What would you do about FMIL?

Knottie1466018219

So my FI just spoke with her in the phone and told her that this needs to stop or else she won't be allowed in our lives. 10 minutes later we get a phone call from FI's cousin and she tells us that FI's mother just called her crying saying how cruel and unjust we are to her. This stress is getting to me!  I love his cousin and don't want to get her involved. Yet, FMIL continues to involve other people and she's speaking poorly of us to our loved ones. 

Have any of you had similar difficulties with you FMIL or MIL?

crowsgirl15

That was good of him. You tell the cousin that you'd rather not involve her, and that his mother should come to him if there's an issue.

Knottie1466018219

crowsgirl15 said:

That was good of him. You tell the cousin that you'd rather not involve her, and that his mother should come to him if there's an issue.

Thanks for the advice.

JediElizabeth

First of all: it's great that your FI talked to her!

I'm going to make a guess that your FI's family is used to a lot of drama, and tend to tell each other everything - or at least they're used to hearing about it from his mom. They may also have problems with boundaries. From your past posts, it also sounds like you two live far away from at least his parents, if not the rest of his family. Is there a reason he lives a plane ride away from them? Does it have anything to do with this level of drama?

With family, it's important to just tell them "this is between FMIL and us; we don't want to get the family involved, we just want to resolve this issue," or something similar and leave it at that. Don't follow the same patterns as his mother, and don't make it a whole family affair.

I can tell you from experience (with my family, not FI's): they may call you a snob, or say that you're changing him, or other nasty things at first. They're wrong. If he's changing, it's because he's growing into a more autonomous adult instead of taking all his cues from his mother - and everything else is just name calling. Eventually, they're realize that you're not there to hurt anyone, but that you're (colelctively) doing what's right for you and your family.

Knottie1466018219

JediElizabeth said:

First of all: it's great that your FI talked to her!

I'm going to make a guess that your FI's family is used to a lot of drama, and tend to tell each other everything - or at least they're used to hearing about it from his mom. They may also have problems with boundaries. From your past posts, it also sounds like you two live far away from at least his parents, if not the rest of his family. Is there a reason he lives a plane ride away from them? Does it have anything to do with this level of drama?

With family, it's important to just tell them "this is between FMIL and us; we don't want to get the family involved, we just want to resolve this issue," or something similar and leave it at that. Don't follow the same patterns as his mother, and don't make it a whole family affair.

I can tell you from experience (with my family, not FI's): they may call you a snob, or say that you're changing him, or other nasty things at first. They're wrong. If he's changing, it's because he's growing into a more autonomous adult instead of taking all his cues from his mother - and everything else is just name calling. Eventually, they're realize that you're not there to hurt anyone, but that you're (colelctively) doing what's right for you and your family.

I love this!  Thank you, @JediElizabeth !