Just Engaged and Proposals

Can't decide on a wedding date

So me and FI got engaged last year but always had the plan that we were going to wait until I finished nursing school and then get married in 2017.

We recently found our wedding venue (Yay!) and decided early on we want to do it on our 5th anniversary in june, unfortunately they don't do any weddings in that week. It's upsetting but it's out of our control and nothing we can do about it so we're moving on and finding a new date. 

Our issue is I still want 2017 but we're also planning on buying a house next year and FMIL keeps saying it's a blessing in disguise so that we can buy a house next year and marry the year after and FI is now really worried about money and wants to push the wedding back. I understand that this is going to be expensive but we've already been saving for over a year and have our initial wedding budget already saved and have a decent start in our house fund so we're really fortunate in that aspect.

I'm just frustrated as I don't really want to be engaged for over 3 years and don't really see why we need to be but I do understand FI's view and his family are very vocal in that they think we should wait till 2018. How did you all come to a decision about what Date/ year you and FI chose? Thank you!

Re: Can't decide on a wedding date

  • The venue opened their calendar book and we pointed to an open weekend.  We did not think about it at all.  The only significance we attributed to that date was that it will forever and always be our wedding anniversary.

    We could have picked a date like the day we met, the day we got engaged, the anniversary of when we started dating, etc.  But rather than assign an added, larger significance to any of those dates, we chose to focus on a completely new date, separate from all the rest, so that we can look forwards instead of backwards.
    That's really sweet and simple! I think I'm probably just thinking about it too much, we need to agree on what year then just choose any date that works for us and leave It at that, thank you!
    OurWildKingdom
  • Buying a house and getting married are both important but WAY different.Does he think by waiting he will have more saved? Or is he just uncomfortable with the budget and the idea of spending so much on a party for one day?

    IMO Particular dates are not for me- there's no way I would extend an engagement an extra yer for that. But it doesn't seem like thats the true issue for you guys waiting....

    Does FI want to delay getting married because of what HE wants or because of what his Mom wants? This could be a slippery slope.


    Knottie1452098987OurWildKingdom
  • lnixon8 said:
    Buying a house and getting married are both important but WAY different.Does he think by waiting he will have more saved? Or is he just uncomfortable with the budget and the idea of spending so much on a party for one day?

    IMO Particular dates are not for me- there's no way I would extend an engagement an extra yer for that. But it doesn't seem like thats the true issue for you guys waiting....

    Does FI want to delay getting married because of what HE wants or because of what his Mom wants? This could be a slippery slope.
    He's basically worried about having two large outgoings so close together and doesn't want to be struggling for money, even though we already have our decided upon budget saved. He feels that everything will end up costing more than we expect it to, which it probably will but we are still saving in case this happens and I'm definitely a bargain hunter haha!

    Also our venue won't be able to do the date that we want until 2019 at the earliest, and I am not waiting that long!

    These are all valid and practical points which I completely get, my issue is he didn't start having these thoughts until FMIL started talking about moving the wedding back till 2018... 
  • atomicblondeatomicblonde The Shire
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    member
    FWIW, we bought a house six months before our wedding, and while it was an added expense, we have no regrets.  The two purchases were mutually exclusive.  The wedding budget didn't eat into the house budget, nor vice versa.  But we also stayed within budget and did not look at any houses that pushed the upper envelope of the loan we wanted, which was a significantly smaller number than what the bank gave us when we pre-qualified.

    This is a good point that I completely missed, and it sounds like @lnixon8 ;hit the money spot on.  You and your FI probably need to have a talk about priorities and what's really going on in his head/what his concerns and fears are.  Hopefully FMIL isn't driving anything here.  Be a team.  His desire to push the wedding back will affect you, and you both need to be 100% on board with these decisions.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    kimmiinthemittenSP29
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    member
    For what it's worth... when it comes to stress levels, I think planning a wedding is far, faaar easier than buying a house. On that note alone, I wouldn't want to be trying to do both at the same time! 
    So then, what's more important to each of you? Being married, with the legal and emotional benefits of that, or having a house to share (and presumably stop renting or move out of others' homes, whatever your situation is). 

    We were both in grad school when we got engaged and I finished a few months after him, so we planned our date for the month after I graduated. The plan was to save for another year and buy a new place together, which we have since done. 

    I also agree that having two huge outlays of cash at the same time is stressful. It can be done, absolutely, by psychologically seeing that much money going out the door at one time... ugh. 

    Talk to each other. Not to his mom/family. 
    ________________________________


  • levioosalevioosa Southern California
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Figure out what you and FI want, without anyone else's input.  Communicate about his concerns, finances, and whether or not a wedding is feasible next year.  Give up the dating anniversary date.  You are making a new memorable date.  Pick the date that works for you, your VIPs, and your budget.  

    You and FI need to come at this as a united front.  If you decide to do both things in the same year, calmly tell others that the subject is closed to discussion if they give you grief. 


    image
    kimmiinthemittencharlotte989875
  • I've mentioned to FI that I think we need to talk about it this weekend just me and him if we're going to get anywhere and talk through everything and figure out a timeline that works for us and what we're thinking. Our decisions will affect us way more than his family at the end of the day so hopefully we'll come out with some kind of agreement by the end of it! Thank you 
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    @knottie#s I'm glad you're talking this weekend. My FI and I had originally talked about marrying in 2015 and decided instead to buy a house and marry in 2016. it can be stressful, but not impossible if you're diligent. 

    If you're willing to be flexible on June 5, shoot for the weekend after as long as it's feasible for your VIPs.
    image
    CraftyG
  • I appreciate the sentiment behind celebrating on a special date. We are getting married on our dating anniversary which was important for us because we will have been together for 8 years on our wedding day. However, it worked for us because it is falling on a weekday which is better for most of our guests (100% of our VIPs) who work shift work and would have found it more difficult to get a weekend off. We only have 2 guests that are not local and both of those non-local guests are retired and coming for their usual Thanksgiving visit that will happen before and after the wedding. It also worked for the venue we wanted as we wouldn't have been able to rent out the entire restaurant on a weekend if we weren't willing to spend double to cover the regular patrons and turning of the tables x 2.5 that the restaurant normally does on a weekend.

    It sounds like you are smart to have a discussion with FI about your needs and wants and leave FI's family out of it. Provided you are hosting your guests properly and considering your guests needs as front and center, I think you are within your right to choose any date you want.

    FWIW - we are renovating a house and buying a house, planning several large trips and a family reunion all during the time since we been engaged and planning our wedding. It has helped that we are keeping our wedding very small and simple and generally FI is the least stressed person I know. I'm a bundle of stress but I find planning and organizing not very stressful and actually helps me to distress.

  • CraftyGCraftyG
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited June 2016
    @knottie#s I'm glad you're talking this weekend. My FI and I had originally talked about marrying in 2015 and decided instead to buy a house and marry in 2016. it can be stressful, but not impossible if you're diligent.

    -Sorry quotes going all wrong

    We did have a talk but didn't make a final decision, our priorities go house - wedding - children so we're on the same page but slightly different time frames!

    We agreed that next year's focus will be a house and we're going to wait to book our venue until the end of summer depending on how job interviews/ living situations go. So we're still unsure if it's going to be next year or the year after but hopefully we'll have that set in stone soon!

    Thank you for all the advice!
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