Bad to Refer to Registries When Guest Asks About Good Gift in General?

CaitFins

A guest, who I have never met and know little about, emailed me
"[asking about wedding details] AND – is there anything that the two of you would like to have in setting up your home? I would imagine that you are starting fresh so there is a lot of needs/wants, etc."
How do I respond to this? We have two very extensive registries. I am already off on the wrong foot by accidentally sending the Save the Date to her work email and the paper invitation being late, so I want to err on the side of humility and respect even more so than normal. In this situation, do you not mention the registry at all costs? We have so many odds and ends that we could use, but being general is difficult. 


My best idea was to say something like:
"We are starting fresh! [FI] has really gotten into cooking, so we have all sorts of little kitchen things he would love. We also still need a few appliances like a coffee grinder, hand mixer, or a blender. We do have registries at Amazon and Bed Bath & Beyond. You certainly don't need to buy something directly off of them, but they might give you some inspiration for something you'd like! And I hope it goes without saying, but don't worry about gifts. We're just so happy for you to be there!


But maybe I'm putting my foot in my mouth here, by saying "you don't have to..." and actually implying that that's a possibility? She's really more of a past support to my fiance, they haven't kept up in a while, so I feel really weird about this. Especially since it was, "is there anything..." But I don't know if just saying we need a blender, a processor, etc., is good enough. I feel like it's difficult to not assume a price point and cover all possible price points and desires she might have by dictating a few specific things. There's all sorts of things we have on our registry, but they're really all sorts of odds and ends. I imagine being able to say, "We need towels," or "bedding" or whatever would be convenient, but the most general things you think of we are okay on.


ETA: And now my FI says he wants the specific appliance brands that are on the registry. Grr.

holyguacamole79

I think the reply you posted is a good one.  

SaintPaulGal

I agree that what you posted is generally good, but I think you are being a bit too obsequious.  This person asked what you want.  You don't have to tie yourself into knots with the whole  if you want...but you don't have to...but if you want...but you don't have to...thing  Just answer.  Maybe something like:

"We are starting fresh! [FI] has really gotten into cooking, so we have all sorts of little kitchen things he would love. We also still need a few appliances like a coffee grinder, hand mixer, or a blender. We do have registries at Amazon and Bed Bath & Beyond if you care to take a peek at those.  I'm looking forward to finally meeting you, and [fi] is excited to catch up."

charlotte989875

CaitFins said:

A guest, who I have never met and know little about, emailed me
"[asking about wedding details] AND – is there anything that the two of you would like to have in setting up your home? I would imagine that you are starting fresh so there is a lot of needs/wants, etc."
How do I respond to this? We have two very extensive registries. I am already off on the wrong foot by accidentally sending the Save the Date to her work email and the paper invitation being late, so I want to err on the side of humility and respect even more so than normal. In this situation, do you not mention the registry at all costs? We have so many odds and ends that we could use, but being general is difficult. 


My best idea was to say something like:
"We are starting fresh! [FI] has really gotten into cooking, so we have all sorts of little kitchen things he would love. We also still need a few appliances like a coffee grinder, hand mixer, or a blender. We do have registries at Amazon and Bed Bath & Beyond. You certainly don't need to buy something directly off of them, but they might give you some inspiration for something you'd like! And I hope it goes without saying, but don't worry about gifts. We're just so happy for you to be there!


But maybe I'm putting my foot in my mouth here, by saying "you don't have to..." and actually implying that that's a possibility? She's really more of a past support to my fiance, they haven't kept up in a while, so I feel really weird about this. Especially since it was, "is there anything..." But I don't know if just saying we need a blender, a processor, etc., is good enough. I feel like it's difficult to not assume a price point and cover all possible price points and desires she might have by dictating a few specific things. There's all sorts of things we have on our registry, but they're really all sorts of odds and ends. I imagine being able to say, "We need towels," or "bedding" or whatever would be convenient, but the most general things you think of we are okay on.

I think if someone asks you directly about a gift it's fine to tell them where you're registered and what you excited about. I adjisted somebod the wording below but in general I think it's good. 

"We are starting fresh! [FI] has really gotten into cooking, so we have all sorts of little kitchen things he would love. We do have registries at Amazon and Bed Bath & Beyond, which might give you some ideas. We're happy you'll be able to make it!"

ScottishSarah

I've had a few emails so far.  I've said....

"Thank you so much for asking.  We have a list at John Lewis.  Can't wait to see you!"

SP29

I think it is fine, if someone directly asks, to mention you are registered at X.

monkeysip

The whole point of not advertising your registry is so that people don't think you're expecting/requesting a gift.  But if someone ASKS you what to buy you, completely ok to tell them where you're registered!

MesmrEwe

Yes - it's o.k. to come outright and say "we registered at..." when someone comes right out and asks!  Or if there's something you're saving up for to just say it - if they've asked!  Go ahead and be direct!

CaitFins

Thank you so much, everyone! This really helped me!! 

drunkenwitch

The point of a registry is to help people buy you a gift you want and or need. No one is ever required ro buy from it, but lots of people like to use it.  You shouldn't shout it from the rooftops our announce it in invitations (which you clearly are not doing). But, if someone asks directly they want to know, so it's perfectly okay to say "we have a registry at blah  blah blah". I also think (IMHO) it's  within etiquette to give your registry information to parents and all or some of your wedding party because chances are friends and family will contact them and ask. I got that question the times I have been a bridesmaid. 

short+sassy

I've always wondered, if a guest asks a very general question, like, "What would you all like?"  If a couple prefers cash/gift cards, is it then appropriate to say so?

In the OP's specific example, the guest specifically asked about setting up a house.  So that would be a clear "not okay" to say cash, imo.  But totally fine to mention the registries.

We had something like this happen to my H and I.  We were guests for a wedding and asked where they were registered.  The groom told us they are pretty set for their household items and not registered anywhere, but would prefer cash.  I thought this response was fine, because we asked.  But my H, who is normally not an etiquette stickler, was a little put off by it.

I supposed a little bit more finessed answer would have been, "We are not registered anywhere, but currently saving for X."

At any rate, as a guest, if I'm asking I want to know.  Whether it is to be given a list of registries or told the couple wants a "boring"...but oh so useful gift...like cash.  (Though not sure if the last is proper etiquette, I don't want to steer anyone wrong.)

SaintPaulGal

short+sassy said:

I've always wondered, if a guest asks a very general question, like, "What would you all like?"  If a couple prefers cash/gift cards, is it then appropriate to say so?

In the OP's specific example, the guest specifically asked about setting up a house.  So that would be a clear "not okay" to say cash, imo.  But totally fine to mention the registries.

We had something like this happen to my H and I.  We were guests for a wedding and asked where they were registered.  The groom told us they are pretty set for their household items and not registered anywhere, but would prefer cash.  I thought this response was fine, because we asked.  But my H, who is normally not an etiquette stickler, was a little put off by it.

I supposed a little bit more finessed answer would have been, "We are not registered anywhere, but currently saving for X."

At any rate, as a guest, if I'm asking I want to know.  Whether it is to be given a list of registries or told the couple wants a "boring"...but oh so useful gift...like cash.  (Though not sure if the last is proper etiquette, I don't want to steer anyone wrong.)

This, although I would leave off the part about not being registered anywhere.  Example convo in the event that the OP wasn't registered and preferred cash gifts:

[from the OP} "is there anything that the two of you would like to have in setting up your home? I would imagine that you are starting fresh so there is a lot of needs/wants, etc." 

"We have most of the little stuff we need, but we are saving up for a new fridge."

MuppetOverlord

SaintPaulGal said:

short+sassy said:

I've always wondered, if a guest asks a very general question, like, "What would you all like?"  If a couple prefers cash/gift cards, is it then appropriate to say so?

In the OP's specific example, the guest specifically asked about setting up a house.  So that would be a clear "not okay" to say cash, imo.  But totally fine to mention the registries.

We had something like this happen to my H and I.  We were guests for a wedding and asked where they were registered.  The groom told us they are pretty set for their household items and not registered anywhere, but would prefer cash.  I thought this response was fine, because we asked.  But my H, who is normally not an etiquette stickler, was a little put off by it.

I supposed a little bit more finessed answer would have been, "We are not registered anywhere, but currently saving for X."

At any rate, as a guest, if I'm asking I want to know.  Whether it is to be given a list of registries or told the couple wants a "boring"...but oh so useful gift...like cash.  (Though not sure if the last is proper etiquette, I don't want to steer anyone wrong.)

This, although I would leave off the part about not being registered anywhere.  Example convo in the event that the OP wasn't registered and preferred cash gifts:

[from the OP} "is there anything that the two of you would like to have in setting up your home? I would imagine that you are starting fresh so there is a lot of needs/wants, etc." 

"We have most of the little stuff we need, but we are saving up for a new fridge."

We didn't register anywhere. This was my second wedding and we had been living together a while and had pretty established house goods. I didn't want a shower. MIL got seriously pissed off and tried to force us to register for the sake of registering. 

We told people that we're saving for our honeymoon and improvements to our home. We started with our parents/grandparents who mostly passed that along to others. I had also given our parents a few tangible items that we did need for those who didn't want to give cash. 

We ended up with 90% cash, and a few really cool, personalized gifts. 

ETA: It's not rude to give out your registry info.