Already married but having 'fake' wedding

[Deleted User]

I know someone who is already married but is lying to friends/family & planning a wedding...including a shower, officiant, etc.   She's also posting on social media about how many months til we say 'I do' & how long til 'we're husband & wife'.   They already are!!  I was so upset that I did not attend the shower.  I felt I couldn't sit there & play along with the lie.  What's your thoughts on this?   Is there ever a valid reason to do this?

Sherbie25

Knottie1470258756 said:

I know someone who is already married but is lying to friends/family & planning a wedding...including a shower, officiant, etc.   She's also posting on social media about how many months til we say 'I do' & how long til 'we're husband & wife'.   They already are!!  I was so upset that I did not attend the shower.  I felt I couldn't sit there & play along with the lie.  What's your thoughts on this?   Is there ever a valid reason to do this?

MyNameIsNot

Knottie1470258756 said:

I know someone who is already married but is lying to friends/family & planning a wedding...including a shower, officiant, etc.   She's also posting on social media about how many months til we say 'I do' & how long til 'we're husband & wife'.   They already are!!  I was so upset that I did not attend the shower.  I felt I couldn't sit there & play along with the lie.  What's your thoughts on this?   Is there ever a valid reason to do this?

My SIL did this. I too was very upset that she was lying to friends and family. Although it's no shock. My SIL is generally devoid of a moral compass anyway. 

I was very honest with her that I was not willing to lie on her behalf, and I didn't. I didn't go around telling everyone everything, but I also didn't pretend that she wasn't already married. If I were you, I would be honest with mutual friends that you aren't comfortable attending a shower for a couple that is already married. Lying for her doesn't make you a good friend. 

[Deleted User]

Ya, that's not cool at all. 
But how do you lie to the officiant? I mean, they're kinda gonna figure out that the bride and groom are already married when they need to fill out/submit the marriage license....

jacques27

Personally, I don't think there is ever reason.  Be truthful and call it a celebration if you really feel like you missed out on all the bells and whistles and simply can't move on unless you have it.  Who doesn't love a party?  But don't lie and don't disrespect the institution of marriage by pretending what you currently have is something less than because it's not.  I honestly can't bring myself to respect someone and their marriage when they don't even respect it.

Admittedly, I have an extremely low tolerance for lying.  I can't even buy into the "well, this lie doesn't personally affect you so why should you care?" argument because I care whether or not I can trust people.  If you lie about this, what else do you lie about?  If I can't trust you, then I can't respect you and I choose to not associate with people I don't trust and respect.  It's as simple as that. 

MobKaz

Knottie1470258756 said:

I know someone who is already married but is lying to friends/family & planning a wedding...including a shower, officiant, etc.   She's also posting on social media about how many months til we say 'I do' & how long til 'we're husband & wife'.   They already are!!  I was so upset that I did not attend the shower.  I felt I couldn't sit there & play along with the lie.  What's your thoughts on this?   Is there ever a valid reason to do this?

Is there ever a valid reason to lie to your nearest and dearest friends and family?  Nope.

SP29

Nope.

I agree with Jacques. I'm all for a party. And if you're hosting me well with food and drink, I'll attend a party for pretty much any reason. But why lie about it? What does that serve? Nothing.

Knottie1448131004

I know someone who is doing this too. Her parents didn't approve of the match so she got married in secret a few years ago. Says that when she "officially" gets married it will be good because her family will throw her a large wedding and give them lots of money. 

I personally think her actions are dishonest. She didn't tell her family so they wouldn't fall out with her and so she could eventually get a big wedding when they finally approved of her "long-time boyfriend". It's about taking responsibility for your choices in life.   

monkeysip

Knottie1448131004 said:

I know someone who is doing this too. Her parents didn't approve of the match so she got married in secret a few years ago. Says that when she "officially" gets married it will be good because her family will throw her a large wedding and give them lots of money. 

I personally think her actions are dishonest. She didn't tell her family so they wouldn't fall out with her and so she could eventually get a big wedding when they finally approved of her "long-time boyfriend". It's about taking responsibility for your choices in life.   

Yeah, this is an example of how hypocritical I think a lot of these situations are.  Like, you won't admit to your parents that you're married, but you will take money from them?

Or when people who get married for some kind of financial benefit/insurance reason, and then say it wasn't their real wedding and they're not "really" married yet.  So, you're "really married" enough to claim insurance/spousal benefits, but you're not "really married" and want a "real wedding" later?  

[Deleted User]

And the worst part is that her father found out but not from her.   He's so upset with her.   He keeps waiting for her to tell him the truth but it never happens.  She has ruined her relationship with him. 

geebee908

Knottie1470258756 said:

And the worst part is that her father found out but not from her.   He's so upset with her.   He keeps waiting for her to tell him the truth but it never happens.  She has ruined her relationship with him.

SITB

As hard as people try, it will get out. Especially if it's a long term between the wedding and the "wedding." If she was hoping to avoid consequences, she failed miserably.

Knottie1448131004

Knottie1470258756 said:

And the worst part is that her father found out but not from her.   He's so upset with her.   He keeps waiting for her to tell him the truth but it never happens.  She has ruined her relationship with him. 

That's on her to resolve. Hopefully she doesn't employ this sort of manipulation in all areas of her life such as with friends... 

mollybarker11

Knottie1470258756 said:

And the worst part is that her father found out but not from her.   He's so upset with her.   He keeps waiting for her to tell him the truth but it never happens.  She has ruined her relationship with him. 

I can't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to find out one of the people you love most in the world has been lying to you and then to watch them continually do it every time you speak. So sad.

There is no valid reason for this. I am curious to know her reasoning for doing this?

[Deleted User]

Yes, it is getting out.  She and her husband bought a house and the transfer was in the newspaper...in her married name.   Now, not a lot of people read newspapers these days but I do know someone who saw it.

flantastic

Knottie1470258756 said:

Yes, it is getting out.  She and her husband bought a house and the transfer was in the newspaper...in her married name.   Now, not a lot of people read newspapers these days but I do know someone who saw it.

Oh goodness. Maybe if you're trying to lie about being married, waiting to legally change your name would help.

pegasuskat

My brother and his wife did this.  They said it was because they were afraid my grandfather who was marrying them wasn't licensed in MI - but he had been a baptist preacher for over 50 years at the time, so it made no sense.  They did it a few days before the wedding and didn't tell anybody.  Of course it all came out in the hour after the wedding because my grandfather kept asking for the license to fill it out.  He had driven about 14 hours for the wedding ( I had too) and was really hurt and mad about it.  I can't think of any good reasons to do this to your family.

DrillSergeantCat

pegasuskat said:

My brother and his wife did this.  They said it was because they were afraid my grandfather who was marrying them wasn't licensed in MI - but he had been a baptist preacher for over 50 years at the time, so it made no sense.  They did it a few days before the wedding and didn't tell anybody.  Of course it all came out in the hour after the wedding because my grandfather kept asking for the license to fill it out.  He had driven about 14 hours for the wedding ( I had too) and was really hurt and mad about it.  I can't think of any good reasons to do this to your family.

What was their reasoning for doing it a few days ahead of time? I think I'd feel some kinda way about that, but less so knowing it was a year or more. 

short+sassy

Hard to keep a secret when multiple people know about it.

I had a coworker who was a BM in her friend's wedding.  The friend and her H were very religious and wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.  They had about a one year engagement and planned a big wedding.  Except about half way through, the "no sex" was weighing heavily.  So they secretly got married, but didn't tell their families.  Except the bride told all her BMs and asked them to "not say anything".  Yet, here I am, a random coworker of a BM, who knows their "secret".  So I can't imagine that little tidbit of info didn't make the rounds.

WinstonsGirl

short+sassy said:

Hard to keep a secret when multiple people know about it.

I had a coworker who was a BM in her friend's wedding.  The friend and her H were very religious and wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.  They had about a one year engagement and planned a big wedding.  Except about half way through, the "no sex" was weighing heavily.  So they secretly got married, but didn't tell their families.  Except the bride told all her BMs and asked them to "not say anything".  Yet, here I am, a random coworker of a BM, who knows their "secret".  So I can't imagine that little tidbit of info didn't make the rounds.

It'll come out when they accidentally get pregnant before the wedding!!

mollybarker11

short+sassy said:

Hard to keep a secret when multiple people know about it.

I had a coworker who was a BM in her friend's wedding.  The friend and her H were very religious and wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.  They had about a one year engagement and planned a big wedding.  Except about half way through, the "no sex" was weighing heavily.  So they secretly got married, but didn't tell their families.  Except the bride told all her BMs and asked them to "not say anything".  Yet, here I am, a random coworker of a BM, who knows their "secret".  So I can't imagine that little tidbit of info didn't make the rounds.

I'm so sure that a God who disapproves of pre-marital sex is totally okay with secret sham marriages and lying to your loved ones....

MairePoppy

Knottie1470258756 said:

Yes, it is getting out.  She and her husband bought a house and the transfer was in the newspaper...in her married name.   Now, not a lot of people read newspapers these days but I do know someone who saw it.

My mom and aunts read the property transfers/legals. They'd be on the phone spreading the news before you could say, 'liar, liar, pants on fire.'

monkeysip

mollybarker11 said:

short+sassy said:

Hard to keep a secret when multiple people know about it.

I had a coworker who was a BM in her friend's wedding.  The friend and her H were very religious and wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.  They had about a one year engagement and planned a big wedding.  Except about half way through, the "no sex" was weighing heavily.  So they secretly got married, but didn't tell their families.  Except the bride told all her BMs and asked them to "not say anything".  Yet, here I am, a random coworker of a BM, who knows their "secret".  So I can't imagine that little tidbit of info didn't make the rounds.

I'm so sure that a God who disapproves of pre-marital sex is totally okay with secret sham marriages and lying to your loved ones....

THIS.  

InLoveInQueens

mollybarker11 said:

short+sassy said:

Hard to keep a secret when multiple people know about it.

I had a coworker who was a BM in her friend's wedding.  The friend and her H were very religious and wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.  They had about a one year engagement and planned a big wedding.  Except about half way through, the "no sex" was weighing heavily.  So they secretly got married, but didn't tell their families.  Except the bride told all her BMs and asked them to "not say anything".  Yet, here I am, a random coworker of a BM, who knows their "secret".  So I can't imagine that little tidbit of info didn't make the rounds.

I'm so sure that a God who disapproves of pre-marital sex is totally okay with secret sham marriages and lying to your loved ones....

That is what irks me to no end. Cool, whatever, be celibate until marriage if that's what you think G-d cares about, but getting married in secret so you can pork and pretending you're not married, how is the lying any better? Why is it just a piece of paper and the most important piece of paper at the same time in these situations?

monkeysip

InLoveInQueens said:

mollybarker11 said:

short+sassy said:

Hard to keep a secret when multiple people know about it.

I had a coworker who was a BM in her friend's wedding.  The friend and her H were very religious and wanted to wait until they were married to have sex.  They had about a one year engagement and planned a big wedding.  Except about half way through, the "no sex" was weighing heavily.  So they secretly got married, but didn't tell their families.  Except the bride told all her BMs and asked them to "not say anything".  Yet, here I am, a random coworker of a BM, who knows their "secret".  So I can't imagine that little tidbit of info didn't make the rounds.

I'm so sure that a God who disapproves of pre-marital sex is totally okay with secret sham marriages and lying to your loved ones....

That is what irks me to no end. Cool, whatever, be celibate until marriage if that's what you think G-d cares about, but getting married in secret so you can pork and pretending you're not married, how is the lying any better? Why is it just a piece of paper and the most important piece of paper at the same time in these situations?

YES!  I'm sure this same couple says that wasn't their "real" wedding.  But real enough in God's eyes to permit you to have sex?  How does that make sense?