RSVP question

InLoveInQueens

The deadline to RSVP to my cousins wedding is next week (for a late September "black tie optional" wedding weekend extravaganza, ugh) and I've been holding off on sending it back because I am spending way too much time thinking about how to fill it out. The invitation came addressed to "Mr and Mrs husband's name" and I really exceptionally hate being called Mrs husband's name. So I want to cross off the M in the rsvp line and just write both our names, but I'm also afraid that makes me look ignorant or petty. Thoughts? Best way to make it clear that I still do have my own first name? Should I just suck it up and be Mrs husband?

I know this is the best place to get honest feedback and be told if my idea is exponentially stupid/rude or if I've got some leeway in filling it out. 

Thanks! 

Viczaesar

InLoveInQueens said:

The deadline to RSVP to my cousins wedding is next week (for a late September "black tie optional" wedding weekend extravaganza, ugh) and I've been holding off on sending it back because I am spending way too much time thinking about how to fill it out. The invitation came addressed to "Mr and Mrs husband's name" and I really exceptionally hate being called Mrs husband's name. So I want to cross off the M in the rsvp line and just write both our names, but I'm also afraid that makes me look ignorant or petty. Thoughts? Best way to make it clear that I still do have my own first name? Should I just suck it up and be Mrs husband?

I know this is the best place to get honest feedback and be told if my idea is exponentially stupid/rude or if I've got some leeway in filling it out. 

Thanks! 

Why cross off the M?  Just fill it out as Ms. Your Name and Mr. His Name on the line.

InLoveInQueens

That wouldn't be odd even with the same last name? Because if not then I think you've got the perfect solution  

charlotte989875

It might be odd, but it it bothers you that much, who cares?

Honestly though, I think this is one of those formal etiquette things that don't really mean what you're reading into it. It's not like it was a personal letter for you that was addressed "Mrs. His first name", it's just how you properly address formal correspondence. 

STARMOON44

Agreed. Just write your names in the way you want them, with the titles you use. No need to cross off the m. 

downtondiva

STARMOON44 said:

Agreed. Just write your names in the way you want them, with the titles you use. No need to cross off the m. 

Exactly. Husband and I got an invitation recently where my name was wrong (i.e. it addressed me with his last name even though I kept my own when we got married). He just wrote the correct name when filling in the response card.

InLoveInQueens

Awesome, thanks. I understand why it's done but for some reason it just makes me a little frustrated that as soon as I got married my husband's name is all over everything and the only reference to me is "Mrs", at least formally. 

SP29

No reason why you cannot write your names in the way you prefer to be called.

I don't think your cousin meant it as a slight when she or her FI addressed the invitation that way. But I also do not think it is rude or petty of you to return the RSVP with how you prefer to be addressed either.

MyNameIsNot

charlotte989875 said:

It might be odd, but it it bothers you that much, who cares?

Honestly though, I think this is one of those formal etiquette things that don't really mean what you're reading into it. It's not like it was a personal letter for you that was addressed "Mrs. His first name", it's just how you properly address formal correspondence. 

It's not proper to address formal correspondence to someone using the wrong name. 

OP, some people are lazy or ignorant and just assume every woman changes her name. I wouldn't assume it's meant to be a slight unless you've corrected them in the past. Put your correct names on the line. If they address you incorrectly on the escort cards, you should probably mention your correct name to them. 

charlotte989875

MyNameIsNot said:

charlotte989875 said:

It might be odd, but it it bothers you that much, who cares?

Honestly though, I think this is one of those formal etiquette things that don't really mean what you're reading into it. It's not like it was a personal letter for you that was addressed "Mrs. His first name", it's just how you properly address formal correspondence. 

It's not proper to address formal correspondence to someone using the wrong name. 

OP, some people are lazy or ignorant and just assume every woman changes her name. I wouldn't assume it's meant to be a slight unless you've corrected them in the past. Put your correct names on the line. If they address you incorrectly on the escort cards, you should probably mention your correct name to them. 

OP said they have the same last name so either he took her name or she took his name. 

ei34

I don't think your cousin meant to be rude.  Now, it'll be super rude/obnoxious if your place card at her wedding is for Mrs. Husband's Lastname!  It's in no way petty of you to correct her.

MyNameIsNot

charlotte989875 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

charlotte989875 said:

It might be odd, but it it bothers you that much, who cares?

Honestly though, I think this is one of those formal etiquette things that don't really mean what you're reading into it. It's not like it was a personal letter for you that was addressed "Mrs. His first name", it's just how you properly address formal correspondence. 

It's not proper to address formal correspondence to someone using the wrong name. 

OP, some people are lazy or ignorant and just assume every woman changes her name. I wouldn't assume it's meant to be a slight unless you've corrected them in the past. Put your correct names on the line. If they address you incorrectly on the escort cards, you should probably mention your correct name to them. 

OP said they have the same last name so either he took her name or she took his name. 

I don't think she explicitly said that, but you're right, she didn't say that she kept her name. I read that she didn't want to be called Mrs. Hisname because that isn't her name. If they have the same name, then she is correctly addressed as Mrs. Ourname. 

Its still fine to return the RSVP card however you want to be addressed, but expecting people to remember your preferences is a little different than expecting them to call you by your correct name.  

InLoveInQueens

Yeah, no, I know she wasn't doing it to be rude, just formal, so I'm not mad at her. I just didn't want to make my response seem like I was being a brat by separating our first names so I can put my own in the response card. I was considering Mr and Mrs both first names last name but then I read that you shouldn't separate the man's first and last name since I'm the one who took it and then my eyes rolled so far back in my head that I went cross-eyed trying to figure out how to fill out the card

ernursej

This is why I didn't address any of my invites in that formal way. I know that none of my guests liked that. I took the time to figure out so that no one would be irritated.

I'd be irritated too. I'm will not be Mrs. HisFirstName OurLastName. I will be Mrs. MyFirstName OurLastName.

LtPowers

scribe95 said:

I think it's no big deal given formal invitation rules. Having said that recently I got a birthday card TO ME that was Mrs. Husband's Name and I was pissed. Seriously?

Falling out of favor but still traditionally correct, unless your preference otherwise is known.


Powers  &8^]

[Deleted User]

Doesn't seem rude to write in the name you'd prefer to be called. And I agree, I'm really not a fan of the fact that apparently once I get married I suddenly no longer have a first name. 

bubblylove

I understand a joint invite being sent to Mr. and Mrs. Husband's name. But this was a birthday card sent only to me that sent Mrs. Husband's name. That is just stupid. 

Jen4948

bubblylove said:

I understand a joint invite being sent to Mr. and Mrs. Husband's name. But this was a birthday card sent only to me that sent Mrs. Husband's name. That is just stupid. 

I'd write "return to sender" on it and put it back in the mail.

photokitty

In her defense, Cranes, the stationary authority, says the addressing formal correspondence to Mrs. HerFirst OutLast, indicates that the woman is divorced or widowed. Following title standards you'd have to be Ms. HerFirst OutLast if you want to use your name, but cranes doesn't acknowledge that as a formal title option since you are currently married and took your husband name. Basically, you take his name, you take the whole name, first and last, as your title according to traditional title standards.

Of course I think this is all bullshit, as I kept my maiden name and am quick to correct people. But if she uses proper titles based on formal correspondence standards, I don't think you need to get bent out of shape.

Link for reference:
https://blog.crane.com/2012/02/03/wedding-etiquette-how-to-address-your-envelopes/

redwoodoriginal

scribe95 said:

I think it's no big deal given formal invitation rules. Having said that recently I got a birthday card TO ME that was Mrs. Husband's Name and I was pissed. Seriously?

My Grandma-IL did that to me for my birthday and I thought it was adorable. No one really does it these days and it's very old school, but I thought it was sweet. Didn't bother me at all and it took months for me to decide I was going to change my name. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I believe that if "Mrs." is used then HisName HisLastName is correct because it is a title (not your name). YourFirstName HisLastName is your name without the honorific. Yes it is an old traditional wording.

lyndausvi

redwoodoriginal said:

scribe95 said:

I think it's no big deal given formal invitation rules. Having said that recently I got a birthday card TO ME that was Mrs. Husband's Name and I was pissed. Seriously?

My Grandma-IL did that to me for my birthday and I thought it was adorable. No one really does it these days and it's very old school, but I thought it was sweet. Didn't bother me at all and it took months for me to decide I was going to change my name. 

I sent an invite to an 80+ year old widow.   I addressed it as Mrs herfirstname lastname.

She RSVP'd as Mrs Herdeadhusband'sfirstname Lastname.  From then on that is how I address things to her.    

There is nothing wrong or rude with RSVPing how you like to be addressed.

I'm in the camp of the only time I would give a shit is if I got something addressed ONLY to me as Mrs DH'sfirst name lastname.    It's might be proper, but it's weird.       

Things addressed to both of us I don't mind the Mr and Mrs DHfirst lastname.     Honestly, the only time I even see things addressed like that is on formal invitations.  Which in my case comes around 1-2 times a year.  Hardly something I get upset at.  (for the record, my last name is maiden name DH's lastname, so it's technically  not the same).

I do eye-roll my parents though.  They address my birthday card as lyndausvi [initial of maiden name] DH's lastname.   They just don't seem to understand I never got rid of my maiden name.  Just added DH's lastname to the end.    ::shrugs::

LondonLisa

I also feel that everyone should get 1 pass when it comes to being addressed. If I call you Susan Marriedname but you respond back with Susan Maidename, I'm going to apologise and make a mental note. If it's continuous and habitual, then you can politely say "sorry, there seems to be a misunderstanding, my name is Susan Jones, not Smith". It might just be an honest mistake. Also, is the M line filled out? Because you very easily could write Mr Adam Smith and Ms Susan Jones and be done with it.

LtPowers

photokitty said:

In her defense, Cranes, the stationary authority, says the addressing formal correspondence to Mrs. HerFirst OutLast, indicates that the woman is divorced or widowed.

I'm surprised Crane treats divorcees and widows the same. Miss Manners indicates that widows usually keep the "Mrs. HisFirst HisLast" form.

huskypuppy14

Just write Sherry and Matt Jones and ignore the title. I kept my last name and I get Mr. and Mrs. Husband name all the time. 

This might make me a bitch, but you chose to take your husband's last name and that is the formal way to address a married couple with the same last name. Honestly maybe we should just get rid of titles and just use first and last names, that would make everything easier.