My husband doesn't praise me like he should.

ShesSoCold

KahluaKoala said:

flantastic said:

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

Public affirmations can be very valuable in a relationship. Someone who is privately committed but unable to be proud of their relationship in their relationship is concerning to me. You've clearly never been in a relationship with someone who is privately into you but won't introduce you to their friends, family, etc. Feeling like they don't receive public affirmations can be symptomatic of feeling like your partner is "embarrassed" by you, which is super clearly a problem. 

Personally, I think FB is kind of silly, but public affirmations are important to me in some way shape or form, because I want my man to be as proud to be with me as I am to be with him.

There is a huge gap between "OMGGGG MY WIFE IS THE BEST EVERRRR AND SHES MY CUPCAKEPANTS AND I LOVE HER FACE" on facebook and "privately committed but unable to be proud of their relationship in their relationship" (I assume you mean public here). That's a HUGE jump! It's a giant conclusion to jump to, to assume that LW's husband is ashamed of her because he doesn't post sappy-ass shit on facebook.

crowsgirl15

KahluaKoala said:

flantastic said:

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

Public affirmations can be very valuable in a relationship. Someone who is privately committed but unable to be proud of their relationship in their relationship is concerning to me. You've clearly never been in a relationship with someone who is privately into you but won't introduce you to their friends, family, etc. Feeling like they don't receive public affirmations can be symptomatic of feeling like your partner is "embarrassed" by you, which is super clearly a problem. 

Personally, I think FB is kind of silly, but public affirmations are important to me in some way shape or form, because I want my man to be as proud to be with me as I am to be with him.

I've been in a relationship like that. It sucked. But that isn't the issue being discussed here. He has introduced her to his friends and family, and he married her. Not introducing me to your friends and family is much different than not being willing to write a personal post to me that your 800 Facebook "friends" and anyone else in your privacy settings can see.

Public affirmations are not the same as being willing to integrate someone as part of your life (i.e. introduce them to your friends and family). And not making a public declaration on Facebook is not indicative of someone being ashamed of their partner.

I do think there is a legitimate issue in this person's relationship, that she isn't feeling loved or noticed by her partner, and that Facebook is simply the mechanism she is focused on. But, I gotta say, if I didn't feel loved by my partner, the last thing I would want is for him to make it a public pronouncement to "prove" that he loved me. That's something we should work through privately.

SaintPaulGal

flantastic said:

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

Hold on a minute here...why is it "acceptable" to ask him to spend money on severed plant parts but not kosher to ask that he not treat her like a dirty little secret?  Just because *you* desire flowers more than you desire public acknowledgment of your relationship?  Not everyone has the same priorities.

Everybody has their own favorite little things that make them feel loved/valued.  Clearly the letter writer enjoys the social recognition that comes from being in a relationship.  "Should" she feel that way?  I don't think that is for any of us to judge.  But she does feel that way, and it costs the husband nothing to extend her that kindness.

Look, I would feel differently if she was demanding daily paragraphs-long treatises on his love for her.  But "Happy Mother's Day to my wife Sally.  Can't wait to welcome our little one in July."  That is like...baseline level acknowledgement that she exists.  There is no possible way that a functional person would find that to be excessively emotionally taxing.

lovegood90

Whoa, some major projection going on here. Since when do people who think it's silly/stupid/unnecessary to have public affirmations about their relationship plastered on social media are all of a sudden trying to be "cool" (and like Jennifer Lawrence, what even?)

This line of thinking is no different than people who go around saying "Oh I'm not like most girls/I'm not like other girls," etc. I don't get why people can't have different opinions about things without one person trying to undermine the other...but I guess that's where the projection comes in, right?

flantastic

Oh good Lord. He married her. She's not his "dirty little secret." He's not a Facebook person, per her own description. Either she's feeling unloved in other ways or she's too fixated on social media. Either way, not something a single birthday post each year will fix unless she looks a little deeper - and my spouse would want to know about the deeper issue, not just say "Here's your post, that's solved." That's my main point.

ShesSoCold

SaintPaulGal said:

flantastic said:

SaintPaulGal said:

VarunaTT said:

I don't care what *I* think about someone else's post about their partner.

If your partner says to you, "This would make me feel special and I would like you to do it for me and make me feel special," you *&^%$! do it (w/in logical reason, don't murder someone).  Doing this literally costs this man nothing and helps his wife feel like she's special to him.

Yeah, little projection here.

I'm with @VarunaTT.  If you love someone, you should by definition want to make them happy.  If they share with you something that would bring them joy and cost you no money and extremely little in the way of time, why wouldn't you do it?  What possible reasonable explanation could you have for denying them that happiness?  I think the unwillingness to take even such a small action for her sake is the real problem here.

She told him what she wants.  Maybe it's silly, maybe it's not inherently his style.  But what kind of a jerk would rather choose to make his partner feel sad and hurt than type the words "Happy Birthday to my lovely wife Jane"?

I think we all have a responsibility to do for our partners, particularly when such actions cost us nothing.

If my husband told me that he needed some sort of public affirmation of our relationship, I'd be concerned. Why? Why is that a thing you need? I can understand enjoying it if it your partner posts a public affirmation of you, but if your partner isn't the sort of person to do this thing, I feel like it should be much easier to shrug and get over.

I understand simple things like "I wish you'd make more of an effort not to drop your shit on the floor here, I'm liable to trip over it." Or even, "I wish you'd bring me flowers more often." But if it's something that could be symptomatic of a relationship concern, I'd be less likely just to roll with it and post the damn thing to make him feel "happy." Would that really be the thing that makes him happy? I'd want to know more about why he felt I needed to declare my love for him publicly.

Hold on a minute here...why is it "acceptable" to ask him to spend money on severed plant parts but not kosher to ask that he not treat her like a dirty little secret?  Just because *you* desire flowers more than you desire public acknowledgment of your relationship?  Not everyone has the same priorities.

Everybody has their own favorite little things that make them feel loved/valued.  Clearly the letter writer enjoys the social recognition that comes from being in a relationship.  "Should" she feel that way?  I don't think that is for any of us to judge.  But she does feel that way, and it costs the husband nothing to extend her that kindness.

Look, I would feel differently if she was demanding daily paragraphs-long treatises on his love for her.  But "Happy Mother's Day to my wife Sally.  Can't wait to welcome our little one in July."  That is like...baseline level acknowledgement that she exists.  There is no possible way that a functional person would find that to be excessively emotionally taxing.

Okay, excessively emotionally taxing, no, but for me, even your little sentence would make me uncomfortable. I, personally, think that's totally unnecessary and cheesy. I'm assuming LW's husband saw her personally on mother's day and/or he has her phone number. Why is speaking directly to her - saying the exact same thing - less great than typing it out indirectly to her?

Regardless, though, LW's husband has made it clear to her that he doesn't want to post sap on the facebook. LW needs to let it go, IMHO.

ETA: If the facebook posts are the only issue, I think LW needs to move on. IF the lack of FB posts are part of a bigger problem, I think that needs to be addressed but that a sappy post on FB is not a solution to a bigger problem.

mrsconn23

thisismynickname said:

First of all:

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

We've come a long long way together,
Through the hard times and the good,
I have to celebrate you baby,
I have to praise you like I should

I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you like I should

~Fatboy Slim

And that is SO WHERE I came up with the title.  It's my BFF's song for me.  

VarunaTT

Some people like public affirmations.  I mean, hell, WTF is a wedding besides a big damn public affirmation?  I just don't see an issue with it and it seems a really small thing to do for your partner.  And again, it doesn't matter what *I* think about it, it's for her, from him.

flantastic

VarunaTT said:

Some people like public affirmations.  I mean, hell, WTF is a wedding besides a big damn public affirmation?  I just don't see an issue with it and it seems a really small thing to do for your partner.  And again, it doesn't matter what *I* think about it, it's for her, from him.

I just don't think him doing the really small thing will actually solve her issue, whatever it is.

VarunaTT

I try to take the LW at face value.  Unless she considers "Tuesday" a special occasion, which then I would say she was out of line, birthdays, Mother's Day, anniversaries, I think are fair game.

TrixieJess

AtomicBlonde said:

H doesn't post on Facebook about me, and I very, very rarely post about him.  We're married, and we love each other, and we know we love each other, and that's more than enough for both of us.  I posted something stupid sappy on the anniversary of the day we met, mostly because it was pure chance that we even met and it still blows my mind that a 10-second random encounter at my front door that happened because I had to cancel my plans for the day has led to a marriage and a lifetime together.

We have friends who are in a rocky relationship (similar to @spockforprez)and they post CONSTANTLY about how much they love each other and how they're so lucky to have each other and how no marriage is perfect, so that's where my disillusionment comes from.  I don't feel the need to tell the world how much I love H, and while I won't deny I'd be flattered if he did that for me, I don't need him to, nor would I ask him to.  The world knows, because a lot of our world attended our wedding and saw for themselves that we love each other.  If I asked and he delivered, that would cheapen it for me.  It's the spontaneity of his small acts of affection that are what really speak to me.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to tell the world.  I just think it's wrong to tell the world solely to validate your feelings, and that's the sense I get from within my social media circle.  The people who don't post don't fight, and the people who fight a lot post a lot.  Obviously, this isn't a universal truth.

LW sounded really whiny to me.  If H shows affection outside of social media, that's what's real.  If H didn't have a Facebook account at all, would she be pressuring him to create one so he could post about her?

LOL, I would wonder if we know the same people! 

FI and I don't even have our relationship status on FB. When I was pregnant, I asked people not to mention it on FB because there were people that I didn't want to know via FB until after our son was born. 

The most I will do is tag FI when I find something nerdy that I think he'll like and vice versa. Usually if he wants to tell me he loves me, he tells me, or if I'm not right there, he'll text me. 

I agree that LW seems insecure, but it could be because her DH just isn't that affectionate in real life, or because she sees all her friends' relationships being played out on social media and wonders what she's missing. 

missJeanLouise

I had a hard time a few years ago because I wanted FH to bring me flowers more often. It caused me a lot of stress because, even though I knew he loved me, I felt like my emotional needs weren't being. I felt like he should know that s is what I want, I deserve to be with someone who brings me flowers, etc. To me, I wanted to know he thought about me occasionally. I had a serious crisis about it over christmas when my depression is bad. Finally, and I don't know how, but I realized that everytime he bought me a usb stick those were his flowers. Just because he wasn't showing love in the way I thought he should or how I wanted didn't mean he wasn't showing it. I just had my sights trained on what I wanted instead of what I was getting. Once I opened my eyes, he shows he loves me everyday, multiple time a day. Instead of changing him, I changed my expectations and I am so grateful.

There is nothing wrong with stating what you would like from a partner but if it is outside their comfort zone it will become a chore to them, imo. 

charlotte989875

So LE says specifically she wants this because it will make her feel special, and because she sees other people do it. Also, she wants to know if telling him to do it will make it less genuine. So she's not asking because she feels like "his dirty little secret" (side note: seriously how did you get this from the letter?!) or because he refuses to acknowledge her publicly. She also said she's an more active user and he is a very limited user. So no he's not hiding the relationship or refusing to introduce her/be seen with her/ashamed of her. He just doesn't use Facebook for this! 

Second, of course it makes it less genuine. He's going to be doing it because you told him to do it! He's probably rolling his eyes while he's doing because after he presumably wished you happy birthday in person, probably told you he loved you, it doesn't mean anything unless he also tells it to all of Facebook. This is ridiculous. Like I said earlier if this is really something she needs, sure he can probably suck it up and do it. But many of us on here, me included, have husbands who are private people, who are introverts and don't publicly share feelings or emotions. I think it would be equally as ridiculous for me to try and insist he does something that makes him uncomfortable (or just generally doesn't want to do) because I see other people's H's do that for them. 

Heffalump

This whole "Saying it in person isn't enough, you have to post it on FB for everyone to see" reminds me so much of this:

climbingsingle

IMO if you need your SO to post things like this on social media, you have bigger, underlying issues. That's not me acting like I'm cool or above it. I honestly believe that people that constantly post mushy declarations of love and appreciation are actually in the most dysfunctional relationships. I've seen this first hand with friends and with relatives. 

If your SO loves you and shows you appreciation and affection in your day to day life, why do you need that posted on Facebook? I dated a guy for 5 years (before H) that didn't even have FB. Did I feel unloved? Nope. Was I jealous of other people and their FB posts? No. 

And if you have to force someone to post something about you on social media, doesn't it lose its meaning? 

Also not getting where the "dirty little secret" comes in. He's not hiding her. He's just not a person that posts stuff like that on social media. 

It's a wonder what we did in the 90s and 00s before things like this existed... 

Heffalump

climbingwife said:

IMO if you need your SO to post things like this on social media, you have bigger, underlying issues. That's not me acting like I'm cool or above it. I honestly believe that people that constantly post mushy declarations of love and appreciation are actually in the most dysfunctional relationships. I've seen this first hand with friends and with relatives. 

If your SO loves you and shows you appreciation and affection in your day to day life, why do you need that posted on Facebook? I dated a guy for 5 years (before H) that didn't even have FB. Did I feel unloved? Nope. Was I jealous of other people and their FB posts? No. 

And if you have to force someone to post something about you on social media, doesn't it lose its meaning? 

Also not getting where the "dirty little secret" comes in. He's not hiding her. He's just not a person that posts stuff like that on social media. 

It's a wonder what we did in the 90s and 00s before things like this existed... 

That's my issue, in a nutshell.  She is a FB person.  He is not.  She wants to change him into a FB person.  But she can't change him, she can only change herself.  She's already asked him to do it, and he hasn't. 

You (general) and your SO want to post your love for each other, cool.  I may not read it, but as long as you're both happy, you do you.  But this isn't a case of him not helping around the house, or not being emotionally supportive in general, this is a very specific thing that does not mesh with his personality, and she wants to force it.  It's as if she said "Jane's husband knitted her a sweater for their anniversary, and now I want you to do the same."  And no matter what he does, if it's not knitting a sweater, she won't be satisfied.  That seems really inflexible to me.

As I posted earlier (waaaaaaay earlier), if her emotional needs aren't being met, then that's a bigger issue, and one that they need to work on.  If it's specific to "Jane's husband posted a 400 word ode to her on Mother's Day and all I got was this crappy card" (or whatever), then she needs to let it go, IMO.

mrsconn23

Two pages plus pop-offing...It's like the WW days of yore. 

VarunaTT

Compromise is about both sides giving up something and maybe being a little happy and a little unhappy. 

It feels real odd to hear a bunch of women stating that LW should change her mind and what makes her feel good to protect her husband's feelings over what makes her feel special to him (and again, not talking about murder here, just a FB post).  AND force her to change to not only recognize his love language, but accept that HIS love language is the one she should accept and respect, not ask him to recognize and meet hers.  Isn't the whole point of the love language book to help you recognize your spouse's language and help you meet them?  With the idea that they do the same for you?  I don't remember it being, "Figure out your spouse's and change yours to that so they don't have to work at it".

Then, the judging her for telling him, "This would make me feel special"?  I'm sorry, did I miss the memo where we gave up on, "Use your words" and fostering communication?  Again, just b/c you think the "thing" is stupid, doesn't mean it actually is or shouldn't be paid attention to.  What if she wanted a stuffed teddy bear from the hospital where the kid is born?  What if she wanted him to go to a Justin Bieber concert with her.  I can think of plenty of things I think are stupid for a grown ass woman to do with her husband, but if that makes her happy and he wants to make her happy and that keeps it going, I'd rather be supportive.

I think him posting something on a special occasion like her first Mother's Day, or a big birthday/anniversary (5 years, 30th birthday) and her not bringing it up again after that is a pretty good compromise.  Just b/c you don't like what she likes, doesn't mean she's an idiot or that her wants/needs are invalid.

charlotte989875

VarunaTT said:

Compromise is about both sides giving up something and maybe being a little happy and a little unhappy. 

It feels real odd to hear a bunch of women stating that LW should change her mind and what makes her feel good to protect her husband's feelings over what makes her feel special to him (and again, not talking about murder here, just a FB post).  AND force her to change to not only recognize his love language, but accept that HIS love language is the one she should accept and respect, not ask him to recognize and meet hers.  Isn't the whole point of the love language book to help you recognize your spouse's language and help you meet them?  With the idea that they do the same for you?  I don't remember it being, "Figure out your spouse's and change yours to that so they don't have to work at it".

Then, the judging her for telling him, "This would make me feel special"?  I'm sorry, did I miss the memo where we gave up on, "Use your words" and fostering communication?  Again, just b/c you think the "thing" is stupid, doesn't mean it actually is or shouldn't be paid attention to.  What if she wanted a stuffed teddy bear from the hospital where the kid is born?  What if she wanted him to go to a Justin Bieber concert with her.  I can think of plenty of things I think are stupid for a grown ass woman to do with her husband, but if that makes her happy and he wants to make her happy and that keeps it going, I'd rather be supportive.

I think him posting something on a special occasion like her first Mother's Day, or a big birthday/anniversary (5 years, 30th birthday) and her not bringing it up again after that is a pretty good compromise.  Just b/c you don't like what she likes, doesn't mean she's an idiot or that her wants/needs are invalid.

I think the first part is a really fair criticism. If this is really something she needs, they should find a compromise that works for both of them. If this is something that is hurting her feelings then yes she should bring it up to him, but I think a number of the posts here were suggesting she should also look at the root of these feelings as well. 

I think the reason im so defensive about this is that I've had a number of people, MIL and other people who know H well, make comments about his lack of affection in public (Facebook or otherwise). We're not public displays of affection people, it just doesn't work for us. It frustrates me that there is an attitude that things are not validated unless they are "Facebook official". I honestly don't think its healthy behavior to be so concerned about what is online to the extent that you devalue what is happening in reality. 

ETA: I'm a feminist and believe it asking for thing you need. But I also respect my H a lot and if I'm asking him to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing I'm going to make sure it's something I actually need rather than its something other people's actions or words and making me think I need. 

VarunaTT

I get that.  FB is a very odd modern intrusion into our daily lives.  I always had my relationship status hidden and when the divorce hit, I was so goddamn glad I had.  At the same time, this is really no different than the family Christmas letter that everyone used to make fun of too.  For some people, it's eye roll worthy.  For others, they like to hear about that stuff.  

I also tend to think of my FB as my own little dictatorship and people can do whatever the hell they want with it.  I posted too damn much, so I started a Page, so I didn't have to annoy all of my friends.  I figure if you took the time to "like" my personal Page, then you signed up to hear all the random Varuna thoughts that I enjoy sending out in the internets.

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

ETA: I'm a feminist and believe it asking for thing you need. But I also respect my H a lot and if I'm asking him to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing I'm going to make sure it's something I actually need rather than its something other people's actions or words and making me think I need. 

Yes! This!! 

Would I be happy/flattered if DH wrote a post for me on bday? Yes.  But he didn't. 

HE DID get up early to go our favorite doughnut shop to get fresh doughnuts and then got me flowers and cards (and cards are NOT his thing either (he thinks they're a waste of time and end up in the trash)), but he knows I love giving and receiving them (the funnier, the better).

So not knowing if her H is refusing any request from her or just *this* one would make all the difference.  At face value, if it's just the FB shit...she needs to think about why she feels she needs this and also, what her husband DOES do to make her happy. 

VarunaTT

mrs.conn23 said:

charlotte989875 said:

ETA: I'm a feminist and believe it asking for thing you need. But I also respect my H a lot and if I'm asking him to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing I'm going to make sure it's something I actually need rather than its something other people's actions or words and making me think I need. 

Yes! This!! 

Would I be happy/flattered if DH wrote a post for me on bday? Yes.  But he didn't. 

HE DID get up early to go our favorite doughnut shop to get fresh doughnuts and then got me flowers and cards (and cards are NOT his thing either (he thinks they're a waste of time and end up in the trash)), but he knows I love giving and receiving them (the funnier, the better).

So not knowing if her H is refusing any request from her or just *this* one would make all the difference.  At face value, if it's just the FB shit...she needs to think about why she feels she needs this and also, what her husband DOES do to make her happy. 

And there's the difference.  He thinks cards are stupid; you love giving/receiving them.  So he did that thing.

I really think this is more about how you guys value/think an FB post.  I really feel like if she had said nearly anything else, you'd be more down on the husband.

ShesSoCold

VarunaTT said:

mrs.conn23 said:

charlotte989875 said:

ETA: I'm a feminist and believe it asking for thing you need. But I also respect my H a lot and if I'm asking him to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing I'm going to make sure it's something I actually need rather than its something other people's actions or words and making me think I need. 

Yes! This!! 

Would I be happy/flattered if DH wrote a post for me on bday? Yes.  But he didn't. 

HE DID get up early to go our favorite doughnut shop to get fresh doughnuts and then got me flowers and cards (and cards are NOT his thing either (he thinks they're a waste of time and end up in the trash)), but he knows I love giving and receiving them (the funnier, the better).

So not knowing if her H is refusing any request from her or just *this* one would make all the difference.  At face value, if it's just the FB shit...she needs to think about why she feels she needs this and also, what her husband DOES do to make her happy. 

And there's the difference.  He thinks cards are stupid; you love giving/receiving them.  So he did that thing.

I really think this is more about how you guys value/think an FB post.  I really feel like if she had said nearly anything else, you'd be more down on the husband.

I think you might be right. BUT for me, it's the publicity of it. If LW had said that her H doesn't make out with her at the family reunion or wear a t-shirt that says "I'm with her" and an arrow, I think I'd have the same response. It's not just that I'm not a fan of sappy facebook posts, I'm not a fan of public affection at all. If Mrs.Conn was sad that her H did all these wonderful things but didn't post any pictures of the doughnuts on her facebook, that would be a "her" problem, IMHO.

lnixon8

This is reminding me of the thread about throwing your own birthday party vs. organizing it. H doesn't like birthdays, I completely gave up on him doing anything for mine so i took it into my own hands. I plan a birthday party at my house, text my friends, cook all day so I have all the food and drinks that I like!

Maybe not for mothers day but LW could make her own posts about their anniversary or other milestones (this month I've seen a lot of new moms post statues like "thank you Aiden for making me the happiest mom ever! I am so lucky to have you in my life. Happy mothers Day to gramma and the rest of you awesome Moms about there!" Not my style but neither are the dads that post from their kids either.

mrsconn23

VarunaTT said:

mrs.conn23 said:

charlotte989875 said:

ETA: I'm a feminist and believe it asking for thing you need. But I also respect my H a lot and if I'm asking him to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing I'm going to make sure it's something I actually need rather than its something other people's actions or words and making me think I need. 

Yes! This!! 

Would I be happy/flattered if DH wrote a post for me on bday? Yes.  But he didn't. 

HE DID get up early to go our favorite doughnut shop to get fresh doughnuts and then got me flowers and cards (and cards are NOT his thing either (he thinks they're a waste of time and end up in the trash)), but he knows I love giving and receiving them (the funnier, the better).

So not knowing if her H is refusing any request from her or just *this* one would make all the difference.  At face value, if it's just the FB shit...she needs to think about why she feels she needs this and also, what her husband DOES do to make her happy. 

And there's the difference.  He thinks cards are stupid; you love giving/receiving them.  So he did that thing.

I really think this is more about how you guys value/think an FB post.  I really feel like if she had said nearly anything else, you'd be more down on the husband.

Feelings are hard, as evidenced by all the responses to this post.  

OurWildKingdom

OK, true confession here: FW and I are one of those disgustingly mushy couples on FB, but I don't expect it of her. We do tag each other in a lot of posts: things related to our various fandoms, recipes, jokes we think the other person might enjoy. But I try to keep a balance between those and the other things I post.

I do think a conversation between LW and her H is in order, so they can discuss ways that they can make each other feel loved. It is a two-way street; what is LW doing for her H?

crowsgirl15

ShesSoCold said:

VarunaTT said:

mrs.conn23 said:

charlotte989875 said:

ETA: I'm a feminist and believe it asking for thing you need. But I also respect my H a lot and if I'm asking him to do something that he doesn't feel comfortable doing I'm going to make sure it's something I actually need rather than its something other people's actions or words and making me think I need. 

Yes! This!! 

Would I be happy/flattered if DH wrote a post for me on bday? Yes.  But he didn't. 

HE DID get up early to go our favorite doughnut shop to get fresh doughnuts and then got me flowers and cards (and cards are NOT his thing either (he thinks they're a waste of time and end up in the trash)), but he knows I love giving and receiving them (the funnier, the better).

So not knowing if her H is refusing any request from her or just *this* one would make all the difference.  At face value, if it's just the FB shit...she needs to think about why she feels she needs this and also, what her husband DOES do to make her happy. 

And there's the difference.  He thinks cards are stupid; you love giving/receiving them.  So he did that thing.

I really think this is more about how you guys value/think an FB post.  I really feel like if she had said nearly anything else, you'd be more down on the husband.

I think you might be right. BUT for me, it's the publicity of it. If LW had said that her H doesn't make out with her at the family reunion or wear a t-shirt that says "I'm with her" and an arrow, I think I'd have the same response. It's not just that I'm not a fan of sappy facebook posts, I'm not a fan of public affection at all. If Mrs.Conn was sad that her H did all these wonderful things but didn't post any pictures of the doughnuts on her facebook, that would be a "her" problem, IMHO.

This is really indicative of how I feel about it as well. I also admit to coming from a place of 'it's not just that I think it's stupid, it's something that makes me uncomfortable', so it's possible I'm projecting that on the husband as well.

But I also think it's possible that someone who doesn't post about their personal life on Facebook isn't just doing it because they think "it's stupid". So I also have to take into the account that if the husband is refusing to do something...yeah, it might be because he doesn't value his wife's feelings. But it could also be something more than that. I think it's different from a card, or flowers, or remembering to pick up the dry cleaning (this is literally the best thing my SO can do in my eyes, lol), because it is something that others are experiencing in addition to the couple.

If it's "Facebook post, or I don't feel loved" for the wife, then, yeah, sorry, I have some judgement about that. He doesn't want to make a Facebook post. Find something else that could satisfy that need.

madamerwin

WOW this thread has gotten a lot of action!

So, H and I are definitely not FB over-sharers, and we never post that mushy shit. On our 5-year dating anniversary, I did post a picture of him smoking a cigar in Mexico (we were on our honeymoon) with something like "Five years with this guy. Looking forward to many more." I did it because a) I loved the photo, and b) I did want to acknowledge that we were both celebrating our marriage and five years together.

I usually post a photo of him as a kid/baby to his wall on his birthday, but honestly I don't even remember if he posts anything at all on my birthday. But considering he is not a super-active FB user, I would not expect him to do so. He shows me he cares in so many other ways, and I don't place that much meaning on FB. In fact, I regularly unfollow people who get all mushy all the time.

I will say this about LW: I would get her point if her H was a super active FB user and posted all kinds of shit every single day. In that case, I may argue that if it means that much, he should do it. But she admitted that he doesn't use FB regularly, and that she wants him to do it because that's what other people do. I feel like she is looking for affirmation that she has a great relationship, and she has something to prove to other people. Definitely seems like there are deeper issues here.

ABeautifulJourney

I'll jump in and defend LW here because I was BSC during my pregnancy and I definitely made mountains out of molehills. 

FH and I are almost polar opposites. I'm textbook ENFP, he's textbook ISTP. Our primary love language is "quality time," but the rest of them are totally opposite--I value words of affirmation, he values acts of service, etc. So there are times I get frustrated because I like mushy romantic stuff and he's cracking dumb jokes, and there are times that he gets frustrated that I don't realize that the dumb jokes are, like a PP said about USB drivs, the way he's showing me he loves me.

Yes, there is likely a lot more to LW's fixation on Facebook, and a come to Jesus meetin' probably wouldn't hurt, but I can also see where it's a valid concern and a valid feeling. And when you're pregnant, you're already hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware of how stupid you feel and sound when you say/do things you wouldn't normally. It's possible she realizes how inane this is and can't help feeling stupid about it while feeling disappointed.