Guest invited herself, I felt bad, now she's invited!?

[Deleted User]

I have this girl I went to college with who always just happened to be in the same place at the same time as me (same classes, same floor, same study trip, same hometown, et al). She has a touch of Aspberger's and other various mental health issues, where she doesn't pick up on social cues but she's aware enough of what's going on, so I've always been kind to her. She's taken that kindness as best friendship.

She'd message me constantly, and I'd reply once or twice a month. We'd meet up even less than that (per her request) and have the same conversation over and over. This last time she told me how excited she was about me getting married, and how she felt like she was a part of the whole thing (she and I and my fiance went to school together), and how I was her only and very best friend, and how she can't wait for the wedding...then she invited herself. And for whatever reason, I didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't invited. Because what're you supposed to tell someone like that - OH, ACTUALLY, WE'VE NEVER BEEN FRIENDS, I'M JUST BEING NICE"? 

So I sent her a save-the-date, because I said I would, which I regret doing.

At first, it wasn't that big of a deal. Then she started getting really stalker-y: she messages me 4-5 times a day, she's been going to local places she knows I go to and asking about me, and she's trying to get information from other friends and even finding out who my family is. She thinks I'm hosting a "school reunion" even though I've explained to her time and again it's a wedding, so not everyone we know will be invited and that it's not about that.

Now I'm at the point where I don't want her at the wedding. I've avoided her and haven't replied to her in over two months. I can't handle her neediness, plus my MIL and the family issues, plus wedding planning/DIY-ing, transitioning jobs, AND figuring out moving cross-country after being married! I've tried explaining to her, but she just doesn't get it! 

My videographer and several other friends involved in planning (who also went to school with us) don't want her there because she'll follow them around or get in the way of filming. I'm a little concerned she's going to follow me or my fiance around all night as the hosts! My family and bridal party say I shouldn't invite her. However, my fiance says it's not a big deal and that I should.

We're sending out invitations next week. Any thoughts? 

redwoodoriginal

Two options

1.  Invite her, and offer her a plus one so she has someone else to hang out with that probably knows her and will be better at reigning her in from following you around all night. 

2. Don't invite her, end the friendship. 

Why on on earth you sent her an std when you didn't want her there to begin with is beyond me. I get that you've been thrown into this friendship as a result of being nice / almost an obligation bc you sound like a nice person, but, I feel like you're stuck, for lack of a better word, inviting her. 

wmam35

I think inviting her with a plus one is your best option.  If you don't send her an invitation it sounds like it's just going to get worse.  Hopefully if you're inviting enough people you'll be able to avoid her anyway. 

Would you be able to sit down with her or call her a few days before the wedding and somehow tell her that you'll be really busy and might not be able to spend very much time with her that day?  I'm not sure how you'd be able to work it organically into a conversation though because I'm not really good at that But if she at least has some kind of heads up that can help prepare her for the day and make you feel a little less stressed about it.

ShesSoCold

I certainly hope your wedding isn't in a park. 

JediElizabeth

darlingmiss27 said:

I have this girl I went to college with who always just happened to be in the same place at the same time as me (same classes, same floor, same study trip, same hometown, et al). She has a touch of Aspberger's and other various mental health issues, where she doesn't pick up on social cues but she's aware enough of what's going on, so I've always been kind to her. She's taken that kindness as best friendship.

She'd message me constantly, and I'd reply once or twice a month. We'd meet up even less than that (per her request) and have the same conversation over and over. This last time she told me how excited she was about me getting married, and how she felt like she was a part of the whole thing (she and I and my fiance went to school together), and how I was her only and very best friend, and how she can't wait for the wedding...then she invited herself. And for whatever reason, I didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't invited. Because what're you supposed to tell someone like that - OH, ACTUALLY, WE'VE NEVER BEEN FRIENDS, I'M JUST BEING NICE"? 

So I sent her a save-the-date, because I said I would, which I regret doing.

At first, it wasn't that big of a deal. Then she started getting really stalker-y: she messages me 4-5 times a day, she's been going to local places she knows I go to and asking about me, and she's trying to get information from other friends and even finding out who my family is. She thinks I'm hosting a "school reunion" even though I've explained to her time and again it's a wedding, so not everyone we know will be invited and that it's not about that.

Now I'm at the point where I don't want her at the wedding. I've avoided her and haven't replied to her in over two months. I can't handle her neediness, plus my MIL and the family issues, plus wedding planning/DIY-ing, transitioning jobs, AND figuring out moving cross-country after being married! I've tried explaining to her, but she just doesn't get it! 

My videographer and several other friends involved in planning (who also went to school with us) don't want her there because she'll follow them around or get in the way of filming. I'm a little concerned she's going to follow me or my fiance around all night as the hosts! My family and bridal party say I shouldn't invite her. However, my fiance says it's not a big deal and that I should.

We're sending out invitations next week. Any thoughts? 

From what I've bolded( and underlined) it sounds like you don't like or respect this person; you pity her. And you've done her the disservice of sending her clear social cues that you are friends when (given what you've said here) it seems like she has trouble interpreting social cues to begin with. 

There's no changing the past, but I hope you learn a lesson from that alone. 

I would invite her, because you've sent a save the date and burning bridges like that after pretending to be a good friend is just rude behavior piled on top of poor decisions. I would also work on telling her clearly but nicely when her actions are out of line. Treat her with honesty and respect, as you would any other friend, or don't be friends with her at all. 

missfrodo

I don't have much to say other than what PPs have said, but my brother has Asberger's and I worked with a guy that had it.  I know it can manifest itself differently in girls (I also have a friend who's been diagnosed, but she's extremely high-functioning, mostly dealing with social anxiety).  What the mother of the man I worked with said, basically, was to tell him straight-out when he was being inappropriate and what was inappropriate, because he wouldn't understand from our social signals.  My brother is the same way: He acts incredibly rude, and doesn't know when to stop talking, so you either have to deal with it (what I normally do) or tell him to his face that he's being out of line.  You can try to cut the "friendship" with her entirely, especially since you'll be moving cross-country and won't have to see her anymore after this, but the polite thing to do would be send her an invitation to your wedding and tell your vendors to politely but firmly shut her down if she is getting in the way of them doing their jobs.  They may have to be extremely firm with her, if she's anything like my brother!

CaitFins

Honestly, I think it's unfair to her that you have continued to socialize like this with her, despite you yourself saying you're not friends with her. Like JediElizabeth said, you don't sound like you like or respect her, either. My sister has Asperger's. Even I would probably confuse your interactions as a decent friendship, considering you meet up with her and everything. You have not been helping her or being kind to her by pretending you have a legitimate relationship with her. She sounds nice enough to be able to meet people who would treat her with dignity, and honestly, even having no friends at all is better than having the kind of fake friendship you've facilitated. 

At this point, particularly since you sent her a save the date, for goodness sakes!, I would send her an invite with a guest. You can at least treat her with the etiquette we all receive - that you invite anyone to whom you send a STD.

I agree with missfrodo on how to deal with any potential complications at the wedding, although I would keep a positive outlook and not worry about such things. Give her the benefit of the doubt, for the most part.

missfrodo said:

I don't have much to say other than what PPs have said, but my brother has Asberger's and I worked with a guy that had it.  I know it can manifest itself differently in girls (I also have a friend who's been diagnosed, but she's extremely high-functioning, mostly dealing with social anxiety).  What the mother of the man I worked with said, basically, was to tell him straight-out when he was being inappropriate and what was inappropriate, because he wouldn't understand from our social signals.  My brother is the same way: He acts incredibly rude, and doesn't know when to stop talking, so you either have to deal with it (what I normally do) or tell him to his face that he's being out of line.  You can try to cut the "friendship" with her entirely, especially since you'll be moving cross-country and won't have to see her anymore after this, but the polite thing to do would be send her an invitation to your wedding and tell your vendors to politely but firmly shut her down if she is getting in the way of them doing their jobs.  They may have to be extremely firm with her, if she's anything like my brother!

After the wedding, assuming your feelings regarding her have not improved, fade away the "friendship" you've created. Don't keep meeting up with her. Outside of work relationships, really, who does this, particularly repeatedly, when they're not friends? If you're moving away, perhaps this will occur more naturally with time and distance.

LondonLisa

The thing is, you already have invited her. Even someone without social issues would be confused by being sent a STD and no invitation.

You really haven't been fair to this person at all. Every action you have given her is that you are friends. It's not her fault she is taking this to another level when you haven't been clear or direct about your intentions. 

If you don't want her there, you need to (in person) end your friendship and make it clear she is not invited.

I think it would be nicer to have a non-confrontational, direct talk with her about boundaries and what you would like to see to have your friendship continue (such as, I know you get excited but please don't call 5 times a day. Here is my email, maybe save up your thoughts and write them out to me once a day maximum.)

Honestly, you have completely lead her on. If you don't get anything out of it, why fake it? Would you want to be pitied? You have pretended to be friends with a challenged person and now, without warning, you want to pull the rug out. Seems a bit cruel 

downtondiva

Whatever your friends may say, it's too late not to invite her. I think giving her a plus one is a good idea; if that doesn't work, is there anyone else she'll know at the wedding who can keep her occupied so she doesn't stick to you the entire time? 

I understand that it is very difficult dealing with a needy person who thinks you're better friends than you are. However, you have allowed this to go on for a long time, and if she does have social and mental health difficulties, it's not surprising that she would assume that you are closer than you are. While I do think you need to talk to her about her stalker-like behavior and set some boundaries, I don't think you can abruptly tell her she's not invited to the wedding and end this relationship without causing some serious hurt. If you really didn't want her in your life, you either should've done something about it a long time ago, or you need to wait until after the wedding. This is not the time.

SP29

Invite her with a guest. Fizzle the relationship out after.

kimmiinthemitten

Pretending to be friends with someone with a disability to placate them isn't kind, it's cruel. 

Despite her inability to behave the way society deems as 'normal', she has invested a lot into your friendship and is clearly excited for your wedding. How would you feel if someone you considered a friend and felt genuine happiness for told you out of the blue "I actually don't like you, and it's because of something you have no control over."

Invite her with a plus one and then ease yourself out of her life. She's better off without "friends" like you in her life. 

mntravelingmama

As others said, you've already invited her.  To not send her an invitation at this point would be particularly cruel. 

ernursej

I have family members with Asperger's and every person is a bit different. I would say that generally, social cues are not easily understood and boundaries are often fuzzy.

Since you've sent her a STD, I would invite her with a plus one and then make sure to let her know that you can't spend all your time with her but look forward to seeing her there. If you are worried about stalking, I would draw clear boundaries with her at the time when things start to get out of hand.

Unfortunately, you've let this relationship continue despite your dislike and the cues you've provided = friendship to me. Enjoy your wedding with her in attendance and then know that the friendship will likely fizzle out when you move and put in boundaries.

lembaslover

I had a pretty similar situation OP. I had a friend in HS who had Asperger's and I wasn't really pitying him, I did enjoy his company, and I was friendly to him. But then it started getting to the point where he was stalking me and it was really scary. He would show up to my classes and be waiting at my bus stop (when he lived pretty far away). Then he started to keep trying to hug me and pet my hair and stuff and it was too much. It got really scary and stressful for me. I didn't realize he had Asperger's at the time nor did I understand what it was so I ended up going to the school counselor who set up a meeting with my friend and I where he explained first to me what Asperger's was and then kind of facilitated the talk we had so we could draw boundaries on what was acceptable and what wasn't and now we are still friends and it is ok. He didn't realize what he was doing and I didn't realize what I was doing to lead him to think I thought it was ok.

Obviously your situation is a bit different as you're both adults so I agree with PP I think you should wait until after the wedding and then have a heart to heart with this girl. Tell her what makes you uncomfortable and ask that she stops. Ask her what you're doing to make her think you're ok with her behavior and then you stop doing that. Even when dealing with something like Asperger's it's rarely a 1 way street. You are clearly doing things too that make her think you are close friends and you need to correct your behavior as well.

MesmrEwe

Reading this I kind of feel sorry for her too - but mainly because you couldn't just come out and tell her (The fact you know she has Aspies says she trusted you enough to know she needs more direct communications from the get-go).  Boundaries are very important things, and people wonder why those with special needs are so isolated, it's because pity is not a friendship and they've been burned enough times by people they thought were their real friends.  If you're planning to end the friendship, may as well do it before she invests time and money into "the perfect" wedding gift for you.  She considered your friendship to be incredibly valuable, however misguided, and was excited for your wedding because it probably was one of the few non-family ones she'd ever be invited to.  For the future, if you don't like someone, especially someone with a special need, don't string them along "as-if" you do.  They lived life before you, they'll live life after...  Life's too short for fake friends, do her a favor, out hers!

JediElizabeth

MesmrEwe said:

Reading this I kind of feel sorry for her too - but mainly because you couldn't just come out and tell her (The fact you know she has Aspies says she trusted you enough to know she needs more direct communications from the get-go).  Boundaries are very important things, and people wonder why those with special needs are so isolated, it's because pity is not a friendship and they've been burned enough times by people they thought were their real friends.  If you're planning to end the friendship, may as well do it before she invests time and money into "the perfect" wedding gift for you.  She considered your friendship to be incredibly valuable, however misguided, and was excited for your wedding because it probably was one of the few non-family ones she'd ever be invited to.  For the future, if you don't like someone, especially someone with a special need, don't string them along "as-if" you do.  They lived life before you, they'll live life after...  Life's too short for fake friends, do her a favor, out hers!

Off topic, but....Is this an ok term now? People have always told me it's really not an ok thing to say, but the first 4 Google results of "is aspie offensive" are pretty chill about it.

Huh?

ernursej

JediElizabeth said:

MesmrEwe said:

Reading this I kind of feel sorry for her too - but mainly because you couldn't just come out and tell her (The fact you know she has Aspies says she trusted you enough to know she needs more direct communications from the get-go).  Boundaries are very important things, and people wonder why those with special needs are so isolated, it's because pity is not a friendship and they've been burned enough times by people they thought were their real friends.  If you're planning to end the friendship, may as well do it before she invests time and money into "the perfect" wedding gift for you.  She considered your friendship to be incredibly valuable, however misguided, and was excited for your wedding because it probably was one of the few non-family ones she'd ever be invited to.  For the future, if you don't like someone, especially someone with a special need, don't string them along "as-if" you do.  They lived life before you, they'll live life after...  Life's too short for fake friends, do her a favor, out hers!

Off topic, but....Is this an ok term now? People have always told me it's really not an ok thing to say, but the first 4 Google results of "is aspie offensive" are pretty chill about it.

Huh?

I think it is a know your crowd thing. My family members that have Asperger's call themselves Aspies, but the rest of the family doesn't refer to them by that term. I might say that I have a cousin with Asperger's.

levioosa

Looks like OP just wanted validation and wasn't expecting to be told she fucked up.  Oops.  No sympathy here (for OP--I think what she said about the girl is super messed up).

MesmrEwe

ernursej said:

JediElizabeth said:

MesmrEwe said:

Reading this I kind of feel sorry for her too - but mainly because you couldn't just come out and tell her (The fact you know she has Aspies says she trusted you enough to know she needs more direct communications from the get-go).  Boundaries are very important things, and people wonder why those with special needs are so isolated, it's because pity is not a friendship and they've been burned enough times by people they thought were their real friends.  If you're planning to end the friendship, may as well do it before she invests time and money into "the perfect" wedding gift for you.  She considered your friendship to be incredibly valuable, however misguided, and was excited for your wedding because it probably was one of the few non-family ones she'd ever be invited to.  For the future, if you don't like someone, especially someone with a special need, don't string them along "as-if" you do.  They lived life before you, they'll live life after...  Life's too short for fake friends, do her a favor, out hers!

Off topic, but....Is this an ok term now? People have always told me it's really not an ok thing to say, but the first 4 Google results of "is aspie offensive" are pretty chill about it.

Huh?

I think it is a know your crowd thing. My family members that have Asperger's call themselves Aspies, but the rest of the family doesn't refer to them by that term. I might say that I have a cousin with Asperger's.

This is what my friends IRL and parents on the SN groups say when they're referring to the group of symptoms in a non-clinical setting.  It takes it from clinical to a more human level.  Sort of like Down's, unless it's meant in a more clinical description of saying "Down's Syndrome" KWIM...  It's an abbreviation, not derogatory term... 

I kind of felt harsh posting in the tone I did to the OP, but I've dealt with so many of these fake friendships from kids at DD's school to some of our who we thought were "life friends" but disappeared the second the family business was sold..  I just don't have a use for that level of fake, especially to the most vulnerable amongst us...