Wedding Etiquette Forum

Kids or No Kids?

I need advice! My mother (who is paying for the entire wedding) has already made it clear to my FH and I that we will not be able to invite many kids to the wedding due to costs, which I am more than ok with. However, my FH is not happy. He has over 20 kids on his side of the family (all under the age of 10 btw), but they are all his second cousins. I have 4 kids on my side of the family, 2 of whom are my first cousins and 2 of whom are my second cousins. I have already explained to my family that my second cousins cannot come and my family is understanding of that.

I thought it would be an easy way to not invite a bunch of kids by saying that we're limiting it to first cousins, but my FH seems hurt and thinks I'm excluding his family. I've explained to him that of course this is not the case and that I've already excluded some kids from my family, and we can't afford to pay for over 20 extra children. (Not to mention that I don't want a bunch of screaming kids running around all night).

It's even more of a dilemma because we don't know what to do about the flower girl or ring bearer. The 2 children on my side of the family are both boys and are too old to play a role in the wedding. So we were thinking of inviting some kids (second cousins) from my FH's side of the family to fill those roles, but I'm concerned that this will cause everyone else to question why their kids weren't invited. We've also been toying with the idea of providing child care, but I'm not sure if that would work out financially either.  

I guess my question is it inappropriate to limit kids to first cousins, but then invite some second cousins to fill the role of ring bearer and flower girl?

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Re: Kids or No Kids?

  • Jen4948 said:
    I think it's fair to limit kids invited to first cousins on both sides, your flower girl, and your ring bearer. That would be inviting in circles.
    I agree. 
  • I need advice! My mother (who is paying for the entire wedding) has already made it clear to my FH and I that we will not be able to invite many kids to the wedding due to costs, which I am more than ok with. However, my FH is not happy. He has over 20 kids on his side of the family (all under the age of 10 btw), but they are all his second cousins. I have 4 kids on my side of the family, 2 of whom are my first cousins and 2 of whom are my second cousins. I have already explained to my family that my second cousins cannot come and my family is understanding of that.

    I thought it would be an easy way to not invite a bunch of kids by saying that we're limiting it to first cousins, but my FH seems hurt and thinks I'm excluding his family. I've explained to him that of course this is not the case and that I've already excluded some kids from my family, and we can't afford to pay for over 20 extra children. (Not to mention that I don't want a bunch of screaming kids running around all night).

    It's even more of a dilemma because we don't know what to do about the flower girl or ring bearer. The 2 children on my side of the family are both boys and are too old to play a role in the wedding. So we were thinking of inviting some kids (second cousins) from my FH's side of the family to fill those roles, but I'm concerned that this will cause everyone else to question why their kids weren't invited. We've also been toying with the idea of providing child care, but I'm not sure if that would work out financially either.  

    I guess my question is it inappropriate to limit kids to first cousins, but then invite some second cousins to fill the role of ring bearer and flower girl?


    lyndausvi said:
    I would invited first cousins and cut the RB/FG altogether. They are not needed and in your case might cause more issues than is needed.
    This.  Invite in circles- Immediate family, 1st cousins and kids, Friends.

    Have a hard line of limiting invitations to 1st cousins only, no 2nd cousins from anyone's family (although I suspect they are actually 1st cousins once removed ;-), and no FG or RB.

    People here will tell you that in theory you can invite some 2nd cousins and their kids and not others, but it reality you cannot do this w/o incurring drama.  Family dynamics and people's feelings don't work that way.

    The main thing is that you need to get your FI on board with this, especially since your parents are paying and they have a hard budget and guestlist limit.




    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • How would cutting down to just first cousins work in terms of sides?   

    Have you already asked the FG and the RB?   


  • How close is he to his second cousins?



  • We have not asked anyone yet to be the RB or flower girl - if it makes things easier so that we don't hurt people's feelings maybe we'll just have our dog fill those rolls and bring our rings down the aisle (we've seriously talked about this before, haha). So if we limit it to first cousins all together, we would have 2 of my first cousins attend (I'm very close with them) and would not be able to invite 2 second cousins from my side of the family and about 20 second cousins on his side of the family.

  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016
    Ok the other thing is... while it's usually good to invite in circles...
    I don't even know who all my second cousins are. I have only met 4 of them for sure. I bet there are more. If my second cousins invited some of their second cousins to their wedding but not me, I wouldn't even know! And even if I knew, I wouldn't even care.
    If your FI is close to say, 5 of his 20 second cousins... you might be safe just inviting the ones he's close to. Because it's quite possible the ones he isn't close to will not care that they aren't invited. I'd stick with circles for aunts/uncles/first cousins... but for second cousins it might be a little looser.

    (note: I'm assuming by "second cousin" you mean the children of his parents' cousins. If you actually mean first cousins once removed (the children of his first cousins) not doing circles might be trickier because it will have more visibility. But it might still be ok. It really depends on family dynamics).
  • whoops - you guys are right I mean his cousins children - so first cousins once removed.



  • We have not asked anyone yet to be the RB or flower girl - if it makes things easier so that we don't hurt people's feelings maybe we'll just have our dog fill those rolls and bring our rings down the aisle (we've seriously talked about this before, haha). So if we limit it to first cousins all together, we would have 2 of my first cousins attend (I'm very close with them) and would not be able to invite 2 second cousins from my side of the family and about 20 second cousins on his side of the family.

    Just for clarity's sake, who do you mean when you use the term "2nd cousins"?

    If you are referring to your FI's or your 1st cousins children, then those kids are your 1st cousins, once removed:
    http://www.sonic.net/~fredd/cousins.html

    And as PP's have asked, how close is your FI to these cousins?  If he is really actually close to them and really wants them to be at the wedding, as PPs suggested you should either offer your mother to pay for them to attend, or decline her money all together and pay for the entire wedding yourselves.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Your issue is that this seems unreasonable to your FI. You need to work out with him why he's upset about this, and then both of you need to propose something to your mom.

    I didn't invite any of my first cousins, because I wasn't close to them, while we invited several of DH's because he was close to them. Circles are helpful in explaining to people - i.e., "we decided just to keep it to first cousins" - and if he truly didn't care about their presence but more as an appendage to their parents, then presumably it would have sounded reasonable to your FI. But if this first-cousin-cutoff means to your FI that you are excluding people with whom he has a close relationship, based solely upon their age, I can see why that wouldn't make sense to him and seem like it was disrespecting his family.
  • whoops - you guys are right I mean his cousins children - so first cousins once removed.

    Common mistake. :)
    Actually my cousin and I have already agreed to refer to each other's children as nieces/nephews and to have them call us auntie. So much easier for my daughter to call her Auntie Samantha than First cousin, once removed, Samantha!


  • aurianna said:

    (note: I'm assuming by "second cousin" you mean the children of his parents' cousins. If you actually mean first cousins once removed (the children of his first cousins) not doing circles might be trickier because it will have more visibility. But it might still be ok. It really depends on family dynamics).
    Only your FI will know if Cousin Susy will get butthurt if she sees that her kids were not invited but that Cousin Adam's kids were.

    However, personally, this is not a game of drama roulette I'd want to play.  People get BSC about kids and weddings and like I mentioned before, it doesn't matter how in the right you are as per etiquette, people's feelings and rational thought are typically mutually exclusive.

    It would be up to your FI to decide if

    A. he really wants every child of every 1st cousin to attend or

    B. He wants to invite only the children he is actually close with and then deal with any ensuing drama from inviting some of his cousin's kids and not others.

    But then you'd both have to resolve the budget issues together with your mom.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • It was surprisingly my FH's idea to have our golden retriever walk down the aisle haha!

  • It was surprisingly my FH's idea to have our golden retriever walk down the aisle haha!

    That's not a great solution.   He'll have pockets.   

    No dogs.  
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2016

    It was surprisingly my FH's idea to have our golden retriever walk down the aisle haha!

    Do you plan on hiring a dog walker for the event or is one of your honored guests going to be on dog duty? Would that person have preferred to enjoy your ceremony as an honored spectator?
    Does the ceremony venue even allow dogs?
    Is the wedding indoors? Are any of your guests allergic to dogs and might have reaction in close quarters? Are any of your guests afraid of large dogs?
    What happens if the dog goes to the bathroom in the venue? What if the dog chews something in the venue?
    And while some of this is solved if it's outdoors... what happens if something spooks the dog and it runs off? What happens if the dog went to the bathroom nearby and a guest steps in its poop in their nice wedding shoes?
    What are you going to do with the dog after the ceremony? If you pay a dog walker/sitter to take it home, great. Otherwise... are you going to have to cut into picture time to take the dog home? Is one of your honored guests going to have to miss part of cocktail hour to take your dog home?
    Or do you intend to let it stay during the reception? And if so, same questions as above, and now what about guests that prefer not to have animals around when they eat?

    In some rare and very specific situations it can be cute. But you have to make sure you have all this stuff figured out. And make sure guests' comfort always comes first.



  • Here's another idea. With all of your FI's family ties taken into consideration, why can't your mom re-jigger her budget to accommodate kids?

    People who pay for weddings still need to respect the wishes of the couple, and eliminating people your FI cares about isn't really generous. 

    Find a different venue, cut fancy flowers or whatever- all kinds of stuff commonly discussed on the budget board. 
    ________________________________


  • It was surprisingly my FH's idea to have our golden retriever walk down the aisle haha!

    This doesn't change my thoughts on it. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • good thing it's not your wedding :)
  • good thing it's not your wedding :)
    Really?

    Are you even going to consider anything @aurianna mentioned?  Those are very valid, logistical things to consider.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • You aren't going to want your dog there, dog sitter or not. Even the most socialized dogs can get very anxious in large crowds and unusual places. Put those together and you're asking for a problem. 
  • Ring bearers are not required. I've actually never been to a wedding with a ring bearer (human or animal). The Best Man and MOH handled the rings. When I was a MOH recently I wore the groom's ring on my thumb until it was needed in the ceremony. 

    Keep it simple. 
    --

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