Grandfather as Officiant?

FoxandBunny

I'm getting married in October and am running into a problem. Neither FI or I are religious, but our families are. My parents (who are paying for the wedding) are pushing for me to ask my grandfather to be my officiant. I would be fine with it, but he is a borderline fire and brimstone Southern Baptist preacher. We don't want a religious ceremony, but I feel like if I have him do it we will be forced and guilted into it.

They are pulling very hard guilt tips on me, and I know that if he isn't asked to officiate and I find someone "random" on the internet there will be A LOT of hurt feelings. I even mentioned in passing having a friend do it and I got a death glare from my mom. I've tried bringing up that I'm not exactly comfortable with him doing it, but they just don't understand. It doesn't help that they don't know we aren't religious (they just think we don't go to church). And if I told them, it would quite possibly result in a disowning.

 My parents have been so great about everything else, it's just this one thing. Any advice?

ILoveBeachMusic

Pay for your own wedding so that the strings aren't attached. Ideally you should "come clean" with your parents about the reasons to not ask your Grandfather. Are your parents fire and brimstone too? They might understand your concerns if they aren't.

FoxandBunny

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Pay for your own wedding so that the strings aren't attached. Ideally you should "come clean" with your parents about the reasons to not ask your Grandfather. Are your parents fire and brimstone too? They might understand your concerns if they aren't.

My parents are not fire and brimstone, but they are very religious. And like I said, if I told them it would likely result in being disowned, and I'm not quite ready to do that yet.

I've mentioned my concerns by saying things like, "I don't think he'd like our ceremony" and that I was afraid he'd go off-script, but they didn't really get it.

They've been so great that I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's turning into one.

charlotte989875

FoxandBunny said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

Pay for your own wedding so that the strings aren't attached. Ideally you should "come clean" with your parents about the reasons to not ask your Grandfather. Are your parents fire and brimstone too? They might understand your concerns if they aren't.

My parents are not fire and brimstone, but they are very religious. And like I said, if I told them it would likely result in being disowned, and I'm not quite ready to do that yet.

I've mentioned my concerns by saying things like, "I don't think he'd like our ceremony" and that I was afraid he'd go off-script, but they didn't really get it.

They've been so great that I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's turning into one.

Getting married is an adult decision and involves the legal (and for many people spiritual) uniting of two people. Do you really want the ceremony the legally binds the two of you to reflect views that you don't share?

Its time to be honest with your family and tell her you're not religious and you want a ceremony that will reflect your views, not the beliefs of family you don't share. You say you're not ready for them to disown you and I get that sounds impossibly difficult, however if you're seriously considering have a ceremony you don't believe in and lying to your family about it , I wonder if you're actually ready to be married. 

holyguacamole79

I strongly suggest a heart to heart with your parents.  If you don't do so soon, this type of behavior is only going to continue. 

Jen4948

I think you need to be honest and say to your parents, "Mom, Dad, I know you really want Grandfather to be our officiant, but FI and I have discussed it and we're not comfortable with the way he would conduct the ceremony because we don't agree with his views. So we've made the final decision to use another officiant at our wedding and we're not open to discussing it further."

DrillSergeantCat

You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 

OurWildKingdom

DrillSergeantCat said:

You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 

@DrillSergeantCat's suggested approach is a good one. Still, don't put off the conversation about religion. 

SaintPaulGal

I think @DrillSergeantCat 's suggestion is a great one.  But I also agree with @OurWildKingdom that you need to prioritize having a conversation with your parents about belief systems and what sort of wedding and marriage you will be having.

FoxandBunny

DrillSergeantCat said:

You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 

That's a great suggestion, but sadly it didn't work. That was what I told them first. They insisted that it wouldn't be work (this coming from a man who refuses to even change a light bulb on Sunday because it's "work" and you aren't supposed to work on Sundays).

I know everyone is right, but it's a scary thing to be faced with being cut off from your whole family. I've stood up to them on several things that they were staunchly against (moving in with my FI, for example) and they eventually got over it, so maybe this will be the same.

artbyallie

So, ideally they should let you have control over the ceremony, since that's the most personal part, but since they're not, and they're paying, you may have to decline their money to get your way.

SP29

I like @Jen4948 's wording. You are being clear that you do not agree with your grandfather's views, but you aren't outright saying that you aren't religious.

I truly feel the ceremony is the one aspect of the wedding that is all about the bride and the groom. I would strongly urge you not to participate in a ceremony that not only does not have meaning to you, but goes against your beliefs. That feels wrong to me. At the end of the day, if your family keeps pushing, you are going to have to stand up somehow, and that may mean returning any funds they have offered/given and planning the wedding you want, and knowing their may be some hurt feelings (either way though there are some hurt feelings- yours or theirs).

I do think you should have a talk with your family about your beliefs sooner rather than later. What happens when/if you have children and your family wants them baptized? Wants them raised in the faith? You are back to your current situation all over again. I think better to deal with it now than later.

DrillSergeantCat

FoxandBunny said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

You could also say that you don't feel comfortable have your grandfather work that day as you just want him to be able to enjoy himself as a guest. If that doesn't work, then you need to be honest about not wanting a religious ceremony. 

That's a great suggestion, but sadly it didn't work. That was what I told them first. They insisted that it wouldn't be work (this coming from a man who refuses to even change a light bulb on Sunday because it's "work" and you aren't supposed to work on Sundays).

I know everyone is right, but it's a scary thing to be faced with being cut off from your whole family. I've stood up to them on several things that they were staunchly against (moving in with my FI, for example) and they eventually got over it, so maybe this will be the same.

Have the ceremony on a Sunday. Boom. Problem solved.

[Deleted User]

If you moved in with your fiancé and they got over that, I would bet that they have some idea you aren't that religious anymore.