Declines...

oywiththepoodles

Hi Knotties,
Please tell me if I am being unreasonable or if I need to just take a chill pill here.

We sent out our invites a few weeks ago, and invited about 160 people (including +1s for single guests). As our responses are coming in, we're getting lots of 'yes' responses from family, but almost all declines from our friends (other than bridal party members).

Right now, I'm not even sure if we'll be meeting our venue minimum of 100 guests.

I know this is supposed to be a happy time, but this is all leading me to question a lot of my friendships, and whether we are as close with people as I thought we were. Many of the declines are from out-of-state, but I also get a little sad, because we've attended dozens of out-of-state weddings for these same friends over the last few years. I know it is not apples-to-apples, and that it gets harder to travel as people get older and have their own families, but I can't help but feel a little sad that we really won't have any "groups of friends" at our wedding and that our guest list pretty much entirely consists of family.

(For what it's worth, I love our families and feel so blessed at how excited, involved, etc. they all have been - so maybe I need to not let this bother me, and just focus on the fact that we have families that are so supportive?) 

Is it weird that this is upsetting me so much? I keep second-guessing myself (i.e. wishing we had sent Save the Dates earlier - we sent in Jan for an Aug wedding), and just feeling a little hurt that almost no friends are willing to travel for our wedding, even folks who are always traveling for other reasons.

We've been pretty low-key about most aspects of wedding planning, but this has been bothering me more than I'd like.

JediElizabeth

Looking at your past discussions, it looks like you're not inviting children. Do you have a lot of young families who would have to keep kids at home in order to go to your wedding? If so, I definitely wouldn't take it personally - that was the risk you took when you decided to only invite adults. (I'm doing the same thing, and I worry about the same situation, but in the end I've made my choice.) 

I agree that it's upsetting, but I wouldn't take it as an indicator of the friendship. I'm sure these people would love to make it, but just won't be able to.

Have a nice drink and try to focus on the positives.

MesmrEwe

If you're not inviting kids and these same friends have kids - you knew ahead of time that could happen. 

Now - even if you don't have 100 guests, you'll still be charged as such, NBD.  Just roll with it.  You'll come out ahead and maybe even be able to do some upgrades or pay down some debts with the money "saved" from the budget.  Those that consider your day important enough to attend, and do not have something else going on that same day (know how sometimes it seems like everything gets scheduled that ONE weekend - it happens for your potential guests as well), will be there, be happy for that... 

oywiththepoodles

Surprisingly, the declines are actually mainly coming from folks *without* kids (but who live farther away). The family members / friends who have kids have actually been mostly 'yes' responses....

I think most of the issues stems from the fact that our friends are literally spread across the country. I think we may have had unrealistic expectations about the willingness of young friends to travel for a wedding, but I have to keep trying to remind myself that not everyone chooses to spend their travel/vacation time for weddings... Still made me a little sad, but agree that the best course of action is to pour myself a drink, and remind myself that it will still be a happy day surrounded by FI and our dear family and some of our closest friends.... 

bleve0821

Outside of my brother and parents, not one member of my family attended, and only the friends who were in our wedding party attended. Every single one of them lived within 15 miles of the venue and had no kids.  Out of 116 guests invited, 65 attended.

It stung, a lot, I won't lie, especially the fact that my extended family didn't want to come (want being the operative word). That hurt so much. But it ended up cutting our budget in half, and we had a blast with the people who did come out to celebrate with us.

I also won't lie that I did mope for several days because of how disappointed I was, and how hurt, but after several bottles of wine, I realized that even if no one showed up, I was still marrying my best friend.

And I did! And it was awesome! I don't think we missed for a minute the people who didn't attend.

Everything will be okay. The disappointment is not irrational, but don't let it blind you to the end goal. And don't let it cloud your friendships.

AddieCake

I'm sorry you won't have as many friends there as you'd like. Try not to take it personally. Like you said, people just may not have the availability to take time off for a wedding. Not everyone enjoys them, so many people could be very lukewarm about having to travel out of state to one. 

charlotte989875

I'd be bummed too, and you have the right idea of being sad, having a drink, and focusing on the fact that you'll be married! 

One other perspective; it may not be that there hair unwilling to travel for your wedding, but if you're at the age where you have multiple (sometimes many, many) weddings in a summer travel gets hard, expensive, and exhausting. So it might not be that they don't care or want to be at your wedding, but sometimes it just gets hard to attend a lot of weddings in the same summer and the ones that are farther away are often easier to decline. 

ernursej

You are allowed to feel anything you want. I would take an evening to be pissed off/angry/upset and drink a fabulous bottle of wine/margarita/beer.

I can totally appreciate that you want to celebrate with your friends and it sucks that they won't attend.

thefanciestbeckler

I don't blame you for feeling disappointed. I would feel the same way.

FWIW, two friends who DH and I love dearly got married out of state a couple of months ago and we weren't able to attend. As much as we really, truly wanted to go, we just couldn't get the logistics to work. Their wedding was in Denver, which would have been either a $800/person plane ticket roundtrip, or a 20+ hour drive one way for us. We straight up couldn't afford plane tickets, and had both started new jobs so there was no way to take off work to drive out there (which we honestly would have done if we could have).

All of that to say this, many of those people probably really wanted to come. I know getting declines can feel hurtful, but these people likely wanted to be there and just couldn't make it work.

I hope your wedding day is lovely!

banana468

I'll echo the others.

If you're OOT for people then they may have to weigh the costs.

FWIW, I was really sad to turn down a family friend's wedding this weekend but it would have been over $1000 for just me to attend and that's before I would have sent a gift.

And frankly, if I'm going to spend that kind of money, I'd rather do it to spend real time with her.   We all know that unless you're getting in for days before the wedding, or you're in the wedding, you may talk to the happy couple for all of 10 minutes.   And that doesn't make them bad people, but it's reality when you have a lot of people on the guest list.   In my own situation, I'll spend that money when I can spend more quality time in the area vs. playing wedding guest. 

It doesn't mean I don't love her.   But it DOES mean that I am going to be careful with how I drop a huge chunk of money. 

mrsconn23

I agree with everyone else.  I understand being sad.  Have that drink and keep in mind that you are still going to have a great wedding. 

We turned down a family wedding because it was occurring the week before finals last month and we couldn't take our kiddo out of school. Plus we would have had to cancel our summer vacation to go.   I was really sad because it was my husband's favorite cousin getting married and I freaking adore his (now) wife.  And their wedding location was amazeballs.  

thisismynickname2

I think the vast majority of couples get surprising declines. You're allowed to mope and have a drink and get over it in due time! We were actually the exact opposite of you-- every friend invited attended, even those coming from out of town. Extended family (that we were required to invite per MIL) who live within an hour's drive of the venue declined. (MIL was pissed; DH somewhat peeved but quickly got over it.) 

We were really under-budget and had to order a lot of extra food in order to get to our minimum spend, but the good news was we didn't spend anything more than the minimum- so, "money saved." And the food was awesome. 

oywiththepoodles

banana468 said:

And frankly, if I'm going to spend that kind of money, I'd rather do it to spend real time with her.   We all know that unless you're getting in for days before the wedding, or you're in the wedding, you may talk to the happy couple for all of 10 minutes.   And that doesn't make them bad people, but it's reality when you have a lot of people on the guest list.   In my own situation, I'll spend that money when I can spend more quality time in the area vs. playing wedding guest. 

It doesn't mean I don't love her.   But it DOES mean that I am going to be careful with how I drop a huge chunk of money. 

That's a great point. I've definitely noticed that if there's a whole group of friends going together, coordinating, etc., it seems that this is more of a desirable trip than a wedding where you literally just know the couple and will likely only see them for 5-10 min.

I suppose one plus of all this (I'm trying to find the sliver lining ) is that it means more quality time with the guests who are indeed coming. 

Thanks everyone for all the responses!

NOLABridesmaid

Yes, it sucks, but you are still going to have a great time with the people that attend. Try to flip it to a postive. Now, you can upgrade the food or bar. Maybe, there are some things you cut and can now have or just pocket the extra. Things always work out.