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Knottie1460327909

I've had enough.  Just because I want the ones I love to be involved in my wedding does not make me a horrible person.  You people need to learn how to state your opinions in a kinder way or move over to the snarky brides forum.

Thank you to those that don't fall into this category and stated their opinions in ways that didn't bring me to tears.

AddieCake

Knottie1460327909 said:

Ok, so I know I have asked this question before, but it was terribly worded (what I get for posting on 2 hours of sleep when I'm cranky), but here it goes again...

Our nephew will be a year old at our wedding and we are having him as our ring bearer.  I know that he won't remember, but it is very special for us to be able to include him officially in our wedding party.  He's a very laid back kid so far and if he gets fussy the day of, then we won't force him to participate. We are putting the rings in a locked wooden box that the best man will have the key to open, so no choking hazard.  We plan on having him pulled in a wagon that was made with a seat belt.  He will be in it for all of a minute, and it is 100% guaranteed safe.  It is a wagon that has been used multiple times for this exact purpose without one issue.  That is settled.

Now we want a 5 year old girl of a good friend to be the flower girl.  I love this girl with all of my heart and genuinely want her in my wedding.  We are going to try to make see if she can pull the wagon.  Obviously if she can't, we will find someone else to or if we have any concerns about her pulling too fast, same deal.  We will stick the equivalent weight of the nephew in the wagon for test runs, obviously not actually him. 

The problem arises that the 5 year old has three siblings that I am also close to.  I would love to incorporate them somehow into the wedding, but we have a small wedding party so having all of them as flower girls/ring bearers would be chaos.  We are hoping to have the 7 and 8 year old do a short reading during the ceremony (they are very outgoing kids and thrive in the spotlight).  We just don't know what to do with the 3 year old.  Of all of the kids, I'm the least close to him because the past 2 years I haven't spent as much time with this family because I've had a few crazy years at school.  So I don't really want to make him another ring bearer, but I'm not sure if it is not ok to not include him with having his 3 siblings involved...I know he won't personally care, but I'm more concerned about the parents reaction.

Any ideas to help? Please don't lecture me on the safety issues of a wagon.  I love my nephew and I assure you that I have researched this thoroughly to make sure that he is completely safe. 

I still vote for them all somersaulting  down the aisle.

SaintPaulGal

I vote a big, fat, HELL NO to having little kids as readers.  Their parents may or may not think it's adorable.  Virtually everyone else is bound to be some level of annoyed or uncomfortable.  Little kids have basically no meaningful understanding of the intricacies of adult romantic relationships; it seems weird and borderline inappropriate to send them up in front of everybody to lecture the guests about marriage.

I would scale way back on the kid circus.  I'm not remotely one of those people who believes that a wedding has to be a solemn affair to befit the sanctity of marriage--blech!  But it doesn't have to be an episode of Kids Say the Darndest Things, either.  It's not a Christmas pageant and you don't have to invent a million roles for everybody; being a guest is plenty.

Knottie1460327909

I appreciate your point of view.  I know these kids incredibly well and like I said, it would be a short reading appropriate to their age.  Most likely a Bible verse that they know well, and they would be reading it up there together, not a progression of multiple kids coming up to read.  It would be something tame like the classic "Love is patient" verse that kids learn from a young age, they aren't up there giving advice.

It is my wedding and incorporating my loved ones is what is going to make me happy.  This isn't a "my FSIL feels like she should be included so help me find a place for her" or anything like that.  This is a "I really love these people and want them to play a major role in the biggest day of my life". 

Greenjinjo

Have you talked to the parents? 

Knottie1460327909

Greenjinjo said:

Have you talked to the parents? 

I've talked to them about if the oldest two would be comfortable with doing a reading (which they are on board with), but I haven't asked about the flower girl yet until I can come up with something for the youngest to do (or decide not to involve him).

charlotte989875

So you're trying to find a role for three kids, and you FIs sister according to your other posts, but you have reasons for not wanting them in traditional roles? It just sounds like you're trying to hard to force this to work. If there is a reason they can't/won't/you don't want them to do something it's fine. Have them attend as a guest, give them a corsage, take special photos with them, have a reserved seat for them.

Specifically with the kids if you have 3 of 4 I understand your concern the last one will feel left out, so why not just make him another ring bearer? I do find the children reading a little odd and I think many people will as well, but I guess if they (and the parents) are okay with it then ok. It also would have been fin to just have the 5 year old (assuming she is very close to you) as the FG without including any other sibilants. 

Finally for you FSIL ask her if she wants to a reading and let her decide. If you don't want her as a BM and your FI doesn't want her to stand on his side she can do a reading or be an honored guest. Are you having a Catholic service? If you are could you have her bring up the gifts? 

Last point is that you say you want a small wedding party, but you want all these people involved; they are still your wedding party. All these children (and their parents) and sibiliings you want included are all apart of your ceremony and as such should be included in the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner  

artbyallie

I will say again, a child that cannot make it down the aisle by themselves is too little to be in the wedding. Have the older children in the wedding if you like. Three is on the cusp of being able to get the concept and may or may not make it down the aisle on the day of. Seven and eight are, IMO, perfect ages for ringbearer/flowergirl roles; old enough to understand and hopefully not melt down and young enough to feel special doing so. The children we had in our wedding were 8 and 9, in fact.

Do not make up pointless 'roles.' Ringbearer or flowergirl. I would not expect a child of 7 or 8 to read into a microphone in front of a group of people unless I knew that was something they would a) really want to do and b) be capable of. I could have at that age, but not every child is that confident a reader.

southernbelle0915

It's not chaos to have two girls instead of one dropping petals. Or one 7-8y/o boy carrying a box with the rings. The 16 month old can have his dad carry him if you absolutely must have him in your processional. Your FI can just get over having a problem with this because it really is NBD. You are seriously making Mt. Everest out of a molehill.

Jen4948

Knottie1460327909 said:

I appreciate your point of view.  I know these kids incredibly well and like I said, it would be a short reading appropriate to their age.  Most likely a Bible verse that they know well, and they would be reading it up there together, not a progression of multiple kids coming up to read.  It would be something tame like the classic "Love is patient" verse that kids learn from a young age, they aren't up there giving advice.

It is my wedding and incorporating my loved ones is what is going to make me happy.  This isn't a "my FSIL feels like she should be included so help me find a place for her" or anything like that.  This is a "I really love these people and want them to play a major role in the biggest day of my life". 

So why do you want our advice if your plans are fixed anyway?

When I attend a wedding, I am not there to see babies pulled down the aisle in a wagon or to listen to a little kid who can barely manage Goodnight Moon or Dr. Seuss give a reading. If that's what I want to see, I'll visit a pre-school.

You're welcome for the advice.

Heffalump

Leave the three year old out of it.  There is nothing that the 3 y.o. needs to do, and no 3 y.o. on the planet is going to think "Sister is a flower girl and other sibling(s) are reader(s), where is my Special Role?" 

[Deleted User]

My thoughts:

1) leave the three year old out. I doubt he will care. I could see a girl caring more because she would otherwise be having a bit of a princess moment as a fg but I can't see a little boy caring. 

2) or have the three year old as a second ring bearer and have him walk down the aisle at the same time as his sister and your nephew. This is really not going to take away at all from your nephew. 

3) having the two older ones give a reading doesn't seem like a great idea to me. Due to their age and (assumed) reading ability, giving a reading at a wedding seems out of place and I'm picturing a lot of stuttering and reading problems due to stage fright. It just seems like a bizarre opportunity for a photo op during the ceremony. If you need an alternative, maybe they could say a quick word of congratulations as a toast during the reception? "Congratulations knottie#! You are the best babysitter ever and we are happy for you!" during speeches seems much more age appropriate. 

ETA: I know a lot of 7 and 8 year olds who are decent readers and still don't think this is a good idea for the ceremony. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1460327909 said:

Ok, so I know I have asked this question before, but it was terribly worded (what I get for posting on 2 hours of sleep when I'm cranky), but here it goes again...

Our nephew will be a year old at our wedding and we are having him as our ring bearer.  I know that he won't remember, but it is very special for us to be able to include him officially in our wedding party.  He's a very laid back kid so far and if he gets fussy the day of, then we won't force him to participate. We are putting the rings in a locked wooden box that the best man will have the key to open, so no choking hazard.  We plan on having him pulled in a wagon that was made with a seat belt.  He will be in it for all of a minute, and it is 100% guaranteed safe.  It is a wagon that has been used multiple times for this exact purpose without one issue.  That is settled.

I'm going to say this as a former bride who had 4 children in her wedding party, the youngest of which was 2:

I would not have anyone in your WP that can't walk down the aisle on their own 2 feet.  DO NOT pull children in wagons!  Many venues will NOT allow that due to liability issues.  I would also use "dummy rings" on the ring bearer's pillow and have your BM have the actual rings the entire time.

Just dress your nephew up, get him a really cute suit and boy tie, and take pictures with him after the ceremony.

Now we want a 5 year old girl of a good friend to be the flower girl.  I love this girl with all of my heart and genuinely want her in my wedding.  We are going to try to make see if she can pull the wagon.  Obviously if she can't, we will find someone else to or if we have any concerns about her pulling too fast, same deal.  We will stick the equivalent weight of the nephew in the wagon for test runs, obviously not actually him. 

DO NOT have a child pulling another child in a wagon.  Again, for liability issues most venues won't even allow this.

The problem arises that the 5 year old has three siblings that I am also close to.  I would love to incorporate them somehow into the wedding, but we have a small wedding party so having all of them as flower girls/ring bearers would be chaos.  We are hoping to have the 7 and 8 year old do a short reading during the ceremony (they are very outgoing kids and thrive in the spotlight).  We just don't know what to do with the 3 year old.  Of all of the kids, I'm the least close to him because the past 2 years I haven't spent as much time with this family because I've had a few crazy years at school.  So I don't really want to make him another ring bearer, but I'm not sure if it is not ok to not include him with having his 3 siblings involved...I know he won't personally care, but I'm more concerned about the parents reaction.

Why are you hung up on this concept of a small wedding party if you have all these people you want to include in your wedding party anyways?

If you want to include all of these kids, then have them all serve as FGs and RBs, minus anyone who can't actually physically walk yet.  Again, I had 4 kids in my WP.

Any ideas to help? Please don't lecture me on the safety issues of a wagon.  I love my nephew and I assure you that I have researched this thoroughly to make sure that he is completely safe. 

Please don't attempt to tell me what I can and cannot comment on in a public forum.  You opened the door to feedback by posting in the 1st place.

SaintPaulGal

I want to be clear that my "hell no" has nothing to do with reading ability or potential stage fright.  At that age I was all about public speaking and being on stage.  You can be damn sure I would have had my lines memorized and wouldn't stumble or clam up.  

I just don't think it's age-appropriate for elementary schoolers to be giving marital advice to adults on their wedding day.  When it is obvious that someone is just parroting something they can't really understand, as would be the case here, it feels like making a mockery of the sentiments.  That doesn't sit right with me, and I bet many/most of your guests will feel the same way.

sparklepants41

SaintPaulGal said:

I want to be clear that my "hell no" has nothing to do with reading ability or potential stage fright.  At that age I was all about public speaking and being on stage.  You can be damn sure I would have had my lines memorized and wouldn't stumble or clam up.  

I just don't think it's age-appropriate for elementary schoolers to be giving marital advice to adults on their wedding day.  When it is obvious that someone is just parroting something they can't really understand, as would be the case here, it feels like making a mockery of the sentiments.  That doesn't sit right with me, and I bet many/most of your guests will feel the same way.

^^This.

InLoveInQueens

SaintPaulGal said:

I want to be clear that my "hell no" has nothing to do with reading ability or potential stage fright.  At that age I was all about public speaking and being on stage.  You can be damn sure I would have had my lines memorized and wouldn't stumble or clam up.  

I just don't think it's age-appropriate for elementary schoolers to be giving marital advice to adults on their wedding day.  When it is obvious that someone is just parroting something they can't really understand, as would be the case here, it feels like making a mockery of the sentiments.  That doesn't sit right with me, and I bet many/most of your guests will feel the same way.

Or they'd feel like me, gleeful that they now get to talk about how weird/awkward watching a kid give relationship advice at a wedding was. They won't know the meaning of what they're reading, what's the point? I understand wanting to make these kids feel special, but at that age they just need a few pictures and a chance to dance with the couple/person they're closest to and food/dessert, that's all they care about. They're not going to give a shit that they weren't "honored" by being asked to read or pull a baby in a wagon or throw flower petals.

Seriously, OP, people here aren't trying to be assholes, they're just getting frustrated with your inability to actually listen to their opinions. If you just wanted an echo chamber, this is obviously the wrong place for that. If you actually want advice and alternatives, pull your fingers out of your ears and understand that these people just want to help.

ShesSoCold

I really think Chinese dragon or possibly parade float is the best way to go here.

CMGragain

Knottie1460327909 said:

Ok, so I know I have asked this question before, but it was terribly worded (what I get for posting on 2 hours of sleep when I'm cranky), but here it goes again...

Our nephew will be a year old at our wedding and we are having him as our ring bearer.  I know that he won't remember, but it is very special for us to be able to include him officially in our wedding party.  He's a very laid back kid so far and if he gets fussy the day of, then we won't force him to participate. We are putting the rings in a locked wooden box that the best man will have the key to open, so no choking hazard.  We plan on having him pulled in a wagon that was made with a seat belt.  He will be in it for all of a minute, and it is 100% guaranteed safe.  It is a wagon that has been used multiple times for this exact purpose without one issue.  That is settled.

Now we want a 5 year old girl of a good friend to be the flower girl.  I love this girl with all of my heart and genuinely want her in my wedding.  We are going to try to make see if she can pull the wagon.  Obviously if she can't, we will find someone else to or if we have any concerns about her pulling too fast, same deal.  We will stick the equivalent weight of the nephew in the wagon for test runs, obviously not actually him. 

The problem arises that the 5 year old has three siblings that I am also close to.  I would love to incorporate them somehow into the wedding, but we have a small wedding party so having all of them as flower girls/ring bearers would be chaos.  We are hoping to have the 7 and 8 year old do a short reading during the ceremony (they are very outgoing kids and thrive in the spotlight).  We just don't know what to do with the 3 year old.  Of all of the kids, I'm the least close to him because the past 2 years I haven't spent as much time with this family because I've had a few crazy years at school.  So I don't really want to make him another ring bearer, but I'm not sure if it is not ok to not include him with having his 3 siblings involved...I know he won't personally care, but I'm more concerned about the parents reaction.

Any ideas to help? Please don't lecture me on the safety issues of a wagon.  I love my nephew and I assure you that I have researched this thoroughly to make sure that he is completely safe. 

As a former child performer who was often put on display, I beg you to forget about this.  Children are not props/actors for your wedding ceremony.

Your text screams "We want!  I want!  I feel!"  This is not about you.  This is about the children.  I think you are being very selfish.

madamerwin

SaintPaulGal said:

I just don't think it's age-appropriate for elementary schoolers to be giving marital advice to adults on their wedding day.  When it is obvious that someone is just parroting something they can't really understand, as would be the case here, it feels like making a mockery of the sentiments.  That doesn't sit right with me, and I bet many/most of your guests will feel the same way.

This. I would just find it SUPER weird that little kids were doing a reading at a wedding... It would seem very out of place.  Kids doing readings are for Christmas pageants and school plays, not weddings.

Honestly, OP, if I were you I would just scrap ALL of the kids' roles. Dress your nephew up in a cute little suit, have him sit in the front row with family. If you really want some attention on him, have a grandparent carry him in before the bridal party processes. 

It really seems like you're trying way too hard to fit these kids into your wedding vision... 

cowgirl8238

If I went to a wedding where two young children were doing a reading I would being rolling my eyes the entire time!  At the reception and probably for years to come I would more than likely end up re-telling the story because how could I not tell everyone about that wedding where a Bride had a young child do a reading and a baby in a wagon and...omg props!!!!!!!

If you already brought up the idea of readers to mom, it might be difficult to take it back, but I think that a quick toast (as a pp mentioned) would be more appropriate.  I also will NEVER agree with the wagon thing...you say it is 100% safe but guess what, NOTHING on this planet will ever be 100% safe!!  There is always a chance for accidents.  Does your venue allow this??  You said you asked about the 8 and 9 y/o did you even ask the moms permission to do this yet??  She might not want her child in a wagon at all and then all this stress and butthurt will be for nothing.

Look, I think less is more when it comes to the wedding.  I am not a fan of large Wedding Parties that include a bunch of children.  Are they wrong? no, but they just seem excessive to me...and I doubt I am the only person in the World that feels this way. 

I think you are putting vision ahead of practicality.  I say you just have some nice photos with everyone and call it a day.  Have the 8 and 9 y/o walk down the aisle instead of doing a reading (since you already asked them to be involved) and leave the 3 and 1 y/o out of this.  Remember If they are involved they will be at the rehearsal and then need to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, and you should be getting them a nice gift too!

Of course you could just ignore all the fantastic advice and concerns of everyone here and just do whatever you want.  At the end of the day I don't GAF what you do for your wedding! Its the friends and family that are invited that you have to interact with from here on out that we are trying to represent.

ILoveBeachMusic

SaintPaulGal said:

I want to be clear that my "hell no" has nothing to do with reading ability or potential stage fright.  At that age I was all about public speaking and being on stage.  You can be damn sure I would have had my lines memorized and wouldn't stumble or clam up.  

I just don't think it's age-appropriate for elementary schoolers to be giving marital advice to adults on their wedding day.  When it is obvious that someone is just parroting something they can't really understand, as would be the case here, it feels like making a mockery of the sentiments.  That doesn't sit right with me, and I bet many/most of your guests will feel the same way.

I agree about all the other stuff, but all readings at a wedding don't necessarily give marital advice. I think OP mentioned they are having a church wedding and will be having Bible verses read. I don't think it is unreasonable that mature, good readers that are 8 or nine can read Scripture. 

MuppetOverlord

I don't understand the need to invent roles to include them all. Being a guest is a major role in itself. 

However, in my dreams, I cast children with guest spots in Electric Mayhem

PrettyGirlLost

MuppetOverlord said:

I don't understand the need to invent roles to include them all. Being a guest is a major role in itself. 

However, in my dreams, I cast children with guest spots in Electric Mayhem

Omg the obstinacy of this OP brought the Overlord out of retirement!

AddieCake

Once the Muppet Overlord speaks, that's the end of it. 

Jen4948

MuppetOverlord said:

I don't understand the need to invent roles to include them all. Being a guest is a major role in itself. 

However, in my dreams, I cast children with guest spots in Electric Mayhem

@MuppetOverlord! Where you been! Missed you big-time!

AddieCake

<<<<<Has met the Muppet Overlord in person. It was sensational.

Peledreamsofrain

Did I hear there was a Coming Out of Retirement party going on?

Peledreamsofrain

@CMGragain

Girl, you can't drop a "childhood performer" tidbit and not explain!

drunkenwitch

CMGragain

OK, now the OP has started a whole new thread, hoping to get different answers.  Sheesh!

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1460327909 said:

I've had enough.  Just because I want the ones I love to be involved in my wedding does not make me a horrible person.  You people need to learn how to state your opinions in a kinder way or move over to the snarky brides forum.

Thank you to those that don't fall into this category and stated their opinions in ways that didn't bring me to tears.

Literally no one said you were a horrible person, and if this thread brought you to tears then I suggest the internet is not for you. People here were trying to help you, that does not mean they have to agree with you.

Also, thanks for the bat signal title. Never has the effect the poster thinks.