Speeches

bohobride10

To preface - I was MOH in my friend's wedding and it was just assumed that I would be making a speech at her wedding, which I did. I don't remember ever asking her to do this.  As silly as it may sound to a lot of you, I was under the impression that was a "role" that the MOH undertakes; making a speech on behalf of the bride. 

I had written a post about my issue(ssssss) with my FSIL/MOH (asked to be MOH prior to us having issues that have not been resolved), and was THRILLED and felt incredibly empowered when so many of you said that in no way, shape, or form is the MOH required to make a speech. 

My question is two-fold:

a.) What do I do/how do I handle it if my FSIL/MOH expects that she is making a speech and never brings it up, but assumes. Do I broach the subject and say, "Sorry, I don't want you making a speech on my behalf" (in a more eloquent way), or is it normal for a MOH to ask the bride if they can make one?

b.) Have any of you NOT had a speech made on your behalf? FI is having his BM (his bro) make one, and potentially his best friend as well. I guess part of me is a bit self conscious if two people make speeches for him, and no one makes one for me (though I'm sure our guests would be thrilled!).

I know it's not a pissing contest, I'm just curious as to all of your experiences regarding speeches/who made them/what your expectation was involving them. 

Thanks, all! 

[Deleted User]

When I married my ex quite a few years ago, before the wedding my MOH said that she hated speaking in public and didn't want to make one. We also had a bunch of people make speeches who weren't asked ahead of time. So I think the speeches (those asked beforehand and those who just came up to give one) were something like:
groom's side: brother/best man, dad, groomsmen
bride's side: dad, family friend, aunt. 
While they were equal for each side, that just turned out to be a coincidence and I don't think anyone noticed that the groom had two people from the wedding party give speeches and I had none. 
Is there anyone else who might want to give a speech? But really, unless your FI has like five speeches from his side and you have none, itll be a non issue 

charlotte989875

semistressfreebride said:

To preface - I was MOH in my friend's wedding and it was just assumed that I would be making a speech at her wedding, which I did. I don't remember ever asking her to do this.  As silly as it may sound to a lot of you, I was under the impression that was a "role" that the MOH undertakes; making a speech on behalf of the bride. 

I had written a post about my issue(ssssss) with my FSIL/MOH (asked to be MOH prior to us having issues that have not been resolved), and was THRILLED and felt incredibly empowered when so many of you said that in no way, shape, or form is the MOH required to make a speech. 

My question is two-fold:

a.) What do I do/how do I handle it if my FSIL/MOH expects that she is making a speech and never brings it up, but assumes. Do I broach the subject and say, "Sorry, I don't want you making a speech on my behalf" (in a more eloquent way), or is it normal for a MOH to ask the bride if they can make one?

b.) Have any of you NOT had a speech made on your behalf? FI is having his BM (his bro) make one, and potentially his best friend as well. I guess part of me is a bit self conscious if two people make speeches for him, and no one makes one for me (though I'm sure our guests would be thrilled!).

I know it's not a pissing contest, I'm just curious as to all of your experiences regarding speeches/who made them/what your expectation was involving them. 

Thanks, all! 

Question a; just wait until she offers or asks. If you bring it up I don't think there's anyway for it to come off other than you telling her outright you don't want her doing it. Just wait and see if she asks/mentions it then answer that you'd prefer not to have anyone make a toast/speech on your behalf and the BM will be the only one. You don't need to give her a reason why, just tell her you'd rather not have anyone do that for you. 

Question b; you definitely don't need to have anyone make a toast for you regardless of who makes on for your FI. People might wonder why there are two toasts for the groom, but so what? It's the same length of time (hopefully short!) if there are two for him and none for you as if you each had one. Now if there are anymore (parents, FILs, etc. ) be aware that long speeches get tedious for your guests so just keep that in mind when deciding who to take up on their offer of giving w toast. 

kvruns

We asked the MOH and Best Man if they wanted to but said they were not required. They said yes and then after Best Man did his instead of passing the mic down the other groomsman decided to speak which then made the other bridesmaid feel like she had to since she would otherwise be the only one not speaking. It was a little weird, we had no idea GM was going to say anything.

No one has to do any speeches, I do think it would be a little weird if he had 2 and you had 0 but everyone will forget by the next day so who cares.

edit: fixed MOH, not MOG!

bohobride10

charlotte989875 said:

semistressfreebride said:

To preface - I was MOH in my friend's wedding and it was just assumed that I would be making a speech at her wedding, which I did. I don't remember ever asking her to do this.  As silly as it may sound to a lot of you, I was under the impression that was a "role" that the MOH undertakes; making a speech on behalf of the bride. 

I had written a post about my issue(ssssss) with my FSIL/MOH (asked to be MOH prior to us having issues that have not been resolved), and was THRILLED and felt incredibly empowered when so many of you said that in no way, shape, or form is the MOH required to make a speech. 

My question is two-fold:

a.) What do I do/how do I handle it if my FSIL/MOH expects that she is making a speech and never brings it up, but assumes. Do I broach the subject and say, "Sorry, I don't want you making a speech on my behalf" (in a more eloquent way), or is it normal for a MOH to ask the bride if they can make one?

b.) Have any of you NOT had a speech made on your behalf? FI is having his BM (his bro) make one, and potentially his best friend as well. I guess part of me is a bit self conscious if two people make speeches for him, and no one makes one for me (though I'm sure our guests would be thrilled!).

I know it's not a pissing contest, I'm just curious as to all of your experiences regarding speeches/who made them/what your expectation was involving them. 

Thanks, all! 

Question a; just wait until she offers or asks. If you bring it up I don't think there's anyway for it to come off other than you telling her outright you don't want her doing it. Just wait and see if she asks/mentions it then answer that you'd prefer not to have anyone make a toast/speech on your behalf and the BM will be the only one. You don't need to give her a reason why, just tell her you'd rather not have anyone do that for you. 

Question b; you definitely don't need to have anyone make a toast for you regardless of who makes on for your FI. People might wonder why there are two toasts for the groom, but so what? It's the same length of time (hopefully short!) if there are two for him and none for you as if you each had one. Now if there are anymore (parents, FILs, etc. ) be aware that long speeches get tedious for your guests so just keep that in mind when deciding who to take up on their offer of giving w toast. 

What if she never offers or asks? That's my biggest thing, and even FI said that he thinks she assumes she WILL make one, no conversation about it. I like your potential responses if it does come up, I just think she's planning on it whether we have a conversation or not. 

Okay, perfect! Yes to short - while I appreciate speeches, I think too long is bad news, too many is bad news, and more dancing is always a plus  

Thank you for the advice!

bohobride10

Ironring said:

When I married my ex quite a few years ago, before the wedding my MOH said that she hated speaking in public and didn't want to make one. We also had a bunch of people make speeches who weren't asked ahead of time. So I think the speeches (those asked beforehand and those who just came up to give one) were something like:
groom's side: brother/best man, dad, groomsmen
bride's side: dad, family friend, aunt. 
While they were equal for each side, that just turned out to be a coincidence and I don't think anyone noticed that the groom had two people from the wedding party give speeches and I had none. 
Is there anyone else who might want to give a speech? But really, unless your FI has like five speeches from his side and you have none, itll be a non issue 

I've tried to gauge how the different BP members feel about it - one of them told me she has an extreme fear of public speaking and has no intention of giving a speech at her own sister's wedding so I'd NEVER want to push someone out of their comfort zone. 

My best friend (who is not my MOH) would be the perfect choice, but she is going through a lot right now - to the point that I still don't know if she'll actually show up on the day of the wedding. It's a bummer on a selfish note, but I completely understand that my BP doesn't revolve their lives around my wedding (and they shouldn't). 

So we'll see - I have become friends with FI's best friend, so I'm sure he'll say some nice things about me (while roasting FI), so who knows. 

It sounds like you had a nice balance though, and I appreciate the info. Thank you!

bohobride10

kvruns said:

We asked the MOH and Best Man if they wanted to but said they were not required. They said yes and then after Best Man did his instead of passing the mic down the other groomsman decided to speak which then made the other bridesmaid feel like she had to since she would otherwise be the only one not speaking. It was a little weird, we had no idea GM was going to say anything.

No one has to do any speeches, I do think it would be a little weird if he had 2 and you had 0 but everyone will forget by the next day so who cares.

edit: fixed MOH, not MOG!

I think it's sweet you asked them instead of just assuming. It's also sweet the GM wanted to speak on your behalf, but I totally understand others then feeling that they had to as well.

The thing is (and I am probably going to sound horrific) - I don't want to ask her if she's planning on making a speech because I don't want her to make one; as in, I don't want to say "Did you want to make a speech?" Have her say "Yes," and then be stuck with it.
It's a long story, but she has proved she has zero of my best interests at heart (beyond just the wedding) and wants the spotlight at all times, has said very nasty things about me (after being selected as MOH, go figure), so I don't want her to have the ability to detract from the day in any capacity. 

Tyvm

semistressfreebride said:

kvruns said:

We asked the MOH and Best Man if they wanted to but said they were not required. They said yes and then after Best Man did his instead of passing the mic down the other groomsman decided to speak which then made the other bridesmaid feel like she had to since she would otherwise be the only one not speaking. It was a little weird, we had no idea GM was going to say anything.

No one has to do any speeches, I do think it would be a little weird if he had 2 and you had 0 but everyone will forget by the next day so who cares.

edit: fixed MOH, not MOG!

I think it's sweet you asked them instead of just assuming. It's also sweet the GM wanted to speak on your behalf, but I totally understand others then feeling that they had to as well.

The thing is (and I am probably going to sound horrific) - I don't want to ask her if she's planning on making a speech because I don't want her to make one; as in, I don't want to say "Did you want to make a speech?" Have her say "Yes," and then be stuck with it.
It's a long story, but she has proved she has zero of my best interests at heart (beyond just the wedding) and wants the spotlight at all times, has said very nasty things about me (after being selected as MOH, go figure), so I don't want her to have the ability to detract from the day in any capacity. 

I've read your other thread, and somewhat understand your predicament with the AW/narcissistic MOH sudden-turn-of-events. Is it possible for you to get anyone to give a toast on your behalf? Preferably ~2 people, and then mention in passing to MOH that you've got 2 people on your side (parents, a close aunt, longtime family friend, childhood friend, cousin, male or female), and 2 people on the groom's side and that you've hit a maximum number of toasts? Heck, even just one on each side could work. "Yay! So-and-so is giving a toast during dinner. I'm so happy, and now we've maxed out on toast-givings!"

Alternatively, we could all be really naive and optimistic and believe that she might still turn it all around? Maybe?

donethat

Because you feel so strongly, don't leave it to chance.  Bring it up now.  One way would be to say something like  "we're planning our timeline for the reception, and to keep things moving along, we're going to have (best man) say a short toast (or welcome or speech - whatever YOUR words are), but we're not going to have any other speeches.  We don't want you to have to worry about preparing anything. I think the guests will LOVE that we keep things moving, don't you?"  And then, make sure your DJ or MC or whoever is in charge of the microphone knows that ONLY the people/person on the timeline will have access to the mic.  Absolutely NO Mic Giving.  

Tyvm

donethat said:

Because you feel so strongly, don't leave it to chance.  Bring it up now.  One way would be to say something like  "we're planning our timeline for the reception, and to keep things moving along, we're going to have (best man) say a short toast (or welcome or speech - whatever YOUR words are), but we're not going to have any other speeches.  We don't want you to have to worry about preparing anything. I think the guests will LOVE that we keep things moving, don't you?"  And then, make sure your DJ or MC or whoever is in charge of the microphone knows that ONLY the people/person on the timeline will have access to the mic.  Absolutely NO Mic Giving.  

Just here to super concur with @donethat . The wording there is fantastic.

SP29

When I got married, I really didn't know how to handle all of this either, so we asked our WP/ parents, "Would anyone like to make a toast?" Best man, groomsman and MOH said yes, bridesmaid said no (and I said Ok cool!). My dad and MIL also gave toasts. We then told everyone "2 minutes or less please!".

I didn't find the toasts to be particularly one sided. GM is also a good friend of mine so his was pretty "even". Best Man did share a funny anecdote about DH, but the rest was more about us as a couple and the future. MOH shared and anecdote about both myself and DH. Thus, I wouldn't worry about your FI having more people on "his" side speak vs. yours.

I will also agree with @donethat, since I realize your situation is much different than mine. Figure out one or two toasts and smoothly let her know that is all that will be happening. I agree about tell your DJ that no one is to take the mic except for X,Y,Z.

charlotte989875

semistressfreebride said:

charlotte989875 said:

semistressfreebride said:

To preface - I was MOH in my friend's wedding and it was just assumed that I would be making a speech at her wedding, which I did. I don't remember ever asking her to do this.  As silly as it may sound to a lot of you, I was under the impression that was a "role" that the MOH undertakes; making a speech on behalf of the bride. 

I had written a post about my issue(ssssss) with my FSIL/MOH (asked to be MOH prior to us having issues that have not been resolved), and was THRILLED and felt incredibly empowered when so many of you said that in no way, shape, or form is the MOH required to make a speech. 

My question is two-fold:

a.) What do I do/how do I handle it if my FSIL/MOH expects that she is making a speech and never brings it up, but assumes. Do I broach the subject and say, "Sorry, I don't want you making a speech on my behalf" (in a more eloquent way), or is it normal for a MOH to ask the bride if they can make one?

b.) Have any of you NOT had a speech made on your behalf? FI is having his BM (his bro) make one, and potentially his best friend as well. I guess part of me is a bit self conscious if two people make speeches for him, and no one makes one for me (though I'm sure our guests would be thrilled!).

I know it's not a pissing contest, I'm just curious as to all of your experiences regarding speeches/who made them/what your expectation was involving them. 

Thanks, all! 

Question a; just wait until she offers or asks. If you bring it up I don't think there's anyway for it to come off other than you telling her outright you don't want her doing it. Just wait and see if she asks/mentions it then answer that you'd prefer not to have anyone make a toast/speech on your behalf and the BM will be the only one. You don't need to give her a reason why, just tell her you'd rather not have anyone do that for you. 

Question b; you definitely don't need to have anyone make a toast for you regardless of who makes on for your FI. People might wonder why there are two toasts for the groom, but so what? It's the same length of time (hopefully short!) if there are two for him and none for you as if you each had one. Now if there are anymore (parents, FILs, etc. ) be aware that long speeches get tedious for your guests so just keep that in mind when deciding who to take up on their offer of giving w toast. 

What if she never offers or asks? That's my biggest thing, and even FI said that he thinks she assumes she WILL make one, no conversation about it. I like your potential responses if it does come up, I just think she's planning on it whether we have a conversation or not. 

Okay, perfect! Yes to short - while I appreciate speeches, I think too long is bad news, too many is bad news, and more dancing is always a plus  

Thank you for the advice!

More dancing is always good! I think it you're really worried she's planning on and want to bring it up @donethat has great wording. That way it's taken care of a head of time. 

If you're on the fence about bringing it up to her the other option would be to just tell your DJ (or whomever you have running the evening, band, coordinator, etc. ) that the only toasts will be from the BM and the GM. No one else gets the mic. That way once they are done, the DJ can just move on. 

bohobride10

Tyvm said:

donethat said:

Because you feel so strongly, don't leave it to chance.  Bring it up now.  One way would be to say something like  "we're planning our timeline for the reception, and to keep things moving along, we're going to have (best man) say a short toast (or welcome or speech - whatever YOUR words are), but we're not going to have any other speeches.  We don't want you to have to worry about preparing anything. I think the guests will LOVE that we keep things moving, don't you?"  And then, make sure your DJ or MC or whoever is in charge of the microphone knows that ONLY the people/person on the timeline will have access to the mic.  Absolutely NO Mic Giving.  

Just here to super concur with @donethat . The wording there is fantastic.

I LOVE THIS. Love, love, love. 
Stealing it - I cannot even tell you the weight you have lifted. Thank you x100000. 

bohobride10

charlotte989875 said:

semistressfreebride said:

charlotte989875 said:

semistressfreebride said:

To preface - I was MOH in my friend's wedding and it was just assumed that I would be making a speech at her wedding, which I did. I don't remember ever asking her to do this.  As silly as it may sound to a lot of you, I was under the impression that was a "role" that the MOH undertakes; making a speech on behalf of the bride. 

I had written a post about my issue(ssssss) with my FSIL/MOH (asked to be MOH prior to us having issues that have not been resolved), and was THRILLED and felt incredibly empowered when so many of you said that in no way, shape, or form is the MOH required to make a speech. 

My question is two-fold:

a.) What do I do/how do I handle it if my FSIL/MOH expects that she is making a speech and never brings it up, but assumes. Do I broach the subject and say, "Sorry, I don't want you making a speech on my behalf" (in a more eloquent way), or is it normal for a MOH to ask the bride if they can make one?

b.) Have any of you NOT had a speech made on your behalf? FI is having his BM (his bro) make one, and potentially his best friend as well. I guess part of me is a bit self conscious if two people make speeches for him, and no one makes one for me (though I'm sure our guests would be thrilled!).

I know it's not a pissing contest, I'm just curious as to all of your experiences regarding speeches/who made them/what your expectation was involving them. 

Thanks, all! 

Question a; just wait until she offers or asks. If you bring it up I don't think there's anyway for it to come off other than you telling her outright you don't want her doing it. Just wait and see if she asks/mentions it then answer that you'd prefer not to have anyone make a toast/speech on your behalf and the BM will be the only one. You don't need to give her a reason why, just tell her you'd rather not have anyone do that for you. 

Question b; you definitely don't need to have anyone make a toast for you regardless of who makes on for your FI. People might wonder why there are two toasts for the groom, but so what? It's the same length of time (hopefully short!) if there are two for him and none for you as if you each had one. Now if there are anymore (parents, FILs, etc. ) be aware that long speeches get tedious for your guests so just keep that in mind when deciding who to take up on their offer of giving w toast. 

What if she never offers or asks? That's my biggest thing, and even FI said that he thinks she assumes she WILL make one, no conversation about it. I like your potential responses if it does come up, I just think she's planning on it whether we have a conversation or not. 

Okay, perfect! Yes to short - while I appreciate speeches, I think too long is bad news, too many is bad news, and more dancing is always a plus  

Thank you for the advice!

More dancing is always good! I think it you're really worried she's planning on and want to bring it up @donethat has great wording. That way it's taken care of a head of time. 

If you're on the fence about bringing it up to her the other option would be to just tell your DJ (or whomever you have running the evening, band, coordinator, etc. ) that the only toasts will be from the BM and the GM. No one else gets the mic. That way once they are done, the DJ can just move on. 

Will absolutely speak to the DJ about that - awesome advice and love the organic "move along" approach that gives the DJ that power.
Thank you for an awesome response! 
Also - @donethat I'm still singing your praises!