassed by her, she's basically saying "It doesn't count unless it's on Facebook."  And THAT is the silly part.