he's just not that into it

KnottieBobbi

This is my first marriage. This is his second. It's just going to be small, in our house and then to a restaurant for supper and then a backyard fire and some drinks (but I still have a dress and he's wearing formal wear). Mostly immediate family and a couple people for drinks after. We haven't told anyone yet except vendors. It's a small town and we don't want a big deal made, we've been living together for several years already.

But I feel like he's just not into it. I've been planning since the winter so we can take baby steps because I know his last marriage was a total disaster. I haven't made any decisions without his approval (except my dress and shoes and hair). It's basically been 'do you like this?' 'yep', 'do you want to do this?' 'sure'.

I'm almost 50. If this doesn't end up working out, I'm not getting married again. This is it. I want it to be fun and something we can plan together, but he's so hung up on his last marriage and his ex that I get nervous even talking to him about it because he gets so irritable and shuts down on me. Yesterday when we were looking at rings he said to the store owner in an angry voice 'I got talked into a lot of things I didn't want the last time around'. I haven't tried to talk him into anything. If anything, I'd really prefer more of his opinions. It's supposed to be our day.

We always have a really fun time doing anything and everything together and I want our wedding to be the same. I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him so he doesn't shut down on me. 

charlotte989875

KnottieBobbi said:

This is my first marriage. This is his second. It's just going to be small, in our house and then to a restaurant for supper and then a backyard fire and some drinks (but I still have a dress and he's wearing formal wear). Mostly immediate family and a couple people for drinks after. We haven't told anyone yet except vendors. It's a small town and we don't want a big deal made, we've been living together for several years already.

But I feel like he's just not into it. I've been planning since the winter so we can take baby steps because I know his last marriage was a total disaster. I haven't made any decisions without his approval (except my dress and shoes and hair). It's basically been 'do you like this?' 'yep', 'do you want to do this?' 'sure'.

I'm almost 50. If this doesn't end up working out, I'm not getting married again. This is it. I want it to be fun and something we can plan together, but he's so hung up on his last marriage and his ex that I get nervous even talking to him about it because he gets so irritable and shuts down on me. Yesterday when we were looking at rings he said to the store owner in an angry voice 'I got talked into a lot of things I didn't want the last time around'. I haven't tried to talk him into anything. If anything, I'd really prefer more of his opinions. It's supposed to be our day.

We always have a really fun time doing anything and everything together and I want our wedding to be the same. I'm not sure how to approach the subject with him so he doesn't shut down on me. 

What is it about his last marriage and ex that he's "hung up" about? It sounds like there are some unresolved issues he has and I would think these need to be addressed before you two are married. How long has he been divorced? Is it still recent or have these thing a been going on for a while? 

Communication is vitally important in a marriage and if you can't bring something up without him shutting down the conversation you need to deal with this before you do anymore planning. 

monkeysip

I wouldn't be too alarmed by a guy not into wedding planning.  There are a lot of guys who just don't care at all about the attire, flowers, music, etc.  

But it is worrisome if you can't talk about these things without him getting upset, and that he's obviously still resentful about his previous wedding and marriage.  

You need to be able to communicate well, and he needs to be completely healed from this old marriage before you both marry.  You need a good sit down talk with him, or maybe even some counseling if he won't talk.

thefanciestbeckler

I'm really sorry to hear that OP. That sucks. How often do you talk to him about wedding stuff? It can be really easy to let wedding talk take over without even realizing it.

When DH and I were engaged, talking about the wedding really stressed him out. He didn't enjoy any part of the planning other than maybe picking out the venue. I found it really helpful to schedule time with him to talk about the wedding, and limit wedding talk with him ONLY to the scheduled time.

Try something like this: "I understand that you aren't really enjoying the planning aspect of the wedding. Would it help if we set up a set time to talk about it? We will only talk about it on Thursday nights for an hour." If that doesn't help, you may want to gently tell him "when you say/do X, it makes me feel X". That's the way most counselors would recommend approaching a difficult, emotionally-charged subject.

I hope this helps!!!

princessleia22

Honestly, I would flat out tell him that you aren't his ex-wife and this isn't his previous marriage or wedding. He needs to start treating your current relationship based on it's own merits, not those of a past relationship, because it's really not fair to you to be punished for it.  And if he's SO concerned that this one is the same as his last, why is he even bothering with the relationship or a wedding?  There needs to be some real communication here and maybe some counseling.  It sounds like you are trying to involve him in decisions.  You need to make sure you tell him that this wedding is for both of you, that you don't want him to feel like he's being "talked into things", and he needs to be honest with you.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree counseling is in order. While it really isn't that big a deal to not be into the details of planning, the lack of communication is a red flag. You could ask your pastor/priest if you have one about counseling or ask your doctor to recommend someone.

OliveOilsMom

Ditto PrincessLeia.  It is not fair to you for your FI to compare your current wedding planning experience against the one he had with his Ex.  You need to talk to him before you keep planning.  I think counseling might need to be in order if he does not realize what he is saying and how it effects you.  A counselor can help him work past any current hang-ups he has from his previous marriage.

"FI, lately I have noticed that when we are doing anything related to the wedding, you bring up how your ex-W treated you during wedding planning and how I might be doing the same.  I'm not even sure you realize what you are saying.  But when I hear you compare me to your ex-W, it hurts my feelings."  Then see where the conversation goes. 

Maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing.  Maybe he thinks this is a way to break the ice with a sales person or even to show he won't be taken advantage of on price.  Regardless of why he does it, you need to tell him how it makes you feel.

thisismynickname2

OliveOilsMom said:

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"FI, lately I have noticed that when we are doing anything related to the wedding, you bring up how your ex-W treated you during wedding planning and how I might be doing the same.  I'm not even sure you realize what you are saying.  But when I hear you compare me to your ex-W, it hurts my feelings."  Then see where the conversation goes. 

This!!

My husband was married once before too, and would talk about how he hated his first wedding. Involving him in the planning is actually what helped. He couldn't get a titanium wedding band because he had that the first time around. He wanted the journalistic photography style because he hated always being pulled aside to smile for the camera so frequently his first time around. He wanted great food because his first venue had low-quality food.  When he realized that I wanted and needed his opinion on everything, he really stepped up to help deliver a wedding we both wanted. 

So have that conversation above and see what's really going on. If he doesn't want to be talked into anything... awesome. You want his opinion, not to have to cajole him into stuff. This shouldn't be hard. Good luck! 

CMGragain

It sounds to me like you are having communication issues and maybe not just about weddings!  Communication is everything in a marriage.  I think you should stop your wedding planning and go to counseling together.
I have seen marriages break up because the partners, who loved going out together, could not communicate about problems.
 

scrunchythief

Definitely get pre-marital counseling.  We did, and even though we'd done counseling before and a lot of reading/talking, it was still very helpful.  

If he shuts down, tell him that what you're talking about is important to you and ask for a time when you can revisit the subject.  

Does he normally shut down about difficult topics?  I'd be very concerned if this is a normal response for him.  If it is, he might benefit from solo counseling.  

Though the wedding you're planning sounds awesome:)  We would've done something similar if our families weren't huge and close.

KnottieBobbi

Thanks everyone. He says he's going to go to counselling on his own first. His ex is a psycho and he deals with Parental Alienation from his kids. It's now been over a week though and he hasn't made a move, so tomorrow I will ask he if wants me to call and set something up for him. Then we will go to premarital counselling together. Until then the wedding is postponed.  

OurWildKingdom

((((Hugs))))))))) to you. I hope everything works out. Stick around.

MNNEBride

Postponing until you get things sorted out is a good thing.  But it's OK to feel sad about it too.

OliveOilsMom

It might be hard now, but postponing until all issues have been sorted out will get you started on the right foot when you do marry.  Until that time, be patient with him (as long as he continues with his counseling) and know that the end goal is a happy marriage for BOTH of you.